Life of a girl

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Story about a Asian girl and her arrange marriage.

Submitted: August 17, 2016

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Submitted: August 17, 2016

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Life of a Girl

 

 

 

You never know how STRONG you are,

 Until being STRONG is the only choice you have…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Introduction

 

Not sure where to start from. Life has been so busy, I started to count the years like a week. It was not supposed to be like this. My dream of a life was much different when I was a young girl. I don’t know how to relax anymore without thinking of where are the kids, did they eat yet, do I have to go for grocery, is money in the bank to pay for bills, is house clean, do I have to do the laundry today, did my son finished his homework, so much things come to mind when I seat for a minute. So relaxing, not sure how that feels. I have not introduced myself yet and started talking like a rush hour train. Let’s meet.

 

I am a fulltime working mom, wife, daughter, daughter in law and sister. I have 2 beautiful young kids and 1 adult kid. If you are wondering what I mean by ‘Adult Kid’, I am referring to my husband. I often tell him that his parents thought they could not handle him anymore and kind of handover the responsibilities to me and I had to adopt him. But sometimes, I think………… what I think I will tell you later. Today my life is more of a typical family life who is struggling to make a better living, then again the journey was not that simple for me to come to this point of my life.

 

Life has been very interesting for me so far. There are always up and down in life. We all go through different phases of life, come over many obstacles, life through us to a situation that we never ever thought about it, not even in our worst nightmare. However, one of my strong believe is that we don’t know how strong we are until we phase our outmost terror in our life. That’s the only time we realize about our strength and fight with it like there is no tomorrow. End of the world is here and to be able to see the sunlight tomorrow, we have to live and to do that we have to win over the situation that we are in today. I will not say that I have faced worst of worst in my life, because I know a lot of people out there struggling to live and will be lucky to have my life. So thank you God for your blessing and please continue to shower your blessing to all human being. I am not much into religion, don’t practice every day, however I strongly believe in Karma – whatever goes around comes around.

 

All right then, let’s take a walk……..

 

 

 

I respect our south Asian culture. We are great when it comes to family bonding, relatives, respecting elders, helping neighbors, celebrating national and religious festivals together. We are pretty close to everyone in our community. Don’t get any idea like, we don’t fight within us, we are not saint you know. Trust me when I say we can get nasty, I mean really nasty. We are all crazy, hyper folks and if we are in the mood to get you, we will do whatever the crazy way it’s possible. We are very sentimental people as well. When we love someone we will go above and beyond to show the love and cares. We also expect a lot from others and that means if you don’t show us as much as we did, we will not only stop talking to you, we will stop inviting you to all the occasions and we will convince our great family and relatives to stop inviting you to any  and all occasions. We will talk about you, your parents, your family and anything else that relates to you in our every meeting with anyone within the community. Pretty much the whole community will know what you have done or not done. How you should have acted and what you should do and not do now to make the situation better or worse. I believe you got an idea so far.

 

With all the respect to our culture, we are very conservative and close minded people living in America. Even though we are living in one of the greatest, coolest and very advanced country in the world; our community and our families are still very traditional about certain things. They have somewhat control over their children’s life. What I mean by that is you will feel like you have all the freedom. But there is an invisible leash that you don’t know about. You will only realize when the time comes. One of the greatest example is whom you will marry to. Yup. You can go hangout with whomever you want. You can go date and have secret girlfriend or boyfriend. Act like your parents know nothing about it. Guess what? Our Asian parents may not look like other parents (cool, smart, handsome, etc.). They may look like so innocent, not smart/cool like other parents, they may not be as advanced and up-to-date with today’s Hi-Tech lifestyle. But they are the most lovely and cruel and most importantly stubborn parents ever I know. They will manipulate you in some cruel way that you will not even realize they have a talent like that. The reason behind this is that they believe and I mean they 1000% believe that there decision/choice is best for your life. They do not want to hear or understand any kind of logical explanation you may come up with. If you ask me, I sometime understand why they are in that way. They have lived, believed and seen arrange marriage to last years after years. They have seen their parents, grandparents, great grandparents and I can go on and on. Everybody lived happily ever after by the choice made by their parents. However, the world has been changed a lot. The lifestyle has been changed a lot compare to our parent’s time.

