A Humble Request

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
I'm not sure if this is an acceptable request to ask here, I'm looking for some advice on where I might find interest in my writing. I am not looking for any kind of recognition. Nothing monetary or anything like that I just have this feeling of 'responsibility' to somehow join the 'human conversation'. But, it is like I am in a crowded restaurant… hearing aids amplifying the white noise of hundreds of exchanges while I am trying to isolate the conversation at various tables wondering, where in all of this chaos do I sit to write. I really like to just write and think, editing to refine my thought, a process of self-learning (my concept of that) I discovered a few years back around sixty-five usually I delete way before complete, I just need to think. I am self educated learned writing email to myself as a way to think deeper due to a suggestion from my psychiatrist trying to get me to stay in focus. I am computer and tech challenged, tried to understand blogging, Tumblr, Reddit, gave up too complicated… comments, tweets, reviews, and the like; these days even email, word limits not enough 'fighting room'. What I learned late in life thanks to writing was how to complete my thoughts on something, conversation never allowed me to do that. Anyway I am looking for advice, anything from 'You’re wasting your time' to 'Wow! try this, or that' any consideration of your time would be accepted and appreciated. I am going to write anyway, I am just wondering if the extra time editing to make it readable enough to feel I can post 'someplace' is worth it, if so any suggestions, ideas? Below is my last attempt to ease this feeling of needing to write something needing to be heard. I tried to email this internal conversation letter I wrote to myself trying to understand our current world situation. I sent it to the podcast, and internet news programs I frequent; but, I am sure it was filtered out as to long so spam or something. Hours seeking addresses to send and still most were returned as undelivered so I am giving up on that idea. But I did enjoy the goal setting process of seeing it through and completing the editing, to the point it seemed readable beyond me. And offering it to be read was a definite sensation of satisfaction; actually sending something was like opening a window, fresh air… a new car smell, so here I am trying again. Anything? Please and Thank You Gregg.

Submitted: November 03, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 03, 2016







Standing in the museum of my mind, through unclean protective glass I question the orange halo… my quest is to understand the artist choice of color, in this grand work 'Earth and Human History'.


Okay, a little focus. Here I am, ready to write this letter about something… about what? well it seems that is not yet fully in focus, so for now lets stay ambiguous and just say opinions. How to begin let's see something like Hello: Dear sirs: To Whom it may concern: or maybe, Hi There: or just Hi: I suppose those are the norms… but for me? Nah, it doesn't sound quite right. I don't think so, they’re just not my style. So whatever you are accustomed to, would like to see, think is proper... or, whatever your expectation might have been for the opening of this letter, please just consider it said. Whew, glad that's over... I hate that part, so now that it is over and I have begun I'm just going to begin. Seems in some strange way fate and I have chosen 'you'… for me, a disembodied mysterious reader in my mind who I like to write to when I need help understanding my world. Today I imagine that you are likely here by choice of curiosity, personal design of interest, or force of employment; but, who ever you are. First a bit of 'business', before the fun of assessing my view of that orange glow radiating through the storm clouds, this new surreal sun rising on the clouded horizon of our future. And a thought or two on the scary process I think I see displayed in our current world events, along with some reflection on the elections and debates, how I think they stand out illuminating our future possibility… oh, and how I think all that might work, maybe might anyway.



