The love of my life

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  No Houses
read it, you will love it

Submitted: October 12, 2016

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Submitted: October 12, 2016

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Chapter one : Tsheko Nkwana and Kelebogile Phoshoko

 

Looking back in life now, I realize how lucky I was for certain events that happened in my life. My life has changed, I feel it right before I sleep, I feel it in my heart and I see it with my own eyes, much that once was is lost. A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preeminent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness, I fell in love and I lost the love of my life because of my own selfish acts, here’s my story and the beginning of a great relationship. This story happened a long time ago, as I am writing it down I have a smile on my face because of these nostalgic moments in it, good moments to be precise. Who would have thought that a simple “hello” text message would have a huge effect in one’s life in this century? Don’t worry this is one of those rhetorical questions, the answer is “no one” because believe it or not that’s how things began for me, that’s how my life changed for the better and that’s how I began to believe in love for the second time after a long time. What is love? I lost meaning in the word itself, I was consumed by hate and anger moulded into one huge ball; compressed and ready to explode and I was lost in darkness for a long time. I stopped believing in love for too long and I grew up thinking love was a weakness, it put you on a pedestal and drove you off a cliff, brought kings to their knees every now and then and it someone made smart people look stupid, that was my definition of love, that’s how I saw love and that’s how I learnt to replace hate in the place of love, people change once they know how to love and they must also bear the consequences of hate, that is equivalent exchange. Love makes you do things you were against and it makes you abandon some of your own principles along the way. When I was 14 years old my biggest fear came roaring in my life and taking whatever that was left in me; my mother passed away. She was probably the first person I loved so much at that time because she was everything to me. Every morning when I woke up for school she would wake me up, wash me up, dress me up and she had this amazing smile on her face every day when she looked in my eyes and did those things for me, she never complain and she was always willing to do that, perhaps she felt compelled to do so, because like any other mother who truly loves her children she was happy to have the privileges of watching her own child grow into a fine young man. Mothers are very caring creatures towards their offspring’s, they make every moment of your life exceptional, they are over protective, they sacrifice their own happiness for their children, they take pride in everything they do for their kids and they teach you a lot about life; my mother was a lot like that, she was an amazing person maybe even more amazing than I am. I remember the day when I was still in pre-school and we were to go out on a trip to the O.R Tambo international airport, we were to go there and learn more about aeroplanes and lives of pilots, not that it mattered then because I still can’t remember most of the things we were told there let alone remember how I got there and how came back home for the dinner at night, but it was a learning expenditure. We had barely enough money for the trip though because she didn’t make a lot of money at the time, but I went there and I enjoyed myself because she made sure her son would be there, my wardrobe was a mess, that much I knew but that didn’t matter to her, my clothes were not about to define who I was and where I couldn’t go if I was wearing them, she made things happen for me and she made sure I would go there with a smile on my face like the rest of the kids who had more than I did; basically I couldn’t miss that day at pre-school even if I wanted to. In the morning of that day she woke me up, same as every day, packed my bag and did all those beautiful things mothers do before they send their kids away to pre-school, she then kneeled down and fixed up my shirt and looked me in the eyes with a huge smile on my face then she kissed my forehead and told me it was time to go, thinking about it now that moment was one of the best in my life, but I didn’t know what was going on so I didn’t think much of it then, but that kiss on the forehead, it says a lot about a person and it also symbolises a lot of thing about that person, and that smile she had, it was there to make me see that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you and I would go to any lengths to make sure you have a better life than I did, waking up to that every morning is a beautiful thing, it brings joy to your life and it gives you a reason to wake up and do it over and over again. As I am writing this down I am laughing, but one of those rare three seconds laughs, remember when I wrote “my wardrobe was a mess”? Well it was and that’s kind of why I was laughing because “mess” doesn’t even begin to describe how horrible I dressed up. I was wearing one of those huge oversized blue jeans that looked like they can fit two of more people in them at the same time, I was wearing this long belt that rotated twice on my waist(even today I still think it belonged to one of my uncle’s), but my mother was quick to notice that it rotated twice so she cut it off so it would fit me and rotate once, I was a bit of a sneakers fan even then and I was wearing them then, they were white sneakers, my first pair and I loved them so much that at times I would not tie my laces because I felt like