 

Nowadays people weight every relationship based on the material value. People respect money over humanity. Girls love guys with money and good look without even considering if the guy has any respect for the girl. Girls are trying to catch a guy who can give her high-end lifestyle. Guys looking for girls with good look and bank balance as well. They are trying to hook up with a girl who can pay his bill. She may have a job that pays great or from a rich family. It’s all about catching a big fish. Once upon a time, someone special told me that ‘life is all about a game’. How great you are doing in your life depends on how good player you are. Honestly, I don’t believe that. It may be true to many of you. I am pretty sure some of you really appreciate the value of real life, real peoples feeling, real moments and real emotions.

 

I think, I am off the track. Let’s get back on.

 

So, as I mentioned earlier, when it comes to a marriage, parents holds the key literally. Just like every other girl, I fell for a guy. He was charming, soft spoken, gentle, and most importantly respectful to others. He was a friend of a friend that I was hanging out with. After a few hi and hello, one day Russel asked me out. Since I already kind of had a crush on his charm, I accepted his invite. It was a great day. Russel made me laugh like a little girl. He respected me as a women and we had a great time. Of course, we continue to meet and I started to make excuses at home to go out to meet him. We fought and made up again like every other couple. I knew my parents will never ever going to accept this. At some point of our relationship, we talked about our future. His parent and my parents will not going to accept our relationship ever because of religion differences. We both knew that but we both loved each other. We were both in college still. So we decided to pursue our career and kept our relationship going.

 

At one point my parents found out about our relationship. And as it happens at our South Asian family, my parents made me go back to my country to marry someone. I can’t describe the drama that happened during this phase. It’s typical Asian family drama with parents. So, I informed him and promised him that I will not get marry back there. I will go, kill some time and come back. I was not ready to get marry at that time, not mentally. Not at all. I kept contact with Russel from there as well. Obviously my lovely relatives kept showing me guys after guys and I was rejecting each and every one. My smart and intelligent parents realized my plan and they arrived there without any announcement. Within a week they finalized my wedding plan with a guy that I meet for 15 minutes. As per them, I will have to respect not only their decision, their mental health and social status also on steak because of me. It will affect my parents, relatives and town and many more. I call Russel and let him know that I am getting marry. Trust me it was breaking me a part to tell him but I had to do what I had to do. I still love him and he will stay as my true love forever.

 

Then, I go and get marry to a guy that my parents thought the best and perfect guy for me whom I met for 15 minutes and spoke probably only few sentences. They were so happy and proud. They thought finally their lovely daughter is on hand of a handsome intelligent guy who will make her happy and provide a secure life.

 

Either I was dumb one (I am pretty sure that I was so naïve) and/or my husband was a smartest man I have ever met in my life. No worries, I will explain in detail for you. After my wedding ceremony is over, I stayed about a month with my in-law family. I came back to US and submitted paper work for my husband to be immigrated here. I went back to my school and work. About two months later I got back here, I realized I am pregnant with 1st child. No judgement thought please. Obviously, I had no plan to have child so early in my newlywed life. I am against abortion and I believe every life matters. Therefore I did not even consider a thought about any other option other than planning a beautiful life for my unborn baby.