So, on to the business of getting into my business, or in the interest of demographics a quick bio; meaning I assume you need to place me in a pigeon hole of some sort, consider who is this writer the source of this letter. That I would be; a retired driver; trucks and buses, big and small, taxi cabs and lunch trucks… stuff with wheels. I am a self-taught tenth grade drop out, due to difficulty with an early developmental learning problem of some sort, doing online self-diagnosis tests and all Aspergers seemed closest. But in reality who knows, or cares what made me rebel and run a way at sixteen, then enlist in the Navy at seventeen becoming a Vietnam era disabled vet. Nothing major, thank God… but, a special thanks to those who were less fortunate than I when fate chose someone other than me to fill the billets of the fallen, there but for the grace of God... As for me only tinnitus and hearing loss due to working flight lines. I am an ex-alcoholic, hooray for me... thank you, it's been well over five years now. Over my life I have registered as a Republican, Democrat, and I think once Independent… currently as a Democrat. I have no memory of my reasoning in relation to the changes, it was; different people (including a very different me), times, and places. Whatever my early problems were left me socially challenged resulting in asexuality as my identity during a time of our history when none of that was understood either by me or the world in general. I remained uneducated scholastically and close to illiterate for my early years. As a confused loner always the perpetual odd man out, thus I never married or teamed up so I have no kids, few friends, and no romantic history. Due to my age, I turned seventy this year and I suppose because I have outlived most all of my family and friends, I currently live alone pretty much as an urban hermit… comfortably and blissfully alone, exactly the way I like it, for as long as my independence lasts anyway. Although I have to admit looking to the future, at the moment I see more of an open horizon as opposed to a well defined end lit tunnel. I live on a low fixed income, with my medical provided by the V.A. Financially I have social security and a V.A. disability payment the two totaling a tad over thousand dollars a month. I receive food stamps at thirteen dollars a month, and energy assistance at five hundred per year. I am very lucky because my condo is in a trust and I just maintain costs. With no rent other than association fees, taxes, insurance and upkeep so far anyway even with my savings dwindling and soon to be dwindled I seem to be doing okay, or at least I suppose I am content within my illusion… or delusions. I have been on the medical marijuana program for well over five years now, it was a miracle for me in many ways… but all that's another story, suffice it to say that it was, and still is… both a blessing and a curse. I 'cut the cord' about ten years ago and have been internet dependent since then, though essentially tech challenged beyond stuff like Netflix, YouTube, pod casts, Skyping daily with my lifelong friend and while still a bit of a struggle an occasional email. I try to check it weekly, if I remember, like snail mail always nothing anyway… I do not even have an old, nor understand how to use a new modern cellphone. Wow, 'modern' cellphone, now that sounded odd. But, beginning with my fathers Web T.V. thing, the word processor… for me, it was… well, sorry tears, again. My rebirth, a new dawn discovering this tool of self introduction… allowing me to arrange my mind through writing, finding even if only for me, there was a way to hear and find order in the chaos… a different way to think, making much of the overwhelming darkness go away. Discovered in my mid-fifties nothing short of a new language to see/hear myself think. It represents my current everything new by discovering new ways of thinking to forgive what's old... Anyhow that's enough about me and probably much more than needed, sorry one of those online search traits. All that said considering the possibilities and circumstance of my life I am grateful beyond the ability of my words to convey. Because rather than my current state of comfort for the majority of my life at this age of seventy plus if I was still alive I fully expected to be pushing a shopping cart, and holding a cardboard sign while eking out an impoverished life on the streets. All I can say is, for me, God is great and life is good. I would not change a single moment, and I have zero personal complaints about anything, ideas and opinions however... those are words flowing on a different air current soaring the winds of my mind, so now finally having cleared the hello and who me hurdles its on to the fun stuff. Thinking and opining about the absurdity I see around me, offering up for consideration of the cosmos a few of my most humble opinions. Maybe even the remotest possibility of shedding a little light on some as yet unthought possible direction that may serendipitous lead someone to an eventual solution for, well something, I guess… maybe, gee who knows where this goes.



Watching the election process as presented by the media has felt like watching cartoons for a while now, I did not think it was possible to out-weird the last two election's, I was wrong along with everyone else I guess. How can I express this? I am thinking something like a movie title, maybe a squeal to the hopefully not prophetic film Idiocracy, “The Missing Years” or “The Trump Years – from Obama to Camacho”. I'm just trying to think in the surreal non-reality that all this seems to be playing out in, it's a shame that weirding reality seems necessary to attempt to understand how this overall process might work… where to place the parts, find the straight edged and corner pieces of this jig saw puzzle. I think that there is a universal general cognitive dissonance of some sort becoming more evident, or in some way as a global society to me it seems that collectively, we are clouding our view of the shared reality that I/we share and experience. I seem to see it being displayed by various groups worldwide, an odd sense of exaggerated near hysterical support or denial in everything from our societal acceptance of Trump and his Midas's dreams, to Brexit, global warming denial, 9-11, even the middle east culture conflict, etcetera. I worry that many of these worldwide dangers for human continuance are at a dangerous tipping point. Like it or not, for better or worse civilization is how we define ourselves as the dominate species on the planet. I think that this disconnect is being displayed by an increasing large percentage of the population. I worry could it be symptomatic of something so big we don't see it, thinking unconscious or subliminal stress survival force or process technique in the overall evolutionary development of our 'human psyche', or our 'group think'. What I'm thinking of as our 'universal mind', our 'combined consciousness' or whatever you call the shared cooperative 'human' reality we create for ourselves cocooned within 'the natural world', or the overall universal reality around us… stuff like civilization, money, property, ownership, religion, government… good, evil, right, left, wrong, up, down without us humans 'universally' agreeing on a definition of what exists. Everything left unnamed yet to be measured and defined as 'actually' being and 'existing' within our agreed perception remains outside of that agreed 'human' reality… for us universally within our 'human' reality even God, until we agree in that 'universal' way is not a proven fact or a 'truth', remaining only idea or rumor. I am trying to think in/on whatever that cooperative agreement level is that we all agree on, or how we create the overall definition of our 'human reality'. What in our process is evolving with the passing of time as we continue to create a 'human' history that might explain my confusion? Quick pause, remember… aspergers whatever, not formally educated, very ill read. just an old retired truck driver with a bong, and a day or two to kill as one of a hundred random monkeys banging away. Okay, disclaimer about the digger and depth of this particular rabbit hole complete… we, Alice and I will attempt to continue.


