The Worst Book ever Written

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 1 (v.1) - Formalities

Submitted: November 14, 2016

Reads: 279

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Submitted: November 14, 2016

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One hell of a title. Never judge a book by its cover they say but I’m pretty sure you’re only reading this because of the title. “What could this man possibly think is disgusting? I’ve been on the internet long enough to not be fazed by anything.” Well alright asshole, fuck you.

Cunt.

This is a book that will contain everything that cannot be said in pop culture for either it’s vulgarity or its level of disgusting descriptions or its questionable legality. Now that we got the introductions out of the way why don’t you say we get to the meat of the matter. Let me tell you a story about something that happened to me. It’ll be a nice little tale with a happy ending and a great message. It all started about a year ago. Me and my buddies were just hanging out and talking.

“Man, I had one of the most satisfying shits of my life last night” I said. Of course, such a great statement was questioned thoroughly and immediately. I think that this is the case because every guy believes that he has had the most satisfying shit mankind has ever shat. It is a great honor to be the man who laid the best turd. It is far greater than any firstborn boy could ever hope to be. George Washington’s dad whispered in his son’s ear before he took his last breath “Thou should’ve seen the constitution I laid four score and 2 hours ago”. But that is beside the point. Us as guys, we take pride in our shits and I was hastily inquired about my claim. So is explained the situation to them.

About a week before the presidential shit I was in conversation with one of my cousins. He made a bet with me that I could not masturbate and take a shot at the same time. Needless to say, I proved him wrong. Not only that but I found a new hobby. The mind on that man. So, on the fateful day it was one of the few times where I plan a shit. I had the entire afternoon devoted to freeing up the bathroom and making sure that there would be no interruptions. I got into the bathroom, locked the door, pulled down my pants and sat down. I was holding these puppies in all day. Usually I shit twice a day but not this time. I could feel it in the air that it was going to be a momentous occasion. It was as if the stars aligned and pointed directly at my anus. The gods themselves were telling me that this would be written down in the record books. I started questioning existence as the cold porcelain throne touched my bare cheeks. What is the meaning of life? How can the extreme excrement of excrements feel so somehow important? Us as a species spend so much time doing this and we don’t think about it. They’ll always give credit to showers for getting their best ideas and moments of clarity but not me. Who knows how many ideas were found on the shitter. The “stairway to heaven” could have been conceived here, Osama could have decided the global trade center experiment pop in his head here. But today was my day, and I was going to enjoy it.

As I was putting the headphones in my ears I noticed a surprising amount of earwax there. Like, REALLY blew my mind how much wax there was on those things. I could make several candles albeit very small ones. The wax was just everywhere and very wet. It wasn’t just on the outside but on the inside. My earphones have those rubber coverings over them so I had to take those off and clean them too with toilet paper. That’s the day I found out that they were white not yellow. They must have gone through the same transformation my underwear had gone through. After they were nice and clean I put them in my ears and turned on my phone. My first reaction was to turn down the volume. I thought that the earphones were going bad just turns out that they were so full of wax that the sound was being blocked off. A sad state of affairs to be certain. All those other earphones discarded for no reason. A moment of silence for they have brought many porn sounds to my ears for many years and it was my negligence that made them appear less than they were. Porn just is not the same without the sound. Sure, you might be able to make do but you’ll cum knowing that it wasn’t to your full potential. But mute porn is better than no porn. There are many situations where you need quite porn but they are all ultimately caused by lack of headphones. You just wanna fap to some porn in a place where that would be looked down upon so you try to hide it by doing it silently. But oh boy do you become aware of your surroundings then. It’s like a super power. You start hearing footsteps from 20 feet away. You become one with your environment as you stroke your dick or rub yourself and (and everything in between). You just don’t want to let your roommate, mother, niece etc., find out. If you want to be completely safe at night then just sleep next to a horny person, they’ll be able to hear thieves and murderers have the thought of committing a crime and warn you about it.

But now I was completely ready. I went to incognito mode on my phone just because it was a force of habit from when I first found out that there was porn on phones from using my dad’s phone one night and I went to tube galore. Ah tube galore. A god send of a porn site. It has everything you’ll ever want in any category. But this is only the best legal site. There’s no rape, child or snuff porn here sadly. Not that I’m into any of that stuff. Good thing scat is legal. I scrolled down to the mom section because I was feeling particularly naughty that evening and switched between a few videos before I found the right one. I like to think of myself as a porn connoisseur, if you will. I can’t just pick any old video and most of these I have already seen and used. The perfect video will most likely not be the first and it has no right to be. The first video should only get you in the mood to go and watch more videos and bring ideas into your head about what it is that you actually fancy at this moment. I came in expecting to jack off to some milfs but my needs quickly changed when another idea came into my mind. This happens very often as it should. You should not control the porn; the porn should control you. It should shape you and show you sides of yourself that you never saw or knew about. It is only there to serve one of your most selfish needs so the least you could do is show it some respect and allow it to do its work. Each session should be handled as a ceremony. The mortal elements of it do not count. It could be on your bed, in the shower or even on the shitter and it can be on a phone, a computer or projected onto a wall. That does not matter, what does matter is what you do with it on a spiritual level. Call me the fap guru.

