A Letter to My Ex

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A letter to my ex-boyfriend, Tyler.

Submitted: November 10, 2016

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Submitted: November 10, 2016

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Dear Tyler,

I probably should’t say this, but I’m going to anyway. Why? I got nothing else to lose. 

I know that you expect this to be a lovey, dovey note about how I still love you and things like that. Something from a romantic movie like the Notebook. Here’s the thing, that’s not the case. Not this time. 

You see, when we met in the park three weeks ago and you told me you didn’t want to see me again, because every time you saw my face it made it hard for you to move on.  So, you said you didn’t want to see me anymore. I listened to your words, and did as you said.  Which means, I’ve moved on.

Over the last couple of months where I’ve been alone, I’ve had a lot of time to think and listen to the advice of other people. The thing is, I’ve realized, we rushed into things too quick. WAY too quick. We went on one date and were suddenly a couple after knowing each other ALMOST week? No wonder we didn’t work out. I fell so hard for you right away that it was almost imposisble for me to see that I was rushing into things far too fast. Now that I’ve had time away from you... I see that that is why we didn’t work out. It was a mistake to rush into things that fast. There were things about each other that we both didn’t like, major things that couldn’t just be changed unless we were with different people.  Surely, you’ve realized this too... Right?

For me, I realized how controling you were. Why? Because you were letting fear tell rule your judgement when it came to me and my actions. I get it. You’re not used to dating someone who is far away. We weren’t even that far away, that’s the thing. A two hour car drive... That’s it. It’s not like I was in a completely different state. We could have made it work. Actually, no.. We couldn’t have... because you didn’t trust me. You could say you did until the day you die, but I know you didn’t. Every name I mentioned, it made you defensive. You controlled my hobby because the very act scared you because you didn’t like that I was writing with other people-- my friends. I’m a bird that asks for nothing more than to be herself, live the life she wants, and to say and do whatever she pleases. I can’t do that with someone who lets fear cloud their judgement and try to control every little action that happens. 

You told me the other night that you wanted to defend me more than ever after that election. You wanted to defend me before... But instead, your over protectiveness made me want to get away from you. The more defensive you got, the more closed off and annoyed I got that when we finally ended, I was happy. Normal, girls cry over their ex’s forever, especially if they loved them. Here’s the thing, you’re not the first boy I’ve loved. Yes, you are the first boy I’ve been in a “relationship” with, but you’re not the first boy I loved.  I guess, I should still be grieving over you... But I’m not. I’m over you. I’ve been over you... And that’s not going to change. As much as I would love to run to you and say, “Oh Tyler, I still love you and want to be with you!”... I won’t ever say those words. I miss your company and your friendship, I missing loving you, but I don’t miss dating you. Even if, you met {almost} all of my standards.. Which have changed since dating you, gotten much tighter. 

Here’s some things I hated about dating you: You’re vain, you’re insecure, you made me laugh and you made me cry which is confusing to the heart, you can actually be kind of an asshole, you’re so overly sensitive, you let your past drive your future, you want to fix people not help them (there is a difference), rape jokes, race jokes, youre overly argumentative, you’re lack of trust to confide in your significant other,  you’re incredibly pushy, you’re quite rude, and a little too selfish, and damn... Are you cocky. 

If I wanted to explain all of those points, this letter would never end.  Those are probably the ten most things I hated about dating you. I’m being honest. Since I listed the things I didn’t like about you, I should list the things I did like: your eyes, your laugh, your smile, your passion, your strong will, and {depending on the topic} your intellect. Even though you still spell “mean” wrong and it bothers me to no end.  

I know for a fact, I’m not a perfect person. I’ve never said that I was. I know that I’m stubborn, stupid at times, career driven, overly focussed on school and work, I refuse to agree with people even if they are wrong, I’m childish, I’m cruel, incredibly heartless, sarcastic, psychotic, rgumentative, sassy, depressed, bubbly, anxious, suicidal, broken, the list goes on... I know that I am very few people’s type... I can’t change a lot of those things, but I have found a reason to try and that is you, to improve myself for men I come across in the future. The psychological things, those won’t change too easily... But some of them will. Why? Because fighting is pointless and, though I can be quite vexing, it’s incredibly boring after a while. 

