Please Don't Give Up

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a little writing of inspiration to those suffering mental illness, insecurity, and anyone who wants to read something.

Submitted: August 21, 2016

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Submitted: August 21, 2016

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Do you ever wish you could start over? Maybe go back in time to undo something stupid you did? Well I have, I have a lot of this I wish I could do over or even erase forever, but that’s not possible. WE HAVE TO LIVE WITH OUR MISTAKES. It sucks but that’s life. You will lose friends, close friends that you thought would be with you forever, but not everything lasts forever. Everything comes to an end: life, love, friendship, even family.

My first experience was being given up for adoption. I was found on a doorstep on June 2, 1999, this was four days after I was born. Maybe she didn’t want me, maybe she couldn’t take care of me. I didn’t now and I will never know, but all I did know was that I was left alone with no one. I spent nine months in an overcrowded orphanage where there were more babies than nannies. Affection, care, and love werescares. Maybe that’s why I am so apathetic and a loner. Could my first nine months of life be why I am why I am?

Yet that sounds horrible…it is, but I got lucky on February 29, 2000. I was adopted…wanted, loved, and cared for. I got a family of my own and unlike many girls in my orphanage, I was taken to a better place. I was taken to Michigan, where my family lived and they all gave me affection; something I lacked for nine months. I grew up to be an over caring person. I never want my family or friends feel how I did even if I was nine months.

My happiness did not last forever. Growing up in the world is hard, it’s full of evil people: liars, manipulators, and thieves. Everyone you meet fits into a category maybe more than one. I know I fit in them and so do my friends. People will earn your trust and let you become attached to them just to stab you in the back when they get bored or find someone more interesting.  Everyone has a monster inside them, everyone has a demon in their head, everyone goes through hell, yet everyone takes it out on each other. The voices in my head started ruling my life…maybe they still do, I don’t know anymore.

You can’t know everything no matter how hard you try. You are not Sherlock Holmes, I don’t care how smart you are or if you can tell me the square root of pi of the top of your head.  The voices in everyone’s head are like annoying bugs and they will eat away at every happy memory you have, every flower of happiness, and will eat away at you until you are just a shell of who you used to be. Try all you want, take all the medications, go to counseling, maybe even join a support group. You think it will help you, but it doesn’t. The voices are still there, quietly whispering in your ear that you are nothing, worthless, waste of space, stupid, ugly, annoying, bothersome, fat, and maybe even that you are better off dead. It’s your choice to listen to them or not. Do I? I don’t know…maybe?

Life, itself, is a game, not just a board game. You win, you lose, you get lost, you follow the trail, you listen to your elders, you break the rules, and most importantly you are labeled: smart, delinquent, rebel, good girl, tomboy, girly girl, slut, prude, asshole, bitch, prissy, stuck up, emo, goth, classy, skater, freak, idiot, loner, loser, popular, athletic, artistic, lazy, sweet, and evil. No matter what you do you will never be good enough for whoever you are trying to impress. The thing you need to remember is that you shouldn’t wake up to impress everyone. You wake up to IMPRESS YOURSELF.

Life sucks and sometimes you want to end it, but you don’t. You might now why you stick around but I can think of a few: your family, your younger siblings that secretly look up to you, your older siblings that secretly protect you, your best friend who would go into depression with your death, everyone whose lives would downward spiral blaming themselves, and most importantly your parents. Yeah, they could be a big reason why, but how would you feel if your kid took their life? They feel like they didn’t do their job as a parent and your family would fall apart. Do you want that?

Maybe you need to stick around a little longer. I don’t know maybe you inspire a little kid who watches you in practice and they want to be just like you. Would you encourage them to go after their dream or would you disappear? What would happen if you left the earth? Have you thought about that? No, probably not if you suffer depression or any mental illness that could lead to suicide. You don’t think about it, would just want the pain to end, but what if the pain could end without leaving everything behind? Would you take that offer?

I for sure would, I want it to go away, far away, but I can’t leave behind my little brother…I love him no matter how annoying he can be. He asked me once, “Do you care about me?” I wanted to reply “Of course I do, you’re my baby brother. I love you”, but for some reason, I couldn’t. Maybe it’s because I was thinking about dying and wanted him to somehow hate me already, but I can’t have him hate me. It would hurt too much but I can’t hurt him by leaving. I couldn’t do that to anyone…I care about them too much.

I guarantee there is someone in your life that you care about: a brother, sister, mom, dad, friend, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or maybe that little kid who adores you. Whoever it is, I want you to think about them whenever you want to die. Think how your death would affect them and know that whatever happens to them after you leave, you won’t be there to comfort them like you normally do. They will deal with your death alone. Yes, they will have family and friends to comfort them, but what if the person they want to hug is no longer there?

I understand if you want to die, but do you understand what it will do to those who care about you? Maybe you forget about them for the moment, but they will never forget you. How will you die? Gun, pills, exhaust, drowning, hanging, jump off a cliff, hit by a train, hit by a car, hit a tree, slit your wrists, maybe even poison. I don’t know and I don’t really want to think about it, but I know that everyone has thought about it, I even have but the only difference between people is that some people will do those things. It is the sad reality of life but everyone can help each other instead of making fun or ignoring it.

I had a friend once who wanted to help me overcome my struggles and he made me laugh, smile for real, and made me genuinely happy. That lasted for a while, but like everything it came to an end and I lost a great friend over my struggles. It became too much for him, but it was because he didn’t understand what went through my head or why it happened. I haven’t talked to him in months, but I miss him every day. If you experience this, you know that you start acting ruder towards them and try to disconnect them yet they also stay. He happens to be best friends with my best friend so he will forever be in my life…not the best but honestly it’s better than losing him forever.

However, maybe you want to forget them…I don’t know. Maybe forgetting them will be better, you could move on and forget every happy moment you guys had. If you would pick between going back in time and avoid whatever ruined your friendship or completely forget them, which would you pick? You could make new memories or you could forget your old memories with them. I don’t know what I would do, I want to keep my memories, but sometimes I just want to forget about him.

What my point is that no matter what happens in life, don’t give up. Don’t give into the voices degrading you. They lie like the humans on this earth. You will lose people, meet better people, and you will make it through this life. You need to trust yourself and believe you can. I need to continually do that because I struggle with it like everyone else, but we can do it. I know it.

<3 PLEASE READ BELOW <3

<3 VVV <3

<3 VVV <3

<3 VVV <3

LIVE FOR YOURSELF

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME

NO ONE IS YOUER THAN YOU

BE UNIQUE

BE WEIRD

BE FLAWED

BE IMPERFECT

BE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SELF

BE WILD

BE CALM

JUST BE YOURSELF AND YOU WILL MAKE IT

BEAUTIFUL

SMART

LOVING

CARING

ADORABLE

KIND

WONDERFUL

AMAZING

BE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE YOU

EVERYONE ELSE IS TAKEN


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