The Falling Out

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A tragic sequence of memories, love, friendship and family ties.

Submitted: October 06, 2016

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Submitted: October 06, 2016

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Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting me like this?

Why?

Gasping for air, the center of my chest felt tight and restricted.  It was hurting…everything was hurting. I was hurting.  I couldn’t stop crying, heat rising on my neck and wet cheeks trembling from the urgency to keep my mouth shut. The tears they wouldn’t stop coming down.  I felt small.  Everything was hovering over me, trapping me like a cage. But I need to keep this mouth shut. Don’t make a sound. Huddled in a ball and eyes shut I could smell urine from the toilet sitting next to me. My inner pain, I could feel my self-worth tearing and I could hear that inner voice screaming at me.  It was screaming the words that I have always told myself.  You are better than this! You do not deserve this!

Is it true?

Am I better than this?

Ears ringing all I could hear were his words.  All I could make out from that whole conversation was denial, selfishness, and insecurities. Don’t make a sound. My chest it felt so hot it was unbearable, my voice wanted to wail. Cry out the sorrows of a heart being torn.  You are better than this!

Am I?

 

“I’m sorry,” is what he said before I left him.

Can you actually forgive this?  It was his voice that asked me this.  I counted so diligently on this voice.  We knew each other for so long and he was the only one I wanted to talk to. The only person I knew would make this pain go away but he is gone now.I had let him go and he did the same. Our friendship was done a long time now and all that is left is haunting memories and empty promises.  Eyes hot and swollen I dared to open them, meeting the harsh light above me. Still hunched into a ball at the very corner of the bathroom the air reeked of stale chlorine. I felt empty and stiff.  Sliding my hands from my knees they met the cold tile floor.  Without any thought, I was up on my feet. 

“Will you forgive him?” I asked myself, staring at my reflection all I felt was disgust. The very sight of my reflection was alien to me like I was staring at a stranger. Her flawless face was tired. Her perfect eyeliner was smeared.  And her pale beige skin was red with hints of other different color tones.  The cool colors that shouldn’t have claimed her face, did.  She had the face that belonged to a person in pain.  She had a face that belonged to someone that wasn’t strong. Following the cool tones in her face and at the very center of her right cheek was a quarter sized bruise. This isn’t acceptablebut I love him.

That excuse has been used again and again.  And honestly, I felt disgusted by that damn shit of a phrase.  But I love him.

“How can you call this toxic relationship love?” I yelled at him.

I’ll never forget that moment when I shouted those words at him.  The whole time for so long I was trying the block out how I feel but now here I am overwhelmed with all of it.  So overwhelmed with school, with the changes at home and now this.  You are a stranger.  The stranger looked so frail to my eyes.  But there she was looking back at me, broken, eyes glassy just like his. I look pathetic just like him on that day at the park. It was raining. We were under a picnic shelter.

“Don’t you see that this whole situation you’re in is fucked?” I asked. 

“Look you wouldn’t understand,” he muttered under his breath.  His voice sounded irritated as he kept his eyes on the ground.

“All we want is for you is to do this the right way. This is not a healthy relationship for either of you,” remarked his younger brother as he glanced at me.

“Joel, listen to us, please! I love you Joel but I can’t stay with you like this if this is how it’s going to be,” I said more frantically. Just then he looked up.  There was a hint of emotion surfacing from his hazy eyes. He looked hurt for a second but just as it surfaced it vanished just as quick.  He nodded then silently looked at both his brother and me.

“I know what I’m doing isn’t the best choice but she said that they’re going to get a divorce soon,” he said in a flat tone.

“When?” I demanded, “When is this going to happen? From what you’ve been telling us she has had many lovers way before you. And don’t you remember when her husband came to see you! She always goes back to him after she is done cheating! How are you any different? Joe— “ my voice broke and I could feel the tears rising.  I was at my breaking point, “Joel you’re better than this.”

I felt so desperate.  I wanted to take him away and protect him from the heartbreak he was going to face on his own.  But with the desperation, I also could feel irritation and disgust.  Can I? Can I really stay friends with someone who is okay with being used this way?  What does that say about me? Does being friends with this type of person, no matter how much I care for them, justify what they are doing?

