Passed time, Passed on.

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Time has gone by since the last time I was here, but that doesn't mean that my life has been made clear.

Submitted: August 30, 2016

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Submitted: August 30, 2016

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Its been a few years since I was last on here, August 29, 2014, to be honest, I didn't expect to come back on and i never thought i would re-read what i wrote when i was only 15, but time has passed now and i have changed, i am in high school and i've almost gone insane. My life has changed for good or for bad ill only know when im on my death bed. Ive tried to kill myself ive lost count of how many times, and ive hurt the flesh on my arms and my thighs. I've cried until my eyes ran dry. Ive stayed awake countless nights wondering why i wasnt good enough or why i was never pretty enough. Why this girl was so much better than I was and why i had to be living this life. Was this what I deserved? Did i do something that Karma was finally coming back at me for, I didnt understand i never understood. Why? Why me?

I was stupid. I've been stupid, you can ask anyone. When I was 12 that's when I think everything really started going down. I needed affection because I wasn't the pretty girl at school, I didn't get attention from any of the guys. I didn't have the nicest friends. My friends now that I look back were bullies to me. Not in the "oh we tease each other its fine" but then im going to say things to you that I know bother you, but im going to act like it's a joke. 

I was 12. I shouldn't have done the things I did, but I needed the love from somewhere and the internet gave me that. I got "love" from men I had never met and I hope I never meet. They wanted me and I gave them what I thought I could give. It was stupid. I was undeveloped I looked like a little boy, but they called me beautiful and that's all that mattered. When I was 12 my "nudes" were posted online by a guy that lived in Montana. They got deleted, probably not fully thankfully my face was not in the picture so if it was found today you wouldn't know that it was me. 

When I was 12, I thought i knew what love was, and i didn't. I thought when someone said they loved you they actually meant the words they were saying. I put so much trust in so many of the wrong people, and what I wouldn't give to take a lot of that trust back. I put too much trust in one guy and 3 months later he blackmailed me. Of course if he would have done what he said, I don't but i was too scared to find out, and he knew that. This was a 26 year old man taking advantage of a 12 year old who just wanted to feel beautiful and wanted by a boy. This same grown man, that said he loved me and said that my body was a beautiful temple also told me that he was going to find me, and rape me then he would torture me and kill me. He wanted to hide my body where noone would ever find it.  He told me he knew my coordinates and would be there in a few days. I ignored him because that's what my friend said I should do. A few days later a white van pulled up next to slowly next to me. I didn't see his face, and I didnt want to. I ran. I ran as fast and as quickly as I could and he didnt chase me, but I could hear his laugh. 

There was a boy who I thought truly cared, but long story short I was replaceable and worthless in his eyes and in his words. Sadly he was the first guy to see me without a shirt. He wanted to tease me saying he wanted me, but didn't think it would work. He would say he wish he had treated me better, and that he was sorry for how rude and mean he was to me, he said that he could be better and I belived him. Little did I know back then that what he was doing to me was abuse. 

Then i looked for the love and attention from the worst of all boys that you can see in high school and he raped me in the school hallway with only one witness who just watched me scream and cry while I was pinned against the wall unable to move. This guy just left me to be in pain and bleed and cry. He left me there and I have never been the same. Let it be noted that this boy got away with what he did because I had been made to feel like I was nothing and that I desereved everything that happend to me and that I wasnt worth enough to get help from people. I didn't let him realize that what he did was wrong.

But the boys don't stop, because boys are trouble. There was a guy that was insecure and wanted to amaze me by calling me by beautiful words. He was so sweet and tender during the first night, but then he wanted to fight or flight. He asked me out the very next day and when I said no, he pouted away. Me being me I ran after him saying I was sorry and that I would be his. It didn't last long because I didnt feel a thing, but he made me cry for hours on end. Saying that everything that was happening to him was my fault and that I should just die because I wasnt worth much at all. If I was a whore which he thought I was, I would do anything for free because I was just scum. 

