Right Now

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I wrote this in just an hour, it was meant for one of my teachers but it never got to them... So, here it is.

Submitted: October 20, 2016

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Submitted: October 20, 2016

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Right now, is one of the many times that I'm not my usual happy self. I guess to start, as weird as this is even when typing. I like other guys. Girls don't interest me... And I know for a fact that the source of my self diagnosed depression is this massive crush on this guy on my soccer team, or at least this year it is. It's because of that that I often zone out and start daydreaming in class. That has caused lack of attention and a lack of care. This has lead to late assignments, lack of organization, and therefore lower grades... And because of failing, I fall even deeper into depression... But it also influences my personal life. I have a lack of care for hygiene, for family and friends... This results in isolation, now I love being alone, I hate being lonely. The feeling of loneliness has not only worsened my anxiety, but it develops a strong self conscious that essentially makes me feel terrible about every aspect about myself; I hate the way I look, I hate myself for not working hard, etc. I also can't stand to be around the guys here at this school. I... I made the mistake of coming out to three people in Secondary One. That badly screwed up my life... I was almost expelled or something because I had a crush on one of the three guys who... I don't want to talk about that... But had I not played it the way I did, I wouldn't be at this school. The thought of that hurts. It does. For the Dominican Experience, they didn't want to put me with other guys from my grade because I was gay. Discrimination at its best... But I guess they were right... I developed another liking to one of my two roommates who generously took me in with full knowledge of who I was... It was nice of them... But I can't help but feel like they did it out of pity... Now whenever I see the roommate that I like... My heart starts to literally hurt... Almost everything exciting I do, I get upset afterwards because I always regret not having a significant other there to enjoy it with me... My life is filled with regret, sadness, anxiety, lack of other love (non-family love), and many more. What hurts the most, is that I must pretend I'm fine every bloody day because I truly believe that people if they saw me constantly upset, they would literally try to get away from me. See, I believe in energy transferring, this is essentially the belief that a mood can radiate from one person and influence another person's mood and emotions. However, my sadness can repel and infect those with the positive vibes. If I talk to them. People prefer to be happy, and even though they've done NOTHING fir me, and even in my current state, I know the protector side of me is in my nature and I am therefore ready to lay my life down to protect these guys... For example, if there was a shooter in the school, while everyone was hiding against the wall, I'd start making a shield from the desks. If an hour or so has passed, I'd go on the hunt and hunt these shooters down. No matter the cost to myself. I'm crazy like that... But that's just me... A protector to others no matter the cost to myself. It's also the fact that others don't give me appreciation for what I do for them that sinks me further into depression. I know that to start recovering, I need to tackle to source problem. But I'm scared to do it. After all, all it's going to do is cause discomfort to the guy and me losing a friend... But then again... Can I call anyone a friend? No one, and I mean NO ONE contacts me first, NO ONE invites me to anything... NO ONE CARES! It's always ME who needs to start the discussion, it's always ME who needs to invite other people to do things... You know... I used to believe in God, until He left me with all this. He essentially punched me in the face and gave me the title of protector... Every day I ask Him why? Why me God? But never is there a response, a sign or likewise... There are even some days when I ask myself, is being gay wrong? Should I try to suppress these feelings for other guys and force myself to go for girls? No. That’s my answer... I shouldn't because it's who I am, and I shouldn't have to fake who I am... The only good thing God has done for, was give me a very hard armour and a VERY powerful mind... While Depression and Anxiety, the two monsters that try to hurt me have a hard time getting past the armour, but they're always there constantly, picking away at my armour as it slowly falls off, and they are winning. My brain power can only do so much, it protects me from dark, dark thoughts and self harm, I'd never have the guts to do it anyways... My brain power also protects me from other people, sometimes. Sometimes, at the end of each school day, I find myself void of energy from fighting for my sanity all the time. Sometimes... Sometimes I feel like I was a mistake... My mom had a miscarriage before me... That miscarriage would have been born and she would have been perfect... Good looking, good grades, etc. But for some unexplainable reason, she was not born and I was... Hard to think that if she had been born, I wouldn't have been... I've gone on long enough... I could keep writing all day if I wanted to... But life likes having many surprises... I guess I was one of them...


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