Amy IS fine

Reads: 195  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
A story with truth behind it of a "normal" person dealing with depression.

Submitted: November 13, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 13, 2016

A A A

A A A


As she sat there being viciously attacked by the demons in her head, she wondered if everyone who suffered with depression felt this way...

Amy was only 26 and was mentally exhausted from the daily battles she had to have within her head, Amy was slim quite often she was told that she was too slim... that she needed to put weight on, which although the thought was there this didn't make Amy feel any better about herself. She had long brown hair, a slightly pale complextion especially when not waring make up, deep brown eyes with bags underneath them which she sometimes described to herself as suitcases. Amy had only just got out of bed, her lovely warm cosy bed which she hoped, wished she could stay in forever, when Megan walked in.

" Have you only just got out of bed? Come on lazy bones we need to get moving!"

"I'm coming, I'm coming" She replied

Although the comment from Megan was totally innocent and Megan would never want to hurt Suzannes feelings to Amy it felt like a little dig... a dig which was helping to dig a massive hole of negativity within Amy's head, Amy knew she should tell Meg, let her know that it hurt her feelings even though it was said in Jest but Amy just smiled and played along, a scenario that's all too familiar with Amy.

Meg and Amy had been together for 5 years now and were on their way to visit Amys mother, Alice. Meg was driving. Everyone was very accepting of their relationship, which is quite a rare thing where they're from in Walpole a small village at the edge of Cambridgeshire not alot really happened in Walpole it never seemed to change, all it had was two churches, One of the churces Amy had been a regular at when she was at school, various school plays and church meetings. Amy went to a church of England school so She got to spend plent of time at Church not that she was a Christian.

Amy Shuddered as she thought about the church, it brang back memories, memories of which she wished she could forget.

"Are you ok Amy?" Meg said

"Yeah" Amy replied

"You sure, I swear you just shuddered"

"I'm fine, honestly"

"I'm fine" another word overused by Amy who rarely ever felt fine especially when she wasn't with Meg.

"Hi Mum" Amy said

"Hi girls how are you both?" said Alice

"we're good thanks Alice, hows everything this end?" replied Meg

"It's all the same you know what this place is like, I do miss you girls being close though" said Alice.

Meg and Amy had moved to Norwich about a year after they got together due to work, Nowich was about 2 hours away from Walpole which Alice missed her youngest child being so close to her.

"How are YOU mum, your moods been ok?" Said Amy

"Yeah, I'm all good promise, them tablets keep me in check you know that!" Replied Alice

"well aslong as they're helping thats good"

Alice was Bipolar. When Amy was younger they all used to live in a council house in walpole, they were'nt poor but weren't rich either, Alice and her husband Dean had to work for everything they had, Alice at one point had three jobs, Managing a shop, cleaning and working at a factory seeing her children only at the points she was getting changed into her next uniform for work, but Alice didn't want to see her children go without. Their council house was nothing special, it had broken doors, wood windows that were rotting at one point a pane of glass fell from an upstairs window and smashed on the ground in the front garden, Alice was so thankful that none of her children or the neighbours children had been playing in the garden at the time. The back garden often filled with the "disposable" cars Alice called them meaning, they were just one's she picked up for a few hundred pounds just to keep her going as she could never afford a car much more than that.

Amy often thought about her childhood, her relationship with her mother used to be quite explosive when she was younger, now they're relationship is just filled with love and they reminicse about the old times and how Amy ran away... never far Amy would pack a suitcase and either run to the top of the drive and stay there or if it was too dark Amy would run to the caravan... one time Amy left a suitcase at the bottom of the stairs and ran to the top of the drive, so Alice opened the front door and shouted.

"YOU FORGOT THIS!"

and threw it out the front door.

When Amy ran away it never lasted long, she'd usually get too bored or scared of the dark down the country lane that she would return to the comfort of her home. Amy thinks the reason they used to argue so much was because of how similar they were, Amy enjoyed the thought of being like Alice so loving, caring and generous but it also scared her with the pain she see's in her mothers eyes that she never used to notice as a child.

