The Donahues Episode 256

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan takes Terrence to Hansbay to meet his friends, but clowns terrorize Hansbay while they are there. Ethan fights to keep control of the narrative of the upcoming City Council election while fearing his recent ex-wife Fiona will come and hurt him

Submitted: October 28, 2016

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Submitted: October 28, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“THE SILENCE OF THE CLOWNS”

 

TV-MA DLV

 

“I was working in the lab, late one night, when my eyes held an eerie sight, for my monster from his slab, began to rise, and suddenly to my surprise, he did the mash. He did the monster mash. It was a graveyard smash”

  • Bobby Pickett

 

(We start with Zachary, sitting in his bed, reading the news on his iPad, with the headline being “JULIAN ASSANGE DEAD- Hillary Clinton suspected” but then with the sub-headline “or, I don’t know, something like that”. Ryan comes in)

 

RYAN: Hey.

 

(Zachary looks over at Ryan)

 

ZACHARY: Hey, Ry-Ry. Come over here.

 

RYAN: Zach. I can’t do it today.

 

ZACHARY: What? Why? I just need my chin hairs shaven.

 

RYAN: I have to go back to Vermont for the weekend.

 

ZACHARY: What’s in Vermont?

 

RYAN: My family. Apparently they miss me, for some reason.

 

ZACHARY: But I’m your family, contractually speaking. I’m your daddy.

 

RYAN: I’m sorry, daddy. (Ryan gets in the bed and scooches over to Zachary and feels his hand) But my real daddy and mommy have custody this weekend.

 

ZACHARY: What am I to do with myself then?

 

RYAN: Dress up in that dog costume- (Ryan points to a nearby dog costume) and pretend to be a dog with separation anxiety.

 

ZACHARY: How would that help?

 

RYAN: You love roleplay, right? It’ll be, fine. Or whatever. Bye bye.

 

(Ryan hugs Zach, and Zach holds him tight)

 

ZACHARY: Just stay here and fall asleep with me.

 

RYAN: I can’t, Zach. Halloween’s coming up, and I always buy my costumes in Hansbay.

 

ZACHARY: There are so many costumes here, though.

 

RYAN: None of our costumes are legal to wear in public, Zach.

 

(Zachary sighs and lets go)

 

ZACHARY: Fine. Go on. Enjoy your weekend.

 

RYAN: Thanks. (Ryan gets off the bed and puts on a Tonka Truck backpack) Bye, bye daddy.

 

(Zachary smiles)

 

ZACHARY: Bye. (Ryan runs out of the room, giggling. Zachary smiles and continues looking at his iPad. He looks at a news story that says “NINTH TRUMP ACCUSER COMES FORWARD- Melania Blames Billy Bush for Being a Bad Influence on Impressionable then- 59-year-old Donald Trump”. He then clicks on another news story, which reads “Clown Sightings Tick Up Dramatically”. A picture of a clown in a forest is displayed in the article) Ooh. (Zachary looks disturbed and puts his iPad aside. He then gets up off his bed. Lightning strikes outside, causing Zachary to scream and cower under the covers) RYAN, COME BACK! RYAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, COME BACK! (The lightning strikes again, and this time reveals a clown standing at Zachary’s window) OH, JESUS CHRIST ON THE CROSS!! (Zachary stands up in his bed, breathing heavily. He jumps off the bed and runs into the living room. Zachary sees a clown holding a Swiffer. Zachary screams and tries to run away, but the clown runs after him. The clown hits Zachary upside the head, sending him to the ground in the middle of the hallway) WHY?!?!?!?

 

(The clown pins him down)

 

CLOWN: Isn’t it obvious?

 

(The clown beats Zachary’s head in with the Swiffer. Cut to Ryan and Terrence in Ryan’s car. Ryan is driving, while Terrence is in the passenger seat. The radio is playing Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man”)

 

TERRENCE: Ugh, why are we listening to this dad rock?

 

RYAN: My stereo is broken, so I can only listen to the radio. Also, Black Sabbath is great!
 

TERRENCE: Come on, let’s change it.

 

RYAN: Fine, do whatever.

 

(Terrence keeps changing station, past the Latin music station, the hip hop station, and to the news station)

 

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Clowns have been-

 

(Terrence changes it again)

 

RYAN: Hold on, go back.

 

TERRENCE: To what? The news?
 

RYAN: Yeah. Just for a second.

 

TERRENCE: Fine.

 

(Terrence turns it back to the news)

 

NEWS ANNOUNCER: Clown sightings have escalated in recent weeks, stoking fears that you and your five friends will be murdered. However, no clown-related incident has resulted in a murder or assault…yet.

 

RYAN: Hmm.

 

TERRENCE: That’s pretty cool, honestly. We should be a clown at the Halloween Party.

 

RYAN: But there are no famous clown duos.

 

TERRENCE: Shit, you’re right. Can’t Bozo and John Wayne Gacy team up?

 

RYAN: No, I don’t think that would be received well.

 

TERRENCE: We’ll think about it later. We just need to find something to listen to!!