I eventually find myself drawn to the hentai sections, something that’s been happening with increasing regularity recently. I don’t know why but it’s not like I can control it. You should never force a video to be the one unless there’s some time or internet constraints involved that make you do that. It’s just bad for your health. Anyway, I’ve been on the toilet for a while now and a few turds have made their way out. It becomes increasingly difficult now to push out a shit and masturbate at the same time. The syncing just gets thrown off when one movement requires more mental power than the other. Even I haven’t perfected this art.

Let’s skip ahead. Like I do with just about every porn video I ever watch. The video that won today’s poll was, indeed, a hentai. It was one with one of those very generic porn names so I don’t know the hentai’s original name. You know what kind of title I’m talking about. Something along the lines of “Hentai bitch gangbang monster deepthroat”. They just stick as many porn things in there and hope for the best. But while we’re on the subject, have you ever read the comments on porn videos? It is the rawest form of human communication. No one there has a reason to lie. Other than the people who lie about their age, sex, location, genitalia length, etc. I have found some of the most philosophical people in porn comments. The mind just becomes so clear after an orgasm that these thoughts pop into our heads and we just want to tell someone. But you have a very limited amount of time to act. It’s either tell someone what you just thought of with your dick in your hand or you type it into the comments and enlighten everyone else that reads it.

Another thing that happens is that you become incredibly disgusted by anything sex related. Trust me. After you finish, go back and scroll through the videos again. You’ll look at them as if you were looking at rotten food. You’ll turn your nose up at them but then come back just as hungry the following day. But it’s important to do this every time. You start noticing hilarious things in the thumbnails of the videos. Mostly you’ll just question everything. “Why is she so happy?” “Why didn’t that happen in the video?” If that didn’t happen in the video but there’s a picture of it then did all the actors have to get naked and get in this position after of before they shoot the video?” “Can it be days before or after?” “What is that?” “Is that Oregon?” You get the idea.

Back to my video. It was about a little elf girl getting fucked by ogre looking monsters in every part of her body that had a hole. These ogres of course had dicks bigger than her but through the use of movie magic they fit. They probably explained how but it was in Japanese and let’s just say that I wasn’t looking at the subtitles for most of the time. But it’s not the barbaric nature of the video that turns me on, it’s the complexity. I have been at this game for a long time and it takes quite a bit to get me going sometimes. Especially when I have so much free time devoted to just this. So the extreme nature of the video made me laugh and it was something in between the laughing and the porn that makes me cum.

And cum I did. In fact, this is where we get to the best shit ever territory of the story. For while I was watching the video I was also in the midst of pushing out a larger turn than the others. This one was hard. It stretched my anus to the point of small tearing. When I was younger I would think that the reason my asshole hurt sometimes when I was taking a shit was because the shit itself was full of spikes that would stab and scratch me as it came out. I grew older and therefore wiser. Schools don’t teach enough about shit science. This has got to change.

But the point is that as this shit was being pushed out I could feel myself cumming. I bet you already know where this is going and you are completely right. Unless you’re not.

This giant turd and the orgasm happened simultaneously. 

It was beautiful man. I was transported to another dimension. I could hear colors and taste sounds. Time slowed to a crawl, like a crippled person running away from a giant magnet. Those three seconds felt like an eternity and I had the answer to every question I ever had. I started to love my mother more. I felt connected to mother nature. I flew through space and showed my dick to other life forms and they looked at me with praise and a hint of jealousy. I turned into a god. For three, glorious seconds.

This was the shit that I told my friends about. I knew that they could not beat that. They looked at me with awed faces. They had just been taught a new way of life. They will most likely never achieve what I have but now they’re life will have a greater sense of purpose. They will try and fail. I do not believe that this is something that can be forced. Even I will probably never do it again. But that will not stop me from trying. It should also not stop you. You know now of the existence of this experience and should take advantage of it. You have my blessing.

Now that we’ve gotten the formalities out of the way why don’t we get comfortable with each other. You will never find a book with which you can feel as comfortable as with this one. There are many things that you think but can’t talk about for fear of being incarcerated, killed, or even worse, made fun of. But that’s why I’m here. I’ll say those things for you so that you can show your friends this book and say “hey, look at what this totally crazy guy said, that’s so crazy right… But like, what do you think about he said? Not that I agree or anything.” It’s a beautiful conversation starter that will let you know that everyone in the world is just as crazy as you and me. Take me to your first dates people.

Speaking of first date advice, allow me to give some more. Everyone is just as horny as you are, it doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female or anything in between and around the sides: Everybody wanna fuck. So just be blunt, tell them like it is. Go up to the person or creature in question and just be like “Yo you want some fuck?”. It’s as simple as that. It solves all problems. You see, if for some reason you don’t want some fuck but the other person does then they’ll let that be know from moment one and then you can just tell them that you’re not about that right now. No one’s time is wasted and then you both can go on your merry fucking ways.

This book should them be whipped out after you both are looking for something a little more serious. I’ll make them spill the beans. In fact, just point them to this page and this sentence. Oi, you. Tell me something. We like to dress up as Hitler while we sex people.

Trust me, you can’t go wrong with that one.

 


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