A Letter to You

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: September 24, 2016

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Submitted: September 24, 2016

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Darkness is a tangible thing.

You can feel it, you can smell it, it’s hanging in the air, it’s underneath your bed. You can’t see through darkness. It’s something you have learned when you were young and when you were groping for your teddy bear beside your bed when the night had fell. Then slowly you learned to feel, to feel this world’s sharp edges and its curves. You can raise your hand and feel pieces of darkness enveloping you. That’s when your own eyes have betrayed you. Darkness caresses you, its touch is as soft as your mom’s hand. And sometimes in those inexplicable moments when you had your face buried in your pillow, it draws your feelings out of you. All your emotions were tossed into this darkness that had become your world for just a few seconds. You felt them poking your arm, pulling at your hair, dancing on your belly. They loved doing that. 

Darkness is everything and nothing. Darkness is a reflection of you, staring back at you.

 

So here I am in the middle of all this darkness, staring at my phone. I have decided to draw those pieces of darkness out of me. To do that I have to make a confession. It’s the only way to make those darkness disappear.

It still feels cowardly. Typing this instead of saying this. But saying this made it more real, realer than how much I can stand.

This shouldn’t be this hard, because you never felt the same about me. We were like mismatched lovers out of a cliche romantic movie. And I know that a few years from now I would tell my friends about you just to have a good laugh; or I’m not going to remember you at all. 

Right now I am just a ghost from your past, a past you’ve let go of. But there’s something I’m afraid you will never know. Something that would become a deep regret for me if I don’t tell you; I’m afraid you won’t know that you smelled like watermelon and summer, or that you had the prettiest smile when you scored a three point. And the worst of all, I’m afraid you will never know there was a girl who have liked you from the moment she met you three years ago.

And that girl probably still likes you.

So here it is, my dear someone. What I didn’t have the strength to tell you, I am telling you now.

 

When I first met you three years ago, I flipped. You can call it love at first sight. Something inside me had changed, some part of me became alive again when I had thought it was long gone. It was as if a tiny butterfly had landed on my nose. It flapped its beautiful wings and took off. And it had left me flustered. But that was when I realized I liked this feeling of liking you.

Because how could I not? There you were, laughing with your friends, talking about football. And I knew that I would never get the punch of the joke, nor would I ever be on your side and make you laugh like that. So I walked away, I didn’t want to be caught staring at you. 

Sometimes I mock myself for being that obsessed about you, you are you and nothing more. I keep telling myself that, hoping that would stop this horrible crush. Reality would never give you a miraculous love story, so what are you expecting Yanny? Happily-ever-after doesn't exist, I am old enough to know that. 

I laughed bitterly at my own dilemma, and walked away.

 

Opening ceremonies were always the same, same speeches, same teachers, perhaps a few new ones. I lost my interest after the second speech. I grew more restless by every second. But I couldn’t stand up. It felt like the speech had lasted a decade. I kept looking around, desperate for something that would interest me.

Andthat was when I saw you.

I didn’t recognize you immediately. You were sitting in a couple rows ahead of me. Your hair was tousled, guess that was why I found you. The sunshine that had leaked in through the window rested its light beside you. But I swore that tiny bit of glow that your hair gave off under the lights was so much brighter than sunshine. 

Looking back, I guessed that I had stared at the back of your head for a long time. Because I was only snapped out of this reverie by the roof-lifting sound of applause. I clapped, pretending that I have listened attentively through the whole speech. Then my eyes wandered back to you. 

You were looking back at me.

My heart stopped beating for a second. 

I drew in a sharp breath and looked quickly away; staring at a stereo in the corner and doing my best not to blush. 

You have brown eyes. 

Somehow I figured that out from this glance that had lasted for barely a second.

Maybe he’s just checking the time. 

I kept comforting myself, but it was doing nothing to stop my cheeks from getting warm.

And thus this blush continued on for three years.

 

When the teacher brought up the seating chart, I was surprised to find myself sitting behind you. I frowned. People never notice the person behind them. That person is just a ghost, someone you pass the papers to but never bothered to take a second look.

I let out a breath, isn’t this what I wanted? To be around you?

