The Coolidge Chronicles Reanimation Chapter 2

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Calvin faces Kruger Dieselhammer

Submitted: September 04, 2016

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Submitted: September 04, 2016

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  • Mammoth Driving
  • Having more fun being bad at something
  • Seeing weird adjectives (Creamy Starbucks)
  • Kruger Dieslhammer
  • Mustache Rage 2.0
  • Seeing Red
  • An intense game of Solitaire
  • Having a table with uneven legs
  • Awkwardly seeing your boss when you don’t want to
  • Being out of options It’s none of your beeswax, batch!
  • Respecting the alphabet
  • Yelling in a library
  • Confusing puns
  • Avoiding words you can’t spell
  • Putting and buying stock in things that don’t matter
  • Book ends
  • Prospectors and their daily routines
  • Being really good at making smoothies
  • Treating your parents with fake disrespect
  • Ticks are for adults now
  • Deadpan delivery
  • A warm, winter wind
  • Salt residue
  • Being intimidatingly good at non-intimidating things
  • Pens that have no ink in them
  • Eye patches (NOT PIRATES!!!)
  • Quiet noise cancellation
  • Double Letters (OH SHIT!)
  • Being too smart for your own good
  • Handwriting
  • Engarde!
  • Magnets (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
  • The Living Dead or the Dead Living
  • Being the same
  • Awkwardly staring at someone when you’re trying to think, but not checking them out
  • Staring into nothing but someone walks in that line of sight and now you’re the creep
  • Gorilla Jokes
  • Free Drinks!!!
  • Why the fuck not?!
  • Being proudly creepy
  • Weird dubstep breakdowns/sounds
  • Dry contacts/Fuck wind
  • Baskets
  • Highlights
  • Looking like a douchebag or douchy-like
  • Outdated catch phrases (Hot Darn!)
  • Sweet as sugar, thick as gravy
  • Girl Handwriting
  • Dressing down
  • Failing at being original which makes you original
  • Back Pockets
  • Comedy silver
  • Rover B. Jenkins (Hannah)

 

 

Calvin looked up after finishing a story that was written about him. The story talked about Calvin’s ability to have a deadpan delivery for his jokes through writing. All jokes aside, Calvin was ready for his next friendventure. 

Calvin was trying to relax after witnessing, in Ristretto St. Rosencake’s bunker, Gary Blatzer’s possible reanimation. Calvin had tried to gather information on this subject, but hadn’t found anything. Calvin felt like a prospector without any gold. Speaking of prospectors, Calvin had gown a very full and official prospector-like mustache. Calvin did have a possible lead, but that meant having to deal with Kruger Dieselhammer, Gary Blatzer’s top enforcer. Calvin amazingly avoided any interaction with her in his first go around with Gary. It seemed as though Clavin was out of options and would have to face Kruger. 

Calvin proceeded to the nearest library to collect his thoughts. He worked to formulate a plan on how to confront Kruger Dieselhammer on equal footing. Once Calvin reached the library he sat down, pulled out a yellow legal pad and stared intently into nothingness to collect his thoughts. Unfortunately for Calvin, a few people walked though his line of sight so it appeared that Calvin was staring at them awkwardly. 

Calvin knew that the individuals probably thought he was creepy for staring out into the deep void of thought but he didn’t care, in fact, he was proud of it. Calvin stopped focusing on others’ perceptions of him and continued to formulate strategies on how to deal with Kruger. (A major plot point that neither Calvin nor the author has mentioned until now is that Kruger has routinely kicked Calvin’s ass in any straight up fight they’ve engaged in.) Calvin took a quick study break and wrote down 3-4 very clever gorilla jokes. Calvin was starting to give up on the idea of facing Kruger so he got up and left the library. 

Calvin went to his favorite watering hold aptly named the Watering Hole. Calvin was feeling like an outdated catch phrase because everything he was coming up with had seemed corny and done before. Calvin sat his alcoholic beverage down on the table he was at. With the weight on a different side of the table than where Calvin was sitting he noticed the table shift with the new displacement of weight. To put things in more plain terms, Calvin’s table had uneven legs. That’s when Calvin realized what he needed to do. Calvin pulled out his yellow legal pad and pen and began to formulate a very weird but possibly successful plan.

Calvin didn’t want anyone to witness his crudely drawn plan so he yelled “FREE DRINKS!!!” and hastily left the Watering Hole. Calvin knew his new plan was going to have to be flawless in its fragility so that Kruger Dieselhammer would have to believe she had the upper hand. 

Calvin made it back to his sage house safely. He called it a night and would resume his plans and quirky activities the following day. Calvin started out his next day by wearing an eye patch. This would enhance his lack of recognizability in tandem with his beautiful mustache. Calvin adopted a guise that said “I avoid words I can’t spell.” Calvin tried to reflect on his previous engagements and wonder what it was that allowed him to avoid Kruger whilst disassembling Gary Blatzer’s army. 

Calvin was intimidatingly good at leaving a very easy trail to follow, so much so that most decided not to follow. Kruger would have easily followed Calvin but for some reason he never encountered her. Calvin had been tricked by Gary Blatzer a multitude of times, he wondered if he meant for Calvin to kill him. Calvin stopped this line of thinking because it’s boring and confusing. Calvin decided to enact his plan which was having no plan at all. 

Calvin got into his car and mammoth drove into town causing as much destruction to street signs and traffic lights as he could. Once in town, Calvin parked his mammoth as douche-like as he could. Calvin got out his car and began running up and down the streets making weird dubstep sounds. If there was one thing that Calvin was good at, it was making smoothies. If there were tow things he was good at, it was making smoothies and making shit up. 

