Dream or Reality

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
When a heartbreak takes more than we bargain

Submitted: October 13, 2016

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Submitted: October 13, 2016

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Dream or Reality

 

December 24, 2011, winter evening, it’s 9 p.m., I wake up screaming her name “MYRA.” 5 months ago I saw her dreamy face turn dark and unrecognizable as she screamed at me breaking my heart. I dreamt about her, unsure what it means or how to feel about it. We suffered from each other’s ways and we have a lot of bad sour memories, but last night, a dream filled with happy memories I had of her. I miss her, but how, if I can’t even have her. She mistreated me, abused me both mentally and physically. Yet, I can’t fight this urge that makes me want to text her, call her, just to contact her to hear her voice… Tears climbed down my face as I sat on my bed thinking, thinking about a person who made me suffer and made me cry. I miss her, I can’t take her out of my mind, her smile, her eyes, the way she giggled when I kissed her neck. Everything just seems so unreal, so upsetting and I just want to run to her, hug her and tell her how much I miss her but I can’t, she’s married and belongs to someone else not me. Sadness unveils itself in front of me and covers me with heartache and depression.

“I can’t miss her!” I said to myself as I wiped the tears off my face. “I dreamt about her and we were happy” I thought in my head. “Maybe she thinks about me, dreams about me, maybe she’s not happy with her marriage and wants me back” this circles my head over and over again until tears flows down my face again. “How can I do this to myself, how can I keep thinking about her, how can I stop?” “I can’t!?, I need to speak to her!” I quickly find my cell phone and dial her number, to my surprise, her number is still saved as “my love.” I call her, my heart beats fast, hands become sweaty, mouth becomes dry, stomach becomes tingly. She answers, her voice makes my heart skip a beat, her soothing beautiful tone relaxes me. I gathered my strength and managed to tell her I miss her but her nonchalant voice, tells me she’s happy with her new life and she does not want to hear from me ever. I break down to her, like a child crying for the mother’s touch to be cradled to sleep. I tell her I don’t want her back, I just want her to know I miss her and I hope she’s happy. I tell her I am sorry for the way I treated her at times and I was sorry for making her cry. Silence makes its presence known like the sun does during a weeklong storm, strong and full with energy. I know she’s still on the line, I can hear her breathing, silence continues then she speaks and says okay and hangs up my call. “She doesn’t care, she doesn’t care I am crying, I am at my weakest point in my life and all she says is okay?” The person I dreamt last night was not the person who was on the other end of the line just now.

How can someone be so cold? I miss her but not her, not the one I was speaking with but the one in my dreams. The Myra in my dreams was happy with me, hugging me kissing me, holding my hand, telling me how much she loves me and how I am her world. The Myra I spoke with wouldn’t even give me the day or time and that breaks my heart.

 

I lay back down and tried to organize my thoughts but I can’t. All I can think is how I wish I can dream of her again, how bad I want the feeling of being happy, the love, the silliness, the laughter’s. Then it became apparent, maybe that’s what I have to do, close my eyes and always dream because maybe just maybe my happiness is not on this world but on the world we all go to when we fall asleep. That world is so much easier, at ease and just filled with happiness, at least for me it is.

I sit back on my bed, I look around in my empty, dark, lonely room and noticed I have nothing in this room. Nothing that will miss me, notice me gone, notice I am no longer here. I open my safe, grabbed my gun and sit on my bed. I point the gun at my head and place the ice cold barrel against my right temple. I start thinking about my dream, about how nice it will be to be able to hold her and love her forever. I start to pull the trigger slowly as I think to myself “I’m going to see her  face, her hair, her eyes and smell her body scent.” in order for me to stop crying. I bet she will kiss me as soon as I see her. I hope she does, I hope she hugs me tight and tells me not to leave her. I want her, I need her to be happy.

 

“Ah how much I miss her” was my last thought, the gun clicked and pushed my head away from it, my head, my body went numb, the gun fell on my floor full of blood. My body fell backwards as I gasped for air and sight became blurry. I could hear airplane pass by my house, cars pass by my street, leafs moving with the wind but slowly the noise fade away and darkness filled my eyes and everything became silent.

 

I wake up and when I opened my eyes, the smell of ocean and sand filled my lungs. I sit up and there she is, with a huge beautiful smile. She asks if I am okay, I tell her everything is okay now. She hugged me and kissed me. She tells me I was asleep for a long time but that made me think, what is really reality and what’s a dream? Maybe I was just dreaming all this time, having a nightmare where in my dream I lost her? Questions start to fill my brain but before I can start analyzing them, She tells me as she lies on the sand, she’s happy with me, that she does not need anyone else but me to be happy. I stand up as she did and I hugged her. I looked down at her while she hugged me and I tell her I love her. I tell her I need her and I want her forever.  She smiles and says she’s happy I feel this way. I kiss her face, eyes, cheeks, lips, forehead and she giggles. This is what I was missing, I am happy now, reality or not, this is where I belong and I am happy.

 

 

We hold hands as the sun sets over the horizon and the waves pounds on the shoreline. I hug her as she shivers and smiles up at me, saying thank you. I miss the sun set as I am lost in her smile and beautiful eyes.

 

 

The End


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