So I need you to hear me out...  Even when we texted on 11/10, nothing was happening but fighting by the end of the day. That was two months of our relationship. The closer to the end we got, the more fighting happened until you just didn’t talk to me. Hell, even while texting after I asked to meet somewhere with light, you said to forget it all. I’m not going to apologize for not feeling safe anymore, I’m going to apologize for not being stronger against you.  I refuse for wanting to feel safe... I won’t ever apologize for that. 

I’m sorry that I hurt you... It is something that I live with every day. I wish that I could take it away. I do, but I can’t. And... I won’t be that person for you for a very, very long time.

Sometimes, I wish that I could wake up with amnesia...  Why? Because  I just... Can't deal with this. I hate that sometimes I think about our kisses... And sometimes I hate to think about you in general... Mostly, I hate that your mom tells me you're fine.. .When I wonder if you're off feeling lonely because I'm not there... I know you say you're not fine, and I shouldn't expect you to be... But I do. It would mean that you would have ACTUALLY moved on, like you keep telling me to do... and then you come back. If I wake up with amnesia, then I forget you... I forget the boy that hurt me those months ago, I forget the boy I fought with all those times... I forget what it was like to kiss that boy... I forget what it was like to say that, I loved that boy... I forget what it was like to be next to you... I can delete your pictures, I can delete your number... but how can I delete your smell, your words... and your memories...? I can't... You can't erase the memories of someone who has impacted your life for better, or for worse.  

If you’ve paid attention throughout this entire letter, I’ve called you a “boy” not a “man”... The reason is, I don’t see you as a man. I see you as a boy who still has a lot to learn about the real world. Yes, I grew up under the protection of my parents, but I also went to college and got away from them to create my own opinions and develop my own thoughts.  Excluding my past, I’ve learned to handle things on my own withut running to them for every little problem... You can’t do that. That, right there, was another problem I had with dating you.  Children run to their parents, adults speak about what they feel and solve it for themselves. 

See, once upon a time I was real. Once upon a time, while I was with you, I had something to lose. Long before I met you, I was harder to bruise... Over these last couple of months, I’ve become stronger, braver... I’ve become someone who isn’t afraid to stand up for what she believes is right. I may have no light inside my eyes anymore... The light, when it came to you, burned out a while ago when I realized you didn’t want me anymore. 

I watched you change in front of me... You can’t push me away, change, and say you want me back two months later. That’s not how this works. Once you push someone away, and tell them you don’t want to see them again, very rarely do they want to come back. At this late in the game, it’s not me who has to prove anything to you... It’s you who has to prove to me that I’m actually somoene you want in your life for more than just companionship. I understand that you’re lonely and that you miss me being there... but I don’t just want to be an option you have to keep you warm at night. I want to be priority, not an option. I’m no one’s second option.  Remember, you chose to leave the first time out of fear. I chose to leave the second time out of strength. 

No matter what happens... I’m not coming back. Not to you... Not unless we start from scratch as friends first and let time between us settle, before we try this again.. because, I can’t try this again without us actually being apart for a good amount of time. I’m sorry. However, I am not making my future plans based around a boy.  That’s just stupid. I’m a strong, independent woman who knows that she deserves better than what I got, and should expect nothing less. 

I don’t know if you’ll read this. Hell, I don’t expect you to even answer me afterwards..  However, I wanted to write this. This was the note I was going to drive all the way to your house to leave on your car. Why do that, when I could simply write it, publish it, and send you a link? Besides, you weren’t going to see my anyway, so what’s the difference?  I know this letter is going ot hurt you... I know you. I know this isn’t the letter that you wanted... but it’s the letter that you’re getting.  

No matter what... Thank you for a wonderful two months.  I hope you find someone who is truly deserving of you. Just know that, unless changes happen, it won’t be me. 

Sincerely,

Taea. 


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