 

(Terrence keeps flipping through stations. Cut to Ryan pulling up to the curb at Kimberly’s house. Ryan and Terrence get out)

 

RYAN: Well. Here it is.

 

TERRENCE: You grew up here?

 

RYAN: No, we’ve lived here three years.

 

TERRENCE: I am so into this, UGH! Let’s go up to your room and I’ll drive your racecar bed while you take me from behind.

 

(Terrence grabs onto Ryan)

 

RYAN: I wish I actually had a racecar bed up there. But instead. (Cut to Ryan and Terrence standing in Ryan’s room. A twin bed is in there, along with a record collection, band posters, and a bowl of something that has been left out for a long time, along with various spoons and cups on the desk surrounding his personal computer) There’s some sort of weird bowl of something that’s been there for like a month. Don’t remember what it is.

 

TERRENCE: Do you not have comics in here?

 

RYAN: No, I’m not a comic junkie like you. I’m just a regular junkie.

 

(Terrence gets in Ryan’s bed)

 

TERRENCE: This can be a racecar bed if we want it to.

 

RYAN: No, Terrence, let’s meet my parents first.

 

TERRENCE: Okay, am I your project partner? Friend? IT guy?

 

RYAN: Terrence, it’s fine, they know I’m bisexual.

 

TERRENCE: Oh. Okay. I’m not used to this. I had a whole “IT guy” character planned.

 

RYAN: Let’s just go downstairs.

 

(Terrence follows Ryan downstairs. Ryan and Terrence greet Kimberly and Luke in the living room)

 

RYAN: Hey guys, this is my boyfriend Terrence.

 

TERRENCE: (Deep voice, hunched over) Hey, I’m Terrence, what do you got, screen freezing? (Regular voice) Sorry, I still went with the character for some reason.

 

KIMBERLY: Uhh, hi, Terrence.

 

(Kimberly and Terrence shake hands)
 

LUKE: How are ya, bloke?

 

TERRENCE: You’re not from here, right?

 

LUKE: He’s perceptive.

 

RYAN: Yeah. He is.

 

KIMBERLY: Uh-huh. What happened to Catherine?

 

RYAN: Why would you ask that?

 

LUKE: It was nice to meet you, Terrence.

 

RYAN: Yeah, let’s go and meet up with my friends at Bernie’s Grinders.

 

KIMBERLY: Good idea.

 

TERRENCE: Alright. Pleasure.

 

(Ryan and Terrence wave and leave. Cut to Ryan and Terrence sitting in a booth at Bernie’s Grinders)

 

RYAN: I’m sorry about that. My mom doesn’t know how to be tactful sometimes. (A waitress comes over and pours Ryan some coffee) Thanks.

 

TERRENCE: It just doesn’t seem like they like me.

 

(The waitress walks away)

 

RYAN: My mom doesn’t like 7-11 clerks she’s known for exactly fifteen seconds. You’ll grow on her.

 

TERRENCE: Okay then. I feel sad though, I want ice cream.

 

RYAN: Alright, hold on.

 

(Ryan indicates to the waitress. She comes over)

 

TERRENCE: Could I get a bowl of mint vanilla fudgesicle cream sundae pie please?

 

WAITRESS: Sure.

 

RYAN: You have that?

 

WAITRESS: It’ll be right out.

 

(Waitress walks away. Ryan sips his coffee. Michelle and Sarah come in. Ryan stands up)

 

RYAN: Michelle Reed and Sarah Blumenthal!
 

MICHELLE: Heyyy!!

 

SARAH: S’up?

 

(Michelle and Ryan hug. Ryan then hugs Sarah, and then they sit on Terrence’s side)

 

TERRENCE: Hey, I’m Terrence.

 

SARAH: Hi.

 

MICHELLE: Good to meet you.

 

RYAN: Yeah, this is my boyfriend Terrence.

 

SARAH: Where’d you two meet?

 

TERRENCE: He stalked me at the library I worked at.

 

(The waitress comes over)

 

WAITRESS: Are you guys talking about stalking?

 

RYAN: …Yes?

 

WAITRESS: Have you guys heard about the Hansbay clown stalking people around town?

 

RYAN: Do you have no one to talk to about things?

 

MICHELLE: There’s no way that shit is real.

 

WAITRESS: It’s VERY real. Be careful after homecoming, kids.

 

(The waitress walks away)

 

MICHELLE: I’m twenty-two, I can’t still look like I’m in high school, right?

 

SARAH: I still get asked what grade I’m in.

 

TERRENCE: God, this clown stuff is freaking me out.

 

MICHELLE: Not me.

 

TERRENCE: Really?

 

MICHELLE: Yep.

 

(Terrence puts his hand on Michelle’s shoulder)

 

TERRENCE: Boo! (Michelle puts her hand on Terrence’s and squeezes it angrily) Oh God, TELL HER TO LET GO!
 

RYAN: Michelle!!

 

(Michelle lets go and Terrence pulls back his hand)

 

MICHELLE: I don’t like being touched like that.

 

TERRENCE: You just almost broke my hand!
 

RYAN: Calm down, everyone, just relax. Clowns are real, okay? There’s no doubt about that.