"I miss you mum I wish we didn't live as far away so that I could see you more regularly, I love you!" Amy said smiling about the memories she had just thought of.

"I love you too honey" Said Alice.

Chapter 2

Amy worked in a supermarket and was a manager within there a job she enjoyed but it wasn't her passion, she wanted to help people, people like her mum a woman she saw battling everyday with her mind. Amy looked at courses, courses to become a mental health nurse or a teacher something with a meaning which felt like she had a cause and could hopefully make someone's life better, people that had maybe been given up on. Amy had gone to college when she was 17 she was working at KFC at the time, it was a point in her life when she had only just started realising her mother was bipolar. Amy used to do all the hours she could at KFC so that she could support her mum who currently only had one job but was off sick from it due to depression. Amy decided she was going to go to college she wasn't aware of what she wanted to do at this point so had pick a course for accountancy thinking that she enjoyed maths and would probably enjoy this course. Amy enrolled in September, she had made sure that the course she picked was a part-time course so she could continue to work and support her mother, however when KFC found out that Amy was going to college to spite her they said she could work no more than 20 hours a week, a big drop from the 50 plus she had been working previously... Amy knew she couldn't lose 30 hours a week when she had to buy the food and support with the bills, so Amy with drew from college after just three weeks. Amy then went back to working all the hours, however something had changed she was looking for a new job.

Meg worked as a paramedic so often their shifts collided due to the fact megan had to work in times of the day all bank holidays and even christmas, but Megan loved her job she had such passion for it and went to work happy everyday. No matter how bad a day Meg had she was still happy to go back. Amy did envy that passion for work Amy wanted to find it for herself, but where? Often when Meg's at work Amy has nothing to do, Amy wasn't good at making friends so once they had moved to Norwich the communication with old friends broke down but she didn't really make any new ones the odd co-worker who would sometimes hang out with her but that was about it. Amy thought about her past why was it so difficult to make friends, what was wrong with her? she did admit to herself she isn't the most social and always reffered to herself as "socially awkward" but how do you overcome that?

Amy had been bullied at both primary school and high school, primary school was because she suffered with eczema so there was alot of "scabby" chants especially at P.E time, Amy hated it, she hated P.E, she hated School and she hated the kids that did it too her, she eventually grew out of her eczema and made friends with a group of girls her first actual group of friends, finally, in year 5. The girls were called Louise, Michelle & Kate they came to Amy's birthday party, Amy went to there's she enjoyed the last two years at primary however she had started putting on weight. By the time she go to high school she weighed 14 stone her parents had wanted her to go to a different school to the one that Amy had decided to go to but Amy wanted to go to this one due to the fact thats where her friends were going and they had been so hard to make. However in this new school none of her friends were in her house, which means she had no friends again... atleast not in class at break times though they would go back to hanging out. It was year 8 where things got bad, Amy had started feeling different about herself... her sexuallity she had fancied boys well atleast she thought she had but just recently she had being looking at Rachel at school and feeling all strange when she spoke to Rachel in class she got nervous almost like butterflies. Amy didn't dare tell anyone but she wrote about it, Amy liked to write about her feelings as a sort of theraputic way to deal with them, but she didnt expect Michelle to read her journal.

"eeeww you lezza" said Michelle

"Michelle I'm not a lesbian! they're just my thoughts I just write them down!" replied Amy

"I'm going to tell everyone at school! I mean you probably fancy me that's why you invite me round and kate and Louise!!"

"please michelle don't say anything I don't fancy any of you! It would make school unbearable and you know what primary was like for me!"

"I'm not surprised about primary school anymore they probably knew about you thats why they used to call you scabby... scabby lezza!"

"Just fuck off Michelle... GO ON... GET OUT!" screamed Amy

The next day noone spoke to Amy, Amy knew that everyone was aware, things always got around quick. Amy thought if she spoke to Louise she might understand Louise had always been the nicest of the girls the one who listened and defended Amy.

