Stupid Buggers - One

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Footsteps, yarns and little fibs

When townies come to the country, they can be ignorant!

When I visited Amsterdam, I received plenty of those ‘you are crazy’ signs! ‘Country bumpkin arrives in the big smoke syndrome’, I guess you could call it. I was fascinated by the architecture, trams, bicycles, people, the canals the whole thing really. I received bells! Bells from cyclists because I stood on their lane and trams because I stood on their tracks! So the locals no doubt, thought I was pretty stupid! Well that’s fair enough but sometimes when townies come to the country, they do not follow our rules and they can be stupid.

Have a read.

‘Want to go rabbit shooting, Merv?’ asked Carl wiping his hand across his mouth.

‘Yeah, could do.’ Replied Merv, who belched beer fumes.

‘We can take my buggy,’ Carl suggested, ‘and one of the girls can hold the spotlight.’

‘Shirl would like a night out in the country,’ he said, ‘we’ll take the tent, sleeping bags and a few beers.’

‘Nah,’ Carl pointed out, ‘there’ll be a good frost so we better make it whiskey – Pewter’s partial to whiskey and it makes her…!’ He trailed off.

Off they went to the river to where there was a gravel beach and pitched their tent, threw in their sleeping bags, and to keep the cold out, they had a swig or two from a bottle. There was still a little daylight, so the four piled into the buggy and away they roared, with the exhaust unmuffled, across the gravel, in no particular direction and sometimes even in circles! The noise of the buggy drove off the nesting paradise ducks and plovers, and scared the rabbits so none sat long enough to be shot at, but they fired anyway, most usually not even hitting Planet Earth!

Empty handed they collected some driftwood and built a fire, not noticing Sophie who looked down at them from her horse. She was standing on the terrace above them. She leased the paddock nearby and was concerned that the noise from the buggy and the shooting might spook her cows and calves. She rode down to them.

‘You guys shouldn’t be camping here!’ Sophie didn’t stand on ceremony.

‘This is the Queen’s chain and we have rights!’ Exclaimed Carl, ever the bush lawyer. A fiery young man at be best of times but more so with a bellyful of whiskey.

‘The Queen’s chain does not apply here,’ replied Sophie evenly, ‘and anyway, you are further than a chain away from the water course.’ 

[A chain is 22 yards or 20 metres]

Sophie knew to argue the point with this fellow was futile, so she rode away. She rang and told me what had happened.

Later in the night, after roaring around the riverbed in their buggy and shooting at and missing rabbits, they stoked the fire to warm up.

‘That woman on the horse doesn’t know what she’s talking about!’ The whiskey was making Carl angry and fidgety. ‘Bugger her, let’s go!’

The roar of the buggy woke us at about midnight and at first I thought they were turning around in our gateway. Daybreak revealed that the buggy had backed over the post holding our mailbox and the mailbox was smashed. This was no accident! I knew the buggy was still down by the riverbed so come daylight, I walked down to speak to whoever owned it.

Tents do not have doors, nowhere to knock, so I called out but there was no response. I opened the flap and went in! I expected to confront two or three guys.

Sure enough there were two forms in the tent, so I lightly kicked the nearest one, and to my surprise the form was two people, one on top of the other! They were apparently doing what comes naturally! The last thing I expected that frosty morning was to find any woman down there! Especially doing that, mind you as it turned out I suspect Carl was probably the result of a drunken one!

‘Who the hell are you?’ Roared Carl.

‘The landowner. I’m waking you so we can negotiate the repair of my mailbox.’ I replied quietly.

The copulating pair were up at me aggressively while the other two remained in their bag, eyes down. Pewter angrily pushed me in the chest a few times, forcing me to step backwards and with each push she called me those rude names that I too can use but with much better emphasis! Merv woke and came out to join the fray, but Shirl stayed in the sleeping bag.

‘Just one thing,’ I said to the three when they had finished pushing and abusing, ‘the woman on the horse was correct in saying you have no right to be here.’

‘Bullshit!’ Carl interrupted, ‘the Queen’s chain is legal.’

‘Maybe not on this river,’ I replied, which is true, there are three new Zealand rivers where the Queen’s chain does not apply and this is one of them ‘but whatever you think you should know that her brother is a high ranking police officer and I took a photo of your number plate.’

‘Anyway, how do you know it was us?’ Carl demanded, referring to my letterbox

‘I was watching you through the scope of my rifle.’ I lied. ‘I saw you all quite plainly! You guys were pissed off with Sophie, and you obviously thought it was her letter box. You thought you were teaching her a lesson eh?’

Shirl joined Merv and spoke quietly to him.

“Ok,’ acquiesced Merv, ‘I will come after work on Monday and fix the mailbox.’

Carl scowled.

As they passed on their way out, a fist was shaken – that would be Carl.

The old wooden mailbox was beyond repair, so as I passed through town, I bought a new, flash plastic model in the colours of our local rugby team. But as Monday darkened, I began to doubt that Merv would show up, but show up he did, with Shirl anonymously staying in his vehicle.

‘Thank you for your patience with us yesterday.’ He said as we worked together. ‘Actually I’m the franchise holder for building garages and as Shirl pointed out that, the episode could be bad for business!’

‘Don’t come back.’ I advised, but in a friendly tone, and I shook his hand.

I poked my head into their vehicle.

‘Thanks to you.’ I said to the young woman I could barely see in the dark.



Submitted: September 23, 2016

© Copyright 2021 moa rider. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:



Yep, there are different rules for different places, Moa, but I don't think Carl's behaviour would have been acceptable in any of them. Well, I hope not, anyway. Another good story!

Sun, September 25th, 2016 1:10pm


Thank you Mama Hullabaloo, you are right he had a ton of aggression.

Sun, September 25th, 2016 11:50am

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