 

SARAH: Yeah, but are they killing people? Of course not.

 

TERRENCE: Still though, clowns creep me out.

 

RYAN: But pup play doesn’t?

 

TERRENCE: Not when I’m literally a dog!

 

SARAH: Moving on from that. Do you guys remember trick or treating? I miss it, because I got to stock up on candy for the entire year, which I don’t know if you guys know, but at the time, candy was my diet.

 

MICHELLE: It’s still her diet.

 

(The waitress brings her a mocha latte with whipped cream and orange and black candy canes in it)

 

SARAH: Thank you. Could I get some sugar packets for this? I don’t want Splenda, I’ve heard it’s bad for you.

 

WAITRESS: Sure, little girl. DOOOOOMED little girl.

 

(The waitress walks away. Sarah turns to Ryan and Terrence)
 

SARAH: The fuck was that?

 

RYAN: You know what Terrence should see?

 

MICHELLE: What?
 

RYAN: Hansbay High. I want him to see my old sulking grounds.

 

SARAH: That’d be fun. We could stop by.

 

TERRENCE: Let’s all do a dog filter snapchat- (Terrence takes out his iPhone) picture first, though.

 

MICHELLE: Considering what I now know about you guys, absolutely not.

 

(Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Sarah and Terrence walking towards Hansbay High School after getting out of Ryan’s car)

 

RYAN: I used to bury money over there, so my drug dealer could unearth it and get paid. But he could never actually unearth it, so he made me dig it up in front of him, and then just robbed me at knife point.

 

TERRENCE: Jeez. Who do you buy from now?

 

RYAN: Oh, I still buy from him.

 

SARAH: Look, there’s some sort of race over there at the track.

 

(Pan over to a race on the Hansbay High track field, with people cheering, and runners lined up at a starting line)

 

MICHELLE: Let’s watch it.

 

RYAN: Why?

 

MICHELLE: Because what else are we gonna do?

 

(Ryan shrugs and they all walk over to the track. Principals Duron and Maxell walk over to them)

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well, I don’t believe my eyes, it’s Ryan Donahue, Sarah Blumenthal and that foreign exchange student from a few years ago.

 

MICHELLE: I’m Michelle Reed.

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You’re telling me that name isn’t Turkish?

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: What are you guys doing here? You graduated two years ago.

 

RYAN: We’re bored and we want to mock this athletic pursuit.

 

RUNNER: Can we start racing now?
 

PRINCIPAL DURON: Yeah, hold on.

 

(Duron takes out a starting gun and shoots it in the air. Terrence screams and holds onto Ryan as the runners take off)

 

TERRENCE: I HATE LOUD NOISES!
 

RYAN: Shhhh, it’s okay.

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: By the way, Ryan. Tell your dad I’m not voting for him.

 

RYAN: I probably won’t tell him that. I probably won’t vote for him either.

 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Rumor has it, he’s getting divorced again.

 

RYAN: What? He just got married, there’s no way.

 

(Principal Duron uses the starting gun to gesticulate toward Ryan and his friends to make his point)

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: I’m just saying, if you can’t stick with one spouse, how can we expect you to stick with one city?

 

RYAN: Stop pointing that at me- who are you supporting for President, by the way?

 

(Duron puts his starting gun away)

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: Donald Trump. Before you say anything, the only reason he’s been married three times is because he can’t marry the woman he truly loves- Ivanka Trump. And that’s sad.

 

RYAN: So if my dad married my sister you might vote for him?

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: If it’s heartfelt, sure!
 

SARAH: Can we go? This guy is more disgusting than I remember him.

 

(We hear people scream. As we pan over to see a creepy clown standing in the distance. The track and field runners begin to run away as people panic. Principal Duron panics and points his starting gun at the clown)

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: I’LL TAKE YOU DOWN, FUCKER!
 

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: THAT’S A PROP GUN, DURON!

 

TERRENCE: Let’s get the hell out of here!
 

(Ryan, Terrence, Sarah and Michelle run away. Principal Duron drops his prop gun and runs away too. Cut to the side of the school. Principal Duron is in a duck and cover position, with his head between his legs and facing the wall. A shadow is cast over him)

 

PRINCIPAL DURON: THIS IS THE POSITION YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE TORNADO DRILL, RIGHT MAXELL? (Long silence) Maxell? (Pause) Maxell, this isn’t funny. (Duron turns around and sees the clown standing there, pointing the prop gun at him) OHH, GOOOOOD, NO!!! (Duron stands up and puts his hand up) Wait, that’s a prop gun-

 

(The clown pins Duron against the wall and forces him to swallow the prop gun, which chokes him to death after a painful minute-long process. Duron collapses onto the pavement and emits a final breath. The clown rips Duron’s shirt open and brands him with a hot brand of unknown content. Clown cools the brander off by blowing on it. Cut to Ethan sitting on his couch, in his apartment, holding a knife. He looks sleep-deprived, and he’s watching Hansbay Local News)

 

RICHARD STOVALL: Hillary Clinton’s lead in the race for President has remained steady in the wake of Donald Trump’s widely panned performance in the third and final Presidential debate on Wednesday, where said things like this.

