Stand by Me

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: November 16, 2016

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Submitted: November 16, 2016



Standing by Me

I’ve been in a lower zone of life for years now. My life is a mess. It seems like all the problems in the world were thrown in my direction. Maybe karma is chasing me since I’ve played and hurt a lot of people.

My life is going what I wanted it to be, graduating in college, having my internship and was about to be employed in a company when I finished school. But it all went down, I got addicted in gambling and worse I got my girlfriend involved as well.

 We all know what happened to people who got hook in gambling, their life got wasted and people left them because they became desperate, selling stuff just to get hold of cash. It all happened to me, my girlfriend left me, my so called friends left me, I got almost all my stuff sold, even stole from my siblings. When I came to it, my life is already falling apart. No job, no definite future, it’s as if all opportunities close down on me and I fell into depression.

The only good thing happened is my family never left me. They supported me throughout my down time, the darkest period in my life where I wanted to just disappear. I once attempted suicide to just end it all so my family won’t have to carry a burden like me, the black sheep of the family. I know they don’t know what to do with me to get my life back since I myself no longer had the motivation to move on and stand up again. Despite that they continue to encourage me and continue to love me.

It’s a very long and gruesome process that I went through to once again get my life back to track, at least a little. I overcome my depression but I’ve change, my once happy go lucky and confident personality now became timid and closed off. I became wary of the people around me, especially my colleagues in college who are now working and financially stable while I’m back from the start. Hearing what they’ll say about me being jobless until now and seeing how they look down on me so I avoided them.

One day I decided to get her number from a common friend. The girl who I had a crush back on high school and was rejected. I texted her, I don’t know why but maybe I just wanted to know how her life goes after high school. It took me a few days before we finally got a decent conversation and she slightly open up on me. I started to know what she likes, dislikes and slowly grasping her attitude and personality. When I already feel comfortable with her and again I started to like her, I told her about my past. I talked about how I got into gambling and how my life started to fall. I told her the darkest part I had in my life. As they say, it is better to tell the negative part of you to know if they’ll stay or walk away.

Each and every day that passed, I slowly started to fall for her and so as she. I was surprised, even though she already knows what my past is and that there is no guarantee when I will get my life together she is still here. She remains by my side, if it’s other people they already run as fast as they can to get away from me. Who would want a guy with so much baggage on him? Apparently her, she’s determined to support me and see me succeed in life. She is pushing me forward and helping me carry all my weights.

Every time I tried something, applying for a job or starting up a small business it ended up a failure. I was frustrated and sometimes I’m releasing some of it on her and there were times when I went back to gambling and my family was angry at me, I have no one to talk to but her. She tries to understand me, encouraging me to talk to my family and that someday everything will be fine. I even left her for her sake, I don’t want her deeply involved but she stood by my side waiting patiently.

 I know I’m always leaning back on her when I have no one. I know she loves me but I am pushing her away, i know I am hurting her but for me this is the best I can do so she won’t get too much involved with my fucked up life. I don’t deserve her, she is better off without me and with some guy who will openly love her and take care of her unlike me. I can’t even face her parents coz I don’t have a job, at my age I should be financially stable just like normal but here I am at home.

I am lucky she was given to me, I love her but I can’t even say those simple words coz I don’t want her to expect too much with our relationship. She became my rock; she’s always there beside me when I am down and nearly back to being depressed. She never left me even though I expected her to since I keep on failing every time to the point I wanted to give up but she never let go and pulled me back up again.

With our current relationship, I’m no longer expecting if she’ll stay or not. It is better that way since it will hurt more if I expect her to be always there for me despite me not giving her enough and what she deserves. All she wanted was for me to love her without me holding back but even that I can’t give. I’m only hurting her. I don’t want her siding for me against her family when the time comes.

In this life I promise to work hard to build my life again so I can fully give her what she deserves but for now I will sacrifice my relationship to prioritize building my life back and I know she understands. I know I’m being unfair to her but I believe this is the best way for the both of us.

I Love her but in terms of practicality love alone won’t get us anywhere in life if I remain like this but I still hope that one day we’ll still end up together. 

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