 

New to long distance married life and being pregnant, I focused on how to keep balancing on school, work, pregnancy and long distance relationship my husband. For some reason, his case at immigration was not moving as fast as it should be. So we started to enjoy our married life on daily conversation over the phone. There was a huge problem. As per my husband’s statement, he lost his phone on his way back from airport after my flight took off. I have to mention here that he works in one city and his parent lives in another city. After my wedding, I was living at his parent’s house. Ok, so back to phone issue. As soon as I heard the news, I was like ‘awww poor guy, he was so emotional that he did not notice his phone was lost’. I felt guilty, thought since I am already married to this man, it’s not fair for me to not give 100% to this relationship. I don’t want him to suffer. And obvious question, why don’t you buy a new phone. He mentioned that one of his friend was recently robbed for a phone and got hurt so badly that he needed few stiches. So he won’t get new phone. In a 3rd world country, this type of situation very common. He suggested that I can easily contact him daily at his work and on weekend he will call me from there. Even though I was not happy with the proposal, I kind of accepted and thought since he does not feel safe, let it be.

 

My due date arrive and my husband has no personal phone. If he is not at work, how should I contact him? I was so upset about it. He gives me one of his friend’s phone number and tell me to call him to convey the news. My beautiful baby boy was born and that was a beautiful day. I remember every detail of that day. So I go ahead and call his friend and request him to convey the message. He calls me later and we talked. At one point we fought over something and I cried whole night. I was feeling so lonely. Being a new mom and being without my husband beside me, I was overwhelmed. Anyway, time goes by, I quit my job and put a hold on school. I focus on taking care of my baby. Day in and night out. So many sleepless night that I cannot count. My parents were trying their best to help me but they also have their life. They can’t pause their life for me.

 

Finally my husband get visa to come over and live with us. He arrives to US right before my son’s 1st birthday. We celebrate my baby’s birthday and I am glad my husband with us at this day. I already started working and my baby was going to daycare before my husband came to live with us. So first few days was really tough for him to adjust, which I understand. He was much different than 2 years back when I first met him. Since he started to really complaining within 1 month, we found him a temporary work to kill few hours a day. So that he can get out of home and meet new people. He won’t be as bored as he was. The pay was not great which was ok. I was making enough to pass by.

 

Around 2 months later since he arrived, I receive a strange phone call. I missed the call and the individual left voice mail. The message was, ‘my name is John Doe, and I hope you will return my call, it’s for your own good’. I was kind of debating, who is this and what kind of good he was referring to. Back of my mind, I was worried that someone probably trying to play a game with me. I discuss this with my hubby and mom. My hubby started to act funny and tell me to ignore the call. On the other hand, my mom tells me to return the call and simply hear out what that individual has to say. I go with my mom’s advice and return the call next day. The information I got that day …… it was something so unexpected. I was totally shocked. Of course, I tell the person to provide me with appropriate prove and documentation to support his information. He provides me with the documentation and tells me to keep in touch.

 

After I saw the documents, I go ahead and call my family and tell them to meet me somewhere outside of home. I told them to make sure that my husband should not suspect anything. Be as normal as possible. I share the news with them and show them the documentation. Then drama starts – they were surprised, shocked, my mom was crying, uncles give different scenarios such as someone trying to blackmail, etc. A lot of noise pretty much was happing around me at that time. However, I was so furious, so furious that I had nothing to say. I had no tears, not a single drop. I was simply sitting down with my child and watching him play. I was wondering how this news will affect both of us and what our future holds. I found out today that my dear husband was married the whole time I was married to him and pregnant with his child. 

 

The story goes like this…. My husband was in love with Prema. They were working at the same office. After sometime, they go ahead and got married without informing his parents. They started to live together happily. At this point I think I should give him a name. Let’s call him Samir. Samir went to his parent’s house and informed them that he married a girl that he loves and she practices different religion. As I told you before, our parents wants to control that part of our life and they can be really stubborn. Samir’s parents did not accept the relationship and started to look for a girl within the community. This is where I come in. Samir and Prema got married about six months before Samir and I got married. The interesting part is that he was not divorced when he was marrying me. Samir told his wife Prema that his dad having a heart surgery and he had to stay with them for a while. As a good wife, she believed him and he was his way to marry me. What an excuse, what a wonderful plan! Don’t you think?