"Here she come's the fat scabby lesbian!" said Michelle

"Louise can I please talk to you... in private?" said Amy

"she's probably gonna try it on with you " snarled Kate

"I'm sorry Amy I don't want to talk to you" said Louise she looked sad as she said it.

I understood if Louise had spoke to me at that point she would have doomed herself to the same exile that I was recieving. Year 8 got even worse as Amy's parents seperated Amy knew they had been having problems for a while so she thought she'd be ok... it turns out with this and the bullying that she stopped going to school. Alice would cry begging her to go to school worried she would get a fine she even took Amy to the Doctors. One of Amy's older sisters was there and would often hug her trying to coax her into talking but Amy never did, she hung out with a neighbours son Paul who didn't often go to school they would smoke in the back yard, one time Amy grabbed a packet of paracetamol and was just about to take the whole packet when she was disturbed by Paul.

"OI OI what you doing? smoking with out me?!"

"no err I'm not doing anything" Amy replied nervously

"whats that you got?"

"just some paracetamol I have a banging headache" technically not a lie as Amy had one everyday.

"ok shall we go up the village?"

"yeah sounds good"

Amy always wondered what life would be like if Paul hadn't disturbed her at that point, alot of the time she did want to end her life, Being bullied, being gay and the other thing... she remember a girl at her school who had hung herself it was a happy girl who was obviously not very happy, she had spliten up with her boyfriend and argued with her parents and the next morning they found her in her bedroom. Amy never had the courage to hang herself she didn't have the courage for alot of things.

It wasn't until the school got involved that progress happened a social worker from the school came and put Amy on half days to try and get her back in. It worked Amy enjoyed going to school doing her lessons without having to have lunch break so avoided the bullying apart from the odd comment in a class and still got to learn something.

Year 9 came still with no friends Amy had decided that after her grandmother kept telling her she needs to lose weight that she best start doing so.

So Amy asked Alice to buy a set of them diet milkshakes the meal replacement ones. Amy would have one for breakfast one for lunch and then she would have tea with her family, whatever that may be. Amy took extra P.E classes although since the whole lesbian thing it made it really awkward in the girls changing room. By year 10 she had lost gone down to 9 stone a nice slim waist she was happy, well she thought she was happy. This was again the year it got better, it was strange that the last two years in both schools were when things improved maybe it was because it was nearing the end.

Amy hated thinking about school because it always led to other memories of her past...

Just before Amy turned 15 her mother had fallen out with her sister, there was arguments screaming and tears. Alice and her sister had always been close almost inseperable but Alice had slept with her brother in- law, which is why the argument was happening. Alice always said he listened to her and it was what she needed however the family didn't care about that they were thinking about the betrayal. Amy wasn't worried about it she knew her mum she knew that she wouldn't have done it out of malice and she had made a mistake and major one at that but she didn't mean it and was extrememly sorry. Amy's fifthteenth birthday came along she was opening her presents with her 3 sisters and mum when the phone rang... Alice answered and started arguing, it was her sister... at that point Alice hung up and walked out the house. Whilst Alice was gone Amy wrote her a letter just letting Alice know how much she loved her...

"mum I love you so much and wish you would come home,

please don't do anything silly or hurt yourself,

we need you... I need you.

I love you

Amy"

Amy left it on her bed and waited for her mum to come home, she eventually did in the late hours of the evening, she had been to the riverbank which didnt surprise Amy as it was one of her favourite places especially to think.

After this Amy would often here her mum crying through the wall, cheap fake walls that you could easily put a fist through, she would hear her mum on the phone to the samaratins saying things like.

"I hate my life the only thing good about it is my four girls and If I didn't have them I wouldn't be alive today I would have ended it along time ago"

"I used to walk on train tracks when I was younger praying to get hit by a train"

Amy's heart used to break, her mother was in this much pain but why? what was so bad? in a purely selfish way she thought she has no bullies, shes not questioning her sexuality surely it can't be that bad... normal life can't be that bad...

