This is my social anxiety story

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Otakus Unite!
I don’t often write about my past, so don’t make me regret posting this!

Submitted: October 18, 2016

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Submitted: October 18, 2016

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This is my social anxiety story

By: PikalekThePikaPikachu (formerly magicmike78) on Booksie.com

I don’t often write about my past, so don’t make me regret posting this!

Last Edited: 2/1/2017

 
 

Let’s start way back, all the way back to 2011. This was all the way back in my freshman year of highschool, and a lot of this stuff I’ll say has always been an issue till now; Even though I’ve gotten far better than before. So, let’s begin now…

 

This young blonde guy with new glasses enters his first year of highschool, and he only had been with the current school system for 4 years. All these fresh new faces are my new classmates, and plenty of older faces. Coming out of middle school, I didn’t have many friends. Infact, I lost alot of friends in middle school due to various behaviors. Some friendships ended because some people lost sight of who was there for them, and it eventually turned one sided. Some friendships ended when I discovered how badly people treated. A few ended because of misunderstanding, and my pride was too strong to admit faults.

 

Talking in school hallways was either hit or miss with me. Unless I was standing near the lockers, I was to uncomfortable to speak with anyone, and giving quick greetings was a pain. So many classes I went to without speaking a word to anybody, and only the teacher ever heard me. At lunch I sat at a table with a few people who I had once played football with long ago. These people really were not my friends at all, and in fact they knew little about me; However, they didn’t mind me sitting near them listening with very very little feedback. In my later years, school lunch periods separated the once small group of people I sat with, and some cases I had to sit at a table with nobody. Strangers always took the remaining chairs, and I always had the last chair at a huge round table of wood. On an occasion the loneliness at the table was to embarrassing that I had to sneak into the library.

 

Growing up several people bullied me. They might have not liked me because I avoided them, but they wouldn’t know the reason why I did it tho. A Lot of people certainly didn’t like me because my face was emotionless, and they thought I was rude. I was overly quiet, and people felt like they could get away with saying any kind of bad stuff to me; Eventually some of them got chewed out by my parents. Rarely did people ever come up to me, and start a conversation. People in high school either acknowledged me for my contributions to the football team as a wide receiver, or they disliked me and my reserved nature. A handful of people spread around rumors that I was gay, but every year I always sent some girl a beautiful homecoming card and flowers; I won’t go into detail about homecoming sorry.

 

Let me explain to you what was going on inside mentally, emotionally, and a few other things. Something deep down inside me always assumed people would negatively judge me for something, and that belief prevented me from making any kind of new friends. My face often was often emotionless because I was battling ADD, depression, and something un-identified till later. I was a awfully skinny person, and I was afraid of getting beat up by bigger guys in highschool. Somedays I was terribly irritable because of my loneliness, and people judged my first impressions pretty quickly. For some reason when people looked upon my face, my heart raced. Something about looking at people directly made my stomach cringe awfully. My conversational skills were terrible, and I didn’t know how to sustain a conversation. Heck, I never learned what laughter meant to me people till I was out of school. Due to those two things, starting conversations with new people was scary and sweat worthy.

 

Looking far back on my highschool times, I was stressed quite a lot. My depression consumed me badly, and it often made me skip class. The never ending ADD made learning, memorization, and attention too difficult with each grade getting harder. Despite both of those things, I never really gave much thought about why I acted the way I did around other people. To this day it baffles me why I never figured out why I was so strange back then. Eventually after highschool I developed an interest in anime, and before then video games were my calling card. This one anime in particular called “Watamote” made my eyes open heavy. This anime show was weird to me, and the main character was “Tomoko Kuroki”. At first I laughed at this main character for acting so absurd, but every episode reflected something that I battled with in highschool. Yeah, I was to stubborn right away to admit my similarities with Tomoko. That main character scared me with how much in common our behaviors we’re, and I developed huge sympathy. Eventually, anything strange she did made me feel guilty for even considering laughing. Often times it felt like watching her was like a reflection of my high school self. After half way into the Watamote series, it hit me. I too have social anxiety, and it was remarkably severe in high school; It’s still bad, but it’s no where compared to where it was back then. It’s a uppercut punch into the gut for how unaware I was, and a simple anime show was all I needed to understand the larger issue or picture.

 

Now today I learn how to be confident, and how to be myself. Each day get’s me slightly closer to being a great conversationalist. However, I don’t regret having bad social anxiety growing up tho; Without it I wouldn’t be half as brilliant as I am today. Who knows, maybe in the future I’ll overcome my social anxiety and problems to become an extrovert. Until then….

 

Michael

 

PS: You should give Anime and manga a chance ;)


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