Andrew the gay establishmentarian

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
this is a wee monologue i guess, taking the piss out of the a gays that you might meet in london, edinburgh, or whatever.

Submitted: October 03, 2016

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Submitted: October 03, 2016



I'm only looking for other professionals like myself. No part-timers, no under two-thousand-pounders. Nope. I have a job at a pension fund (but that's all you need to know), where I have benefits like private health care and a generous pension. I'm not really looking for anybody lower than that. Sorry. I don't look after people. I'm not a straight guy and neither are you. 
It's not that I'm totally averse to workies. In fact, some of the best fucks I've had have been a lorry driver from Aberdeen and oh, that joiner from Glasgow. But that's beside the point. Sex isn't a relationship and I definitely don't want to introduce my friends to someone who says “glesgae” or “ken”. Imagine what my parents would think (if they even knew I was gay that is) of a guy that says “I cannae believe it. You huv a nice haem, Ken?”?
This is my ideal man (who, I must say, has very similar qualities to myself):

•He must wear nice clothes not even occasionally. Gucci shoes, Paul smith shirts, and at a push, Superdry on a lazy Sunday.
•He must go to the gym three, no four times a week, maybe play a sport. And no, I won't accept football as a viable sport. 
•He must be from cities like London or Edinburgh, at a push Manchester or Birmingham. I can't stand the provincials from Fife who've done good. 

But, alas, he's difficult to find. I must be looking in all the wrong places. But you know that I'd expect Him to frequent the same cocktail or wine bars as myself. And yes I have considered ‘the scene’ and no, I will not deign to go. 
It's just that I'm not a fan of other gays. Being gay doesn't define me, so why should I bother having gay friends? I don't even use Grindr (well, that's a lie. When I'm welling up with cum I need that nice skinny bottom boy to realise myself into). My one gay friend once recounted his time in a sauna and I just balked at the idea. Well, even though I have lingered outside of the steam works in new town on my way home. But that's beside the point. 
I try to use tinder. I find that better than Grindr. There's more chaps like me. Plus, you get to see which university they have been to and what Job they have. Saves the hassle of talking to the guy who works at Primark you just know he's going to be a non-entity. 
When I've met guys, I usually buy the drinks. Even though they're at my stature, I still want to show that I'm the man. I take them to my favourite cocktail bar on queens street, one of the best in Europe.

Topics of conversation must be:

•International politics. 
•Our jobs and ambitions within our field. 
•Our upcoming trips, such as mine to India. And don't ask if I'm going to stay in a hostel. You already know the answer. 

Topics to be avoided:

•The fact you've actually couch surfed in Paris and Madrid. 
•Your passion for punk rock.
•Your falling out with your friend.

They must not touch me in public. They must not even suggest a stroll around the city. And I do not kiss on the first date. The few times they've reached the second stage, they realise I'm a domtop. Yes, I will pin you down. Yes, I won't care if it sounds like you're in pain. Oh and I do love to spit in your face. I will make up for it by being an expert cuddler. And yes, you will lie your head on my arm. After all, I am ‘the man’. 
It's never reached the next stage. They've never met my friends. They've never had a nice glass of French wine in my new town flat. We've never even got to dinner at the witchery. 
Well I'll just keep looking. He'll be out there somewhere. Maybe at Kitchin. Maybe at the Sheraton gym. Perhaps at my next rugby club function. 
One day.

© Copyright 2018 Thomas Moreton. All rights reserved.

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