they looked cool when my laces were not tied ( or maybe I couldn’t tie my shoe laces then), but one shoe lace was tied by my mother before I left home and one shoe lace I untied when I was aboard an aeroplane and last but not least I was wearing a small sized T-shirt that wasn’t even mine, it belonged to one of my cousins and his mother was kind enough to let me borrow it for the day even though it didn’t fit me that much, it seemed somehow that it was about to fall off my body any time soon. The bottom line is, it didn’t matter how I looked, the only thing that was important then was going to that trip and that made her happy. I was nervous though, my hair didn’t do much to help because it looked pretty stupid, Honestly I looked ridiculous and the worst part about that trip was that the pre-school teachers somehow managed to convince Andrew; a professional photographer who was good at it at that time to come along with us at the airport and take pictures of every last one of us who went there for the trip and he executed his role perfectly, he took those hideous moments to remind us later on in life of how far we have come, sadly he took it upon himself to take a picture of myself right when I was just about to exit the plane, I am talking about a full blown picture, no edits and everything I was wearing is there for the taking to prove the story is indeed true, there were no selfie moments then. You could see from the picture of how shuttled I was, I was so nervous because that was my first trip and that was the first time in my life I realized how much my mother loved me. Yes that was my mother for you, if I were to keep writing about her I would write a complete book with a 18 pages summarized version because that’s how long the story would take, She passed away when I was in my 8th grade and that’s when things started to change for me. I abalienated myself from people, I isolated myself from those who called themselves my friends and I stopped loving people at that point, the day news came to me of her passing I was simple crushed down, I was no longer the same person and each and every day of my life from then has never been easy for me. I cried tears of blood every day and night for seven full days, in those days I would wake up every morning hoping it was a dream but it was not, it was hard to breathe every time I thought about her, it was hard getting past her and it was heart breaking that there was absolutely nothing I would do about it because it looked to me that there was no getting pass that phase, I was in hell and I was alone. Each and every time I would wish she was there with me and with that wish tears came down at me, those were of sorrow, those were of bitterness, those were of anger building up inside and there was no end to it. I would find myself crying for hours on end and the only way for me to sleep was only if I cried long enough to get a headache, and at that moment I couldn’t shed any tears any more instead I fell asleep like a baby, then wake up later on to realize it wasn’t a dream; it was happening. I thought a lot about the times we had together, I thought about the things she did for me but as those beautiful thoughts came to me, I thought more of being by her side, then it hit me; perhaps taking my own life would be a better option of escaping this endless loop, I felt like I was caught in izanami genjutsu loop, endlessly repeating itself time and time again and the only way to escape it is if and only if I find myself again. The death of someone important is hard to deal with, if I were to live I would have to cut all ties with people around it, not getting close to someone would only mean not getting hurt by someone, I didn’t want to feel that kind of pain anymore, I was too young to feel how it felt to lose her and I was too inexperienced in life, and so I decided not to take my own life, hell no one knew that I was even considering taking my life then because I never told anyone, but if I were to live I would take away all the ill feelings of love; a weakness that thrives on each and every one of us; the kind of weakness that makes us fight over each other and makes us forget who we are, I wanted to bury the hatched of loving anyone and living life without pain in it, the only goal I had in mind was being successful and helping those who couldn’t help themselves, my dream was to eliminate all those who stand in my way, to forge forward and not only become a man of success but a man who has value, I wanted to make a world a better place and the only way to do that in this God forsaken world is through having money and a lot of it to help where ever I can; charity cases, homeless people, starvation, you know them and the only way I can do that was through education and so I decided to endure, for the sake of myself and people I intend to help and touch their lives I have to endure, and I took my chances with life. I remembered a moment of my life when my mother came to my school just to take a picture with me, it was one of those days where parents were invited to school to take pictures with exceptional students who did great at school, I was one of those students and I received a certificate for being one of a few students who were doing great at school. It was one of the most exciting moments of my entire life because she was there with me and she never complained; she was always there for me even if it meant sacrificing her own dreams for me. There were times in life when someone would choose to forget a right path even if they can actually see it right before their eyes, my mother had a way of breaking that curse if ever I was losing sight of my right path; yes she would give me a nice long hiding, not that I enjoyed it though because she was terrifying when provoked,  she put me in line then even