 

(They show footage of Donald Trump debating Hillary Clinton)

 

DONALD TRUMP: Once the border is secured, at a later date, we’ll make a determination as to the rest. But we have some hombres here, and we need to get ‘em out.

 

(Cut)

 

SECRETARY CLINTON: My, social security, payroll contribution, will go up, as will Donald’s, assuming, he can’t figure out how to get out of it. Uh, but, what we wanna do is to replenish the-

 

DONALD TRUMP: Such a nasty woman.

 

SECRETARY CLINTON: Social Security trust fund-

 

(Cut to Ethan watching)

 

ETHAN: What’s so ironic is that nasty women and bad hombres are precisely the reasons he won’t be President.

 

(Anella comes in)

 

ANELLA: Why do you have a knife?

 

ETHAN: Because Fiona is gonna try and come kill me.

 

ANELLA: Jesus, Ethan, why don’t we just move?

 

ETHAN: Because then she’ll just burn some innocent person’s apartment down. And they won’t see it coming.

 

ANELLA: Ethan, we should move anyway. It’s not safe here, did you hear about the clown at Hansbay High?

 

ETHAN: What?

 

ANELLA: There was a clown spotted at Hansbay High, standing ominously near the track during a race. A bunch of people ran away.

 

ETHAN: Come on, Anella. I’m sure it’s just viral marketing. Probably by the Clinton campaign to make people fear clowns.

 

ANELLA: I don’t want to live here anyway, if we’re gonna live together, I want to live in a bungalow with no electricity.

 

ETHAN: That’s out of the question, Anella.

 

(Anella gets a text. She looks at her phone. Anella gasps)

 

ANELLA: Oh my God.

 

ETHAN: What?

 

ANELLA: Someone just texted me that Hansbay High’s Principal got murdered.

 

(Ethan stands up and drops his knife)

 

ETHAN: What?

 

ANELLA: He was found dead outside Hansbay High shortly after the clown appeared near the High School track.

 

ETHAN: Jesus. I need to make a statement on this, come with me.

 

(Anella and Ethan grab their coats and leave the apartment. The clown comes out of Ethan’s bathroom as suspenseful music begins playing. He smiles and grabs the knife Ethan dropped. The clown sees the TV’s local news coverage)

 

RICHARD STOVALL: The clown who appeared near the High School track and is suspected of murdering Principal Duron is still at large. When we come back, fun brownie recipes to make for trick or treaters!
 

(The clown turns off the TV and walks over to the fridge in Ethan’s kitchen. He opens it, and tries to fit into it, but can’t, so he closes it. He shrugs, opens the pantry and takes a ginger snap and starts eating it. He then walks into Ethan’s bedroom and walks into the walk-in closet, and shuts the door. Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Sarah and Terrence sitting at a bench in front of Lake Champlain. Ryan is drinking tequila straight from the bottle. He finishes his swig and hands it to Terrence)
 

RYAN: Goddamn, that takes the edge off.

 

MICHELLE: Of your liver.

 

(Terrence takes a swig)

 

TERRENCE: Ugh. It could use some milk, babe.

 

RYAN: Save that for cat play, babe.

 

MICHELLE: Please stop it. (Terrence hands Michelle the tequila bottle) Come on, are we in ninth grade?
 

RYAN: Just drink it, there’s nothing else to do in this affluent suburb of Burlington.

 

(Michelle sighs and takes a swig of the tequila. She then hands it to Sarah)

 

SARAH: Does anyone have sugar packets?

 

TERRENCE: Just drink it, bitch. (Sarah glares at him) Sorry, I don’t know you well enough to joke like that.

 

RYAN: And your voice isn’t quite gay enough.

 

TERRENCE: True.

 

(Sarah takes her swig. Ryan turns around to see an empty boat floating towards the shore of Lake Champlain)

 

MICHELLE: Uh-oh. Somebody got eaten by Champ.

 

RYAN: Coool! I want to get in that thing!
 

(Ryan stands up)

 

SARAH: Ryan, you shouldn’t do that.

 

RYAN: Why not? It’s a free boat.

 

SARAH: Right, but you never wanted a boat before literally this moment.

 

TERRENCE: I think it would be romantic if you took me on a boat ride.

 

RYAN: See? This is why I like Terrence! Always says yes!

 

(Ryan and Terrence walk towards the shore as the boat washes up. Sarah gets up and walks over to them)

 

SARAH: Guys, you don’t know what happened to the people on that boat!
 

RYAN: Oh, I’m sure it was Aqua Clowns!

 

TERRENCE: Yeah, is that what your WikiLeaks conspiracy theories told you?

 

RYAN: I bet an aqua clown killed Julian Assange too, huh?

 

(Ryan and Terrence get in the boat and Sarah turns to Michelle)

 

SARAH: Michelle, help please!

 

(Michelle swigs the tequila)

 

MICHELLE: Just let them do whatever.

 

RYAN: Bye bye!

 

TERRENCE: See ya!

