Little Red Robbing Hood

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic
Little Red Robbing Hood and her band of nursery rhyme characters hijacks the king's treasures.

Submitted: November 07, 2016

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Submitted: November 07, 2016

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A carriage pulled by a team of white horses weaved it’s way down a dirt path cut through the dark woods.  A band of soldiers surrounded the coach, protecting it’s cargo.  Inside was a chest full of gold coins, jewels, and some juicy plums to snack on.  A heavy man, known as Humpty Dumpty was in route to deliver the goods to King Cole.  Mr. Dumpty worked for the king and was in charge of collecting taxes from the counties that surrounded Sherbet Forest.  He was mean, hard, and would boil if a tax payment could not be made.  He was simply a bad egg.

An old Hickory Dickory Dock tree had fallen and blocked the pathway causing the caravan to stop.  “Why are we not moving!”  Dumpty bellowed as he spit out a plum seed. “There’s a tree blocking our route,” a timid soldier answered.  “Well move it before I come out there and give you salmonella!” Dumpty ordered.  The kings men jumped off their horses and began to lift the giant log as they whistled “Louie, Louie.”  (None of them knew the lyrics.)

A “whoosh” was heard as an arrow soared in the wind and embedded into a soldier’s back. 

Little Boy Blue blew his horn and arrows filled the air as the military entourage began dropping like dead soldiers--because they were.  The trees were filled with a band of hooligans.  They were outcasts of every shape and size.  There was Jack Sprat who was wanted for licking plates.  Little Miss Muffet who was up on charges of stealing curds and whey.  Peter Pumpkin Eater for spousal abuse.  And, Georgy Porgy who was booted out of town for making girls cry.  (Sexual harassment was not tolerated by any means.)  These were just of a few of the notorious felons who had found refuge in the forest.  These merry fugitives were led by a tiny outlaw named Little Red Robbing Hood--a young rebel who had gained notoriety by splitting a big bad wolf’s skull with a picnic basket.  She hit him right between the great big eyes.

Humpty Dumpty grabbed his treasure chest and waddled as fast as he could through the dense wood side.  Huffing and puffing, he was soon cornered by Jack Horner.  Humpty pulled out a dagger.  Jack, realizing he was walking on egg shells, knew he had to be nimble and quick.  He was an expert with a candle stick and threw it at the rotten egg.  Dumpty dove out of the way and rolled down the hill.  It was a great fall.  He was found in pieces, still clutching his gold and jewels.  They knew they couldn’t put him back together again, nor did they want to.  That night the group feasted on a large omelet and danced to the music of the cat and the fiddle until the wee wee hours.

Little Red Robbing Hood began tormenting the king after escaping from the royal dudgeon.  She had been arrested for refusing to pay taxes and for illegal tiddlywinks’ gambling.  Laying low in a shoe with an old woman named Hubbard, Red blended in with her children and, whenever the leather domicile was raided, Hood would hide in a cupboard filled with dog bones.  At night, she would sneak out and linger in the town pub.  Skipping around and twirling her skimpy cape, the wily scamp would entice drunk soldiers into the back alley.  In the darkness, she would sneak up behind the unsuspecting lush and klunk him over the head with her picnic basket and steal his satchel of coins. The confiscated loot would be distributed to the poor.  Folks like the Sow family.  (They were three little pigs that had recently lost their house in a highly suspect, freakish wind storm.)

Word about the hooded Samaritan began to spread through the township of Hill and Dale.  On the run, she escaped into the forest and found refuge in a tiny house made of candy.  The sugar shack was owned by a chubby German couple named Hansel and Gretel.  They were more than happy to hide the little girl.  Once upon a time--during The Great Banger and Chip Famine--Red had raided the king’s food supply coaches and delivered some bratwurst, wienerschnitzel, and Jarlsburg cheese to the starving twosome.

Ole King Cole was growing frustrated by the day over the little bandit.  He order a decree stating that “whoever so bringith in--dead or alive--the head of Little Red Robbing Hood, shall receive six hundred pence and a blackberry pie.”  The hunt was on for the trouble-making vixen.

