Ronald the King!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
*Not based on anyone!

Submitted: September 19, 2016

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Submitted: September 19, 2016



Ronald Tort was angry. Damn it, no one screwed with Ronald McDonald Tort and lived to tell about it! The object of his ire was Cecil Dobson, his personal financial adviser, who had just informed him he was almost broke, yet again. He's told him the news several times, and his answer was always, "So? File for bankruptcy," but not this time, this time he was running for president. At first, he treated running as a joke, a joke to get more publicity for his businesses, his businesses which were failing, yet, somehow, he had gained the reputation as a wizard with money, the voting public didn't need to know it was mostly gone, but was amazed that he actually was being taken seriously. He had said and done the most outrageous things, and figured they would instantly disqualify him, but to his shock, it didn't seem to matter to the voters. He hadn't really wanted to be president, but now that he was gaining in the polls, his competitive fire took over, annd he wanted to win, badly.


"Cecil? I don't associate with losers, and you're an absolute loser. I don't want to hear this right now, It'll ruin the illusion that I'm rich, and without that reputation, I'd be just another loud-mouthed racist with oral diarrhea."


"Sorry, Mr. Tort, but those are the facts."


"Well, get some new facts, these are bullshit!"


"I'll clean out my locker, as it were, and be gone by noon."


"Lockers, who authorized lockers? Shit, man, no wonder I'm losing money, f****g lockers!"


Dobson wondered just how far off the rails The Tort Express was? "No, there's no locker, it was just a figure of speech. Try to follow this, "I meant I'll clean out my desk, Mr. Tort."


"Oh, sure, okay."




Now that Tort had fired Dobson, who had been part of The Tort Team for 27 years, everyone left was tip-toeing around the boss. Sure, they had to wear knee pads to work, so they could kiss his ass, but said ass was connected to the golden goose, and nobody wanted to cut off the flow of money, so they told him what he wanted to hear.


He really had no idea what he was doing, but had found that big talk and acting like he did was good enough for the voters, who just wanted change from the way normal politics was run, and were desperate to follow anyone who came from outside it. Tort figured he may as well play that up by spouting about how the system was rigged against him, and preemptively striking by hinting that to the media, who would go out of their way to prove it wasn't so by going after his opponent, hard. He had learned to manipulate the press long ago, and it had served him well over the years. At first, he had been again shocked at how easy it was, and how gullible the media was, but anymore, it was just one more valuable tool in the Ronald McDonald Tort playbook on self-promotion. Let the media do his slandering for him.









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