And so the not-so-romantic love story continued on.

 

But as time passed, I found a problem. 

You did turn around. 

But you were never doing it intentionally.

It was not your fault of course, but who allowed you to pick up my pen when I accidentally dropped it on the floor? Who allowed you to make a joke that had me laughing so hard that I had to fight to keep it down so that I don't reveal anything? And the frustrating thing was that I was not sure if I am mad at you or I am just mad at myself.

I exhaled, feeling the air in my lungs escaping me. 

This was what happens when you start liking someone. They can make you feel all sorts of things. Your emotions were as fickle as leaves in the wind. All the rights you had to controlling your emotions were robbed from you. Fairness was no longer in your dictionary.

Somehow I always knew, that one day you would be gone. And I would be left behind, grieving for something that “could have been”.

 

I walked with my friends on the way to the school bus. They were gossiping, as usual, though I didn't care enough to join today. They were talking about how you confessed your crush to another girl. They were giggling, of course.

But I just felt exhausted. 

My bag was heavy with books and I was suddenly so tired that I felt like I had practically sleepwalked onto the school bus. 

The air was warm, it was the beginning of summer…

Just what exactly are you expecting Yanny?

That voice again.

Someone painted some darkness onto my heart.

And for a long time I couldn’t get it erased.

 

Three years passed as quickly as a blink of an eye. I woke up to a cloudy morning, I got dressed and I waited a couple minutes for the school bus. 

The air was still warm, and it was spring. The whole world was recovering from the cold of December. Trees were shaking themselves and growing new branches and breeding new lives. Some tiny bits of green had started to appear on the lawn in front of the school. Somehow the winter cold had failed to frighten the grasses from growing again. They were hopeful, defying nature and yet natural in every possible way. I took a detour so I would not step on them.

I went for my seat in the front of the class. Already a few boys were laughing and talking and having fun among themselves. I started finishing a few questions left from my homework yesterday. They weren't difficult, I was just not in the mood. 

My homeroom teacher just entered the classroom.

Some students were late due to traffic, they hurried into their seats sheepishly.

A bird flew past the window and all I could see was a flash. 

I couldn’t capture it.

Then the bell rang.

And then I felt it.

I looked around at all those faces.

I felt it.

I stared at my desk, oblivious to what the teacher was saying.

Did you feel it?

It was subtle. Perhaps a change in the air. Perhaps the wind had blew from a different direction. But I felt it.

Something was off.

I tried to not feel it. I tried not to feel that void inside of me. But it was hollowing me out, like wind in a cave. It was cold and dank and it felt like winter.

I don’t want to acknowledge that void.

Why do people only start to cherish things after they’re gone?

Why didn’t I realize that this crush could have been so much more? 

And now I lost you.

 

People said you went to a different country, that you continued your journey elsewhere. 

I guess it does happen sometimes. Fate is a master of irony.

It played us like we were dolls hanged by strings.

It stretched its fingers, and this story happened.

 

Pieces of darkness gathered around me. 

They felt like a rescue.

I opened my heart and they went in.

But they smothered me.

I fought but you were not helping me.

 

When I hit send, I felt the rock that had been hanging in my heart for three years had finally dropped. 

I knew, from the moment I met you in that hall all those years ago. That this was going to go down in flames.

I looked down at my phone, now you were just a name to me. And I knew that this crush is now just a boring story to be told, or to be buried. The image of you would eventually fade in my memories.

 

But look.

It’s so dark outside.

And so quiet.

Are you somewhere out there, feeling this quiet too?

Across oceans, across time, can you still hear the way my heart jumped when I think of you?

If you can, then I have a few words that I want to say to you:

You were the something I look forward to when I woke up in the morning.

You were the someone I dress up for when I need to feel good about myself.

You made me feel alive, now more than ever.

This is my heart in front of you,

And those butterflies in my stomach still flutter at the sight of you.

 

 

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere a girl had a crush on a boy,

But somehow the boy left the girl,

And somewhere somehow part of the girl died a little bit.

But it the midst of all this darkness,

The girl is thankful because you need to lose before you learn how to love.


© Copyright 2017 Bay Mare. All rights reserved.

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