The evolution of self

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
A woman's power is undefined. It lies buried beneathe layers of emotions, that when hurt, is protected by defensive concrete walls.

This is my journey of enlightenment ...
My realization of power; and
The dawn of my spiritual awakening.

Submitted: August 27, 2016

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Submitted: August 27, 2016

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Its been quite some time since I last captured my thoughts or feelings with words on paper (or somewhat anywhere). Writing exposes my soul, leaves me naked and allows for true emotion to flow. Its for this precise reason, that I hit a writers block, I was not ready to tap into that dimension of myself just yet.

Time has since passed, I finally feel primed, willing and able. I now sit here keying my words to paper whilst reflecting back onto my past few months. Rewinding to the beginning of my roller coaster journey, I remember a life once filled with utter despair, embraced by complete turmoil and later by moments of rediscovery. Similarly, to the unfolding scenes of a movie I witnessed the tale of my life unravel before me, all while analysing my intent, thoughts and my behaviour.

At the beginning, I vividly recall life that was consumed by many erratic highs and several depressing lows - well beyond my rational control. The twist of fate and the altering of my life path resulted in these extremes which were often laced with indecisiveness and inconsistency. Making sense of it now, this was nothing out of the ordinary for my situation. My soul craved a purpose and expended energy through exploratory behaviour - claiming stability the one minute and letting loose the next. I have come to understand that the actions I expressed (that was sometimes displayed through absurd behaviour) were a total necessity to restore the balance of equilibrium. Life as I knew it was shaken, tossed and tumbled then left upside down. Suddenly, I found myself in a novel space submerged in this seemingly unfamiliar territory. My daily life required actions and responses, which were previously explored a decade prior to my newly found single status, if ever at all. This was my attempt to reinstate regularity and my life's new normality. 

All the while I was searching for higher purpose and a deeper meaning... The answers to so many of my critical questions… I wanted immediate gratification for my intent or something to substitute the emptiness and aching within... My search was continuously seeking complete fulfilment and determined to attach itself to something - without letting down the barriers that protected my heart. 

I jumped from one conclusion to another, Experiences based on a series of assumptions and theories. Each of which I explored more extensively before the yearning returned. First of my assumptions were: a complete devotion to the practices of my religion - the apparent answer. After all, pledging your heart entirely should complete it too? Somehow there was more. I had a void, my vacuole. I tried to fill the empty space with the presence and awareness of my Divine. I learned more about my faith and rediscovered the calm of prayer. I admit that this pillar I tossed to the wayside and I disregarded along my journey. This lesson and reconnection was the first positive gain of my journey. Not knowing then that this was but a temporary resolve and soon I needed more. Next, I gravitated towards spirituality, thinking it would soothe my desire for a deeper meaning of life. For a short while, the spiritual realm brought peace and the tranquility I sought. But, as it happened - this too was short-lived. As time passed my search for answers and logic continued. I met a magnificent soul, who enlightened my path with the concept of psycho-social spirituality. This subject spoke to both my overthinking and constantly questioning mind. It also gave meaning to my encounters with others, whilst simultaneously intertwining psychological explanations of life and drawing inspiration as well as supportive examples from my faith. The key lesson to mastering this concept was simple: understanding and then taking action. Blissfully unaware of the lesson at the time, this experience opened my mind to the endless possibilities of our presence in this universe, it sparked honest positivity as well as hope and reinforced my reigns of control on life… finally life had forward motion and some purpose.

My greatest discovery: not knowing that in all this time of searching, I possessed the key to my own questions and destiny; and amazingly I owned the map that guides my new way forward.  - Rufqah Simpson, 2013

My journey started with a simple step. Action. I projected genuine positivity (no longer the smile to please others or the faking it) but most importantly, I took action. I completely cut ties and walked away from my past that kept calling and then echoing my name. I learned that the road ahead lies before-me and can not be travelled if the mind keeps wandering back. Bad, negative and non-beneficial relations were removed. I walked away from anything that wasn't rewarding. I forgave myself for my "failures" and indiscretions - and transformed those exact negatory terms to something more positive and inspiring. My previous "failures" and indiscretions were now respectively deemed "attempts" (to succeed) and "learnings" (from mistakes). Soon I discovered something so profound that it reignited that glimmer of hope, reviving my focus within. 

