time to say 'good bye'...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

my work 'time to say good bye'... is a story about a boy who screwed up with his low grades in his higher school and he decided to end his life.

Everyone will take their credit when you succeed but no one, no one will take credit of your failure .worse they will tell you how you are the only one who is responsible for your failure. Yes ,hi I m Nirvair singh and after 18 wonderful years in Patna I have decided to end up my life.

I sat on a system of cyber café  and rather than searching for best x rated video like other I entered my CBSE roll number 3511432 and my date of birth . right now I m very nervous and heart is in my mouth because I m going to press that E-N-T-E-R button, and CBSE announced  judgment of my future .





DOB- 02/01/1998







I took out nokia mobile set and opened calculator , I totaled it was 392 out off 500, I devide it by 5 and got 78.2 as answer, it was not just an answer on my calculator , it was answer of my life.

And my phone vibrate.

BIG BROTHER……. Calling

I pressed green button somehow  and took it to ears my ears started shaking ,sweat is in my head.

‘hello ‘ I said

‘how much percentage did you got, a straight forward question with a heavy voice putted by bhaiya

‘haaaa 78.2’ I said in low voice

‘oh! 78.2’  and he hang up the phone.

I was feeling guilty.

I didn’t stand on my family member’s expectation, my mummy expected a lots from me , my father and Bhaiya want to put me in  India’s best university but all dream was broken just because of that 55 mark in mathematics.

Again my phone vibrate it was my mom this time.

MOM BSNL….calling on my screen, I closed my eye pressed that green button and..

“hello” I said

“yeah hello beta”

“please don’t take any wrong decision”

:we except your result” she said

She was worried what if I  took any wrong step like jumping from top of the building, hang myself with rope.

“yeah maa” my voice cracked

And I cut the phone and took a rikshaw for Ashok Rajpath.


I sat with my best friend Harsh and his girlfriend Shreya at CCD mall, the coffee was overpriced but considering I had a day to live. I didn’t mind getting ripped off. The joke wasn’t that much funny as Harsh laugh  tearing open the second of sachet of brown suger and mixing for his gf . if the couldn’t mix a sugar in coffee. I was wonder what she would be like after mairrage.

“do you think I m joking?”

“ you are a medical student”


“ I m asking you what is most painless”

“and should be available easily” I said

I ordered a chicken roll . why not some delicious food on your last day

Shreya kept quiet while uploading the Facebook status that she is eating Chicken roll in CCD mall with his boyfriend. She came their for shopping rather than meeting me. Harsh told  me he only date her as her father is a big politician and given him a car which make it easy to get around.

She look okay by face .

“oh, how much did you got in XII board ?” Harsh said

“78.2 percent” I said

“ oh “ he makes O shape form his mouth as I did a crime

“ you didn’t studied properly?” shreya opened her mouth for first time with a bitter question.


“ I did , I mean I studied a lot”

“ I slept only for four hours in last two years” I said

“ no time for yourself?” she asked

I shook my head, I spent all my time with 2 time meal, sleeping four hour and rest of the time with books” I said

“  my boy its 78.2”

“ its ok”

“ you will get good college in Bihar atleast “

People use this kind of word like ‘atleast’ when they do something better than you

“ but I don’t want to take admission in any university of Bihar” I said as I opened my rucksack


“then?” that bitch shreya raised her eyebrow

‘ I want myself in DU”

“ it was my dream” I said

“its dream only “ Harsh commented as like he was laughing on my condition

Shreya and I both gave Harsh a dirty look

“ hey, lets do some shopping” Shreya said

Seriously I want to slap that rich dad’s bitch who was asking for shopping and for fun on anyone’s last date

“ there are still some good colleges where you can get admission easily in Lucknow or in other part of India ‘ Harsh said

“ but none of them have same brand value” I relied

Harsh pushed my plate of chicken role toward me. I  picked one piece of rolebrought close to my mouth but didn’t  ate it.

“ what to do?” my tears comes on my eyes

“ will I get some decent job or not?”

“ hey nirvair relax” , paper is done and sticler don’t do good in life, creative people do  and you are.

“ universities like DU , don’t think like that “

“what I m trying to say” I said as I begged him please understand

“ hey bro don’t be like that “

“ a single sheet of mark sheet can’t decide your future” he said

“ not in reality” I contradict

“ you know Varun Aggarwal , Sandeep Maheswari , they all are college drop out”

“But see , now they all are counted as genius “ he tried to motivate me

“ but they all have strong family background”

“ I m nit so rich  , that my dad will give me money for start up” I said

“ I can’t force you”

“ do want you want “ he said to me looking at his Apple Iphone screen which was gifted by her girlfriend on his birthday

“ oh , its shreya’s message calling both of us on second floor, she choosed a dress for her” he said

“okay you go” I said

“ and you?” he raised his eyebrow

“ let me finish my chicken roll” I said

“ okay bro” he said and leave

I also left my table , paid whole bill which was 500 buck for 3 cup of coffee and 2 chicken roll which I didn’t ate but as it was my last day , so it was noy a bad deal to spent some bucks on myself.