 

While I was at Samir’s parent house for 1 month, I did wanted to go to see his place at the city. But his parent denied. There excuse was that you are here for only few days. Stay with us. From respect, I obeyed them and did not visit Samir’s place. He was traveling to his job and was staying both places during week. I did not suspect anything wrong with that went with my daily life. So after I left the country, he went back to his married life with Prema. And was keeping married life with me over long distance phone conversation. No one suspected a bit. Not me, not Prema.

 

After Samir received visa to come to US, he started to clean up his stuff from their home. When Prema asked, he told him that he is simply cleaning up. Getting rid of old things that no longer being used. She believed him and I would too. The night before he will fly to meet us here, he made Prema feel so special. He loved and cared her like nothing else matter in this world. They talked about future, they talked about how much they love each other. It was very romantic and sensual night for them. They made love for so long and drifted to sweet dream like babies.

 

The next day morning, Samir left his house just like every other day. He had a breakfast with her and left for his office. Guess what? He was not going to office. His parent was waiting for him in a hotel with his luggage. On his way to airport, he stopped by post office and mailed the divorce letter addressing to Prema. He is closing his life there finally after being married to both us for two years at the same time. Prema had no idea what was coming to her. She spent her day as every other day. She is waiting for him to come home after work. Evening pass by and night falls. There are no sign of Samir. She calls his cell and every time it goes to voice mail. She calls some of their friends. No one knows where he is. She thought of two things, either something happened to his parents and he had to go to home or he had an accident. The next day she stops by his office and ask about him. They inform him that he quit his job and went to US to his wife.

 

Prema was not ready for this news! She tells them that there must be some confusion. Because she is Samir’s wife and they have been living together for last two years. Samir’s office could not help Prema. She decided to go to his parents. Samir’s parent verbally insult her and refuses to believe anything she has to say. They make it clear to her that they don’t want to do anything with her. Prema don’t know what to do anymore. Her husband, love of her life cheated her. Samir’s parents are denying her. Prema talks to Samir’s parent’s neighbor. She finds out that Samir married a girl name Audrey who lives in US with her family. Prema collect some contact information and reach out to Andry’s relatives. As usual they do not believe her and don’t even bother to inform Audrey or her parents. But Prema is determine to get in touch with Audrey. She has to find out what actually happened. She wants to hear from Samir, what went wrong. Why he cheated her? What was her fault? What she will do now? Thousand questions running through her mind. She feels like the whole world broke an apart around her. She thinks about the days and nights they were together. She thinks about the night before he left. She simply can’t believe that Samir could do such a thing. No! No! Prema wants an answer. And she will reach out to Samir.

 

Prema contacted one of her cousin who lives in US. She explained the whole situation to her and requested her to help her. Prema’s cousin made the call to me and told me everything. She also provided me with all the proof that Prema shared. I asked her for Prema’s phone number. The next day Prema calls me. She pour her heart to me. I listen carefully and ask her if Prema wants to talk to Samir. Prema said yes. I take the phone to Samir. Samir knew he will get this call. He stays calm and speak to her. He apologized and request her to forgive him. I leaves the room. I am not that brave to stay there and listen to them. After the call, I confront Samir. I want to know what happened. Why he lied to me, why he cheated and why? He obviously denied the relationship. He said that she loves him and its one sided relationship. He was never married to her. When I show him the documents he call them fake. I told him to leave my house at that moment. He cried and asked for forgiveness. I was unable to bear his existence at that house. So I told him to leave right away with his stuff and we will decide later what will happen to our relationship.

 

Even though at the beginning, my parents were really hurt and upset with the whole situation, they kind of calm down not. They try to convince me that Samir made a mistake and he realized that. He is divorced now and I should forgive him. I was so shocked to hear that from my parents. I make a call to Samir’s parents. I want to know what happened. Did they know this? Did they allow him to continue the relationship while I was married and bearing his child? How could they?

