i settled for it

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
i was always settling for less than i deserved until i realised i was blinded by negativity and never realised the true meaning of being admired until that one night.

Submitted: September 05, 2016

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Submitted: September 05, 2016

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I was never really confident in who I was. I used to have a need to be liked, a need to be admired and a desperate need to be wanted. I never thought somebody would ever have the time to spend on me. I didn't feel I was unique enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough. Often, a guy would contact me, tell me how gorgeous I was, and minutes into the conversation, I would find myself in a recurring situation. Minutes into the conversation he wouldn't be telling me how gorgeous I was. He would be telling me how 'sexy' and 'hot' I would be undressed, and different ways in which he'd like to 'fuck' me. I felt desirable. So, I went with it. "I must be special, why else would he be so heavily sexually attracted to me?" I'd tell myself constantly. There was something about how they would almost beg me to show them my body. MY body. Not hers, but mine. A body that belongs to me, that I could use to make any guy want me. I mean they would want me, for a while, until they've had their fill with pleasing themselves, and, suddenly, they'd become tired. This is the part where they'd tell me how 'good' it was and how they'll 'text me tomorrow' and I'd feel..well, honestly, kinda used, but in a way, powerful. I'd wake up the next morning thinking about what happened, and I'd wait for that text. I wanted the excitement back. I wanted to feel, well, wanted. Time would go by, and I wouldn't hear from them, it was disappointing, but I lived. I'd be in bed that night, trying to get the attention off almost anybody willing to give it. I'd upload pictures that weren't too revealing, not too slutty, but I knew it'd catch someone's eye. Suddenly, I found myself getting messages. I mean, who would of thought a bare thigh could be so sexually admirable? I knew it would happen again, the compliments, the sexting, and then the empty promises of tomorrow. I came to the realisation, I wasn't special, I wasn't unforgettable or so extremely sexually desirable that ANY guy would get on their knees and beg just for that one, single photo. I was a girl. I was just any, ordinary, easy girl that they counted on for a few minutes of 'fun'. A girl that was gullible enough to believe they wanted all of me and not just my body. I knew they were there for one reason. I knew it, but I settled for it, comfortably. I told myself that I would have fun, that I would play them at their own game. I started to tell myself that I was young, that I SHOULD be having fun, and if I was to meet someone, well, I would. How could I get hurt if there was no commitment, no feelings, no jealousy? It wasn't that easy. I found myself getting attached to anybody remotely attractive who would compliment me on, well, anything. When they went, I missed them, but they viewed me as was an object, and I knew that, but i settled for it, uncomfortably. I found myself constantly trying to search for that right guy. I started telling myself absolute bullshit. "Maybe a naked photo will make them feel close to me and they'll realise.." Realise what? That I was a desperate, easy slut that they could go to whenever they wanted something? Yes. That was it. The worst part was I gave it to them. Every. single. fucking. time. 
Who was I kidding? This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want a 'fuck buddy' or a 'friend with benefits' I wanted one person. One person that I could do these things for, but for them, and only them. One person that would view the things I did as an act of love, and not an act of neediness or desperation. There was this guy, that I would text now and again. I'm not going to lie, a lot of the time I would speak to him for attention. Jeez, was that my ONLY hobby? Anyway, back to the point. I felt as if he, surprisingly, respected me. I mean, I don't know why, I used to act like a total skank to him too. He called me 'pretty'. That word was so beautiful to me in the most innocent way. I mean, it was so different from being told how much of a 'hot dirty whore' I was. I remember he told me he liked me a few times. And, I mean, I wasn't exactly dancing about it. I didn't want it, I was scared, I mean, he just sounded so genuinely serious it was so foreign to me. I'd always make up excuses, saying how I 'wasn't ready' and how I needed to 'focus on myself' but selfishly, still wanted the attention. We would sext constantly, and I found myself doing the exact same thing as those guys were doing to me. I mean, really? It kept going around in circles with him and I, sexting, mixed signals, and on-and-off check ins with each other. I never wanted anything, but one night that changed for me. He was drunk texting me. (I know, right? The typical start to all the brutal honesty). It was a few weeks, or months, since we last spoke, and I got a friendly 'hey'. I didn't really expect anything to change, our conversations usually went in the same way, but not complaining, I loved speaking to him. This night was just, different, in the most eye-opening way possible. He was telling me how much he liked me and I was flattered of course, I just didn't say it back. Keeping in mind that nothing about this guy changed, not physically or in the way in which he spoke, something just changed in me. Days went on and we were texting. Usually, when we texted I was never too time-watching of the replies. I mean I never needed them to be fast or whatever, just as long as he was still texting me, and still there. It was weird. This time I felt myself wanting replies faster, I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to know him more, I wanted him, in every way possible. We started getting closer and I started to begin to like him in the space of a week. We organised to meet up and I was bringing a friend along, (not a good idea, she was annoying as fuck, but we laughed about it). It was scheduled for a Saturday. I was nervous, and felt kinda sick, but I mean, excited too. I saw him and he wasn't how I expected him to look, he was taller, and his eyes were brighter, more blue. His eyes got me from the very first day, I swear. We walked around and the best part, he made me laugh. So fucking much. I don't ask for much, but honestly laughing with someone is important to me. He was funny, and I liked being close to him. I went home and I felt excited to speak to him. We confirmed that we liked each other and wanted to meet up again, so we did. Again, and again, and again. Weeks went on and it was coming up to summer. One Sunday night I was in bed talking to him. We were just exchanging messages. Jokingly, we would occasionally say we loved each other, but not seriously. It would usually be spelled wrong, kind of sarcastically, like how you'd say it to a friend who you weren't really close with. So I said it. "Love u!!" And this was it. He questioned if I meant it in 'that way' yet or as he said, "do you think you're maybe  starting to?" I didn't even have to ask myself. It was weird. It's like my heart already knew but was keeping it a secret from my brain. I remember saying "honestly, I think I'm starting to fall in love with you" He responded in the best way possible. He simply replied with "I think am too". That was it, that was beautiful, and I lay in bed that night with a stupid smile on my face with my heart racing and stomach doing backflips. It wasn't after making a guy beg to see my body, but it was after I finally experienced what it was like to love, and to be loved by someone, by the person I want. I thought when you loved someone the love couldn't grow much more, but honestly, when I see his grin or hear his silly jokes, it grows more every single time. We're now, 5 months in, and I am completely and utterly in love with him. I've always thought love was scary, full of sorrow and heartbreak. I was wrong. Loving him is so simple. It's comfortable, and feels like home. It never occurred to me that he could be the one for me, it never went across my mind, not even for a second, but I'm so glad that it happened. I know he's the one for me by just simply looking into his eyes. It's how they make me feel safe and secure, and how I could look at them for days on end and never want to look away. It's how he makes me feel desirable in every way possible, and how I can blurt out anything and I know I wont be judged. I was too busy looking around searching for that one person that I forgot to look at what was right in front of me. I swear I knew all along he was different, there was something about him that I could just never get tired of. I cared for him immensely, even when we were practically strangers, and now I know why. I never believed in soul-mates, but then again i never believed someone like this could come into my life. The strangest part of it all was that he was always there, but my insecurities blinded me so i never noticed how much I could love him. I love him. I love him so much, and I swear I will never see the day where that love would ever end. 


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