Partisan sympathy was on the side of Hood.  Criminals about to be arrested would flee to Red’s hideout where she would teach them the art of robbing and pillaging.  Mary, a klepto, was on the lam for stealing a lamb from Bo Peep--the king’s mistress.  Hood welcomed the new recruit and found her quite contrary.  Some of the other gang members included seven dwarfs, three bears, and Rapunsel, a rebellious little run away who refused to have her hair cut to the king’s specifications.  Disobedience meant death and Rapunzel did not wish to wind up like her dear friend Goldilocks.

The band wreaked havoc over Hill and Dale.  Taking from the collectors, Hood’s hoodlums distributed it back to the poor population.Jack and Jill finally had a nest egg to get married, and a brand new pale to boot.  The three men or “domestic partners” could buy that tub they had their eye on and rub-a-dub all day long.  And Mildred, a neurotic cow, could now afford psycho analysis for her little problem of trying to jump over the moon.  Little Red Robbing Hood had brought oodles of happiness to the countryside.

The king sat on his throne, tapping his fingers.  Anger had seeped into his merry ole soul.  Then, as if slapped in the face with a buggy whip, an insidious idea emerged.  What if he could somehow lure the little trollop into a trap?  “Yes, a trollop trap,” he mumbled to himself as he giggled.  The bait would be a chili cook off.  He had learned of Red’s fondness for the culinary arts from an eency weency spider that had briefly befriended Muffet, a member of the elusive gang.

While Red was in the middle of a ring-a-round-the-rosy session, Jack Sprat sprinted into the camp with a royal flier.“Hear ye!  Hear ye!” Jack cried.  “We hear ye loud and clear,” Peter Pumpkin Eater snapped.  “Go lick a platter clean!” Georgy Porgy quipped causing the troupe to explode in laughter.  Sprat continued, “Saturday, the king is having a ‘Silly Chili Cookin’ Dilly.”  Red snatched the paper from the messenger’s hand.  Her big blue eyes widen as they beam full of excitement.  “Hmm, first prize is 3,333 shillings and a set of Allclade kitchenware.  Enticing.  Very enticing,” she said as she curled her hair with her finger.  “You can’t show your face there, Red.  They’ll kill you.  They’ll kill you, I tell you,” Mary pleaded as she nibbled on a lamb chop. Red smiled, “I’ll be fine Mary.  My chili is scrumptious.  Now, go grab me some silver bells and cockle shells from your garden.”

The beautifully decorated castle grounds were a buzz that Saturday morning.  Damsels in colorful ballooning dresses paraded around, teasing the men in tights.  Horses trotted around, also teasing the men in tights.  Various games were scheduled throughout the day.  Activities like jousting, stake burnings, and duck duck goose.  But, the majority of the people were there for the big event, “The Silly Chili Cookin’ Dilly.”

King Cole perched himself in the balcony overlooking the crowds.  Next to him was Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum -- his right and left hand men.  Below, on hundreds of tables, were pots and kettles of chili brought from every town in the country.  One of the Tweedles bellowed, “Let the tasting begin!”  The tasting judges had been hand picked by the king.  They were three bears who had gained notoriety for their succulent porridge dishes.

Scouring the contestant pool, the king mumbled under his breath, “She’s here.  I know she’s here, but where?”  The bears made their way down the long chili line.  Using a fork, they dip it into each container.  (They could not use a spoon because the night before it had run off with a dish.)  A glob of chili was swished around the mouth then graded on taste, texture, and the length of time it remained on the pallet.  For the most part, the bear tasters found the chili either too hot or too cold.  However, two recipes were found just right.  One of them was made by a Peter Piper, who used a peck of pickled peppers that he had picked to add zest and flavoring to his spicy concoction .  The other was prepared by a hunched over elderly woman who’s face was concealed by a knitted shawl. 

“We have a tie for “The Silly Chili Cookin’ Dilly,” the pudgy bear called to the king.  A thunderous applause rang out.  King Cole made his way down to greet and congratulate the lucky winners.  “Bravo, my loyal chefs,” the king said with a smirk.  He plunged his bony finger into Peter’s crock then rub it on his non bony tongue.  “Yummy” he replied.  He slithered in front of the feeble woman and took a sample of her chili dish.  “Now this one,” the king paused.  “This one leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  Don’t you think... Little Red Robbing Hood?” the king sneered while ripping the shaw off the petite girl’s head.  “My, what a big ugly face you have” Red retorted.  “Seize her!” the king yelled.