I came out of CCD and took a auto for Mahendrew dak bunglow.

While on auto the wind was hitting my face , it give relief to my sweaty facein this hot summer season .  I give 15 rupee to auto’s wala and went to my house. My feet were not allowing me to step ahead as I know  many question will be asked to me. What if Sharma’s ji daughter got higher mark than me , but my inner voice saying to me “ YOU HAVE TO FACE THIS PROBLEM”

I opened door of my building and nothing was visible as because of no source of light was their same like my life.

Papa was watching the TV news channel and breaking news was all about who topped India this year , I didn’t make any sound and went upstair, I locked myself in room.

I looked at all those notes which I prepared and pasted it on my wall , but now all this were useless. I cupped my face in my hand and think “ where did I mistake”

Suddenly someone knock door , I took my sleeper, wiped my tears washed my face with water, which I kept in bottle so my face will look fresh .

I opened my door and noticed that she was my mother. I came on my bed and sat cross legged , she also came and put her hand on my shoulder.

“ don’t be upset” she said

“ hmm” I said as I was not in mood to say anything

“ how much shruti got” she asked

“ I don’t know”

“why should I check her mark” I said

Suddenly her phone rang and I know it was Bhaiya , she recived his call and my heart was on my mouth with every second I was thinking only one thing “ what he will say next?”

“ yeah , he is here “ mummy answered on one of his question and forward her phone toward me, my hand were shaking , my lips started shaking, each cell of my body was activated.

“ hello” he said and I kept silent

“ so I can’t fill up your DU  form he said and I kept silent

“ say something idiot” he shouted and I closed my eyes

“ papa is crying in front of me on phone , because of you , you broke his dream “ he shouted

“he is not saying anything to you , because he afraid if you take any wrong step” he said

“want to commit suicide ?”

“want to?”

“then do it loser”: he shouted again

“ hey shut up” mummy snatched phone from me

“ you will shut my mouth , what about other’s mouth “

“shruti got 92.6 percent” phone was in loudspeaker mode so I can hear what he said

“oo “

“don’t know”

“what happened to him?”

“ he spoiled his life”

My mummy changed her tone within a second and it hurt me a lot.

“How can she do like this?” I asked myself

“why people take their credit when you succeed , but no one came to take their credit from your failure

Two year ago , when I topped my 10th batch then this were the only person , who was taking their credit of my success , my mother was telling everyone that she gave me tution to best teacher , my tution teacher was telling everyone that I learned from him that’s why I topped but today when I m a failure no one is saying that “ I have pressurize you a lot”. No one is looking at ,my hard work , I killed myself , I killed my hobbies , I killed my interest and now I m going to kill myself,  but no one is looking at that , they all are looking at one thing that is my mark, my mother leave me alone as she was putting all blame on me with Bhaiya .

I walked behind her to my door and close it when she leaved . I rubbed my eyes and sat on my desktop . I clicked on google chrome and went to education department website. There was a link called ‘ what after XII’? I clicked on it, it took me  to a blank page , with under construction sign. I opened Microsoft word to type.

Dear Education Minister,

 I hope you  are fine with your large staff and with your massive bunglow , which are treating  you well. I won’t take much of your time.

I’ve passed out class XII  and have decided to end my life. I scored 78.2 per cent  in board and this is the only reason  that I m ending my life. There is a huge trophy from science oylmpiad which I won a month ago. However there are many trophy holder in this country  and few college seats that I  didn’t get into the college that will train me to get next level or open up good opurtunities.

 I know I have already screwed up with my JEE MAIN result I got 93 mark without any coaching  , but just because I was born in a higher caste family CBSE crashed my dream,  I didn’t my cut off.

When my parents were young , certain college were considered as prestigious , now 40 year later the same college are considered prestigious.

What’s interesting that is no new college have came up with same brand or reputation level. Neither the number of seat expand in existing colleges fast enough to accommodate the rising number of students.

One could argue that bright student only deserve good colleges , but what about those students who are not book worm, who don’t mug up what teachers  write on blackboard and vomit out in answer sheet.

But then it look like you have stopped building universities .

Do we join second rung college? A deemed university ? a distance learning programe ? get a degree in an expansive racist country?

But what about fees structure ? my brother already have passed out  from a private college , where my mother and father have already spent lots of money. Bank didn’t give them an education loan.  My father used to cry when he had shortage of money in time of fee submition.

Now they have expected a lot from me . I didn’t have any girlfriend or too many friend as people who want to get into a good college are supposed to have a life . if only I’d know slogging for 12 years would  amount to much . I’d have had more fun.

Your truly


{poor student}

I took a print out of the letter and kept in my pocket. I decided to act the next morning.

