The Donahues Episode 254

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan’s Spanish class goes experimental once they start treating the students like babies to simulate the process of learning a language. Ethan continues his race to the bottom after Irville Satch wins the Democratic nomination for Mayor. Manafort contacts Ethan to get revenge on Trump

Submitted: September 21, 2016

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Submitted: September 21, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“RACE TO THE BOTTOM”

 

TV-MA DLS

 

“Providing, deciding, it was, soon there. Squared to it, faced to it, it was, not there. Renewed, it fought as if someone were watching over it, before it had sooner been denied. Renewed, it seemed as if it had a cause to live for. Destroyed, it was later based on fact”

  • Colin Newman

 

(We start with Ryan sitting in the hallway outside his Spanish class, near Steven. He is watching the footage of Hillary Clinton fainting as she gets into her motorcade)

 

STEVEN: Is that the fainting Hillary footage?

 

RYAN: Yep.

 

STEVEN: So I guess they were right about Hillary’s health. They must feel pretty good about themselves.

 

RYAN: Yeah, I bet they’re so happy a 68-year old woman has pneumonia. Because they’re great guys. They’re not deplorable! Don’t you dare call them deplorable!
 

STEVEN: They’re definitely not a basket of deplorables. I think the Klan usually draws names from a cowboy hat or something to figure out who’s gonna bring snacks next time.

 

RYAN: Probably.

 

STEVEN: So, what if Hillary has to drop out because she’s too ill? Does that mean Bernie Sanders-

 

RYAN: Nope. The DNC would pick Joe Biden or Time Kaine.

 

STEVEN: But Bernie got second place-

 

RYAN: Doesn’t matter. They can deal with Donald Trump for four years as long as they never get that socialist Jew forcing them to actually, you know, do stuff for people.

 

STEVEN: It is a frightening predicament to be in. I mean, Trump won the Commander in Chief forum, the swing state polls are tightening and now this?

 

RYAN: This may just be an experiment. How terribly can you run a campaign and still win because your opponent is so awful that at least a majority of the country can’t fathom voting for him? Because put it in perspective. This race is like Gollum VS. Voldemort.  I’m gonna vote for Gollum in that election because who could in good conscience vote for Voldemort? At least Gollum USED to be good.

 

(The door to the Spanish class opens, as students from the previous class start pouring out. Ryan and Steven stand up, and other students start funneling into the classroom, along with Ryan and Steven. They see cribs, baby rattles, toys and baby food in the room, instead of desks)

 

STEVEN: …Huh?

 

RYAN: Well. Was the last class home ec? Is that a thing in college?

 

(Senora Gallagher comes in with a box of diapers and sets them on her desk)

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Hola! Como estas?

 

RYAN: Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher, but why are there cribs and toys everywhere?

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: En Espanol, por favor.

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: Lo siento, Senora Gallagher, pero por, uh, tienes, juguetes y…creepy cribs?

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Bueno pregunta. Todos los personas, sientate! (They all look at each other) I said “sit down!” (They all nod and sit down on the floor) The University is trying a very experimental method of teaching Spanish. As you probably know, the mind is most capable of learning language when it’s very young, so at SUNY Plattsburgh, we’re leading the way by simulating the experience of being a baby in classroom, to see if it has similar results.

 

STEVEN: That sounds, humiliating.

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Nonsense. Anyway, I’ll pass out your diapers in a second- (A fratty looking guy raises his hand) yes, little one?

 

FRAT GUY: What if your frat brothers already treated you like a baby for a year and you learned the language of brotherhood, does that make me exempt?

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: No. But it should.

 

RYAN: So we’re really doing this.

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Yep! Everyone get dressed. (No one gets up as Senora Gallagher holds up the diaper) Fine. At least get in your cribs or start playing around.

 

(Senora Gallagher puts down the diapers and students slowly begin crawling into cribs. Steven just starts playing with a truck. Ryan gets into a crib)

 

STEVEN: Why am I just accepting this?

 

RYAN: Because GPA.

 

STEVEN: Yeah.

 

RYAN: You know, one time, Michelle and I-

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Silencio! Usted debe aprender de forma natural, sin hablar!