 

His parents denies of knowing anything about Prema at first. Then when I started to get really crazy, they admit that they knew about the relation and at my favor, he was divorced before our wedding. I asked him about what his son admitted to us. Samir admitted that he mailed the divorce letter on his way to airport. At this point, they admit that they were lying to me as well. Yes, he was married to Prema when he was marrying me. I did not know what to tell them. They let this happen to me only for their sake, only to send their son to US. They never thought about my life, they never thought about what I will feel, how it will affect me. Even being a parents, they did not think about me or Prema. Nothing matter to them other than getting a lottery ticket to come to US. It’s unbelievable!

 

I could not bear in my heart any more. I could not think straight. Only thing I knew that I will have to help Prema, somehow. I try to find out about her situation. Even though I have been living in US for quite a long time, I do remember how our so call society treat women at Prema’s situation. She married a man from different religion and now she is divorced. When I say divorced, I mean Samir signed the documents and mailed to her. Since Prema did not sign the documents yet, he is still legally married to her. Samir’s parents do not want to provide any kind of support to Prema. Not mentally or financially. I decided to help Prema and give her choice to make. I call her and ask her what she wants. If she wants to be married to Samir, I will make sure to make the path for that. If she no longer wants to be with him, I will make sure she receives some kind of financial help for her future.

 

Prema tells me that she no longer wants to live with a man like him. I promise her that in that case, I will make sure she receives some kind of financial help before she signs the documents. I let my family and his family know that, Samir must pay certain amount of money to Prema. Prema will not sign the documents without it. As usual, everyone was shocked to find out that I am in contact with Prema and helping her during this process. Trust me, it’s not only for her, it’s a peace of mind for me. She was going through this phase of her life because of me. Even though, Samir and his family are to blame mostly, I do a part on this situation. If I was married to him, she might have not been in this situation. Just to make a peace with myself, I stay focus on my plan. My relatives’ overview the process to make sure that Prema was not being cheated again. After a few meeting, Prema and Samir’s family come to an agreement on the figure. After the transaction was completed, Prema signs the documents for good.

 

Prema called me after all the drama was done on that part of the world. She thank me for helping her out and wanted to keep in touch. Honestly, as I mentioned earlier, I was helping for myself like a selfish. I can’t be a friend or can’t keep any relationship with her. After a while, I found out that she was married to another guy from her religion. She has a cute baby girl and living happily ever after. Ok, I really don’t know. I assume she is living a happy life with a new man in her life.

 

Fact #1 – why Samir did not share his cell phone number with me? Samir had a cell phone all the time. It’s just, he changed his phone number. In this way, I or anyone from my family will call his parent’s phone or Samir’s work phone. Therefore Prema will not notice and will not suspect a thing. Over the weekend, he was calling me from phone call store where people can make long distance call. So pretty much Samir’s plan was great and nobody knew what was going on except his parents. Fact #2 - where he was when I was in labor? He was enjoying his vacation with his wife. I really don’t know what to write here. I can’t form any words. Fact #3 – During the transaction period when Prema was receiving lump-sum money, my relatives whom I trusted to help her, they were busy cashing out from Samir’ parents. They were taking cash every week/month from Samir’s parents by using my name. They literally told them that I am asking for cash for my relatives. Talk about opportunists. Everyone one of them took advantage out of my life changing situation and cashed out for their own benefits. I am so ashamed to call them my relatives.

 

While Prema’s part was being sorted, I went and got a restraining order against Samir. I was in no place to see or talk to him. The reason I got the court order, because Samir was busy convincing my parents. Every day, after I got home, they were keep repeating themselves. Samir made mistake and now he is divorced and I should take him back. Days pass by, week pass by, months pass by. I submitted court order for him so that he does not come near me. Surprising part is that, he never wanted to see my son. One day, my brother was talking to me about all that was happening and trying to kind of make me feel for him. I told my brother about my son. I asked him that what kind of person he is. Within last few months that we have been going through all these, he never asked to see his son. He has no feeling for my son.