though I didn’t understand why she would go to such heights for me, and I could see that it hurt her more than it did me. Those memories came at me every day and they drove me to the kind of person I am today and I didn’t realize how much she meant to me until she passed away. Those were the darkest times of my life, I lost a lot of people in my life then most of which shared an even deeper bond with me, it all began with the passing of my uncle, then the passing of my younger brother from mothers side of the family then finally the passing of my mother, the most excruciating pain anyone would have to face; I would never wish that upon anyone, everyone has a breaking point, it depends on which buttons to push in order to get a reaction. My name is Tsheko Nkwana and what I am about to write now are true events which happened in my life and some of which had a greater impact than I would have thought; this is my road to finding love once more. Social media are the biggest and most effective way of communicating right now in our society, I fell victim to social media in 2009, at that time I was using a Motorola v220 which I got from my uncle, back then we had this thing called java on those phones that enabled us to add social media applications like Mxit, 2go and others. As years passed the social media platform improved into much better apps like instagram, Facebook, snap chat, twitter and more and their main aim is to help people meet each other in an electronic way; we connect even though we live far from each other. In 2011 I met but not literally, it was however figuratively, I met her though her cousin whom I was dating; she gave me her social media details and from that day on things were looking pretty hip for me. She was a very childish person who spoke her mind freely and she had a great sense of humour, in the beginning of our union we clicked, we got along and to me it seemed as though she was a person who was missing in my life at the time, she made me curious about herself, she made me want to know more about her and she drove me crazy to such a point that I even wondered if she had a key, and at that time I was still with her cousin and she was dating some guy whom she would always text me that she loved but it didn’t matter because she was a part of my life. We spent hours chatting about our lives and how lucky we were that we crossed paths, I felt happy that she came into my life. She was one of those people who replied quickly to a message (I was hoping that she took longer to reply on her boyfriend than she did to me lol) and she kind of made me do the same when I was chatting with her, and so I adopted her ways of doing things, most of you people know the feeling you get when someone replies to your messages first and ignores everyone else, that’s what she used to do when we were chatting and I just stopped texting my other friends when she was online, I would just ignore them and text only her and wait for her to reply, my other friends would get angry at me whenever I did this to them, they would feel like I am neglecting them (which I did) and soon I deleted them just so I could chat with her alone. My girlfriend didn’t mind in fact we she wasn’t even aware that I was chatting so much more with her cousin than I did with her, but we talked; at that time Vodacom power hour was just introduced to the world, but then it only applied from 00h01 until 05h00, that was the only time you would make a call for an hour without paying any more than R12 for seven full days. Every day to me was an opportunity to learn more about this beautiful creature whom I have never met before in my entire life, I grew closer to her, I was getting more and more into her maybe even more than I shouldn’t have and before I knew it I was addicted to her like a drug. We became so close to each other that we would find comfort in each other whenever our real lives problems caught up with each of us, we were enjoying the company of each other that it felt like we were both waiting for each other’s replies whenever life was hitting us hard, she was more important to me than 60 other friends I deleted on my account. I felt so close to someone I have never met before in my life (it seems pretty stupid but it’s not) and to me that was more than enough. A year later I broke up with my girlfriend (her cousin) and with that break up I wanted nothing more to do with relationships, I wanted nothing more to do with anyone related to my ex so I had to shut her out, my ex-girlfriend told me that I love her cousin more than I did her and with saying so we had to break up and we did break up but the reason for the break up at this point is not worth specifying(you don’t want to know why we broke up trust me). How can someone get so close to someone you have never before met? Well you are about to find out because the story doesn’t end here, I don’t even think that it has actually reached its peak yet, I am very sure that at this point you are pretty much feeling sorry for me, but don’t; save that feeling for later because I am not as holy as you think, in fact I think you might hate me (lol even though I am the hero in this story). Where was i? Oh yes now I remember I was writing about the girl I grew fond to but never met. In a virtual world she felt like a long lost family relative who understood me a lot more than most of my family members, she lived very far from me but I can assure you, whenever I held my phone to my hand she felt so close to me. To me she was a perfect being, a once in a million years kind of person who deserved a lot more than I could offer her, I felt below her standards and at certain times I felt like she was only replying to my messages out of boredom. As time progressed I realized that I was falling for her, I was beginning to have this strong