What I am thinking might be going on, is many increasingly large segment's of our society splintering and succumbing to an involuntary evolutionary survival of the species response process; something felt and spread unconsciously like 'mob rule'. Or, what I vision as a powerful reactionary force radiating through a group causing a sense of confused panic augmented by a lack of direction, oh my God what to do. A general nervousness felt as an undefined requirement for immediate action, a reflex response to a feeling about something vague, almost like a pre-fear/fear. Like an undefined shadow of movement at the peripheral edge of vision, no time to look much less think… do something quick, just do something about something and now. Example one; due to a sudden wing cramp one starling in the flock shifted direction, for the others there is no need to know why in order to react. In this situation where it is protective numbers that is the prime defense against common enemies, for the individual the fight or flight decision is not necessary to fight back against a common shared threat. We as a species use those same population numbers for our defense, and we do it so successfully that 'for us' we are the only predators left. Destine to endlessly prey upon, and devour ourselves… can we effect the inertia of our nature?, to me it seems to continue we must.



Example two; In the general election a branch of republicans has broken off from the main herd. Growing in size due to the others hearing an unidentified sense of fear whispering follow the leader, any leader… in my surreal mind-scape, for us the election is sort of a human stampede as we run from an undefined sense of danger. What to do now? Each individuals agitation caused and amplified by sensing the increasing agitation of the others. Keeping our fears general and unknown or ill defined, that is how they become so big and unfathomable that the individual will give up. Vulnerable, they are feeling an innate need on a primal level for the protection of numbers within their chosen group, similar to following a sports team, monarchy, global warming skepticism, many versions of God, or a celebrity such as Trump. With natural tribal instinct they find comfort or relief by joining into a herd mentality. I am postulating here, but maybe our collective media powered imagination, with purpose or not is what collectively creates this shared dissonance? Maybe taking advantage of an innate common defense? Like starlings, and schools of fish we confuse our unknown enemies with infinite choice… who is the weakest? Decision slowing the attacker in turn aiding survival of the species, by listening to the whispers. Let's try this, can't get us all… some of us will survive, what ever the big 'it' is. Due to deep instinct we are in effect holding up our arms for protection, with hands covering eyes in defense because we are afraid to look directly at it, it's too big to take it all in there's not even enough time to acknowledge it actually exists… for a lot of us our unconscious sense of panic and urgency intuited from others is causing total political cliff-blindness, as we run. The horizon, or our vision of the future is being totally obscured… due to the individuals point of view being absorbed into the mindlessness of the herd, once entrapped… there is no longer an individual. Running in the herd we are lost in a sea of tall tales and fat asses blocking our view of reality, as our leaders expel their fog of truth and lie… a blinding cloud of bullshit due to the blending of said truth and lie, confusion resulting in blindness. There is no longer a comfort of personal belief offering a surety of direction, just run. All creating a sense in the country of I don't know what it is, but if everyone else is running… there must be something somewhere to fear, a need to run either to or from something. It's so scary and everyone is worried, but I don't know why… and who knows how fast the big 'it' is coming. Rather than take the time to look, or think… I'm just going to run and follow anyone in my herd that is not yet dead.



Aside from Trump-ism, which I see as symptomatic. I think there is a general undercurrent of undetermined fear based in our need to constantly change and adjust our society and culture in order to grow and adapt ourselves as we continue to create, and thereby complicate our human history… I think it is our collective unconscious within our particular chosen group recognizing the absolute need for 'change', you know that required by the reality of time 'universal constant'. It's the exponential increase of any change, creating and causing many new directions to amplify the original change; like a sea of mousetraps exploding their ping pong balls, in my mind that is what is causing the increasing sense of fear. The inertia of evolutionary change; in family, nation, religion, and culture multiplied by technology, and science all moving toward some anonymous somebodies good or evil. To change means everything must 'grow' from a boy to a man, from an idea to a nation everything grows until acted on. To grow it must devour something or someone, not me please… that is the fear, not me; not my ideas, not my culture, adjust something else leave my inertia alone. I think that it is a general questioning of the unknown aspects of seeing the speed of change. Change that used to require a generation now happens in a year or two. To me that is causing our generalized fear, increasing speed equals movement and that is what attracts our peripheral eye. Keeping us in perfect balance between fight and flight that's what holds us like a frozen deer in the headlights… mesmerized by the amount of light, here light is thought of as the constant flow of to much information. There is too much information to process, and every point of view is in conflict. Effectively eliminating both truth and lie leaving only suspicion and superstition as we regress into our past misconception. With no place firm to stand everyone is off balance, tilting between fight and flight… with no trust in left nor right, each whispering follow me trust our number no need for sight.