 

(SUBTITLES: Quiet! You have to learn naturally, no speaking!)

 

RYAN: Lo siento.

 

(Senora Gallagher starts tickling Ryan’s belly)

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Cosquillas, cosquillas, cosquillas!!

 

(Ryan starts laughing uncontrollably)

 

STEVEN: I don’t think he made as much progress as I thought he did.

 

(Senora Gallagher turns to Steven)

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Que necesitas, pequeno?

 

STEVEN: Yo quiero cigarillo.

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Vamos a suponer que esto es una familia brasileña a continuación.

 

(Subtitles: We will assume this is a Brazilian family then)

 

(Steven takes out a cigarette and starts smoking it)

 

RYAN: Mama! Mama! Haces, haces, uh, uh, el cosquillas otra vez! Por favor!

 

(Subtitles: Do, do, the uh, uh, the tickling again! Please!)
 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Talvez luego, nino.

 

(Subtitles: Maybe later, child)

 

RYAN: Awww!!

 

(Senora Gallagher goes over to some other kids and starts speaking with them)

 

STEVEN: You degraded yourself so quickly.

 

RYAN: I like the way it felt, I don’t know. Human touch is…nice. I miss it.

 

STEVEN: How are you gonna look Speedball Rob in the eye and say you didn’t keep your dignity for a whole week like you said? You know he’s gonna go back to speed after hearing that.

 

RYAN: Why is it that every time someone falls off the wagon, everyone else in the group falls off the wagon?
 

STEVEN: Because it’s solidarity. It’s probably an unproductive system, actually.

 

RYAN: Steven, I’m not gonna let you ruin this for me. I forgot how cool it was to be an infant. (Senora Gallagher comes over with a bottle of milk) Free milk, whenever you want!
 

(Ryan starts sucking on the milk)

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Cierto, el gusto su leche, huh?

 

STEVEN: That milk isn’t from-

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: No, of course not. I would never buy milk from a Walmart, that stuff is too processed.

 

STEVEN: That’s not the question I was going to-

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: This milk is all-natural, organic.

 

STEVEN: Oh no.

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: From my tits.

 

(Ryan removes his lips from the bottle)

 

STEVEN: No, I got it.

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Malo nino! No Ingles! Tiempo muerto!
 

(Subtitles: Bad child! No English! Time out!)

 

(Senora Gallagher points to the corner. Steven takes a puff on his cigarette)

 

STEVEN: See ya later.

 

(Steven goes to the corner)

 

RYAN: Was that really your tit milk?

 

SENORA GALLAGHER: Si, Ahora cállate y beberla.

 

(Yes, now shut up and drink it)

 

RYAN: You’re too hot to say no to.

 

(Ryan keeps drinking the milk. Cut to Ethan in a board room with Nelson, Fiona & Micah)

 

ETHAN: Okay, you guys are my brain trust. And Irville Satch is the Democratic nominee for Mayor, so we accomplished that goal. But how do we get him elected?

 

NELSON: Probably ads painting him as an outsider, your strong endorsement and then all we have to do is ask for the approval of the forest people. Then we’re good.

 

ETHAN: Fantastic. Next up, when it comes to my strategy of out-doing the Mayor every time he says something crazy, when’s a good stopping point? I think it-wait, did you say something about forest people?

 

NELSON: Yeah, we just gotta get the forest people to give their blessing to the Satch Campaign, that’s all, standard procedure.

 

ETHAN: …No, not standard-what the hell are you talking about, forest people?!

 

MICAH: You’ve never heard of them?

 

ETHAN: No! I don’t believe in fantasy! I don’t even believe in seahorses!
 

MICAH: Ethan, every single Hansbay Mayoral candidate since Hansbay was founded in 1818 by disgraced weight loss tapeworm salesmen has been approved by the forest people.

 

ETHAN: I wasn’t! Remember, I ran in that special election three years ago and didn’t see any, any forest people!
 

MICAH: Explains why you lost.

 

ETHAN: Okay, you guys are fucking with me, right? Sarandon would’ve told me about this.