Red leaped on the table and kicked a bowl of chili into the king’s eyes.  A pinto bean lodged in his nose and the spices burned his nostrils, causing him to release a blood-curdling scream.  Red scampered across the tables giggling and doing cartwheels.  Soldiers frantically chased the nuisance.  They cornered her in, of all places, a corner.  With swords drawn they moved in on the thieving tyke. 

From the tower above, the sweet sound of a horn reverberated.  It was Little Boy Blue.  Suddenly, Red Hood’s gang of merry men and women emerged from the crowd.  Losing their disguises, they began to assault the soldiers.  Georgey Porgey whipped pudding pies in their face. Muffet flung tuffets.  Sprat heaved fat.  And Peter, could spit a pumpkin seed sixty paces with the force of a kicking mule, rendering a man unconscious. 

Bamboozled, the royal army was an easy target for the forest felons.  They began to drop like... something that falls real fast to the ground.The ones who survived the onslaught ran for the hills.  They would eventually be captured by the Jack and Jill clan.

The panicked king witnessing the debacle, ran to the stables.  Red, in the midst of hand-to-hand combat, finished off her foe by biting his ear.  (A move she had learned from Sir Tyson of Ringside.)  She began to rush after the king but was blindsided with a Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum body sandwich.  While she lay on the ground gasping for air, the pair began to taunt and tease her.  Flashbacks of her older brother danced in her head.  With the strength of three kittens and a rabbit, she leaped up and whirled into a tantrum.  Kicking and screaming, she knocked the two bullies to the dirt and then unmercifully beat them with her trusty picnic basket.  It wasn’t pretty, but she knew her grandma would be proud.

The king had managed to climb on a horse, of course.  Emerging from the livery, his heart jumped when he saw her--the notorious Little Red Robbing Hood.  Flashing an icy cold stare, she stood before him, panting, with her hands on her hips.  “Leaving so soon, Cole?” she mused.

“You pesky little tramp,” muttered the king.  “I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you,” Red said as she stuck out her tongue.  “You’re nothing but a meddling brat,” the king snapped.  “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,” Red sang out while dancing in a circle.  Furious, the king dug his heels into the horse’s side.  In a full gallop, the beast darted forward towards the sassy little princess in hopes of breaking her bones.  A high pitched scream reverberated throughout the castle as the stallion raged over the hood of Hood.

Sensing the end had finally arrived for the little girl, King Cole charged towards the forest.  Oblivious to him, Red had managed to climb up the horse’s leg and was now gripping tightly to it’s tail, her legs flailing in the wind.  With the determination of a hungry wolverine, she pulled herself up and over the horse’s rump.  Steadying herself, she pounced on the king’s back.  She buried her tiny hands into his royal scalp and tugged on his stringy hair. He cried out in pain and profanity.  He reached back and attempted to release the pest.  It was too late, Red had wrapped her legs around his neck and was playing patty cake on his head.  The speeding horse had now entered the woods.  Choking and turning blue, the king, in a last ditch effort, was able to free the vice-like grip of the menace.  He lifted Hood in hopes of slamming her to the rocky ground below.  His plan was quickly terminated when a tree branch collided with his nose -- dislodging a pinto bean. Cole tumbled off the horse while Red hung on by the lengthy, course mane. 

Robbing Hood eventually brought the equine animal under control.  Looking over the motionless body of the king, she noticed he had fell down and broke his crown.  After a sigh of relief, she took his silver, jewelry, and gold fillings, then covered his face with her hood.  Heading into town, she was greeted by a cheering crowd chanting “You da man!.” 

The church recognized Red as a martyr and after her death, she was deemed a saint and entered the sainthood as… Saint Hood.  The kingdom was abolished and a socialist government was put in place.People would still have high taxes but instead of the funds going for a king’s toe manicure, the money would go towards education, welfare, and Medicare.  Everyone now had free prescription drugs and because of that, they all lived happily ever after.


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