It seems to me that for a force, even the force of shared imagination such as an idea to be transferred; or radiated through a crowd, from a tavern gathering to a global population it still needs a vector or medium to travel through, along with something to be moving, a source of power to move anything, and because we are human... why to move it? Even the heat or solar energy necessary for life is radiating unseen through the atmosphere, without it there would be no crowd. So what is the medium or atmosphere allowing the spread of this fear, the fear of what to do… or where to stand in our rapidly changing world. This universally imagined state of unease that is flowing throughout our society at a time when everything is actually statistically better than ever… if one looks to history, it's really kind of weird.


Staying with this surreal mental visioning tool, what might the components be illustrated as; sorry imagined reader in the event you materialized, meaning if for some reason I decided to send this somewhere and I don't edit this out... playing the name game in my mind as I write, helps to create order in my mind it's an aid trying to make sense. Just helping me think. 'Sand' = information – as the 'substance'; information translated by the language of the mind into fear, joy, greed, benevolence, or any idea as a possible emotional trigger. It is providing the active ingredient that changes, controls, or alters 'universal thought', or what 'information agreement' creates the acceptance of a change within a group. The Sand, is blown on the 'Wind' = 'intention or reason' – what is allowing intentional direction to the blowing sand, creating an irresistible reason for the direction of moving information… as it is flowing into the void. The 'Void' = the 'missing' - substance, idea, understanding or process that is providing the vacuum to attract the blowing wind. The 'Media' = the 'medium or atmosphere' – what is allowing the movement of the wind, like an ocean allows it's current. Media here thought as anything providing the transfer of information, yes broadcast and print… but also thinking mom reading fairy tales aloud, notes passed in class, and the Yenta network around the water cooler. Any method for the transfer of information, truth or lie. 'Money' = the 'physical force' enabling the wind to blow powered by the strength of intention and reason as it attempts to fill a particular void with sand… when complete solidifying into a sun baked brick. 'Brick' = 'belief' or accumulated sand or information creating an understanding that something was previously missing by filling it's 'knowledge void' or what was a missing brick in the wall. As bricks accumulate we build the walls of our structures. 'Structure's' = society, civilization, culture, religion, the human accumulations of agreement or information allowing description that in turn allows the language of our interaction. 'Erosion' = the negative process of wind blown sand wearing on our structure. 'Dune' = erosion's opposite an individuals accumulation of sand and money representing stored intention and reason outside of, yet within established structures. We are like a dune in the desert collecting the ever changing wind blown informative sand as we are slowly growing our mountain, identified as separate… yet a growing part of the whole desert, maybe even eventually forming a future structure. Again pardon my digression, for me visualizing to write is a thinking aide… here establishing a 'mind-scape', as an imagined 'place' in the process of evolving.