 

On our next court day, my brother try to talk to him and repeats what I told him. And of course, the next thing I see is that he asking for visitation. I was ready to divorce him and told my lawyer to get the paper work ready. I let my lawyer know that I do not need any financial support and also I am not going to ask anything for my son. I will take care of both of us. Simply get me divorced and let me live my life. At the court, in front of the Judge, I explained what happened and signed the paper divorce paper. And sure enough, Samir will not sign the paper. He let the court know that he loves me (?). He will do anything to make this marriage work. Since I was not in any mood to live together, Judge gives us 1 year live separately and gives us time to see if there are any chances to turn the situation around.

 

Even though, I did not get what I wanted, I focus on my school to finish my degree and work. I have to prepare to take care myself and my son. During these time, Samir started to leave gifts and flowers at my door steps. I simply through them on trash. I do not need anything from him. He was showering Josh, my son with toys. As Josh was starting to know his dad, he started to look for him daily. Even when we are out for a walk, if he see a man looks like Samir, start to call out ‘daddy’. It makes me so guilty. I feel like, because of my anger toward Samir, I am making my son suffer. I am taking the sweet moments away from Josh. Josh should be happy and enjoy living with his both parents. Why should I make Josh suffer? Samir is the one should be punished, not Josh. But in the process, am I punishing my child. Am I punishing my little Josh?

 

My parents were so blindsided and did not even wanted to understand my feeling. They only cared about what other people will say. What the society will say about me. Even though it was not my fault. He cheated, he was married to two women at the same time. He and his family cheated. And I am one to be punished, I am the one who suffer the humiliation. I don’t want that. I don’t want to live with him. Just by thinking about him, make me vomit. So from now on, when I am around my family, I block myself from everything. I am on my wonderland, with my son. I don’t care who says what, who thinks what. All of a sudden, I feel much better. I started to hanging out with friends, going to manicure, enjoying movies. I don’t want to anything to lose. But, when your surrounding is full of dark cloud, it gets you. I became depressed. Wanted to die. My mom feels sorry for the guy who cheated and asked for forgiveness. She never thinks about what I felt. I sacrificed my love for them and this is what happen to me. Russel found out what’s going on with me. He wanted to get together but I could not. I could not hurt him anymore. I don’t want him to suffer for me. We kept contact time to time, but I can’t be with anyone right now.

 

On the next meeting, scheduled by Court, Samir wants to settle all the matters and wants to accept any condition I through at him. He promised to do and live the way I choose. He will not consider any divorce or separate living. His lawyer fights with all points at the court and I had to give him a 2nd chance. I moved to new place with him. It was not something I was prepare for. I had to do it since the order was from court. My parents were relief. I was so furious with my parents that I stop talking to them. I was only keeping live my relation with my brother. It was a horrible phase of my life. Learning to live with him under the same roof, seeing him everywhere, it was not a pretty picture. Eventually I learned how to deal with it and focus on what’s matter most, which is giving my son a better life.

 

Samir kept trying to make up for his mistake, being a better father, better husband to us. I think he wanted to be better human overall for himself. He focus on going back to school and working part time to support the family. I was working as well. We went through so up and down in our daily life. He promised that he will never lie to me ever again and nothing like that will ever happen. I wanted to believe him, trust him. But trust is something like a fragile glass sculpture, once its break, you can never put back together to the smooth finish. It can never be the same as new. There are always some missing pieces. Understanding all the above, I wanted to give him a second chance for my kid’s sake.  

 

Our life got better from that point on. But back of my mind, when I am doing some house chore or cleaning, all comes back to me. I still wonder, why? Why it happen to my life. How I did not see it, right under my nose he was cheating with me for 2 years. What was he thinking? How selfish and greedy can a person be? Did he really changed? Can I ever fully trust him? I don’t know. I don’t have any answer. Only hope, lf he wants to leave again for someone else, something better, he should simply tell me, I will let him be on his way. Trust me, it’s not a very pleasant feeling. But, this is where I am today. Let’s just hope, that day will never come.

 

 

 

 


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