Have Some Respect

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: House of G
I hate coat hangers. This is a day in the life of one, the bastards.

Submitted: October 23, 2016

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Submitted: October 23, 2016

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Have Some Respect

I hate coat hangers. They lie there, useless, until you need one and then all of a sudden they’re alive and grabbing onto everything they can! They hook into your pockets, they grab onto each other like they’re in a war zone and someone is trying to rip them from their family;

“No, mummy, no! Don’t leave me!”

“Leave me alone! I need to be with my son!”

“Mummy, please!”

“Get off me! Hold on, baby! Oh god no, ahhh!”

Or they’re just wanting to be in a mass orgy and they all fall to the floor. Good luck getting that mess undone without wanting to scream and break every single one of those stupid plastic triangles with the candy cane head.

I loathe coat hangers with every fiber of my being. As soon as I’ve been away from them for long enough, I go to use one and all of a sudden the rage and memories come flying back to me like not a day had passed since my last encounter. I try and hold it back and remind myself that I’m an adult and they’re inanimate objects, but they seem so damn alive! It’s almost as if they have a particular force to them that specifically alters my life to make it a down right misery.

Good luck trying to pack them away when you move houses. You think it will take just a few moments, and oooooh, no problems, they’re just coat hangers? You must be in La-La Land where everything is rainbows and sunshine because your wardrobe is the home of the spawn of Satan. So many spawn, so many nasty little triangles lined up so nicely, doing you a favor but keeping your clothes from wrinkling and getting all bunched up. Well, here’s a reality check: Imagine how boring it must be to hang in a wardrobe all day. Forget you’re human for a hot second.

Imagine you’re a coat hanger in a closet. You get moved and released maybe once every few weeks if you’re lucky and have one of the garments that get used more than others. Use is seasonal though. Happy days in summer when dresses are being used every day so your owner is cycling through all the summery dresses he/she owns. Let’s do some math. If your owner has 30 dresses and there are three months in summer, then that means you get used, on average, three times a year. Isn’t it soooo nice for you if you’re holding a popular dress and get sooo much more attention than the other coat hangers? So what, Mr. Popular? Everyone else loathes you anyway. You’re obnoxious and arrogant. Get lost.

But what about the rest of the coat hangers who carry apparel that doesn’t get worn that month? Like…winter. People can wear dresses in winter, too. People like going out for cocktails, thus a cocktail dress is required. But coats, especially the uglier, older ones, get left behind. They’re heavy. They’re smelly. They’re infested. The coat hangers that hold those garments have a lot of time to think. They’re veterans. They might as well have big bushy moustaches with worn eyes that twinkle through the black of their hearts. Luckily coat hangers can’t grow moustaches and don’t have eyes or hearts. They have grudges though. Through the weight of the year they try their best to get some leverage. They wait for a knock or a movement that doesn’t include being slid into your neighbor until you’re gasping for air, oh god the pain! I hate my neighbors, get out of my face you lousy tosser!, so that they can drop their baggage for a moment and have some sweet relief. It would be like holiday after 20 years of non-stop New York. Didn’t you ever wonder why there are piles of clothes that have fallen off your coat hangers? It’s a rebellion. They’re out to get a one up on you.

We tie them up and lock them down. Did you think there would be zero retaliation? You must be nuttier than squirrel poo. Of course they will try to escape, or fly off in the other direction when you move them, or violently attack you, or break.

We murder coat hangers for our own uses. The wire ones…that’s just awful how we pull them apart for our own uses, whether it be for a school project (absolutely sickening that we encourage our children to do this), or for adult matters like cleaning or trying to reach something. We step on the plastic ones and they snap. We throw them and play with them and in their moment of impact, their dull lives of captivity flash before their non-existent eyes and they remember that purple shirt and those pair of pants they held for so long. When a coat hanger breaks by itself, what do you think that is?

Karma comes back around and they want revenge. Treat your coat hangers nicely or you might find yourself momentarily fixed to a doorknob that puts your day off for five seconds but leaves you in a bad mood for five minutes. Look out.


© Copyright 2017 G. E. Davies. All rights reserved.

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