There was the boy, that I thought could only want me from a dream. Though all he wanted was to lead me astray and take advantage of my body in a certain way. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I guess I was too naive. A week later he left saying that it was too much, and it wasnt worth his time to try and remember my name. Now when I see him he can't seem to look at my face. So maybe he feels bad, maybe he doesn't, but I know that I can't look up at his face without shame. 

There is a boy, that I can say that I love, but there are things about me that I can't seem to give up. I feel it lingering everytime we touch because he wants to go farther but my body says no! That's enough. I cry myself to sleep after he does and I don't know how to speak because I know what I say will hurt him in way that I'm not prepared to deal with. He knows a lot, more than most, if i think about it more than all. He's someone that you can call a best friend, but there are some things that I don't see coming to an end. 

I'm 17, but i remember the converstation I had with my sister-in-law in her car all about periods, and birth control, and waiting until you're married to have sex. I remember that conversation. I remember her talking about her friends who all of them who started their periods late had trouble having kids to this day. Little did she know was that I was 14, and I was considered a "late bloomer" That question is always on my mind. Wondering if maybe I will never have kids. So after that i've just shut the idea down. I've made it my choice not to have kids when i'm older not because a doctor says it's not possible, but because i'm saying no. I'm 17 and I have my period one a year. if that. Girls think thats lucky, but I don't feel lucky. Of course, I could just go to the doctor, but i'm 17 and what business is it of mine to see if I could have children one day. 

I feel fat. I'm not fat enough to be described as what our society would consider being thick, but thin enough so that it is noticeable that I am not as thin as I want to be. I cried for hours one night because while I tried to keep the guy I love awake by messing with his brain, he fell asleep and I felt like maybe I wasn't pretty enough to keep his attention and maybe I wasnt good enough for him and maybe he thought about leaving me like all the rest did. And the air was becoming thin and the walls were moving unbearably close and I thought i was dying and the only things i could let out was harsh breaths and silent sobs.

Anxiety is more present than ever now. The summer has made me realize how much there is to worry about, from school and grades to colleges and relationships with friends and boys and we all know how much trouble I have with that. I worry about things that shouldn't matter, becasue their microscopic to the other worries in the world, but when I think them they consume my mind and suddenly that tiny little thing isnt so small and it continues to grow until it is practically eating me alive. It makes me want to die, it makes me feel like im practically dead. I have felt everything and I want it to stop I want to go back to the way it was before where I could have a conversation and when they shut the door it met they would come back and not those million and one scenerios where it all ends with them hating me and finding me disgusting.

Im the happy child, the one that if I come clean about what is wrong, they sit there shocked because I seem so happy all the time. My life seems so perfect theres nothing that I should be complaining about. I should grow up and get over it. How can i? If someone could just explain to me how to move on and get past all this pain that I have? If you can show me an effective way to make all these little things that I hate go away. Help me. Show me that life is better than I think it is. Show me that the happy child can come back and it won't be the fake little smile and the forced laugh that everyone has grown used to. help. 

People think that when i'm sad I need a reason, but the hard truth is, is that I don't. Sometimes I just get sad, out of the blue, out of nowhere, all of a sudden. It's not a thing I want to choose it's something that just happens. When I say i'm sad don't just brush me off like nothing. You acting like my feelings don't mean a thing makes me shut down and when I shut down I start to go down a path that dark and scary, and it hard come back. It's a long long fight to crawl on your broken hands and knees to try to be even halfway to where you once were. I don't need a reason to feel sad, you can ask but if I say no tell me I will be okay and just keep reminding me that I don't need a reason to be sad. I can just be sad, but I will be okay. 

I felt nothing, I felt numb, I felt dumb and I felt cold. I didnt want to be here, or there, or anywhere. I didnt want to exist at all. I'm typing this in past tense because I want everyone to believe that they can get better, that they will feel beautiful, that they can find love, that God has a plan for you and this is just a rough patch in your life. I want to give them hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel... I just havent found the end of mine but one day i'm sure.

i hope.

 


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