Oiche mhaith

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: September 21, 2016

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Submitted: September 21, 2016

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20th of September 2016

“At some point you meet someone.

Or you buy a second cat.

That’s where it all begins.”

Oiche Mhaith

I spell my last words with no energy left; ‘Oiche mhaith’. You make me smile by wishing me one last good night in my own language. And deep inside I hope that you will say that one word a thousand times more than just that last time. ‘Slaapwel.’ ‘Slaapwel.’ ‘Slaapwel.’ You spell my name right for one last time, even though it’s written differently in your language. My lungs finally let me breath again. The sound of my own heartbeat ironically makes my heart ache as every beat reminds me of everything I felt for you. It does every second. Keeping in mind that all those feelings are destined to vanish one day, just because of 600 miles standing in between us, is a fact I can’t seem to accept. Choosing distance over love is the hardest thing I will probably have to do in my entire life.

‘Stupid not existing teleportation machines’, I say. You laugh and remind me of the importance of a person’s sense of humour. We both admit that those machines would make this entire situation easier and share another laugh though the both of us is closer to tears.

You want me to find happiness and peace in my life. Ironic, because I already found it when I found you. Which isn’t entirely correct as you know because you found me that one night. And before I hear the echoes of a good night wish filling my room, you tell me to take care.

There the echoes go: ‘Slaapwel.’ ‘Slaapwel.’ ‘Slaapwel.’

The silence afterwards tells me I won’t sleep that well. How could I ever?

 

21st of September 2016

Dear warrior

Dear warrior,

 

The first day I have to miss you has come to pass.

I am scared because I am quite convinced that these feelings will last.

And honestly I would like them to haunt me for days.

So that the memories I have of you, will not fade away.

 

Dear warrior, I know that you would want me to move on.

But what is there to move on from when you are not completely gone?

You might be miles away yet I know where you are.

I might be kilometres away from you, though it doesn’t seem that far.

You have a piece of my soul, of my mind, of my heart.

 

Dear warrior, my eyes have felt your absence more than once today.

As salt tasting drops filled them up and my heart cried out for you to stay.

My mind wouldn’t focus on anything but the words you wrote last.

I swear you will define my future as you did with my past.

 

Dear warrior, the physical distance is what made us give up.

But my emotions and mentality doesn’t want me to stop.

I won’t forget you, no, I won’t give up. 

 

22st of September 2016

“Nothing beats a great cup of tea.”

A cup of tea

As it is the day for second things, I hope you will have second thoughts right now, which is extremely selfish of me, but nothing but the truth. I hope and hope and hope, just for you to say we could make things work, ignoring the fact that you were right two days ago when you told me that distance would kill us both. It is the second day I have to miss you. As social media made it easier to connect with people over the world, I find myself wishing it did not exist today. Seeing your profile picture followed by a green little circle on the right side of my laptop screen, reminds me once again of how easy you made things for me yet how hard everything is right now. Every time something was up, no matter whether it was good or bad, I would send you a message even though you may or may not be online at that moment. That action would be followed by me waiting until you read it. And nowadays I still look at your picture. I still wonder whether you’re online. I still care. Seeing that little green circle staying green and me not being allowed to fall into the old habit of telling you how I am doing this day, slowly makes me realise that you are not gone, not even unapproachable. But I can’t message you. I can’t fill your screen with words about my no lifers life. Just because it would be too hard for the both of us. We can’t reconnect and fall into old habits because we would both find out we still love each other. Then we would, once again, have to accept that our love is impossible. And you can’t go through that pain and misery again. And I am still helplessly trying to ignore that it is impossible. The only impossible thing for me is to not love you.

Oh stupid human ability to care, why do you make us go through all this pain? Missing someone does actually hurt. That is something I learned over the years. Your heart feels like someone is crushing it between his two strong hands. But no matter his strength, he will take his time to crush it. And your lungs seem to be quite willing to help this heart-murderer. Is this what a heartbreak feels like?

I make some tea because I believe it has a calming effect on me. That idea couldn’t be more wrong. You told me once that nothing beats a great cup of tea. Well, the great cup of tea beats me. It reminds me of the day I asked you which teabag I should pick. You made fun of me being unable to make a choice once again. You being as silly as  you are, told me to put one of each teabag in a cup and see what would happen. I did not go through with your idea and chose Twinings green tea instead. I can’t get myself to choose Twinings green tea again and I am definitely not calmed down thanks to the tea I did chose. The reminder of you isn’t good nor bad. It just keeps you close to me which is something I sadly should try to avoid but can’t get myself to do yet. It is only the second day that all of this is going on. I am not ready to let you go. I am as addicted to you as to tea and I will never give up any of you.


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