“Joel you deserve a woman who isn’t tied down and doesn’t have kids, it complicates things…” muttered his brother.

“I know Ezra.”

“Then why, “ I asked, “Why hold on? Why tie yourself to someone dysfunctional like that? She isn’t a free woman and you chose to be a part of that dysfunctional mess? For fuck sake, she isn’t even a good mother either from what I heard from Ezra,” I remarked feeling my anger overtake my empathy, “Not to mention her husband came and found both of you fucking in their bed. In their apartment like seriously where is the respect in that! And your stupid ass remark is that you found that twisted shit exciting! What kind of horseshit is that!”?  

“Look, Mother Teresa, I am not a saint like you. I am not some hard ass like you not even close to it,” his voice was ice cold and his stare was blazing,  “You are a strongly opinionated person but you were raised like that! You had a mother who gave no two shits about having someone else to complete her.  I was raised differently!  We can’t change the role models that were given to us!”

“Don’t you even dare try to put the blame on how you were fucking raised!” I yelled back at him, “You don’t see your brother giving that shitty stupid of an excuse!”

“My brother is a dumbass and was too young to understand what our mom went through! The shit she went through with that man we call a father.  Even now I don’t understand her logic when it comes to being with him.  Our mom is a fucking nut case to stay with him.  And my brother is too stupid to see them as the twisted nut cases that they are! I really don’t give a fuck about them or about him! I’m just as twisted, so fuck off princess and eat me!” -

 

SMACK—His face was dumbfounded. My anger was at its limits.  The noise in the air broke and the rain had come to a stop.  It was as if everything froze at that moment.  He was a little boy again and I was that girl at the park. It was where we first met: at a park.  Every memory I had of him since I was seven was there.  The hardships we went through.  The non-stop heartbreaks he had from each failed relationship he had.  The laughs we had cruising around in his car goofing around and singing at the top of our lungs.  The long conversations we had about life, our childhoods, our struggles and our dreams.  It was all there in the air between us.  And it all didn’t matter to me anymore.  At that very moment, he didn’t matter to me anymore. My ties with him broke the moment my hand met his face. I hated what he had become…

“Ezra is your brother and blood. You’re both stuck with each other.  He will see this whole fucked up scenario to the end and come and help you pick up your broken pieces.  He will always be there for you. But for me, I am so blessed with the fact that we’re not family. I will not sit on the sidelines and watch you fuck up your life!”  I yelled at his face as his shocked eyes met my angry gaze. I didn’t give him a time to respond as I turned away.  I was walking away.  Glimpsing at Ezra, he watched me intently as tears fell from his round face. He was a helpless bystander. He will be on the sidelines like always. Watching his loved ones fuck up their lives and too helpless to stop it. I had to look away. If I didn’t then I would feel again.  And if I feel I’ll turn back and try to comfort him.  Then I’ll be stuck and bound to their toxic life and the twisted mind I called a best friend. So instead I held onto the numbness I was feeling and walked away.

“Guess I’m not as strong as you thought,” I said to the mirror.

It’s been five years since I last spoke to either of them. I wanted to know if Ezra was okay but I was too much of a coward to call him up. Or even at most was too much of a coward to see his resentment towards me because I abandoned him to his brother.  I abandoned both of them.  I left my best friend, Joel, to his own devices.  It was his lesson to learn and now it’s your turn

“You didn’t know he was married,” I said to my reflection, “This situation is completely different.  And to add to this fucked up situation, that woman just came out of nowhere and attacked you with no time to explain your story. You didn’t know Scarlet…this situation is different.”

“Then why are you considering on taking him back? “ he asked.

 I knew that it was an illusion.  Just a fucked up ironic way when my voice of reasoning in my mind was Joel’s. Joel my best friend was asking that very question I once asked him.  Just then I laughed.  I laughed and laughed till my vision blurred out my reflection from the tears.  I couldn’t stop laughing. It was madness. It was twisted. And it was wrong. Am I just as twisted? Am I better than this? I know I deserve better! My mom didn’t raise a stupid girl! I’m not like them!

But… but I love him.

 

FUCK.


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