One Year

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
So it has been one year. What now? How did year one go for you? BIG QUESTION: What did you learn this first "year"? Oh and by the way...the picture on the cover. For those of you who are not biologist...it is the Zika Virus.

Submitted: October 27, 2016

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Submitted: October 27, 2016

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One year ago

One year since the divorce.

It WASN’T just a bad dream. All mornings were and are going to be the same as the last one…alone. The dawn comes screaming in, relentless to remind you of that fact.

She’s not going to be there next to you, looking like something out of a movie with her hair perfect like she just got out of the salon.

Ever.

Never again will you get to see her the way that she was. She’s gone… For good.

To me, that seems incredibly cruel does it not?

You try to hide it when you are first going through divorce. You don’t want to talk with anyone about it. You KNOW what is going to come out of the mouth before they even say it.

“Just, shut the hell up!” you are thinking.

Then comes the attempt at reverse psychology, “Quit feeling sorry for yourself!” So, they get you out to a honky-tonk because they know you like to dance and are good at country dancing. A girl asks you to dance when ‘Fool-hearted Memory’ song comes on (Ironic!) and the impossible happens…

you can no longer dance.

You try but there is nothing. Whereas before you took her in your arms and didn’t even have to think about the steps and the two of you were gliding! Now, you can’t even get through a simple two-step.

They do remind you that you are not a failure. It’s just that the relationship simply ran its course, it had an expiration date.

Humm…OK. My marriage was a gallon of milk?

I remember a show on TV called “Wide World of Sports”.

I AM NOT going to use a sports analogy, so calm down!

The opening line was, “….the thrill of victory. The agony of defeat” then they show this poor guy going off the side of a ski jump. I always thought, “No. That is not the agony of defeat, that is the broken bones of a mistake.” Having done the “thrill of victory” I can tell you that it lasts for a very short time, while failure lasts a lifetime. In the case of sports, it REQUIRES a LOT of failures, technically. The first time you try a back-leg hook kick you can’t even move the bag: technically a failure. 1,000 more “failures” and you land the kick that wins the match at state championships. In that case the axiom of “go out and do it again” applies.

With a divorce…not even in the same universe. It is like trying to apply Newtonian Physics to dark matter.

The day arrives and you are sick as a dog. You never feel more alone….. she is no longer there to care for you. SF Term:YOYO: you’re on your own.

You miss cooking for her. The way her face would light up when she took that first bite. You felt like a hero. Now, there is no joy in cooking. There are only the steps. Soon, you stop using fresh ingredients. Finally, it’s microwave and you’ve given up.  

There are times, when you are on a long drive, and catch yourself playing with your wedding ring that is no longer there.

Your wedding pictures are becoming images of a fiction, like a ghost story. Looking at yourself in the images you think of what you would tell “you”. Nothing. Maybe the Roman warning, omnis gloria fluxa. The happy years we had were more than 99.99% of the world gets. She loved me 10 times more than even my mother did. Now. It’s over.

You’ll wonder if she’s dating someone new and if she’s thinking he’s better than you. He won’t be better, just different.  I hope he can make her happy and I hope, nay, I pray she loves him with the love she had for me. I also pray that he can see how precious that look is and cherish it the way I did every night with thanks to G_d for one more day.

You get flashbacks of the lunches with her longtime friend. You remember the horrible things her friend said about her ex, is she now saying those things about you as part of the girl’s talk? How bad is she painting you?

After all the memories of the “I hate you.” subsides, you remember all the good times and forget the bad. Weird thing happens… there is a different kind of pain. Same but different.

What if... Well, forget it. No amount of income, looks, romantic locations will ‘get her back’. No Disney/Meg Ryan Movie ending where you end up in each other’s arms while the orchestra plays the theme song. After a year that is set in stone.

OK. What if….yea, right. How could it ever be the same with all the crap that has happened? FINE: You get your storybook ending and you are there under the tree in springtime with her back in your arms. It WOULD hit you:

….what DID she say to her buddies over lots of booze?

All the times she said, “I hate you” come back to spoil the mood.

But….you know what?

I could live with that.

For one minute of feeling like I did? Yea. I could do that…

You start to have flashbacks of toast. Well, not the toast exactly, but the toaster. You look at a spoon and remember when she was holding a spoon. Was it THIS spoon?

You are going to want to confide in your ex because you are so used to doing so, but you can’t do that. When you are hurting so bad in a dark place and call her, will she be with her buddies and roll her eyes when she sees it’s you and ignore it or excuse herself and take the call.  Why risk it?

Caine: Master, what is the best way to meet the loss of one we love?
Master: By knowing that when we truly love it is never lost. It is only after death that the depth of the loss is truly felt and our loved one becomes more a part of us than was possible in life.
Caine: Are we only able to feel this towards those whom we have known and loved for a long time?
Master: Sometimes a stranger known to us for moments can spark our souls to kinship for eternity.
Caine: How can strangers take on such much importance to our souls?
Master: Because our soul does not keep time. It merely records growth. 

Trying to “move on” is a disaster. Your friends or their wives are well meaning and set you up.

“It’s almost a year now, isn’t it?” You end their sentence in your head, “….since your milk expired.”

They are expecting an answer, but you are giving them the same stare you gave the bug prisoner who murdered those two little girls in Iraq.

I need to quit doing that. It’s freaking them out.

What expression would they accept…ok that one will work!

Wait for the micro-expression…yep! It worked, they bought it.

So, you try.

You should move on eventually, so why not now? Well… that would be true if it WERE time to “move on.”

But you hear every word out of your mouth, like you are watching a movie and can see right through the plot.

“He’s a phony” you say to the screen. “He’s not being honest with that nice lady.”

Who is that helping? No one. Not the lady nor is it helping you.

So how DO you know when it is time to move on?

I’ll let you know next week…month…year.

How about I tell you in the next life?


© Copyright 2017 David Kutchinski. All rights reserved.

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