So who, and what appear to be the biggest players in this imagined equation, and what might this 'fear' of change look like to my mob? The one I am trying to imagine myself being in. If just suspected 'information' something that is still a maybe well before it's truth or lie, it is still only a rumor of an unseen change coming. Only predicted and yet it creates a deeply sensed feeling of fear 'before' any change actually happens. How is fear found when there's nothing to see… no smell, no audio and nothing to touch … yet physically felt as I need to run or act and it better be soon, I'm wondering what was sensed to create this sense of dread? Over the years at different times in my history I have felt this, I'm trying to recall… I am not sure why, but the sensation is almost like; … I'm four, Dad just turned out the lights. I am alone with no night lite, this is new. A new dark, I know for a fact there is more to 'this' dark, I'm not sure what… but, this dark has a… texture? I can feel it and it feels different than anything I felt before… darker, too dark, strangely… empty? Somehow even more than empty… I'm alone, distant… there is a sense of separation, abandonment, absence, I'm totally lost. But I know I'm here, I feel gravity… this is home, my room… wait I'm lost at home, in my room... huh? Okay I'm back, so last time I remember that I sensed this feeling of fear and serious concern watching the unknown direction of my unfolding fate from the center of my darkness, or my 'knowledge void'. Unaware of my surroundings while facing a decision, must I respond to some undefinable danger all the while having no clue. I'm thinking, I know it's there… I feel it back there, I just have no current reference points for this, no memory of anything like being in this 'place' of new darkness. This strangely felt ominous tension and fear caused by an absence of information or reference points all about something imaginary. Come on, just let go...think what does this sense of fear 'look' like. Ah, there it is. … It is coming and fast, it is going to be big, very big; but we don't know what it is, or what it looks like, but it is for real and you can fully 'anticipate' because it absolutely will be here on this specific date, we think, so better pay attention because there is a deadline or an ending… oh no an ending… who dies? So the election is like Y2K, 2012?, someone's yelling hurry dust out the bomb shelter. An information void squared by way too much ambiguous maybe information, too much to process with no definition between truth and lie, run this way right, no left, not sure? just follow us… no they are all wrong nothing is happening relax, but just in case buy my book about this other stuff. This way, no do this other thing… just worry a lot, and buy stuff. I gave up thinking and worrying. Decided I'll take my chances right here, no bunkers in the boondocks… I saw to many videos, the woods are more dangerous than staying home. Maybe even more so than sleeping rough downtown Vegas, but then like now watching the news I feel my sense of comfort found in my logic is in the minority. The uncomfortable doubt that there is a stable path for mankind's evolving beyond our ability to destroy ourselves is very easy to bring to mind, because in the 'media' it is everywhere… I might ask why is it so much easier to find dystopian endings predicted in the media. Everyday… from the news that I see as my daily soap opera, to the top ten movies? I think it is because; we as humans need to find our purpose, or solve something… hopefully everything, that is what we do as a species we think, change, and adapt… we just have to find something to fix, so we keep breaking stuff? Come on. We are the tool guys. Hopefully the good guys as we are also the last chance guy's, if we don't save it… for us whatever this is, it too, we will also pass.


We need to fix the 'media', our little fish bowl is a mess… we need to clear the atmosphere, I'm choking on the pollution there's not enough truth to breath. I turn on most any broadcast news and beyond the current, which celebrity is in detox news, leading a story of unrest in the streets someplace in the world, if I'm lucky if a cat fell into a sewer and was saved, or it's straight to the latest political scandal, to end with a health scare. On a good day if I'm extremely lucky maybe it's going to be good weather tomorrow. News is news and I can only blame the news media for being out of balance with their choice of coverage as it lay within the limits of what their audience will permit. But truth is a solemn duty and a responsibility after all the 'media' one is exposed to during their life is the only chance a person has to know any truth about anything, before time allows the heat of history to distill the lie. A mother tries her best to decide on healthy foods for her child, she seeks the truth by reading the labels 'media'… I am not a mother, but I read the same lies and omissions. She turns to something like Fox news to learn of the workings of the world, her hungry child ask for a crust of knowledge… can she trust the ingredients of her answer, her child's mind is hungry and will be sated. Is his trust in her at risk, due to her ingestion of lies, and half truths. Will not they both be judged through out their lives by their inability to process garbage data presented to them by the only information source available the 'media' they are exposed to.


So who's media, which media, all media? If the white noise of the media visioned as a universe sized snowy hologram made up of an infinity of sandy pixels composed of random bits of information, is it necessary that the abrasive blown sand is eroding our common good, seems that it must also be the substance building that same good. Sand is both substance of the mountain and the teeth of the wind. Both how to build a house, and how to build a wreaking ball are accumulated bits of information, so the concept of information must be neutral. I am sure it is my age but I am in shock, this is not my reality I remember things like truth in advertising, equal time required for the airing of political positions. Truth was the 'obvious reality', it was the 'answer' my answer… but, there is no profit there, nothing to 'sell' other than air. If it is not 'rare' it has no value, so we monetized the truth, to seek it is now a commodity to be sold. The truth in 'media' is still there merely hidden, stored behind the unseen magician’s walls of illusion… want to live in truth?, can you pay? afford admittance?; is this by design? with intention? An egg scrambled, information sliced and diced, impossible to reassemble? By who and why? Where now, can I find my truth? I am atilt and lost searching truth to build my trust, find my balance… where is my Mommy, not home because logic dictates she is as lost as me.