My realisation:  My destiny is far greater than I could have ever imagined.  - Rufqah Simpson, 2013

Fate lead to another amazing discovery - this time to the works of a remarkable author. Her literature introduced me to enlightenment, love and gratitude for life. My readings instigated another curiosity, exploration of the authors' theory of 'the law of attraction'. The law of attraction explains  that,  'just like the force of gravity pulls you downwards…  even though we can not physically see the gravitational force, its presence inarguably exists. So too the unspoken rule of the universe states,  'like attracts like' … (implying) that which we project we will attract... and this is the law of attraction". I fully explored and embodied this law, and so my life was marked by change... Which became more and more  apparent... Opening my mind to an alternate guide to life and the impact of its greater meaning - I realised that I own my destiny and to embrace serenity, I would have to project it, be consciously aware of it and open myself to receiving it.

I began to feel hopeful again and when I smiled, I felt something different… simple yet remarkable. My smile brightened my face, it felt sincere and warmed my soul. This was but my beginning. It felt fantastic!

My next lesson was discovered through my further analysis of the law of attraction. I concluded that attraction exists because of love. Love was treacherous and became a vague concept that eluded me. Having to re-explore and then embrace the idea of love proved to be one of the most challenging experiences of my journey. The barriers protecting my heart were required to be lowered or to come down completely. This time, my protection had to be hauled down selfishly… not for another but for myself. Learning to love myself and opening myself to receiving selfish love hurt more than I anticipated. At first, I felt exposed and hurt. I cried. I went through a process of remorse then anger - this was my emotion tumbling out. I screamed on the inside. I felt it within, my need for forgiveness. I let it all flow. I accepted. Accepted that I am loved, loved by the universe and those who care about me, and love me completely. Love for myself, was enough. 

I've learnt that no other individual can complete you. You are enough for yourself. You are one complete "whole" and when you find another complete being, to walk alongside you with respect and harmony, sharing mutual goals and not forgetting his/her own; the union of these two individuals equate to a magnificent power; simply defined as a 'magnetic energy, ferociously manifesting between two complete counterparts; projecting an intense positive force and receiving the like; resulting in the conception and development of a profound and intense emotion… this feeling is epitomised and embodied as the sentiment we call love.  - Rufqah Simpson, 2013

Projecting and reinforcing personal love has dramatically impacted my interpretation of my daily interactions and engagement with people in my space. it has also allowed me to reestablish my goals and open my heart to the possibility of falling in love again. This filled a large dimension of my vacuole and colour seeped back into my life. Life still remained the same but my perception of it changed. I discovered a new skill: an ability to attract exactly what i want when the universe allows. I now see my life in High Definition, distinct clarity and colour makes the world of a difference and invokes such happiness. Complete love for self entails personal investment in your needs. Personally, this included forward thinking, implementing my action and attainment of my goals. 

 My goals now encompass: getting fit, healthy and toned; enriching my life experiences with more travel and exposure to different cultures; embarking on my religious fulfilment; and adding value to my life through completion of careers objectives which will ultimately result in sustaining my powerful, prosperous future and unequivocal successes.  - Rufqah Simpson, 2013

With all that has come my way in such a short period of time, I need to give gratitude. The lessons of gratitude have taught me a new found appreciation for life, lessened my overthinking, encouraged humility, stirred a deeper compassion and MOST importantly reconnected my FAITH. Faith in things, faith in people but most importantly FAITH in my CREATOR. I no longer waste time, I give thanks to those dear/special to me, am truly grateful for any impact made in my life and do not hesitate in encouraging what I see and sharing my positive thoughts as well as feeling gratitude for them. 

My teachings of gratitude has but begun… and what an amazing beginning it is. For life is what it is, but can become whatever I envision. My journey will continue but the manner in which it is approached will forever remain altered.


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