 

NELSON: You’re not supposed to talk about it with anyone not directly involved. I guess Sarandon took the secret to his grave.

 

ETHAN: No, he actually took a kidney he had been meaning to sell to his grave. And it wasn’t his own.

 

NELSON: This is how it’s always worked, Ethan.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: I guess I’ll play along.

 

(Cut to Ethan, Nelson, Micah and Fiona walking through the woods)

 

FIONA: Ethan, did you know I lost my virginity here?

 

ETHAN: I thought you lost your virginity in that Romanian bathhouse when you were sixteen?

 

FIONA: I lost my virginity a lot of times, honey, just forget I said anything.

 

(Nelson holds up his hand)

 

NELSON: Stop.

 

(They all stop walking and look forward)

 

ETHAN: What?

 

NELSON: It begins.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: Okay, here goes. Uh…forest people. Otherwise known as some kids playing a 200-year prank. Uhh…do I have your approval to- (Two men dressed in black come out of nowhere and restrain Ethan) WHAT THE HELL!?

 

(One of the men puts duct tape on Ethan’s lips)

 

FIONA: HEY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE-

 

(Two other henchmen restrain Fiona and put duct tape over her mouth. Paul Manafort comes out of the darkness of the woods wearing a trench coat over his suit)

 

PAUL: I can’t believe you bought that forest people crap. I once used that on Trump to get him to eat vegetables. (Ethan screams in a muffled tone of voice) Ungag him.

 

(They pull the tape off Ethan’s mouth)

 

ETHAN: COCKSUCKER!!

 

PAUL: Wow, easy with the colorful language, this isn’t Maine.  You small town people have values, right?

 

ETHAN: WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS KNOWINGLY LED ME INTO THIS TRAP!?

 

PAUL: Actually, both of them did.

 

ETHAN: Huh?

 

(Ethan looks over at Nelson and Micah)

 

MICAH: I’m sorry, Ethan. But there was no other way to settle this conflict.

 

NELSON: And there was no way you were going to meet with Manafort willingly.

 

ETHAN: Yes! Exactly!! Why would I?!?

 

PAUL: Because there’s deals to be made here. Excuse me, honey, men are talking.

 

FIONA: I was not saying anything. Also, fuck you!

 

PAUL: Ethan, I have a deal to make with you. As you may know, I was fired from the Trump campaign.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, from what I hear you weren’t enough of a white supremacist to run that campaign.

 

PAUL: Not only that, I didn’t like running his baths and cleaning the orange rings that he left in them.

 

ETHAN: Ugh.

 

PAUL: But now he’s gaining in the polls. He’s tied with Hillary Clinton and has about a 40% chance of becoming President.

 

ETHAN: I know. It’s so terrifying I’m beginning to think I should run for city council in Canada. But what does that have to do with anything?

 

PAUL: What’s the one thing that makes Trump put his foot in his mouth more than anything else?

 

ETHAN: First off, can your goons let go of me?

 

GOON: Hey buddy, I ain’t no goon, right boss?

 

PAUL: Let him go, goon.

 

GOON: Yes sir.

 

(The goons let go of him, and Ethan dusts off his suit)

 

ETHAN: I’m gonna kill you later, Nelson and Micah.

 

PAUL: So, what makes Trump shoot himself in the foot more than anything else?

 

ETHAN: When someone gets under his skin and he lashes out.

 

PAUL: Exactly. That’s why I want to work for you.

 

ETHAN: Wait, what?

 

PAUL: Donald Trump hates you.

 

ETHAN: Sorry, Donald Trump knows who I am?

 

PAUL: Yes. Remember? Your son embarrassed him at that rally back in January?

 

ETHAN: Oh yeah. Sorry, that whole thing feels like it was a terrible dream. In fact, this whole campaign feels like a night terror.

 

PAUL: Well, he also hates how you left the Republican Party and endorsed Hillary Clinton.

 

ETHAN: That man is concerned about me? Some former Republican running for city council in a small city in the tiny state of Vermont?

 

PAUL: Don’t you know how unbelievably small, petty and thin-skinned that guy is? If you were running for class President, he would tweet an insult at you.

 

ETHAN: So you’re going to get under his skin by working for me?
 