affection for her and that for me, wasn’t a good thing because I was afraid to love her, I was afraid to lose her and I was afraid I might never come across anyone like her in my entire life, I had this strong obsession for her and I couldn’t contain it anymore, she was like a perfect half of myself I lost a long time ago because she completed me in a way that no one has ever done to me. We talked about everything and that includes everything that was going on in my life, I didn’t leave a detail out and I didn’t even notice I was falling for her along the way; I became open to a complete stranger in a matter of months, a stranger I have never met before, who does that? She knew most of my secrets and she kept to herself and she told me most of her secrets which I kept to myself (you will not be reading them here mate, sorry I can’t reveal that much to you) in the end we both decided to be good friends, who hid nothing from each other. The sad part about us is that she was already in love with a person who was afraid to love – me, she was into me so much that even I didn’t know how to react towards her feelings for me, she told me several times that she loves me and she wants to have a future with me in it but “how can you love someone you have never met before?”, I asked myself that question several times and I was unable to come with an answer because I couldn’t understand how someone like her would come to love someone like me, a bitter, sore loser who was afraid to love anyone because of the kind of pain he experienced in the past. But she loved me and I believed her love for me, she texted me every day, she called me whenever she had money to make a call and she was always there for me , but I didn’t see things the way she did, I was out of place and I didn’t want to ruin a good thing we had because of love, what we had was beyond love, it was something you could never put in words and it was a great feeling which made me wake up every day thinking of how she meant to me, I was just too afraid to admit it, because I was afraid of losing her as a friend. In the end I told her we can never be more than friends, we cannot be together and with that I gave her petty reasons that made no sense and some of which were lies to protect myself from getting hurt and going through the same trauma I went through when I was still 14 years old, but she believed my lies and stupid reasoning, and like an understanding person she pushed the matter no more, she accepted things as they were and behaved like she always did, this carried on for months on end until it hit me inside “ the feeling was real”, I realized that she was the most important person in my life who I have never met but it felt like we’ve known each other for a long time now, it felt like I was postponing the inevitable. I saw that her love for me was a weakness and as time progressed I realized that her weakness was rubbing off on me. I didn’t want to end up like her, meaning I didn’t want to show her that I was gradually developing loving feelings for her, I preferred things to remain as they were but things seemed like they were taking another direction, love was burning through my eyes. For all those past years I have been suppressing this burning sensation, these feelings I had for her and years had finally caught up to me and those feelings and I couldn’t keep them inside anymore, they were spurring out of control like the autumn leafs falling off a tree. I couldn’t deny how I felt about her any more but on the other hand I didn’t want her to know how I felt about her. I was afraid of losing her because of my feelings for her, but at that moment I couldn’t bring myself to hurting her with more lies and reasons because I loved her so much that my heart wouldn’t let me lie. If I lied anymore she would hate me I had to tell her how I felt about her; the full truth; and I did tell her how I truly felt but her reply was vivid, she only reminded me that her feelings for me will never change, the same confession she made months ago is still the same, she was still in love with me even after all that time. She was happy that finally I confessed how much she meant to me, at one point I remember hearing her voice telling me “finally you confronted your demons”. We were growing closer to each other and every day was an opportunity for both of us to express how deeply we loved each other. It was a gift to hear from her. Our love was stronger than that of a couple that had been married to each other for years, which have been seeing each other every day of their lives. Love is a very powerful thing, It doesn’t need people to see each other every day, its very existence made me what I am, love is not about vows, love simply exists where its necessary, it comes where there is no hope at all and it doesn’t knock, it kicks the door down and sit wherever it wants to sit; love lived here. We both decided it was time we met each other, it was time we actually saw what we got ourselves into and it was time we saw what it was we actually loved. We set a date for our first meeting; we were both looking forward to seeing each other each time we grew closer to our meeting day we would tell each other how excited we were. The night before we met we were chatting through social media, and I remember she sent me a text that read thus “no matter how you look my feelings for you will never change”, I was astonished because I couldn’t understand how sure she was, was her feelings for me clouding her judgement? I wondered as tears came pouring down my cheeks as I read her text twice; sure we shared pictures of ourselves but pictures are far more different than the real thing, and like any other normal guy, I felt it was too good to be true because I was afraid I might not meet her expectations or I might not be “that” appealing to her. I was afraid that things might change as soon as she sees my face, but I never told her that because if I did tell her and it turned out she didn’t like what she saw, then she would feel sorry for me and she would be with me because she is feeling sorry for me and not because she loved what she saw. At mid night we were still chatting about what we will do when we see each other; its true what they say “some people can easily say their mind when they are far from you” I remember texting her that when I see her I will give her one of those most longest kisses we see on television romantic shows and I also remember writing “I will do crazy things to you”, those were my words put bluntly. Even those I seemed like a fool for replying like that she didn’t let it get to her, she was keen on seeing me and her responds were those of a mature female. The conversation then shifted to “what would you do if I was there with you now?”; my respond to that question was pretty vague and stupid, the only thing I had in mind then was taking off her clothes and kissing her, but she was open minded, she laughed it off, I then asked her to answer that question for me and she wrote many things to me and most of which were good things she wanted us to do together but what really got my attention even more was a statement she wrote,  I felt very lucky when she wrote “ I just want to wrap my hands around me so she could feel safe”. I was very happy and at that moment I knew that this person will have a huge impact in my life, I felt like she was made for me, specifically for me and no one else because she had a way with words that even I could not imagine. We then decided to cut the conversation short that night and we decided we should sleep because we were about to meet hours from then. I took my phone and set an alarm, we both then wrote our good morning texts and we went offline. I tried to close my eyes so I could sleep but I couldn’t, my mind wouldn’t let me sleep and lips couldn’t stop smiling, I was fazed with so many questions every time I closed my eyes. How will she react when she sees me? How does she look? Will she accept me? And more questions. These questions came gunning at me and they left me sleepless for an hour and a half, until I finally passed out. In the morning I woke up before the alarm could even wake me up, I sat on my bed like I just saw a ghost, the day was finally here, the day I would meet her and probably one of the best days of my life. I logged into my social media account and found her online, it seemed like we both had the same idea and she had also waken up, we discussed the meeting arrangements but we never discussed how we would see each other, how we would know each other; we both decided to meet without even knowing how we will know, because we both felt it would be rude to ask. I took a long morning bath, put my good clothes on and caught a taxi to see her, I reached my destination and came off that taxi, the taxi driver was one of those people who enjoyed playing music out loudly, he was so fixated with the volume being high that even when you were a passenger and you received a call he wouldn’t bother reducing the volume. I finally reached our meeting point and she was not there, I looked around to see if she was close by but still I couldn’t see her, the funny part was that I couldn’t ask anyone to help me find her because even I didn’t know who I was looking for. I then took it upon myself to tell her I was there and I was waiting for her, so I called her and asked her where she was, she answered and told me to wait because she was on her way to where I was, then she hung up the phone. I sat there for about ten minutes waiting for someone I have never met before to come and the only way for me to identify her is through pictures. I kept looking at my phone for her messages or at least a missed call, but there was nothing, I logged into my social media account to see if she was online but she was offline. I was getting more and more nervous and each minute that passed made me think that perhaps she changed her mind about meeting me, twenty minutes passed and still no word from her. I decided to leave and go back home because it seemed to me like she was never even planning to see me that day; as I stood up from this huge rock I was sitting on I got a call from her, I wasn’t excited anymore about our meeting because I had been waiting for too long, but she never gave me any chance to say much, she only said “I am boarding off a taxi, please come to me”. I looked around hoping to identify her but I didn’t see her at all, I checked at the taxis nearby and I didn’t see her, I then looked for taxis coming from the Morula sun direction and I saw a few of them, I then approached the spot where they were taking people off, as I got closer most of the taxis were already leaving. There was only one taxi left and I looked carefully to see if I can spot her from that taxi but she was not there, I looked inside that last taxi as it went away and she was not in it, I thought maybe she was playing games with me and decided not to come and meet me. Just when I thought of going home I saw her, she was right there waiting for me, it seemed like she came off on one of the taxis that left before the last one and I couldn’t see her from where I was standing because of my point of view, as I approached her I saw this amazing expression on her face, telling me that she knows who I am, I got closer and closer and closer and as I went closer to her I saw her smile, for the first time in my life I saw a smile of the most beautiful woman I had ever met in my entire life, the woman whom even today I still feel she is my soul mate, the love of my life “ Kelebogile Phoshoko”.


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