I woke up as my mom switched off the fan to sweep the room. Suddenly a Marvari uncle came in my room with a box of sweet in his hand.

“ what happen?” I said as he gave me the box . it had Kala-kant from one of the most expensive shop in city. As he was too rich , so it was not a big deal for him.

“my son passed class XII”  he said with a huge smile and huge stomach

“ what he will do now?” I said

“he have his own shop, he will sit there and will earn something” he  said

I went to bathroom for a shower . I realize the newspaper would have come, I ran out of the bathreoom, I went down stair . I saw Papa was reading that newspaper , from tomorrow I didn’t had any conservation with him. He looked at me but didn’t said anything . I hang my neck down and came back in my room.

I left the house at mid day , I took the auto to Ashok Rajpath and asked the way to the industrial chemical market . as I was a science student so I know chemical like Copper sulphate or Ammonium nitrate could kill you. I bought and packed both compound. I passed with square feet litti chokha shop . I thought last meal had to be delicious . I took a plate of it.

I looked  at a couple with five year old child came next on the bench . the mother fed the boy and kiss after each bite , it remind me of my childhood and my parents who loves me unconditionally  when mark didn’t exit . I saw the box of both compound , my eyes welled up. I couldn’t ate litti chokaha . I came back home . I wondered if I use this compound before or after dinner.

May be it would better  when everyone is slept.

We sat at dinning table. Papa told mummy that not to cook food as he brought food from outside

“ shruti must worked hard” my mom said to Papa

“ yeah “ papa said

“but, Chotu also worked really hard , that’s different thing he didn’t scored good mark”

My tears was about to come out on my eyes as I heard Papa’s words he still trust on my hardwork.

I finished my dinner fastly , I know my mom will make me mad if I sat for a second more.

I took my plate and washed it and stepped toward my room with each step I was going close to death, I opened door glared at each and every corner of my room , where I spent my beautiful 18 years I went outside and took last dodge of air, I sat on my plastic chair and decided to write last one more letter for Papa and Mummy , I opened MS word as if I write it on a sheet my hand will pain.



I don’t know what I m going to do is a right decision or not but one thing is for sure from now onward  you will not get complain from my side. You both have did a lot for me , but I was never a good son who can full fill your dream . I was a cheater , who cheated you.

Papa I never had complain from you because you gave me , what I demanded , you wake up with me till mid night , just to give me milk and  coffee at night. You walk , you don’t travel on auto just to save money and to full fill my requirement. I know you have already cried on my performance in board. Bhaiya already have told me  and he also told me that my life is Useless so I don’t think it’s a good idea to live a useless life, so its better to end it.

But tell bhaiya if by chance if I will be his brother in next life , so please treat me as a friend and also suggest him ‘ never get too much angry that people dare to persuade you’.

He don’t want to wait for my NATA result , I don’t know why he think I have cheated him. I never lie to anyone in family , I told him I will get good mark in that , but you also know no one in family believe in my word.

Mummy said ‘ she don’t want to see my face “ because I look like Chacha ji who always demand and create problems for you, tell her not be worried as I m not going to create same scene in future. And I have two reason for that first is that ‘[ I dint want to put anyone in trouble ‘ and second one is that I wouldn’t be here to create such scene again.

Tell mom that I was born from her womb only , I knowI was never a good looking and cute as Bhaiya and that’s why she never treat me like her son. And when I need their support emotionally they left me , she and bhaiya always pressurize me’ fear is not good for grade’ and they both have created that fear in my mind . they never give me  a chance to speak up. I want to say many thing , to her , to you . I always want to be a writer, I wrote a half finished novel but look at my bitch luck now I m writing a suicide letter. I still want to say many thing papa , but I don’t know why my emotions is not coming out. They have killed my emotion , I m empty from inside.



Love you

Papa and Mummy

I took out the print out of my suicide letter and put on table. I went near mirrior . combed my hair as on last moment I want to look pretty good, so atleast my mom will hug my death body.

I sat on chair , now I was crying from inside , my tears brust out , nose started running I m going to end my life. I opened that plastic in which I have kept both compound. I opened that white box, I got confused now which will be more poisionious , so I could die without much pain , because I already had lots of pain from inside. I close my eye and choose one of the compound randomly , it was ammonium nitrate. I broke its seal and suddenly its smell spread all in my room.  I put the neck of the bottle on my lips , I took it by sip by sip and my neck started burning , it was paining . some one was on door may be my parents , who smelled its smell , but now I was not in condition to move myself.

The bottle fell down from my hand , I felt like as some one hits on my head. Blood comes out from my nose and mouth. Finally it work . now I don’t have any complain , no expectation , no tension , no dream.

Who say? “ a single sheet of paper can’t decide your future” here “ a single sheet of paper takes my life.

Submitted: September 19, 2016

© Copyright 2021 ABHINAV SENGAR. All rights reserved.

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