PAUL: Yes. Then maybe he’ll fly off the handle enough that he can lose this election.

 

ETHAN: Why would you, in particular, affect him that much?

 

PAUL: I spent five months kissing that guy’s ass. And he believed me. If I make this slight, he’ll lose his shit. Probably tweet a picture of me picking my nose.

 

MICAH: Did you do that?

 

PAUL: Yes.

 

MICAH: Gross.

 

PAUL: He’s not Teflon. The Khan Family feud hurt him. Thanks to Roger Ailes, he hasn’t shot himself in the foot too much in the last several weeks. Let’s make Trump fail again.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: I don’t know why I should trust you. But I don’t see another reason you’d possibly care about this campaign. So welcome aboard.

 

(Ethan shakes Manafort’s hand. Cut to Ryan sitting on his computer, doing homework. Ryan turns to Baine, who is on his computer wearing headphones)

 

RYAN: Baba.

 

(Blaine takes off his headphones and turns to Ryan)

 

BLAINE: What?

 

RYAN: Oh. Uhh…nothing. I just wanted some water, but I guess I’ll get it myself.

 

(Blaine squints his eyes)

 

BLAINE: Right. Of course. Why would I-

 

RYAN: You wouldn’t. You wouldn’t.

 

BLAINE: Ryan, you do realize that this is the first time we’ve spoken in four days?

 

RYAN: Yes, I do. I’m sorry. Just go back to playing video games and chewing tobacco leaf.

 

BLAINE: Thank you.

 

(Blaine puts his headphones back on and takes out a tin of Copenhagen Chewing Tobacco and begins chewing it)

 

RYAN: God, that’s so gross.

 

(Ryan turns to his computer. Ryan sighs and closes his laptop. He then walks outside and looks down at the pool from the balcony walkway. He takes out his phone and calls Alan. Cut to Alan washing his hands in the bathroom of a Speedy Chicken while wearing his Speedy Chicken uniform. He dries his hands as his phone starts ringing. He picks up his phone to see it’s Ryan. He answers it)

 

ALAN: Hello?

 

RYAN: (On the phone) Hey, Alan, are you busy?

 

ALAN: Yeah, man, I’m in the bathroom at work. I gotta go back out there.

 

RYAN: Hold on! Hold on!
 

ALAN: What?

 

RYAN: Just real quick, before you go out. Uhh, read me a story so I can go to bed.

 

ALAN: What?

 

RYAN: Like, it can be about work, just whatever. Read me a story.

 

ALAN: Once upon a time, a nigga had to GET GONE! Bye.

 

(Alan hangs up. Cut back to Ryan)

 

RYAN: Damnit!
 

(Ryan hangs up and puts his phone in his pocket. Ryan puts his head on the railing. He then takes out his phone and calls Catherine. Cut to Catherine in her apartment, speaking to a baby goat)

 

CATHERINE: How did you find me? You know you can’t stay here. (Catherine’s phone rings and she sees it’s Ryan) Hold on, Harmon, I have to take this. (Catherine answers the phone) Ryan?

 

RYAN: (On the phone) Hi.

 

CATHERINE: What’s going on?

 

RYAN: I know it’s been a while. But, you know, I always thought of you as the mother I never had.

 

CATHERINE: You have a mother.

 

RYAN: Yeah, but never a mother like you.

 

CATHERINE: I was not your mother, Ryan!
 

RYAN: I’m lonely, Catherine. I hate University Inn. HATE IT.

 

CATHERINE: What about your roommate?

 

RYAN: Total dick. He goes to bed at 10pm every night. And I can’t stand it.

 

CATHERINE: Why?

 

RYAN: I don’t know why!

 

CATHERINE: Then just change roommates.

 

RYAN: It’s not that easy. I want to live with you again.

 

CATHERINE: But you already paid for the semester.

 

RYAN: Yeah, but I don’t have to live there really, I can live there just on paper.

 

CATHERINE: And what? You’ll just live with me and there’ll be no sexual tension?

 

RYAN: Eww! I just called you my mother!
 

CATHERINE: Ryan, I’m sorry, but you have to be more independent!

