I Let Myself Imagine She Was You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short tale of abuse and the consequences, from the male perspective.

Submitted: August 31, 2016

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Submitted: August 31, 2016



I let myself imagine she was you.

For that one moment in time, with no other thoughts in my mind except how you looked the first time we kissed, and I let myself imagine she was you.

You would close your eyes slowly, watching me until the last moment, when our lips would meet softly, your fingers curling into my hair with a motion so tender that it would bring a man to his knees. The world seemed to pass by in a haze in that moment.

My life has never been the same since that moment.

On nights when your memory would haunt me, when sleep would elude me in favor of your sweet face, I would go out into the night to find an imitation of you. Sometimes they had your eyes, sometimes your hair, but none of them held the grace that you once had. On those nights I would drown myself in my anger and sadness, drinking until I could fool myself into thinking she was you.

But when I would awake the next morning, looking beside me on our bed, I would see all the flaws of the woman I had fooled myself with, would see that she did not look like the woman I had loved since our first encounter. I would gently wake her and tell her I had to get on with my day, promising lies to get her out of our home and out of our bed.

The day you left me is still burned into my mind.

I think about what it would have been like if you were still here, if you hadn’t gotten into that car. I can still see your face as you drove away, still hear your voice as you said goodbye.

I still can hear your voice in this house.

The way you would welcome me home in the evenings, telling me you had made dinner. The way you would call my name when you came home.

Would we still be in love if you were here today? Would our life be the same?

I think back to that time and I feel anger pour into my soul. Why did you leave me? Why did you make that call that night? I promised you that I would change, that I loved you enough to change, but you didn't’t listen.

I saw your sister pull into the drive. I saw you run to her car and throw your bags before climbing in yourself. I ran for the door, screaming your name as the car pulled from the drive, watching you look back at me with tears in your eyes.

You said goodbye, and that you loved me, but you couldn’t do it anymore.

I sat that night in our bedroom, thinking back, trying to figure out when I had lost you.

I knew, and know still, that I am an angry man, that I have let my anger rule my life, and yours as well, for so long. The times I came home, angry at the world, and took it out on you were numerous.

I would strike out at you, bruising that beautiful face that haunts my dreams still. I would control you, hit you, and try to take out my short comings on you.

I drove you away.

I can’t blame you, darling. You stood by me for years, making excuses for my stupidity. You held me up, even if it was causing you to fall.

As I went to the mailbox this morning and retrieved what was inside, I came across the proof that I had lost you, truly. A formal letter from your attorney told me that we were over. That I must sign away our marriage because you were done with me.

So as I sit here, in our bedroom, I think about all that I have done since you left all those months ago. I haven’t stood by you. I would go out and drink to forget about you, only to try and find a replacement of you in a bar somewhere. I soiled your memory with numerous women, with lies and deceit.

I am broken; there is nothing in this world that will fix me, no person that will hold me together as you once did. With a heavy heart and a troubled mind, I wish you the happiness that I know I will never find. Because although I know that I will never find peace without you, I hope that you find peace without me.

© Copyright 2018 Jaymi K. All rights reserved.

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