When Amy was 16 is when she noticed that Alice was always wearing sweaters.

"mum why are you wearing a sweater it's the middle of summer?!"

"I'm comfy in it and it's not that hot" she replied

Amy left it just thinking it was strange, however one night she caught her mum without her sweater and she saw it... all the cuts... which she must have been hiding with the sweaters. She was always so happy, so loving how could she hate herself that much to cause physical pain. Amy had never thought about self-harm whilst she was at school but had contemplated suicide.

"mum please tell me you havent done that to yourself?" Amy asked

"I'm sorry Amy you weren't supposed to see" she replied

"please don't do this anymore I love you"

It got worse.

A few weeks later Amy woke up and went downstairs, couldn't find her mum anywhere in a panic she ran around the house searching, shouting "mum". She wasn't there.

An old paramedic neighbour came round and said.

"I'm sorry Amy your mum cut herself in the early hours and it had opened up too much and wouldn't stop bleeding so she came round to me and I sent her to hospital to get it sorted"

Relieved yet angry Amy replied

"How could she do this I begged her not to!"

Amy didn't undertsand but in a few years she would.

"Hows your day been gorgeous" said Meg

"It's been boring babe i missed you" Amy replied

"I missed you too shall we have dinner and watch a movie?"

"sounds good to me"

We had rare lamb steaks lightly fried with boiled potatoes and some steamed vegetables with a nice thick gravy.

"That was great so what did you do today?" said meg

"not alot like I said it was boring thought about when my mum self harmed and had to go to the hospital brought up some bad memories."

"memories like when you used to self harm?" said meg sympathetically

"No... other ones"

Meg's comment had made her think though, when she was working at KFC she was still battaling her sexuality had dropped out of college and was still hearing her mum cry all the time, it was the week before christmas she was in her room and she saw a pin, she had been using them for hanging christmas decorations Amy and Alice loved the holidays. She picked up the pin and pushed it against her arm and dragged it down she did it again and again and again on both her underarms. It made her feel better it made her stop thinking about the pain in her head she was feeling she could stop battaling against the demons and the feelings it was all replaced with this new physical pain which didnt seem as bad. Amy kept doing it, until there was blood running down her arms, this became a new habit for Amy and she continued doing it even at the beginning of her relationship with Meg. Meg did walk in on her doing it once though.

"What the hell are you doing!?" she screamed

"Nothing" Amy replied

"It doesn't look like nothing it looks like self-harming"

"It makes me feel better"

"you can't do that"

"I'll stop"

"You're right you will stop if not I will do it everytime you do!"

"That's not fair!"

"I think it's a great deal"

Why was I self- harming was it because I had seen Alice do it? they say you learn how to cope with things off of your parents and thats what I had seen? Or is it just something the demons in your head get you to do?

Alice eventually got diagnosed as bipolar and was placed on tablets which stopped the mood swings and made her back into the woman who she used to be, she still hated going into crowded places and lost her temper more than I remember as a kid but she was happier.

Amy took a different approach, the doctor had recommended anti- depressants and therapy but Amy didn't want either as she didn't want to feel or look like a crazy person. Amy had learned from her mum about good "fronts" and although Alice's couldnt hold up forever Amy still had some time with hers she just has to deal and deffend herself from the demons inside her head.

Outside

Amy is happy all the time... (she's not)

Amy is calm all the time... (she's not)

Amy is optimistic... (she's not)

Inside

Amy IS tired all the time

Amy HAS always got a headache

Amy DOES struggle everyday

Amy decided to write about her feelings...

Amy is FINE...

?

?

(She's not)

Amy can't eat what she want's because she feels too guilty too fat even though shes boney

Amy and Alice had the same thing happen when they were younger

Amy cries alot in her car on the way to work

Amy doesn't want to go to the doctors

Amy doesn't want the stigma


© Copyright 2017 Christoff. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

More True Confessions Miscellaneous