 

RYAN: But it sucks here!

 

CATHERINE: Ryan. Then get involved in some clubs or something.

 

RYAN: I’m in a prison therapy group, but besides that….

 

CATHERINE: Get involved with, I don’t know, maybe a music club or something. Take hashish and listen to Captain Beefheart. But we’re broken up. And I’m apparently living with a goat anyway.

 

RYAN: They’re gonna notice the smell of your apartment.

 

CATHERINE: It’s fine, I have the whole building convinced I’m a crazy at lady because I always leave through the fire escape, I play the sounds of cat mating on my speakers and I put on Harry Belafonte records all day. So no one’s gonna bother me.

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: God, that sounds like a great life.

 

CATHERINE: Find your own escape, Ryan. I found mine.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

CATHERINE: Goodbye.

 

RYAN: Goodbye.

 

(Catherine hangs up. Catherine opens up her laptop and puts on the sounds of cats mating. She then walks over to her record player and puts Harry Belafonte on the player. She then turns to the goat)

 

CATHERINE: Are you sure you want to live here?

 

(The goat shrugs and walks into the next room. Cut to Ryan in his dorm, on Reddit. The room is dark and his roommate is fast asleep. Ryan looks at the time. It’s 10:02 PM on Thursday, September 15, 2016. Ryan rolls his eyes and he sees a Reddit post reading “Dependency fetish gigs exploding online”. He clicks on it. He begins reading an article about the “dependency fetish” phenomenon. He then goes to Craigslist and looks up “dependency fetish”. He then sees results in the Plattsburgh area for people willing to get paid for dependency. He looks around, and then clicks on one of the ads)

 

RYAN: (Whispering) Companionship? That’s no work at all. I’m Blaine’s companion, for Christ’s sake. And I don’t HAVE to screw these people, that’d be prostitution otherwise. Companionship. Yeah. (Cut to Ryan the next day, walking up to a mansion, holding a bag. Ryan knocks on the door. The wind starts picking up) Oh. (Ryan holds his coat tighter) Where’d that come from?

 

(The giant door creaks open as Ryan backs away from it. We see a middle aged man wearing an affliction T-Shirt and jeans)

 

MAN: You’re Ryan, right?

 

RYAN: Yes. And you’re Mark Cuban?

 

(The man laughs)

 

MAN: No, I’m better than Mark Cuban. I’m Zachary Birch.

 

(Zachary extends his hand. Ryan shakes it)

 

RYAN: Nice to meet you.

 

ZACHARY: Pleasure. Come in.

 

(Ryan comes in and Zachary closes the door behind)

 

RYAN: So how’d you earn your fortune?

 

ZACHARY: Duct tape. No one had cornered that market yet.

 

RYAN: Oh.

 

ZACHARY: I know, right? It was right there for the taking. Do you want something to drink?

 

(Zachary walks into his kitchen)

\

\\\\\RYAN: …Seems like a good idea.

 

(Ryan goes into the kitchen. Cut to Ethan, Nelson, Fiona, Paul and Micah in a campaign meeting in a boardroom)

 

ETHAN: Okay, so, Deters has upped his inflammatory game up. He realized that the 1st anniversary of Sarandon’s suicide is today, so he said I was happy when he died because it meant my one obstacle to becoming Mayor had gone away. And then he suggested I may have been involved in Rwandan Genocide, but he doesn’t know for sure.

 

MICAH: Call him gay.

 

ETHAN: No, I don’t want to turn off the gay vote.

 

FIONA: Ryan wasn’t gonna vote for you anyway.

 

NELSON: Call him a “stupid little baby”. And then make fun of that weird crook in his nose.

 

ETHAN: It is a weird crook, I like that.

 

PAUL: Come on, guys, let’s keep our heads. Say that you’re above this childish squabbling and focus on attacking Deters on the issues.

 

(They all grow silent and look at Paul)

 

ETHAN: Fuck that.

 

PAUL: ‘Atta boy.

 

FIONA: You’re really earning your keep, Manafort.

 

PAUL: I know. I’m going to go hang out in the break room just in case you guys want to talk about taking care of someone. I can’t be privy to those conversations.