 

(Their boat begins to float away, and they start making out as it does. Sarah sighs and walks over to Michelle)

 

SARAH: Come on, we need to at least coax them back to shore.

 

MICHELLE: Lake Champlain is huge; how would we even know to which side they’re going to float?

 

SARAH: Damnit, you’re right. We have to split up.

 

MICHELLE: Fine, but I’m taking the tequila.

 

SARAH: …Alright. I’ll take the east side; you take the west side. Or, the left side or the right side, or just go a direction and I’ll go the opposite direction.

 

MICHELLE: Deal. (Sarah and Michelle run in opposite directions. Michelle to the left, Sarah to the right. Cut to Michelle walking alongside Lake Champlain as a fog thickens the air around her) Did they re-open that fog factory again? (The fog becomes waist-deep) What the hell? How can this be? I’m balls-deep in fog.

 

(Michelle keeps trying to make her way through the fog as it thickens. Cut to Ethan speaking in front of his campaign headquarters, behind a podium, with Nelson, Anella, Principal Maxell and other mourners are standing beside him. The press pool is in front of him)

 

ETHAN: Today, our noble city was struck by a terrible tragedy. Our beloved Principal, the man who basically raised my children after I gave up on them, was killed by a murder most cowardly. It’s times like these where the community desperately needs to come together. And on November 8th, when you’re in the voting booth, consider, what would Principal Duron do?

 

(Councilman Deters walks over)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: He wouldn’t vote for you!
 

(The press gasps)

 

ETHAN: Deters!
 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Sorry, just telling the truth, remember, he was a Deters supporter, not a Donahue supporter.

 

ETHAN: I don’t know what his politics were, but I just want him to be remembered. Don’t politicize this tragedy!
 

(Deters grabs Ethan’s microphone)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: THE REAL PROBLEM IS THE CLOWNS! WE NEED TO GO AFTER THE CLOWNS! I IMPLORE THIS ANGRY MOB-

 

ETHAN: THEY’RE MOURNERS!
 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: TO VANDALIZE EVERY BUSINESS THAT FURNISHES THE SERVICES OF CLOWNS!!

 

(The press starts clamoring “yeah”)

 

MRS. DURON: Please, don’t hurt anyone- (The press start chanting “KILL THE CLOWNS” and marching away) oh dear. My husband probably would’ve done the same.

 

(Ethan pats Mrs. Duron on the shoulder)

 

ETHAN: Listen, Deters. You just incited violence. In any other election year, that would’ve been a campaign-ender. Luckily, you already ended your campaign at the debate where you said you wanted to fuck a cave woman.

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: If I lose, you rigged it! By letting clowns vote!

 

ETHAN: Get out of here, loser. (Into microphone) Press conference is over!
 

(Ethan shakes his head and walks away from the podium. Councilman Deters goes up to the microphone. He smiles a weird smile)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Hey guys.

 

(Cut to Ethan walking into his apartment with Anella, and hanging up his jacket)

 

ANELLA: Can you make it any more obvious that you’re broken up with Fiona?

 

ETHAN: The word’s out anyway. (Ethan sits on the couch and takes off his socks) Nobody cares except for people who weren’t going to vote for me anyway. It’s exactly the reason the WikiLeaks leaks aren’t hurting Hillary.

 

(Ethan takes off his tie)

 

ANELLA: You want me to put that in the closet?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, if you don’t mind.

 

(Ethan hands Anella the tie. Anella takes the tie and walks into the bedroom. She is about to open the closet door, but she hesitates, and goes back into the living room)

 

ANELLA: Should I hang it up or put it in the drawer?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, there’s like a little bar where you- actually, just let me do it.

 

ANELLA: Cool. (Anella hands the tie to Ethan, who then takes it) I’m gonna make collard greens, because they’re good for you.

 

ETHAN: Great, I’ll just have real dinner later. (Ethan walks into his bedroom as Anella walks into the kitchen. Ethan opens his closet door, turns on the light and walks over to a bar where a bunch of ties are hanging. The clown is standing in the corner behind him. Ethan hangs the tie) There we go. Wait a minute… (The clown creeps closer towards him) my red power tie is missing.

 

(The clown takes out his red power tie and starts choking him from behind. Ethan struggles as the clown drags him down the ground. Ethan wildly gesticulates, trying to gain an upper hand on the clown, but the clown just keeps choking him until he lies there, lifeless. The clown breathes deeply for a few seconds and then closes Ethan’s eyes with his hand)

 

ANELLA: (Off screen) ETHAN? ARE YOU TRYING TO GET OUT OF THIS COLLARD GREENS DINNER? BECAUSE YOU CAN’T! (The clown exits the closet and walks into the living room. The clown walks into the kitchen while Anella is looking in the fridge. The clown opens the utensil drawer and finds a sharp knife) I’M LOOKING FOR BROTH RIGHT NOW! (Anella closes the fridge door and screams) NOOOOO!!! (The clown offers her the knife, she takes it, and while crying she kind of slashes the clown in the stomach. The clown pretends to fall, dead. Anella then drops the knife next to the clown, who visibly shakes his head) Thank God I killed him!
 

