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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
Hilarious short short stories made to make your jaws tremble...

Submitted: September 27, 2016

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Submitted: September 27, 2016

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My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat ?circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have ?a better chance of dying from the ?anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, ?I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.

After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

“How old are you?” a tenant asked.

“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

From the police blotter, ?or, what a beat cop deals with ?every day:

• A deputy responded to a report ?of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. ?It was the mail carrier.

• A woman said her son was ?attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.

• A resident said someone had ?entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered ?his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.

• A man reported that a squirrel ?was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An ?officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.

We were tearing down an ?old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.

Six months later, she invited me ?to her home. There she showed ?off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, ?three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.

 

 

Have you ever been a victim ?of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:

• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”

• “The guy asked me to tell him ?a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”

• “I got asked about punctuality. ?I went on about how it was good ?to speak clearly and politely, and ?it was nice to use proper grammar ?in speech and writing.”

 

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.

 

When my three-year-old was told ?to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With ?a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”

 

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for ?our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”

My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”

The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”

 

My high school assignment ?was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served ?in the Philippines during the war, ?I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

 

My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she ?remarked, “An apple a day keeps ?the doctor away, right?”

“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”

 

My colleague has been living ?in this country only a few months, ?and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”

 

“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’?”

“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”

“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”

My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”

The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”

 

 

My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”

 


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