2014 changed my life

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Hello my name is Keegan and this is my story about Chazz and me. It involves some hard topics to cover and people may be upset reading this short life summary/eye opener. This is about what caused my depression angry and suicidal thoughts along with my thoughts on this topic I hope you learn and understand the issues that I cover in this story.

Submitted: November 10, 2016

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Submitted: November 10, 2016

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Nov 9 2016
2014 changed my life  
What I have realized and overcome

Hello my friends to you I am a stranger, to me we are new friends.
My name is Keegan Ellison I am a Canadian living in the small town of Cobourg Ontario at the time of this I am 14 years of age and just getting threw my first high school year.
For those who dont know in grade 6/7 the summer of 2014 something happened that changed my life and almost ended it. This is the story of how life in the eyes of a 12 year old looked when your lost overcome and beat down by depression so strong it ate me apart. Our old school is when it all started, he moved to my school the second year of kindergarden I remembered him walking into the yard looking shy but friendly. Then in class hearing him say his name "Chazz" when the teacher asked, later I got a chance to talk to him he was nice smiled when he spoke that warm engry in the room we liked alot of the same things like parkour and drawing. Then that charming nice boy I was talking to 30 minutes ago turn angry and loud screaming in rage all of us sitting there on the carpet help less watching him throw things around 20 minutes later Chazz calmed down. I remembered looking across the room seeing this young nice boy I just meet and talked to, with tears in his eyes hiding under the desks while more teachers came into help he was pulled out of the classroom and Chazz didnt come back to school for a couple days. Then we started hanging out after school going swimming skateboarding and written on the walls of the treehouse we would go out and climb building around town. Later I noticed things changed, Chazz started hanging out with the wrong people they were much older some even adults he was doing drugs running away not coming to school very often I was kind of scared of those people. Then we decided to film stunts "jackass" as he called it they were uploaded to his youtube channel, we only film 3 in the time we had left together. Then our final talk ever up in our 2nd home the treehouse we talked and laughed for hours until Chazz went home, that was the last time I talked or seen Chazz again. I was scared of the people he was with the things he was doing so we didnt talk again he went his way and I went my way.
I never thought It would be the last time Id see him alive.

I later learned that Chazz had metal illness affecting his mood and behavior issues
making him have to take meditation causing him to also have troubles sleeping.

Now after that long but short summary before things got dark, now what happens after the time to tell what I hide from everyone for 2 years, my name is Keegan and this is how 2014 changed me.

Before the death of chazz in 2014 I was always chill calm and lived life one day at a time. Not really caring what the furture would hold for me. My life was easy as a kid almost no homework and always playing around. The summer of 2014 the last normal summer thats what I called it, it was fun like every summer before, everything was great. It was just the end of grade 6 at the time Chazz aperently coming to my school after the summer, but at the time I didnt care I guess we were not close friends anymore. The summer was ending and I was happy I did everything I wanted to that year now it was the relax time the lazy days of summer, I remember sitting with the hot sun looking down at me in the blow up pool it was august 21st a normal day waking up at noon hearing the birds outside, I went out for a bike ride the last 3 or 4 hours before I found out th news, the night came and ill never forget my family sitting together in the minutes before we found out, it was like the lights before the dark. I get a facebook text then I opened facebook and see Chazz front screen looking back at me finally noticing the long sententce below the picture I started to read it thinking it was something good but with seconds of processing the words I realized what It was. Then I showed it to my mom and she read it fast but slowed half way threw she screamed oh my god and ran outside to my dad then repeated the words "Chazz is Dead, Hes Dead" those words made me drop to the cold hard ground. All thoughts rushed into my head I thought about every memorie and thing we did together. I didnt sleep for 2 days I kept thinking about him every hour of everyday always saying times and dates that I could go and save him. Then school came and nothing had changed I was still upset and sad It was like my life was nothing of use after Chazz died. Weeks pasted and It got worse saying to myself "Its Your Fucking Fault" I remember alot but those were the words I used and kept saying everyday. It got so bad that by November I "Didnt care and was not worth the help and attention" and yes suicidal but I held on for 2 days before atempting to hang myself and using cleaning products Thankfully I did nothing and just delt with the suicidal thoughts threw angry and sobing. Throwing and breaking things like walls, books and more I broke and trashed my room crushing and stomping clothes, eletronics and paintings. School kept me alive I called it a "distraction" something that kept pain away from my thoughts but then coming home brought those thoughts back being lonly made me think more every time thinking about when was the day. One day I woke up months after Chazzs death, I looked at myself in the mirror and said "hold on" Then dropped to the ground and cried saying "your almost there" every night a total of 3 or less hours of sleep almost fully dead no juice left no energy to go out into the world, when I could get some sleep I would sleep in to the afternoon finally waking up at 3 or 4 in the afternoon. By this point you can realize the problem I had, a deep depression that suffocated me in the darkness of my thoughts causing me to care less about myself every hour of everyday I was far away from reality I was not conscious. Then one day I went on the website youtube and found all these youtubers that made videos, so one day decided to come back to my old channel at the time called "Keegan Ellison" I made my first stunt video on the channel and that was my second distraction, making videos kept me busy distracted uploading 2 or 4 videos a day to keep me from thinking. I loved making videos I still do and during the videos I was depressed acting happy for the camera so nobody found out about me being depressed, at the time I was scared to tell people afraid of there reaction, I didnt want my parents to find out because of the emotional stress that it would cause. When I found youtube I felt hope, I promised myself I would never to anything to harm myself saying "ending your suffering will start others suffering" and then I started meditating fixing my angry issues as best I can staying away from knieves or any objects that would influence me I promised for my family and friends to get better. It took 2 years to fully regain my life and move on from the pass I learned to never forget but dont always remember the bad/sad things.

Were I am today

Now I am ok I lost 2 years of my life suffering in the darkness of my room alone and hope less thinking of the good past and horrible future I now am in high school and I still think about Chazz all the time but I learned that life goes fast and your brain handles it in a slow manner, but I always remember the friend he was to me and the friend I was to him I still deal with angry issues to a minimum, depression Is gone I still do youtube with a small audience but I dont care youtube made me realize the future I have in filming and stunting. I was removed from social workers books the year of 2015 and so far doing well on my own. This is a very short story and summary about Chazz and me what he delt with will never be forgotten and my story wont be forgotten either. I survived and Im very thankful I found happiness once again to be here today is amazing seeing the world in bright eyes once again, sadly I dont walk the beach with Chazz anymore, but I dont walk it alone. I just want everyone to learn and realize from what you just read this is a true story and this happened at a young age Im sorry if anyone has lost anyone to suicide or anything else. Now forever I will remember august 21st as my friends death date. Now I have to go to his grave to hang out with him, I want you all to know there is people out there that have lived threw depression and still get up every morning with a smile and a happy walk you are loved by your family and friends Im Keegan Ellison and this was my story.

Share to spread awarness and help the Chazz family!

My youtube channel! >@www.youtube.com/keeganellison

More about Chazz >@Chazzapalooza.com


 


© Copyright 2017 keegan ellison. All rights reserved.

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