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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic




I never thought I would feel these things again.




I never thought I would be here again.




I never thought I would be like this again.

I was always afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid to give myself to someone and let them in and show them everything I am. That I'm still broken. That I'm still searching for the one who will support me as I change myself. Most people think that its not necessary. You need to change yourself by yourself. You need to change yourself for yourself. I can't do that. I tried and I couldn't.

I'm always going to be alone. Everyone says that that is nothing to be afraid of because eventually everyone dies and when you die, you die alone. I hate being alone because I hate myself. Then they say, "how can you love someone when you don't even love yourself?" I love him. I love him very much. And every day that passes without him, I hate myself even more for ruining what we had.

I'll be sad for a long time again. It will feel like forever even though I have the experience now to know that it's not going to be forever. It's still sad. I found someone and I tried so hard to be the person that I needed to be in order to stay with him. I thought we would be so happy together. Then I ruined it and now I'm not the only one whose sad about it.

I never thought I would feel these things again.

It's dark again. The lights are on but they seem dimmer than usual. They've lost their shine, just like I've lost his. He illuminated my life and I felt like I was glowing every time I was with him. He made everything brighter in my life. He changed my perspective on a lot of things. Now that he's gone, everything is dark again.

I'm a lot colder at night without him next to me. He was always so warm. His chest was my favorite place to rest on lazy weekend afternoons. His hands were warm when they intertwined with mine. I thought that we would spend the winter together, but, unfortunately, it'll be another winter I spend cold and alone.

I feel so empty. I feel like I can't do anything without him and its completely my fault. Everything we had together, that's gone now. Nothing but memories until they run out and leave me too. it's a little funny. He used to say that he looks at the glass as half full. Slowly but surely, I thought it was too. Now it's completely empty.

I never thought I would be here again.

I'm so lost without him. I don't know what to do myself. I can barely cry anymore. I've run out of tears and its a dry pain. I'm just going through the motions again with nothing to look forward to but the end of the day where I can reuturn to my room where its quiet and the only thing in my life that remained the same after he left. 

I'm so confused. Why did I let this happen? Why couldn't I change? Why wasn't our love enough to help me and inspire me to be better and patient? Why couldn't I wait like he wanted me to? Why did I do that? Why did I make it impossible to forgive me and return to the normal days we were supposed to have?

I'm hurting. And not just me. He is too. I hurt him so much and I hurt myself by hurting him. He was so kind, so sweet, so perfect. How could I have hurt him the way I did? At least he's better at coping with the pain than I am. But I don't want to cope. Not without him. I miss him. I need him. It hurts so much to be this way again and know full well that everything, every single thing, is because of me.

I never thought I would be like this again.

I miss you. I love you, and I don't have the right to either of those things. I can't hope for anything. I destroyed us. I ruined it and nothing will ever be fixed between us. All the words that we never said will remain unsaid. All the things we were going to do together, will remain not done. All the memories we have will fade away and then I'll have nothing again. Just more broken pieces to sweep up and hide away.

Submitted: October 14, 2016

© Copyright 2021 Minami Tsubaki. All rights reserved.

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