Late night thoughts

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Late night thoughts, your typical 3 am deep thoughts. What will take the pain away? drugs, alcohol? Who am I fighting against? who are you fighting against?
- Not finished, my first time writing like this

Submitted: September 12, 2016

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Submitted: September 12, 2016

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Laying in bed, early September, watching the sun setting over the city. All alone. My window is open. The cold wind and the smell of cigarettes that my neighbor smokes every night, fills my room. I am getting lost in my thoughts. The feeling you get after seeing a breathtaking movie, the movie fills you with joy, laughter, tears, love, hate, hope. When the movie ends, you feel a tiny hole, a space in you that was just filled by a script, something made up by someone you do not even know. In those hours watching the movie, you did not feel hopeless or lost anymore, you felt safe and hopeful. You keep watching similar movies, maybe the same, repeatedly, trying to fill the hole. The end is always the same, the hole is always there and it hurts just as much as it did the first time. I feel lost and there is nowhere to go.

I keep searching for something. I do not know what it is or if I will ever find it, but it gives me some sort of comfort. The thoughts are back. The 3am deep thoughts. Who am I? What am I doing with my life? Will I wake up tomorrow? Please just give me some answers. I am lost and confused. Whatever I do, every choice I make, it all seems wrong to me. Who am I fighting against? Who made all these battles happen? The only voice I am fighting is my own.

I have been high, low, in the middle, in the very deep and nowhere. I have tried escaping reality with food, alcohol, drugs. None that works more than the moment it is in my system.

Who can save me when I can't? 

I often think that I don’t qualify to feel sad over certain things. Why should I cry over things that some people could only dream of having? I try to take a step back and look at thing from a perspective. I live in a privileged family, in the richest country in the world with everything I need and more. What could possibly be so sad about my life? I think that to. Whenever I feel sad, if its about school, parents, friends or just not feeling comfortable in my own skin I don’t give myself permission to be sad over it. All the anger, sadness and words that I have hidden inside is like a volcano, it will explode very soon.

I am afraid what it is going to do to me. 


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