train ride

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: November 09, 2016

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Submitted: November 09, 2016

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I met this girl few years back on a train leaving to Bucharest. She seemed a bit off, wearing this invisibility cloak that only select few could notice. After a wail I decided to slowly and discreetly as possible sit across her.  When I sat down, there was this subtle movement on her cheek, any other person wouldn’t noticed it and would have thought she was ignoring them, but there was a twitch of her cheek and it meant she noticed me. For the next 38 min, and yes at exactly that time, I looked on my watch, my body wouldn’t move, it probably looked like I was stunned with something in my ass, trying to come with the next strategic move of mission Unicorn. Should I say something first, do I move my leg as a sign of willingness to communicate or should I wait for her to take the next step. I have to be careful not to scare her, she is after all a rare species of humans. Like a unicorn they can easily be spooked. The approach must be delicate and discrete. Finally the next step was reached. We looked at each other at the same time, smiled and looked away. After that we spoke for a 43minutes, her stop station was near so our travel ended, last look was exchanged after that I only remember my mind going everywhere. I started to analyse everything starting with her.  And it went: she is private, rarely speaks her thoughts unless asked directly… won’t bother you unless necessary….. a romantic, fantasy world in her head….. will support her family no matter what, friends a bit selective, you need to pass some test before joining… possible nervous brakes about random things she cares on the other hand a cold harded bitch. – I would like to know different parts of her mind, thoughts she has every day, but just don’t have the questions. - Her biological age is young so a potential of her being is still been discovered. Her desire is to be noticed by someone and seeing her potential. There are some fears present, like the fear of death which I don’t understand, maybe she sees something I don’t, a life worth living the excitement. We die that is a fact and we live that also is a fact and we are afraid of both that is an irony, we hear we should live that life is more important than death. They are both facts and we are afraid of them both. Therefore living shouldn’t be more important than death when living we are aware where death brings nothing, just uncertainty. From that we can conclude that we are more afraid of death since only when hitting rock bottom and facing death we start living, we overcome the fear.
Switching to the next sub thought: if we are here for no reason how come we feel fear at all, it shouldn’t matter we live or die, after all we are nothing.
Switch; does it matter which decision we make, which door we keep close and which open. We can do anything we want.
Switch; right now some chips would be great.
Switch; am I headed in the right direction…
Switch; …
Someone bumped in me, knocking me out of my zone, my eyes automatically shifted to the left side looking at the time - 18.52 - . From that moment everything is black, like I was on some sort of autopilot. Again catching myself looking at the watch - 19.00 - , it’s the about time when I usually arrive home. That is when I usually start thinking about why does this keep happening, is the way over here so boring, do I get in a some state of meditation while walking and etc.. It is some sort of a routine; observing, approaching, analysing, engaging, thinking, blacking out, thinking watching TV and sleeping, this are the processes of every single day for 2 months.

There are so many questions popping out and being distracting. Wouldn’t shut off, getting more intense with every moment, until they overflow my mind and disappear before I could find just one answer. Then is when Netflix saves me and sings a movie lullaby and I fall asleep.

For the next few days I was constantly thinking about her, seeing her everywhere but it was never her, so I started to wonder if it was from the very beginning all just an illusion. So strong desire it altered my mind. To create someone merely on desire, that is extreme. But why would you even do such a thing, what is missing in your daily life that you are longing to meet someone so badly? To be special to someone? So many questions, few answers. Question after question in record speed.
When this happens, I have no control, usually the solution is to get high then maybe I get few more answers or just questions slow down for a few notches. But even then the only thing going on in your head right now is how would you like to stop exist right now. You start to wonder who thought of a word alien, it has two meanings after all and you are able to relate to it on so many levels.
 It’s not so out of ordinary for me to analyse others, it’s just this time I am doubting myself whether she was real. So the only thing left to do was that I take the same train to Bucharest until I meet her again, and that is what I did for the next year or so, as you probably figure out it was an a expensive ride. To be honest I really didn’t have anything better to do. You could imagine me as an 80 years old granny caught in a body of a 22 years old young adult, no friends, no family and no support system. Granny has her cats, well I had this train ride.

Eventually I managed to distracted myself with a story, one of my friends told me:

He just sits there all day in his wooden chair, staring out of the window. He never eats, drink do anything but stare out of that little window. People occasionally come to check him if his still alive, feed him some food and leave. Never did anyone just sat down and be his company. Except for one chap. A little bit strange. There was a something about him you couldn’t point out, a strange quietness, which brought a sense of calmness. This day already started a bit off, the window he was staring trough was open, someone forgot to close it when they visited, so all the sounds from the outside broke in forcing him to move, since he wasn’t used to them, they only caused a distortion in a routine. That day nobody familiar visited, just the strange gentleman. He wasn’t much older than, what 20 years probably still in college. But that didn’t matter, what matter was he took the time to sit next to him and watch through the window, they sat there for nearly an hour when suddenly Roger, the older man turned his head and looked him in the eye. He spoke only: I have never met another person with whom I would enjoy myself in silence. Thank you. And he returned to his window. The college boy returned after that every single day for 3 years. But only one evening is worth mentioning. One evening things changed. Alfredo (college boy) asked Roger the same question he asked for the past 3 years. For an unknown reason Roger decided to answer him and left the boy stunned. The question was: what does he thinks all day, if he doesn’t experience anything new, ever?

And the relationship started to grow. Alfred came to him every evening with questions and problems and Roger got his company. He would tell him stories, every time a different story suited to his problem. There is something about stories, they give us a perspective that isn’t the same for anyone. You interpret it however best suits you. A story is a window, you can look at it from two different sides and from each side everyone sees differently. What we see is our reflection. What they say, to solve a problem go one step back, a story gives you a missing clue to your problem.

It doesn’t really end, but it got me thinking, how we all desire to meet someone we can just sit in silence and also with whom we can bounce of ideas and solve problems. A desire to nurture and be nurtured can be so strong sometimes we start to imagine a new world.


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