(Anella runs into the next room and, while crying, she opens the closet to see Ethan’s body. She starts hysterically crying as the clown stabs her from behind and muffles her screams with his hand)

 

THE CLOWN: Too easy.

 

(The clown pulls the knife out of Anella’s back, and she falls to the floor, dead. The clown then backs out of the room. Cut to Ryan and Terrence sitting in their boat on Lake Champlain)

 

TERRENCE: …Ryan, how are we gonna get back?

 

RYAN: Terrence, we can every easily use our hands to wade our way back.

 

TERRENCE: We should’ve just stayed on shore.

 

RYAN: No, stop that. Come on. We’re one.

 

TERRENCE: Yeah, we are one.

 

RYAN: We’re like Batman and Robin.

 

TERRENCE: Can I be Robin?

 

RYAN: Only if I can be Robin too.

 

TERRENCE: Deal. (Ryan and Terrence start making out. Terrence suddenly feels a vibration in the water, and stops making out with Ryan) D-did you feel that?

 

RYAN: Feel what?

 

TERRENCE: I thought I heard like a, like a, I felt like a vibration.

 

RYAN: No, I didn’t feel anything. You’re not gonna convince me Champ is real.

 

TERRENCE: I’m just saying, it’s possible.

 

RYAN: Let’s just keep making out.

 

TERRENCE: Can’t we just appreciate this beautiful lake?

 

RYAN: So you’re saying you don’t want to make out with me?

 

TERRENCE: I mean, we don’t have to do it all the time, right?

 

RYAN: No, of course not. Let’s just appreciate nature.

 

(Ryan and Terrence sit in silence)

 

TERRENCE: Ever watch birds? It’s like they have little families they come home to.

 

RYAN: Nature is boring. Let’s fuck.

 

(The vibration occurs again)

 

TERRENCE: Shit.

 

RYAN: I felt it that time.

 

(They see in the distance, a figure, rowing a boat, obscured by fog)

 

TERRENCE: Who the hell could that be?

 

(They hear a honking clown horn)

 

RYAN: OH, SHIT!
 

(The clown rows into visibility and Ryan and Terrence scream and try to use their hands to desperately row away. But the clown takes a fishing and a hook and puts a worm on it and casts it towards Ryan and Terrence. Terrence, momentarily, is perplexed by the worm)

 

TERRENCE: Ooh!
 

RYAN: TERRENCE!! (Terrence tries to eat it, but is then pulled by his cheek into the water) TERREEEEENCE!!!!!!!

 

(The clown jumps in the water and holds Terrence under. Ryan jumps in the water to fight with the clown, and they all go underwater. Ryan kicks the clown in the balls while he’s drowning Terrence, but he seems to be barely affected by it. Ryan tries to attack the clown, but the clown reaches into his pocket and pulls out some Burt’s Bee’s Chapstick, which confuses Ryan, throwing him off. The clown shrugs and shoves the chapstick down his throat, choking him to death. Ryan’s dead body sinks slowly towards the bottom of the lake, as does Terrence. The clown swims up for air. Cut to Councilman Deters leading the angry mob of reporters through the streets of a neighborhood)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: WE WILL AVENGE SHANE DURON’S DEATH!!

 

(They cheer. The waitress from earlier emerges from the crowd and stands in front of them)

 

WAITRESS: BEWARE!!!

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Get out of the way, lady.

 

(They march right past her, and she looks around, confused)

 

WAITRESS: But, guys, I’m the sagacious-

 

(Someone shoves her to the ground. Cut to the Mayoral debate between Irville Satch and Evan Alexander at Hansbay High. Quinn Porter and Matt Lauer are moderating the debate)

 

MATT LAUER: Welcome back to the Hansbay Mayoral Debate.

 

QUINN: I’m Quinn Porter.

 

MATT LAUER: And I’m Matt Lauer, and I’ve been degraded to hosting this tiny, insignificant mayoral debate because I did such a terrible moderating the Presidential Town Hall in early September. Let’s continue, with a question from Quinn.

 

QUINN: Mr. Satch, today’s murder of Hansbay High Principal Shane Duron has shaken all of Hansbay. Councilman Deters is calling for angry mobs to throw any and all professional clowns out of town. How do you feel about this rhetoric?

 

IRVILLE: Well, Quinn, clowns have entertained me since I was a little kid. My uncle was a clown. He dressed like one every night and sang me to sleep.

 

MATT: Eeeh.

 

IRVILLE: So the hysteria over our clown brothers and sisters is unwarranted. We need to focus on the important issues! Like taking old pennies and shining them up so they look pretty when we’re at the cash register. People vote with their pocket books, you know, Mayor Alexander.

 

MATT: Mayor Alexander, a rebuttal?

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: I’ll just say this; most clowns are decent Americans. But we have no idea what kind of clowns we’re letting into the city of Hansbay. Entertainers or killers, we don’t know. We just don’t know. This I can tell you, Irville Satch created clowns, and clowns want to take over our children’s parties, and those parties are so sad. But we tell them exactly when the parties are-and Irville Satch is absolutely the founder of clowns, absolutely the founder, and a lot of people say that- (Someone goes over and whispers in Quinn’s ear) and give me a lot of credit for it-

 

QUINN: Oh my God.

