Utterly Shattered

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

The world may seem to us as a dark lit sky adorned by the flickering stars, but it’s a metaphor. You see, this world is a pretentious reality and we are the physical adjunctions of this gloomy world.

“So what did he say before he hung up?” Allan asked me quite worryingly.

I was crying my heart out and he must have guessed that it was finally an end, like an end to something which never really began, like a sunset of a day in which the sun didn’t rise. He always knew that I’d been into something for six long years which was rather like a castle in the air, which was a chimera; hoped but never could be achieved. Of course he did know that, he befriended me in a way no one ever did before but here I was, just as broken as I were when we were no one but strangers, totally strangers with same pitch of weirdness as in peas in a pod.

“Was he supposed to hang up on me like that even? I mean how could he?” I could have said something utterly weird than that in agitation, but I’m glad I had Allan beside me, when I actually exasperated all my frustration on someone who was just trying to be a condoler.

“Okay, he hung up on you, he’s been letting you down all the time, but what the hell just happened now? Do I owe an explanation why are you so mad at yourself right now?” Allan knew that if he tells me to just ‘calm down’ right then, I’d rather kick his ass, so he substituted this bad idea and being downright concerned, he asked me about what happened; yet again, which caused me to wail like an idiot at 3AM in the morning.

Well, what happened was usual, but more painful than it’s always been. Adrian, the person I declared to myself as my ‘forever love’ could have proved himself faithful this time, only if I wouldn’t have spied on his profile.

Yes, I did that sordid, despicable thing to him. I wouldn’t have ever spied on someone whom I trusted more than my own bloody self, but he created those awful circumstances, and I really mean it when I say ‘awful’.

Of course you cannot be committed to two people in a while, and this definitely reminds me of my favorite quote from my favorite book that “Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them.”

He broke his promise to be forever in love with me, he broke his promise to be with me forever and ever since this happened, a part of me literally died inside me. And yet there was me, a part of me, who still wanted him, who still was in love with him and may be that love is supposed to long forever because at least I do make promises to keep them until ‘forever’.

“Allan I’m alright, you just don’t have to…”

“Okay you are not telling me to sleep right now when you are crying over a dumbass loser and he’s  just not even concerned god-damn it.” Allan almost yelled at me.

“He couldn’t handle the half of me, he pretended so unfamiliar that it almost killed me Allan, he told me to get a freaking life because he thinks I don’t have one without him?”

“So then prove him you have one, prove him that you have one better yet convalescent life without that jerk.”

“Convalescent?” I asked in a trice.

“You see when you’re in love, you’re manifestly in love with the idea of love. You have been a constant fighter, begging for love, always trying your best to cure people with your laughter. And since you’ve been diagnosed with this disease called “love”, you barely know the way out now, so this is what I meant what I said convalescent. Fight this disease off and show him you’re far better than you were ever.”

Allan always has some inspirational stuff to say.

“He never understands me, he never tried to. That sucks, that totally does.”

Never ever assume that people understand you or the depths of you, like not even in your wildest imaginations. If they could, they would, but seriously no one’s gonna ever get people like us, who are constantly driven by the fantasies and are devoted to the kind of wishes/aims which are going to explode one day, right in front of our eyes and we would just stare our whole world receding from our view and turning into a doom. This is how it’s supposed to be. People act according to their own sense of justice, this is what makes them different from us. Just do your part of being good to others no matter, they hate you or kill you, they’re still the hollow people living a life which seems totally indifferent to us. The world may give up on people like us, but who cares? Always be yourself. Keep marching on soldier.”

“Are you trying to be positive or it’s just coming naturally?” I could’ve guessed he’s more depressed than I was.

“I don’t know, maybe I’ve combat with such a situation already or whatever, but the point is that there’s a point in your life when you just have to let go off your past and be yourself for a while. Frankly, if I were in your position, I’d have rather let people do whatever they want to, it’s their life. Live true to yourself first then expect someone to live true for you Anna, that’s all I can really say at this awkward time of the midnight.”

“Are you high on something tonight?”

“To be brutally honest, I’m thinking to overdose myself tonight and drink until it all fades.”

“So, let’s do it together, oh yes, I can see this whole new pack of my sleeping pills right in front of my eyes, just behind my phone’s screen.”

“Don’t Anna, just don’t…”

“Same goes for you too Allan, just don’t hurt yourself.”

“Okay no overdosing on anything, that’s a deal?”

“You’re on!”



I must have thanked Allan inside for extricating me from the kind of the pain which was pulling all over my heart and soulless body, while I was laying on my bed, waiting for a miraculous something to happen so I can die at a luxurious pace.

Somehow, that night, I didn’t want to end that conversation, as it’s gonna be our last one.

“This is rational.” I replied.

“It’s insane.”

“Insanely rational may be then?”

“You see, a few hours ago you were jumping off a cliff, and here you’re, my friend. That’s what darkness does to you, it consoles you as much it pains you. Darkness is really a bliss. Isn’t it?”

“It’s peace.”

 “You can sit there for hours, in one place, wandering inside your head and all through your thoughts, no matter how loud they scream inside wanting to be let out, they echo straight back into your soul.”

“And each time those unsaid words echo, straight back into our souls, a part of us dies inside us, leaving unrecoverable stains on our pitiful hearts and minds.”

We must have sighed after saying such stuff to one-another.

“Such flawed people we are.” He replied after an unanticipated pause.

“Insanely flawed.” I added in.

“And destroyed.”

“Unyieldingly broken and deeply hurt.”

“No one can destroy us. Because we already did that many times.”

“Apparently, no one can does, because we keep on destroying ourselves every day, every night. We die every day and fake another life the next morning. That’s us.”

“Broken, empty shells of who we used to be.”

The conversation went deeper than expected.

“Used to be so lively.” I replied in a totally desponding manner.

“And extravagant.” He emphasized.

“And used to love ourselves; used to be ourselves.”

“Loved by all others as well.”

“Loved all others, like we still do, you see, this never changed in us.”

“And yet they, the ones we thought were ours, turned their back on us, leaving us hanging by the thread.”

“Gave up on us without even trying to help us fight our weaknesses. Leaving us hanging as if we never existed.” I totally dug myself into the streams of my recollections which are more than a mere fantasy now.”

“And yet we're here. Still marching on. Carrying all their hate on our shoulders and striving for a tomorrow that may never come. Day by day.”

“Day by day.” I murmured while typing my last text to my best friend, who stayed with me throughout my sufferings and agony.

I could have kept my promise and didn’t suicide that night, but as I quote, “Some people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them.”

I did neither and died.

The world may seem to us as a dark lit sky adorned by the flickering stars, but it’s a metaphor. You see, this world is a pretentious reality and we are the physical adjunctions of this gloomy world. We all are going to explode one day, and that’s written, that’s intended by the destiny itself; the destiny which demands us to live before we die, smile until we have teeth and live until we have life.

Who cares, I just made my destiny myself and chose to die, all at once. This is what loneliness and unfaithfulness does to you. It kills you, it utterly does!

Submitted: November 09, 2016

© Copyright 2021 Anam Tariq. All rights reserved.

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