Calvin knew if he kept up his antics Kruger Dieselhammer would find him and she would engage. Calvin continued his antics by vandalizing the walls of the local establishments with really girly handwriting graffiti. It wasn’t Calvin’s trademark but it got the job done. 

Calvin heard footsteps behind him. Calvin turned around, and sure enough it was Kruger Dieselhammer. Kruger looked up at Calvin and barked loudly. Kruger was a skin changer. Her alternate form was a dog but she could only retain her canine form for short periods of time. Calvin knew that tracking him would force Kruger to use her dog form to find him.

Sure enough his loud dubstep noise and use of strong smelling spray paint, stimulated multiple senses of Kruger. Kruger had been in her dog form for too long. She began to revert back to a human, a sight Calvin could only compare to seeing your boss outside of work. 

Kruger was garbed in unoriginal battle gear that gave her a look of originality. She looked at Calvin and said “You must have lost your mind or you know exactly what you’re doing. Which one is it?” Calvin stared at Kruger for a few seconds before yelling “Engarde!” Calvin dashed towards Kruger at a a rabid pace. 

Kruger stood her ground prepared to withstand Calvin’s assault. Kruger defended Calvin’s attacks successfully and with a focus that is only reserved for an intense game of solitaire. Calvin could tell that Kruger was saving her strength. Calvin was buying stock in that Kruger intended to change back into her dog form. 

Calvin felt a warm winter wind blow by. This could only mean that Kruger was about to change back into a dog. Overtime Kruger changed forms it distorts the weather in a ten foot radius around her. Calvin broke off his assault and began to run. Calvin did not hurt animals regardless of if they were skin changers or not, with one exception, cats. Calvin fucking hates cats. Skin changer or no, Calvin will make a cat know what its like to respect the alphabet. 

Calvin ran behind one of the buildings in town and took off his eye patch. Calvin hoped this might throw off his trial, but at least he could see with both eyes now. Calvin also realized how windy it was as well. His contacts were starting to dry out. Calvin muttered “fuck wind” under his breath and began to flee once more.

After about ten minutes of running from Kruger, Calvin felt an icy rain drop fall on his arm. Calvin knew Kruger was unintentionally changing back to her human form. Clavin slowly confronted Kruger to make sure she was human and not in the middle of changing because it was weird to see. 

Kruger had finished her transformation and stood patiently to absorb another assault from Calvin. When Calvin didn’t attack her she asked “How did you kill him?” referring to Gary. Calvin thinking that Kruger was stalling once more only gave her the verbal highlights of his destruction of Gary Blatzer’s army. They traded a few more questions before Clavin felt another strange weather change. Calvin reached into his back pocket and pulled a syringe out. 

The syringe contained a solution that would stall Kruger’s skin changing abilities. It was one of the final gifts given to Calvin by Jeremiah Fatsole. Jeremiah was a smart guy, too smart for his own good. 

Calvin charged towards Kruger while she was still human and injected her with the solution within the syringe. As he injected, he had hoped the solution would work and that Jeremiah hadn’t betrayed him one final time. Fortunately for Calvin the solution worked. 

Kruger in amazement as she was unable to change into her alternate form. Calvin waited to see what Kruger would do next. Kruger let out a yell that was so loud it felt like Calvin was in the library earlier in the story and Kruger was being that awkwardly loud person. Kruger exclaimed “What have you done to me?!” Calvin replied with a line that could only be described as comedy silver “I guess tricks are for adults now, huh?”

Kruger charged forth with an indescribable fury. Calvin was only barely able to defend himself. Calvin could tell he needed to do something dramatic in order to not die. At this point Calvin’s defense was merely quiet noise cancellation, at some point there would be enough noise to break Clavin’s defense. 

Calvin was getting thrown around with ease. At one point Calvin was used like a book end against a building. Kruger held Calvin by the throat against the building, his body being the only thing holding the wall of the building up. Calvin barely escaped being choked to death by Kruger and the building collapsed behind them both. Calvin could see a trail of his own blood that marked the road like salt residue after a snowstorm. 

Calvin reached for a pole from one of the traffic signs he had hit earlier whilst driving into town. Calvin began hitting Kruger with it but it was about as useful as a pen with no ink. Kruger began taunting Calvin, asking him “What’s wrong?” in a very treating your parents with fake disrespect-like tone. Calvin responded with “It’s none of your beeswax batch!” in a stereotypical sorority girl voice. 

Calvin was getting hit so hard he wasn’t sure if he was even still alive or dead. Calvin was slipping into the land of the Living Dead or the Dead Living. Calvin was out of options and ideas. He felt his body to try and figure out where he was bleeding from. As Calvin’s hands went across his face he felt his magnificent mustache. That caused Calvin to spiral into what could only be described as mustache rage (again). Clavin’s ferocity surprised Kruger.

Calvin decided to dress down so he was more comfortable. Calvin ripped his shirt off violently. Calvin attacked Kruger with an enthusiasm that could only match Charlie Kelly’s enthusiasm for magnets. Calvin tossed Kruger into a pile of baskets outside the Cinnamon and Gravy factory. Calvin could see that Kruger had been thrown into the baskets with such force that the factory’s slogan had been imprinted on Kruger’s stomach, it read: “Sweet as Cinnamon, Thick as Gravy.”

Kruger could see that all Calvin could see was red at that moment. Kruger held her hand up to surrender and said “Can’t you see? We’re the same!” Calvin calmed down and pondered this. Kruger emphasized her point by explaining how Calvin and her had been used by Gary Blatzer. Kruger offered to help Calvin deal with Gary again and added “Plus, I was having more fun being bad at chasing you than fighting you anyway.” Calvin pondered this new friendship and said “Why the fuck not?!”

 

In loving memory of KD. 

 

ZHS 


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