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: What is it? Please start talking.

 

(The person who whispered in Quinn’s ear stands aside)

 

QUINN: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s just been reported that Ethan Donahue and his girlfriend Anella have been found dead in their apartment.

 

(The crowd gasps. Irville and Mayor Alexander look shocked)

 

IRVILLE: OH MY GAAAAAD!

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: What the hell happened?!

 

QUINN: It looks to have been another murder.

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: I reverse my stance, we have to go after the clowns.

 

(The crowd starts cheering. Cut to Michelle sitting in a tree near the edge of Lake Champlain)

 

MICHELLE: RYAN! RYAN’S FUCKBOY BOYFRIEND! GET OVER HERE!!! (Michelle takes a rock and throws it into the water) IF A ROCK HITS YOU, JUST SCREAM SO I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!! (Michelle sees a boat approaching) Oh, good, maybe that’s them. HEY ASSHOLES, YOU SCREWED UP OUR GOOD TIME!!! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO…well, I don’t really know if I expected much from this outing. (The boat comes out of the mist and the clown is seen inside) Jesus, are you guys doing weird roleplay again? And where’s Terrence- OH FUCK! (Michelle climbs down from the tree and starts running by the side of the lake. The clown jumps into the water and starts swimming towards the shore. The clown gets on shore quickly and starts running after Michelle. Michelle jumps up into another tree and takes out her switch blade as the clown begins climbing up the tree, Michelle kicks him in the face, sending him to the grass. She waves her knife at him) DON’T GET NEAR ME, BASTARD! I’VE DREAMT OF BEING CHASED BY A PSYCHO KILLER MY WHOLE LIFE, SO I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO! (Ten second go by and the clown remains motionless) I’m not gonna be like every movie moron and not finish him off.

 

(Michelle climbs down the tree wielding the knife. Cut to Sarah on the other side of the lake. She is standing there, using the flashlight feature on her phone to signal)

 

SARAH: RYAAAAN! TERREEEENCE! COME ON, YOU GUYS! (A wallet washes up on shore. Sarah leans down and picks it up. She opens it to see Ryan’s driver’s license, his SUNY Plattsburgh ID card and a dog nametag that reads “Ryan- Naughty Border Collie”) Oh my God. Did they drown? I have to go help them! (Sarah races over towards the center of the lake. She takes out her phone and calls Michelle. She then hears Michelle’s ringtone. She then looks over at a tree and sees Michelle’s lifeless body hanging from the tree, her noose made of Ethan’s red power tie. Sarah gasps and falls to the ground crying) JESUS, NOOOOOO!!!!

 

(Sarah takes out her phone and calls the police)

 

POLICE DISPATCHER: (On the phone) 911, what is your emergency?

 

SARAH: ONE OF MY FRIENDS HAS BEEN HANGED! I THINK THE OTHER TWO MAY HAVE DROWNED AT-

 

POLICE DISPATCHER: Sorry, ma’am, I have to go, we’re all going to witch hunt some clowns, bye bye.

 

SARAH: WAIT- (The dispatcher hangs up) FUCK!

 

(Sarah runs away. Cut to the angry mob knocking at someone’s door. A middle-aged man opens up)

 

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Hi, angry mob, can I help you?

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Hey! Is this- (Deters holds up a photo of the man wearing clown make-up) you on the weekends?

 

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Uh, yeah, I entertain at children’s birthday parties sometimes-

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: YOU’RE COMING WITH US!

 

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: What?! (The angry mob cheers) I HAVE A FAMILY! I HAVE CHILDREN!
 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: WHERE?! Under the floorboards?!

 

(The angry mob cheers more and they grab the man)

 

VOICE: (Offscreen) Excuse me.

 

(They all turn around to see Donald Trump standing on the street, surrounded by Secret Service, with his motorcade parked nearby. The angry mob gasps)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Donald Trump! What are YOU doing here?!

 

DONALD TRUMP: I was watching the shows, and I heard about the very, very serious problems of clown. We need to deal with clown, tremendously. They’re killing people, they’re taking jobs, Hillary Clinton created clown, and I, if I am elected President, which I will be unless it’s RIGGED, there will be tremendous reform, believe me. On clown. We’re gonna kick clowns out, because we have some bad payasos in this country.

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Payasos?

 

DONALD TRUMP: It’s “clown” in Spanish. In High School Spanish I only learned hombre, payasos and perro, the word for dog. Because remember, when Hillary Clinton tried to e-mail Benghazi, she choked like a perro. And after all, she is a perra, that I can tell you. So I’m here to offer my full support to this community.

 

(The angry mob applauds. Then, suddenly, another motorcade pulls up on the other side of the street. Secretary Hillary Clinton emerges from the vehicle, surrounded by secret service)

 

SECRETARY CLINTON: Well, well, well.

 

(The crowd gasps)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Crooked Hillary Clinton!? What are YOU doing here?