What, when, why and how did all that change? Continuing my problem identity search if information is the neutral carrier of the force or enabler for change. Well then, according to my little theory the problem is money, or the economy… so just what does an economy do?, the way I see it. Remember the it's the bored old guy writing to pass time, the one without formal education… so no 'real' understanding of economics and all that, nothing beyond my monthly budget woes. I'm just reflecting on my life experience lived as a black sheep on the outskirts of our structured society, as I sit on a grassy knoll in my mind watching the rest of the sheep in my flock, they graze in the valley below I am merely imaging how they might think. To me the structures and systems we build as our economy work by enabling pooling or grouping of money along with it's representative power creating structures or power control centers by retaining varying amounts of human effort, represented as money. The accumulated power being exponentially amplified by its increasing monetary growth. It enables a process we use to form and build our structures of 'human' reality, for better or worse. Over centuries, countless lifetimes of human effort consolidated, and reduced to paper ledgers… as we create our history, were we less civilized we would believe we owed our ancestors more respect. My thought that information is neutral seems to lay the blame on money, but does that make sense, in our systems of handling our interactions money is also neutral responsible for both building and decaying the structures of our society. So how did we end up here? I think maybe because we made money into an absolute necessity, when we created money we gave the 'idea' and that's all it is, greater power than our Gods, they are also our 'ideas'… in today's world you can live without a structured belief, but to live and actually be alive within society we inserted money between life and death as the embodiment of an almighty and necessary God. To continue toward our destiny as a species we evolved the concept of 'value' applied to rarity, creating want, lust, greed etcetera, and in turn created 'money' to enable trade in every rarity. The idea of an economy began as we grew our unity from family clan to nation, we needed to develop and expand our protection of numbers as a tool to survive in a world of predation… to enable the evolution of cooperation beyond self-protection of the individual family, we needed the enforcement of an almighty power to control our nature. Second only to air, in our society money is needed for food, water, shelter, even acceptance as being an approved 'human'… admittance to a civilized life has been monetized, and the bouncer we hired at the door to maintain our economic caste system is fate powered by a non-human heart. I think that we are 'the tool guys' we created the idea of money as a very creative tool to cause cooperation and inhibit competition's raw aggression as we built our society, a tool we have both learned to use and misuse… so if the economy is natural and also neutral, where is the evil in money? Intention ah yes that must be the culprit, yet with a second to think… also neutral, decide or intend to build a bank or rob a bank. So where is it, the big 'it' causing me/us so much difficulty? Think…who to blame, where's the shame. Alice's cat Dinah spins the discarded vial, bottle spinning on the chalked side walk visual in my mind… four arcs to choose the circle I need a name, where will it stop? In my mind's eye there's nothing left to find, everyone's truth hiding lie being equally unkind… as human I feel shame, for I know I share the same blame I cannot name.


Thinking about our current situation in the light of who, where and why 'they/it' might hold the responsibility or blame for all this; at least as far as something easily definable for me is proving a pointless endeavor, outside of our random 'humanness' as we deal with our evolution; for me I find there is no real there there to find blame. The way it looks to me, all or at least a good part of this process of devolving our society can be summed up in my mind under the umbrella of unfortunately enabling our economic systems with 'unlimited' corporate power. Not the people in the system they are just doing what people do, and the system will allow. Rather I choose to look at the systems mindless power source that we have collectively agreed to 'allow' in order to enable it… to enable the economic systems power over us, to make it an all powerful God we needed to arm it with lightening bolts. Giving it the power to destroy everything human from an individual or family, to a city or nation… an institution of charity, or subculture of hate. Power of total destruction at the whim of a nonhuman 'entity' for any unexplained reason to profit, it's growth justified without the necessity of intention or reason... growing without intention or direction, following the most basic logic… merely to grow. I see unconscious corporate growth much like something I saw in a TED talk about slime mold, in a lab with no brain or intelligence needed, no sense of sight or smell to know direction, still it will with unnerving accuracy and a minimum effort wasted in error find the easiest way to network all of it's food sources. With such 'skill' it was said that it can solve without using any math, or logic any complexity of the salesman's network routing problem, no brain or nervous system with apparent ease it just grows forming it's structured environment. That is what nature can do with out a precious human brain, are we restricted to that 'nature'? Or must we continue to fall prey to it? Is it something our evolution that needs to be dealt with? Is anyone paying attention? From my perspective, remember me furry guy, seat number 68 banging away dreaming about banana's. Anyway to me our society seems to understand this blind corporate power from a child's point of view, like when young looking up at a parental decision to solve some incomprehensible family need, just follow with unsought acceptance. Your economic pain is something that is necessary for the benefit of the overall human family, so just take it in stride… as I see it, our current version of an economy is more like our evolution growing a new branch of the family tree, in a direction that in my mind we need to merely adjust. From my restricted little bubble perspective as I see it most of the large corporations on the planet were created as our 'monsters of the id' designed to operate mindless of the common good in the service of needs and desires that were idealized by it's originator; right out of the movie 'Forbidden Planet'. Knowingly or not it seems to me we created our corporate machinery in their ilk, to operate on a non material plane of existence designed through complexity of legal language to be unseen and all powerful, fulfilling the needs of a few without concern while operating outside of the perception of reality for the general population thus untouchable by anyone on the planet. Worked well for a few, for awhile anyway according to the movie, until everyone was dead… sounds familiar to me. I wonder if in the book on the subject planet when whoever sold the idea to the entire population did they know these id monsters have no heart or concern that they will fulfill everyone's desire at any cost until nothing was left, proverbial nano-bots, what could go wrong. I suspect again truth was devoured by greed's lie… speaking of corporate power and monsters I am resisting a Trump speech remark, but as he would say I got much more class than that. I am the classiest, huge class. I would never point out that he is kinda big, loud, and scary. I would never mention that tyrannosaurus-Rex also had pretty small hands… and he does seem to cast way too big of a shadow, and well you know when he talks he kinda resembles a transformer thing. Or so I've heard, from sources... I, you know, trust, 'they' said because you know I would never say something like that… way too classy; the classiest ever... ever… yeah, huge class.