 

(Paul smiles and leaves the room)

 

ETHAN: I feel like by ignoring him, we’re gonna win this thing.

 

NELSON: Oh, absolutely.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Deters debating in Hansbay High School’s gymnasium. Richard Stovall is moderating. There is a considerable audience, sitting in fold-out chairs before them)

 

RICHARD: Welcome, candidates. Tonight, we will discuss important issues that affect the good people of Hansbay. We did a coin toss to decide who was asked a question first tonight. Councilman Deters won the coin toss, but then demanded we do it again because it wasn’t fair. An arm wrestling match ensued, despite our repeated assertions that it would not affect who got the first question. After the third thumb war, we finally got here. So, Councilman Deters, presidential candidate Donald Trump admitted President Obama was born in America today. What are your views on the birther issue Trump has championed?

 

(Councilman Deters groans)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: First off, I haven’t lifted weights in a long time because I started focusing on track and field, so those arms wrestling matches were bullshit.

 

ETHAN: Excuses, excuses.

 

(Ethan smiles)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Secondly, I believe Obama was born in America, and Donald Trump’s investigators confirmed this and it just took them five years to report that fact. It’s no big deal. We shouldn’t be distracted by these petty issues and we should instead focus on people’s jobs, our kid’s school, and how Mr. Donahue isn’t from Vermont.

 

(The crowd gasps)

 

ETHAN: What?

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Mr. Donahue’s website says he was quote, “born and raised in Vermont”, when in fact, I obtained a copy of his birth certificate and it says- (Deters holds up a copy of Ethan’s birth certificate) Mr. Donahue was born on November 4, 1965 in Jackson, Mississippi.

 

(The crowd gasps again)

 

ETHAN: Once was enough.

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: He claims to be one of us. But in fact, he’s a good ol’ boy from a foreign state that has a name I can’t even spell. Probably has Muslims too.

 

RICHARD: Ethan? Your response?

 

ETHAN: Well, Richard, the simple fact is, if my website says I was born in Vermont, that’s inaccurate and I’ll correct it as soon as possible, but I did grow up in Vermont, and… (He notices people are bored) uh, I also, if you want to know, when I was growing up, there was hardly a place in Hansbay that I didn’t get laid at one point.

 

(The crowd goes “OooOoOoH”)

 

RICHARD: Tell us more.

 

ETHAN: Well, I lost my virginity to an adult in a garage-I mean, sorry, I meant a girl named Victoria under the bleachers at Hansbay High. She was a ten, and she later laid me behind our first Starbucks, the old United Bank and the old big ditch, all of which are now Subways. Come to think of it, we should have fewer Subways- that’s my new campaign promise! (Cheering and applauding) And I bet Councilman Deters is still a virgin!

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: AM NOT!!

 

ETHAN: Where and when did you lose your virginity?

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: I, lost it, I lost it in my girlfriend’s bedroom when I was twenty-two.

 

ETHAN: Ouch.

 

(The audience cringes)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: It was really quite beautiful.

 

ETHAN: Sounds quite boring to me.

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Do you want to move on or anything, Richard?

 

RICHARD: No, you guys go on ahead.

 

(Cut to Ethan watching local television news at his apartment)

 

RICHARD: Last week’s debate gave Mr. Donahue a noticeable bounce in the polls for the hotly contested Hansbay City Council Place 4 race. Donahue is now three points ahead of Deters in the latest poll.

 

ETHAN: Fuck yeah!

 

(Anella comes in)

 

ANELLA: What’s going on?

 

ETHAN: I’m now three points ahead of Deters. This strategy is working.

 

ANELLA: Yeah…I wanted to talk to you about that.

 

ETHAN: Let me just get some conversation champagne then.

 

(Ethan reaches under his coffee table into a bucket full of ice labeled “conversation champagne cooler”. He then pours two glasses of champagne, and hands Anella the drink as she sits down)

 

ANELLA: I think you’re part of the problem now.

 

ETHAN: What problem?

 

ANELLA: See, that’s exactly what someone who is part of the problem would say.

 

ETHAN: I’m still not following.