 

SECRETARY CLINTON: Thanks for that. I’m here to offer my support to the community. And I’m not going to use this issue to incite hatred of clowns in this country. I’m going to try to bring us closer to one another, because we’re Stronger Together™. Trademark. So I’m not gonna demonize clowns like Donald will. But, trust me, I will bomb the shit out of clown colleges.

 

(The angry mob cheers as Secretary Clinton waves to them. Secretary Clinton then ducks into her vehicle, but not before stumbling a bit)

 

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Easy does it, Hillary.

 

SECRETARY CLINTON: I want apple sauce.

 

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: You’ll get it, don’t worry.

 

(They get her into the car and start driving away)

 

DONALD TRUMP: Well, now that crooked Hillary is done interrupting, grab that son of a bitch. Grab him by the pussy.

 

(The crowd grabs the middle-aged man and starts dragging him away)

 

MIDDLE-AGED MAN: NOOOO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!? I’M VOTING FOR DONALD TRUMP AND YOU, COUNCILMAN DETERS!!!

 

DONALD TRUMP: It’s great to be back in Hansbay. (The crowd starts dragging him down the street) Hey, angry mob. (They turn around and look at Trump inquisitively. Trump smiles) Beat the crap out of him for me, will ya?

 

(Donald Trump winks as a “ding” noise plays and a sparkle appears at his eye. The crowd goes “awww” as Trump gets into his motorcade. The secret service shuts the car door)

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: Man, I’m gonna miss that guy after the election. LET’S GO!!

 

(The angry mob continues dragging the middle-aged man away. Cut to Sarah running in Hansbay Park, late at night. She is crying and eventually sits down on a bench)

 

SARAH: Whyyyy…WHYYYYY?!?!?!

 

(Fiona Cadbury walks over to her)

 

FIONA: Sarah? Are you okay?

 

SARAH: Noooo, Fiona….my friends just got murdered!
 

FIONA: What?!

 

SARAH: Yeah, we were all just down at the lake, and I think Ryan and Terrence were drowned, and then Michelle was hanged from a tree.

 

FIONA: Oh my God! You poor child!
 

SARAH: I’m twenty-one-

 

(Fiona sits next to her and hugs her)

 

FIONA: I’m so sorry, Sarah. They were good kids.

 

(Sarah continues sobbing, but then notices a little bit of white paint on her neck. Her eyebrows furrow)

 

SARAH: Fiona. What are you doing out here anyway?

 

(Fiona reaches for the knife in her back pocket)

 

FIONA: Just walking-

 

(Sarah pushes Fiona off of her and starts running. Fiona starts chasing Sarah with the knife. Sarah begins to slow down, and then falls to the ground, causing Fiona to trip over her, so Sarah then pins her by the back, and takes her knife away)

 

SARAH: I can’t believe that worked.

 

(Sarah stabs Fiona in the back several times, killing her. She pants heavily and falls to the side of the body, exhausted. Cut to later, when police are at the scene. There is crime scene tape around Fiona’s body. Sheriff Warren is speaking with Sarah, who is in a blanket. Irville and Amy Satch are standing nearby, as are Brennan and Michael)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: You see, Ryan’s father and girlfriend were also killed earlier tonight.

 

SARAH: Jesus! So you think Fiona got so jealous she went crazy?

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Perhaps. But that’s for our investigation to determine. We found a discarded clown costume over in the corner of the park. A homeless man was using it as a blanket, but it smelled like perfume.

 

SARAH: Wow. I still can’t believe this. This is so much to process.

 

IRVILLE: Don’t worry, Sarah. Your mother and I will take you out for ice cream this weekend to lift your spirits, ever so slightly.

 

SARAH: Sorry, Irville, I can’t do it. I have six funerals to go to. Although I guess I can skip Principal Duron’s. And Ryan’s. I think Ryan said to just throw his body in the ocean.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: It’s already in a lake, is that close enough?

 

SARAH: Maybe it’s- RYAN, WAKE UP! RYAN, WAKE UP!!!!

 

(Cut to Ryan awaking on Zach’s lap in Zach’s bad)

 

RYAN: Whaa?!

 

ZACH: Ryan, you’ve been sleeping on my lap for hours! I can’t feel my legs!
 

RYAN: Jesus, sorry, I had a nightmare.

 

ZACH: Yeah, you were just telling me about your weekend in Hansbay when you drifted off to sleep.

 

RYAN: What did I tell you?

 

ZACH: That you found out your dad got divorced again. And his ex-wife has gone psychotic.

 

RYAN: Uh-huh.

 

ZACH: And there’s been clown sightings throughout Hansbay, and it’s become a campaign issue in your dad’s run for city council.

 

RYAN: Right. But no one’s been killed by a clown, right?

 

ZACH: No…

 

RYAN: Good.

 

ZACH: What happened in your nightmare?

 

RYAN: Let’s just say Donald Trump was in it.

 

ZACH: Oh, God.

 

(“Psycho Killer” by Talking Heads plays as the credits roll and then we cut to black)

 

THE END


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