Using purposefully undefined as truth or lie information in advertising from selling toothpaste to how to think about the elections is to disadvantage the buying public, applied competition using implied justice… you need this, want this, buy this, you need to believe this, question 'them', love this, hate that. All too much misinformation flooding in claiming to be fact or 'truth' to create our selective blindness; I think our society structure is being eroded by our species evolutionary process, we are unconsciously collectively testing a natural innate unconscious direction or 'possibility' by a process of distortion. Changing or adapting what 'human' reality is by asking will this idea be accepted, will it work, lets test it. Like a computer a sub process in our 'western civilization way of thinking' (my concept of that), like a program virus in whatever controls our 'group' thought. Maybe it's just my generational challenge but to me it seems something is trying to advance or strengthen in our society the concept that profit over people makes incredible sense because it builds stuff. If left unthought as 'inhuman' as that is, effectively making human misery a commodity to be traded; it still makes sense, because we humans find great importance in building… its what we do, grow buildings and stuff all over the planet. Family to clan, tribe to nation… desert to oasis, idea to religion. Our nature is to create, we all unconsciously want to play builder man with our information learning blocks and our wonderful how to do it tinker toys… even me here writing this 'media', in my mind's eye I have an audience I am trying to impress and sway, building a concept with my words for imagined potential readers, existent or not they are my tool of explaining to my self what I see as building my truth. So even in my solitude I also yearn to build my dune with my amassed information bricks, I build my structure of thought to question my likeness to God… ah once again I find my self in the herd, matter of scale. Sometimes its a bitch when you look at the dryer and see your setting is always on normal.


Corn chips to politics we use advertising (getting the word out) funded by good as well as evil to empower both our good and darker side. To be effective profiteers or saviors when we advertize we lie, exaggerate, belittle, disguise and deceive… followed by justify, excuse, and purpose our decision to impose on someone's group think. I think I'm finally narrowing it down, at least for me… it is all about the truth, hiding or twisting the truth = lost trust. I no longer 'trust' my sense of reality as it is presented by the 'media' that I am exposed to. Not my physical senses, gravity is still there… if I was on a pacific island unknowing and alone, everything would be the same. It is not in the air, not in that atmosphere, it's the 'media' I am exposed to. The id-ite's we created are chiseling away at my intellect trying to find the common 'human' denominator, because the perfect consumer has an intellectual vacuum to both create and fill, when reading the label they must be unable to see the truth because we have taught them the lie is bigger… more important, so just buy this. There is my four year old's sense of absence alone in the dark I cannot 'see' the truth of what surrounds me, this is a new darkness I do not understand… by showing me nothing but facts that are in conflict and actually manage to contradict themselves, they create an inseparable non-reality in contact with the one I know. Explaining to myself what is 'real', finding truth's fact is becoming more challenging. The fear is having no idea what to do, cubed by too much to choose… re-multiplied by a lack of truth in fact, all equating to my sense of frozen immobility.


So can we fix anything? I wrote a letter to the Rachael Maddow show a while back complaining about the monotony of the ads. I was in a serious 'need to vent' crisis moment, and I actually sent the letter I was so upset. Most likely only a timing coincidence but something changed, the ads went away… so maybe I was actually read and contributed, seems unlikely but thinking I will send this too because who knows. Usually I just write like this as a way to think and organize my thoughts, but I rarely send… usually delete, or leave as forgotten fodder taking up disc space. From a senseless paragraph or two to something endlessly reedited like this, I have been writing on this one off and on for several weeks. Began it just after Clinton won the primaries. Anyway this connection to the general dissonance I see watching the elections has been brewing for a few months and still retains a sense of growing urgency to write/think about it. Last week I was at the keyboard almost daily and still it's increasing so I know I will feel a strong urge to send this also… to who? That's tough, there are so many I'll decide when or if, then becomes now... I guess.