 

ANELLA: You hired Paul Manafort. You know how many dictators that guy has worked for?

 

ETHAN: But I’m not a dictator, I’m just running for City Council so I can eventually run for Mayor, then Governor, then President of the United States.

 

ANELLA: So you’re just power-hungry?

 

ETHAN: Yes.

 

ANELLA: He’s an awful guy though, and I don’t know if I can date someone who would compromise their values to work for someone like that.

 

ETHAN: Oh, Anella. You're so idealistic.

 

ANELLA: Don't call me naive.

 

ETHAN: I wasn't going to! I was just going to say, your expectations of people's behavior is hilarious and unrealistic.

 

ANELLA: Okay, you said everything but naive.

 

ETHAN: I'm sorry. Just being honest. I don't want Trump to win, and Manafort is quite frankly a genius.

 

ANELLA: An evil genius.

 

ETHAN: I can neither confirm nor deny that.

 

ANELLA: Ethan, I swear, if you continue to employ Manafort, there's going to be no further Thursday three-ways. Or Monday manage a trois. Or Sunday sex with three people. Or Wednesday-honestly, no matter what you do, we need to reduce the amount of three-ways per week.

 

ETHAN: I think it's at a reasonable amount, but...I mean...shit. Manafort does have strong Russian connections and has assisted dictators.

 

ANELLA: That's exactly what I'm saying. It's immoral.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: I guess now that my poll numbers are up, and surely Trump is already annoyed, I can let him go. But it's gonna break his little heart.

 

ANELLA: Do you not have the heart to do it?

 

ETHAN: It's less about the heart, it's more about the balls. He has connections, man.

 

ANELLA: Then I'll do it.

 

ETHAN: You?

 

ANELLA: Call me a Senior Advisor.

 

ETHAN: Okay. Your funeral. Thanks, babe. (Ethan kisses Anella on the cheek and grabs a nearby Fedora) Things are really looking up.

 

(Ethan opens an umbrella and walks out the door. (Cut to Ryan and Zachary sitting on the couch in his mansion together, drinking wine)

 

ZACHARY: So, if you thought that was the end of this story, buckle up, because I am not even near the middle.

 

RYAN: Cool, cool, can you bring me some ice, my hand is getting hot.

 

ZACHARY: Sure, sure.

 

(Zachary gets up and walks into the kitchen. He then walks into the room with a bowl of ice, and sits it next to Ryan, who then puts his hand in the bowl)

 

RYAN: Thanks, Zachy. I have to keep my body temperature below average at all times.

 

(Zachary sits down)

 

ZACHARY: What else can I do for you?

 

RYAN: I'll be hungry in thirty minutes. You'll know because I'll start sighing in a more exasperated fashion than normal.

 

ZACHARY: Okay.

 

RYAN: Great, so be ready to get Sonic or whatever. In the meantime, can you whisper that boring-ass story in a kind of ASMR style for me? I feel like being tingled.

 

ZACHARY: ...Sure. (Whispering) So, my luggage was found on another plane, and-

 

(Ryan lies back with his eyes closed)

 

RYAN: That's right, I like that.

 

ZACHARY: (Whispering) And, the airline apologized-

 

RYAN: Hmmm.

 

ZACHARY: And then I was heading home on I-35 when-

 

RYAN: Yeah you did.

 

ZACHARY: (Not whispering) Ryan, I don't like this.

 

(Ryan opens his eyes and looks at Zachary)

 

RYAN: What do you mean?

 

ZACHARY: I started offering this dependency fetish thing just to get company. But I thought I could handle the dependency stuff. But I don't know.

 

RYAN: Dude, just be lucky that I'm not wearing a diaper.

 

ZACHARY: Well, let me just offer this. An alternative request. Let's reverse this service relationship. I'll pay you, to keep me company.

 

RYAN: Come on, dude, that's sad. Now please read me Goodnight Moon so I can take a nap.

 

ZACHARY: Ryan, I don't want to be your dad. But I can be your sugar daddy.

 

RYAN: ...Well...my band did lose money on our most recent record.

