Dark Thoughts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
I wasn't sure what to title it, I know it's bad and not very creative... Was just having dark thoughts, figured it was self explanatory These were my thoughts a few weeks back, almost like a diary (this is also my first posted writing on here so feedback would be appreciated). Thank you for reading

Submitted: August 24, 2016

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Submitted: August 24, 2016

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-How I felt a few weeks ago-

My room is dark... The curtains are closed, blocking out any sunlight... The sun is too much for me, as strangely as it sounds. Maybe a stormy gray sky would've been fine. But the sun was almost insulting. It's a sign of productivity, as everybody gets out when the weather's nice, right? People stay in when it's cold and stormy, just like I am right here, just curled up in bed doing nothing. There may not have been a storm outside, but there was surely one raging in my head.

How does one feel so numb, yet heavy at the same time? To feel so much yet so little? I feel as though I'm weighed down by a ton of bricks. I can't get out of bed. I'm tired, so fucking tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling ashamed. Tired of being emotionally ripped apart. Tired of hiding, and from what? People? Why, though?! Why is going out such a nightmare?! Why am I so terrified of people? I shouldn't care, but I do. Other people function normally, why can't I?

I don't contribute anything positive to this world, so what's the point? Mom and Dad wouldn't care, they've told me to kill myself before didn't they? Just to get it over with. I burden them anyways. I only have one real friend, and look what I've done? I pissed her off, she tried to talk to me and I shut her out. God, I'm such an idiot. I'm lazy, idiotic, sad, untalented, ugly, an outcast.... The negative far out ways the positive. 

I feel so alone... And that's my fault, obviously. I shut out my friend, I shut out my parents. I've barely left my room, and that was only to do the bare minimum. I'm not eating, I'm not functioning, my vision tunnels when I stand up. I can't do this. I could easily end it, but somehow that still terrifies me. That should be good, doesn't that mean I have hope? I don't even know at this point....

How did I even slip into such a funk? How did I get here? At what point did life get so shitty that I'm laying here, feeling so miserable? I need to get out of this state, but everything seems so difficult right now. The misery seems like an endless road... I want to fix this... I have to.... I really do.


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