That last written 'I guess' was yesterday, today is the twenty first of October… wow an actual date, reeks of commitment I must be serious. Okay, I have decided to take a chance and send this as written so far. It will continue but off and on with gaps that could be a week or two, I may even forget about it for a month or more. Since the second debate I have felt relieved that the spectacle of the election was finally transparent enough to show Trump's nakedness in blinding detail. Like bridge gate and botched snow removal, fat shaming was an empathy button everyone instantly related to, crossed all platforms from political to gender… this mistake was the emotional tension easing tsunami causing quake I was waiting for, in typical Trump style it was huge, an easy 10. Thinking he had a different 10 in mind, but I may not 'need' to write as much for a while. I'm not very savvy about this format, how these emails are handled, filtered and sorted at the other end. Over well seven thousand words, oops over eight, sounds like a filter dump to me. Maybe it dose not matter, I was gonna dump it anyway, so maybe it's not even read at all, so what. I suppose that's possible, since I heard that most people who read email in this day of twitter sort of panic seeing more than two sentences. If that is you; and you made it all the way here I am sorry… it is just that I see so much confusion about the election process discussed in everything I see and hear online. Unusual but for a change everyone seems as confused as me so I thought maybe by sharing my struggle as I fight with this insanity… by putting it out there I might help someone reach a more meaningful understanding. If that is possible, and if I actually said anything new… which I doubt because I am so ill read, meaning everything here may only be one huge redundancy. Since starting to write this way a few years back, discovering a part of me I had not known before… I feel a sense of gratitude screaming for expression, and also a sense of mysterious guilt attached to my silence. So I give up, I'm sending. My writing skills at least to me seem to be improving enough to be generally understood, this writing style or whatever it is I use helping me think is a new thing. I decided to try and learn to expand… I am only entertaining myself, in essence I have an audience of one. Only offering a ride.


Anyway it is what it is, such as it is. Odd I'm still undecided who to send it to, but I will, hope that is not a bad thing for you. I am so tech challenged I just have no idea how to join the conversation, I thought about and tried blogging that was a no go, way too complicated. Comments did not work, I'm just way to wordy, I prefer to dive deep, have no other way to go… at least yet. So I thought I would try emailing I know that I go on and on, but if by some chance you are interested in more. I have thoughts on paying for online media, newspapers, podcast, video and such differently… or in an agreeable fashion for me at least. Looking forward to writing about the possible effects of the election. In the calm following the storm, or the center of its passing eye… I want to contemplate sympathy and understanding concerning the Donald, by focusing on the obverse of the coinage left in his wake… try to learn the lessons to be written in history's text. Maybe instructively connect some dot's related to our loathsome lack of concern regarding mental health, a line of thought inspired by expanding on Aimee Mann's song “Can't You Tell” heard on the “Trumpcast” podcast. But mostly I can't wait for the distraction of this election to go away so I can write/think on more important stuff, I'm past seventy now and I want to deep think my before and after this lifetime, where did I come from and where am I headed. So your telling me death is more fun to think about than Trump? Sorry that's me. But, like I said I am also very interested in expanding my thoughts on the path I see to fix, or change the way we pay for online media. After rethinking the concept I sent Rachael in the heat of frustration as not effective or implementable and watching video's about new technologies I am not sure I understand I'm trying to connect dots in a way to address corporate media control, or change it maybe… who knows maybe even fix it, need time. Okay Gregg, when you sat down with Alice which one of those little vials did you sip from… or was it the mushroom, again. Yo Alice, where's the bong... it seems he let Dinah in again, and the caterpillar thinks he can fix it. Things may begin to get interesting. But I/we am/are going to have to wait, a bit… later, well maybe anyway. Caio, Gregg.


P.S. any reply or suggestion where to occasionally think n write, post, or whatever would be welcome, especially if accompanied with a how to explanation. I decided to send this to a selection of the media I use online, not sure how many it's still a bit of a scary thought, but sincere... anyway if needed, please be kind. If accepted beyond my expectation my further response must be understood to be provisional, especially related to respecting my time… this is an entertaining but slow process for me, not quite hunt and peck but close, I may be spry but I'm a fairly old rooster.




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