 

ZACHARY: There you go. Need a way to make the money back? And not to mention a lifestyle of luxury in a college town full of poor students? Say yes. You'll be considered a God to them.

\

\RYAN: ...Well, why the hell not? I have very little dignity left anyway.

 

ZACHARY: Same here.

 

RYAN: I don't have to have sex with you, right?

 

ZACHARY: No.

 

RYAN: Okay, good. No offense, but, I'm just not...I'm straight.

 

ZACHARY: Completely straight?

 

RYAN: ...Sure.

 

ZACHARY: ...Alright, whatever, welcome aboard.

 

(Zachary shakes Ryan's hand. Cut to Ethan and Paul sitting in a board room together, looking at papers on the table)

 

PAUL: I think appealing to the youth will be somewhat easy, considering the youngest people who vote in local elections are fifty-five.

 

ETHAN: I've been trying to reference Happy Days in my speeches lately, to get the youth buzzing about it on Pinterest.

 

PAUL: That's smart. You know one campaign that never tried to reach out to young people? The Trump campaign. That place's youth reach-out effort was a disaster.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, I bet.

 

PAUL: They think the fact Trump has young sons and daughters is enough.

 

ETHAN: To be fair, they'll probably run the country if he's elected.

 

PAUL: True. God. Those imbeciles over there treated me so badly. They deserve what's coming to them.

 

(Paul opens up his laptop)

 

ETHAN: Yeah. (Ethan perks up) Wait, what's coming to them?

 

PAUL: Oh, I'm in the process of ruining their lives. Each and every last one of them. If I don't make examples out of them, how is anybody else going to learn that you treat Paul Manafort with respect?

 

(Ethan looks alarmed)

 

ETHAN:Exactly, I totally agree.  (Ethan gulps and straightens his papers) I need to go find somebody, because, because they have papers I need for, for, the dentist. Appointment. I have later.

 

PAUL: Ethan, just say you'll be right back.

 

ETHAN: Good advice. That's why I pay ya!

 

(Ethan nervously chuckles, then races out of the room)

 

PAUL: You know, he's a decent guy, I misjudged him from the start.

 

(Paul starts typing on his laptop again. Paul sips on some coffee, when Anella comes in wearing a pantsuit and holding a paper bag)

 

ANELLA: Hey, Manafort!

 

(Paul looks at Anella)

 

PAUL: Can I help you?

 

ANELLA: Are you ready for this? You might want to sit down for this.

 

PAUL: I'm sitting.

 

ANELLA: Well sit down more.

 

PAUL: Who are you!?

 

ANELLA: I'm Anella. Senior Advisor to the Donahue campaign.

 

PAUL: Then why have I never seen you?

 

ANELLA: Because we have secret meetings behind your back. Where we talk shit about you. And there's homemade jell-o. And it's great.

 

(Paul stands up)

 

PAUL: What's your problem?!

 

ANELLA: My problem is YOU! YOU'RE FIRED, ASSHOLE! GO ADVISE SOME THIRD WORLD DICTATOR INSTEAD- AND I DON'T MEAN DONALD TRUMP!

 

PAUL: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! YOU BACKSTABBERS WILL PAY FOR THIS!!

 

(Anella spits in Manafort's face)

 

ANELLA: You might want- (Anella holds up the paper bag) this to cover up your face in shame. I mean you can't keep a job for more than a few months, and that's pathetic.

 

(Paul wipes the spit off his face, and is clearly furious. Paul walks up to Anella)

 

PAUL: You're lucky it's politically incorrect to punch a woman, or you would be on the floor right now.

 

ANELLA: First off, don't assume my gender, second of all, do it, pussy. Nothing's stopping you. (Paul shakes his head and leaves. Anella sits down at the conference table) That is by far the best thing I've ever done.

 

(Ethan comes in, breathing heavily)

 

ETHAN: Hey Paul, don't-FUCK, was Paul here?!

 

ANELLA: Yeah, I just fired him.

 

ETHAN: Goddamnit. (Ethan sinks to the floor) God fucking damnit, why didn't you answer your phone, Anella?!

 

ANELLA: Don't worry, he took it well. He didn't even punch me.

 

ETHAN: We're screwed.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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