The Donahues Episode 257

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

It's November 8th, 2016, Election Day all across America, and Ethan is fighting for his political life in his race against Greg Deters. Zach makes a discovery while Ryan and Terrence watch the election results in Hansbay and Fiona tries to sabotage Ethan's chances of being elected.







“Standing next to me, he’s only my enemy, I’ll crush him with everything I own, say what you want to say. Hang for your hollow ways. Moving your mouth to pull out all your miracles aimed for me…know all your enemies. We know who our enemies are”

  • Jeff Mangum


(Cut to a close-up shot of Ryan in a gimp outfit. He is chained to the wall of Zach’s bedroom. Zach is lying in front of him, holding a whip. He’s wearing a robe, and is breathing heavily)


RYAN: …Are you good?


ZACH: …Yeah….


RYAN: Are you gonna whip me?


ZACH: I don’t want to hurt you…


RYAN: Isn’t that the point? (Zach gets up and whips Ryan) GODDAMNIT, that’s good.


ZACH: I already finished, I’m too tired now.


RYAN: C’mon, you have one more in you. (Zach whips Ryan again) FUCK! (Zach collapses to the ground) …Hey, uh, do you mind untying me?


(Zach sits up)


ZACH: Sure. (Zach unties Ryan and lets him down) You wanna go watch Stranger Things now?


RYAN: Uh, as much as I was looking forward to being able to hold a conversation with people again, do you mind if I just take my payment and leave early today?


ZACH: Why?


RYAN: I need to go back to Vermont and vote.


ZACH: You’re not registered in Clinton County?


RYAN: No, I never changed it, I’m still registered in Chittenden.


(Ryan takes off his gimp outfit as Zach sighs. Ryan puts on his jeans)


ZACH: Come on, do you really want to vote this year?


RYAN: I’m from Vermont, there’s a decent chance a bunch of Bernie people are going to not vote, and if Vermont puts Trump over the top, I don’t want that on my conscience.


(Ryan puts his shirt on)


ZACH: Alright, fine. The money is in an envelope on my bedside table.


(Ryan walks over and grabs the envelope and opens it up to see cash)


RYAN: Can’t you just venmo me or something?


ZACH: What’s wrong with cash?


RYAN: …It’s like, where am I gonna put it?


ZACH: Your wallet!


(Ryan looks around, and just stuffs the cash loosely in his pocket)


RYAN: Like that?


(Cut to Ryan pulling up to Hansbay Middle School. He gets out, with Terrence, and sees Kimberly and Luke)



RYAN: Hey mom! (Ryan goes over and hugs Kimberly. Ryan then shakes Luke’s hand) What are you doing here, Luke? You can’t vote.


LUKE: Yes, even though I’ve been married to an American citizen for a year, I’m still not a citizen. That process is a nightmare.


RYAN: Maybe I’ll vote Trump so you can be deported.


LUKE: I don’t think he minds us. He used Nigel Farage on the campaign trail.


RYAN: True.


KIMBERLY: Who’s this?


RYAN: This is my boyfriend Terrence.


TERRENCE: Hi, Mr and Mrs. Donahue.


(Terrence puts his hand forward, palm facing down)


LUKE: Are we supposed to kiss your hand?


TERRENCE: No, oh my Gosh, I’m sorry.


(Terrence extends his hand into a regular handshake form)


RYAN: That’s better.


(Kimberly shakes his hand)


KIMBERLY: Good to meet you. My last name’s Altmire, by the way.


TERRENCE: Oh my Gosh, I’m so sorry, I just keep screwing up.


LUKE: Don’t worry about it, bloke.


(Luke shakes Terrence’s hand)


KIMBERLY: We’re about to get in line.


(Luke lets go of Terrence’s hand)


RYAN: Same.


LUKE: Who are you going for this year?


RYAN: (Mumbling) Hillary Clinton.


LUKE: What was that?


RYAN: Ugh. Don’t make me say it. This is my first time voting for President, and I have to vote for her.


(Ethan and Anella walk over)


ETHAN: How do you think I feel?


RYAN: Hey dad.


ETHAN: For thirty years, I’ve been convinced Hillary is literally a murderer. And now I have to vote for her because her opponent is the highest of all evils.


RYAN: I’m still undecided on who to vote for in this city council election, by the way.


ETHAN: Fuck off.


RYAN: I mean, I was heavy into the #NeverDonahue thing.


ETHAN: I’ll meet up with you guys after we vote.


TERRENCE: My name is- (Ethan and Anella walk away) oh, shoot.


RYAN: Don’t worry. I’m sure he was just pretending you’re not there. Let’s go vote.


(Ryan, Luke and Kimberly walk past signs that say “SATCH 2016- I Like That!” and “ALEXANDER 2016- The Paranoia Needed To Lead” and “DONAHUE- Democrat For City Council, Place 4- A New Hansbay Promise” and “RE-ELECT DETERS- Republican for City Council, Place 4- Please This is All I Have Left”. They enter the middle school, and head to the gym where line for voting is. There is a redneck wearing a red hat reading “CERTIFIED POLL MONITOR”. He’s wearing a denim jacket)


KIMBERLY: Excuse me, can you tell me what makes you a certified poll monitor?


POLL MONITOR: (Southern accent) I bought this hat from, that’s what. I’m also a certified- (He opens his denim jacket to reveal a shirt reading “FBI= Female Body Inspector”) Female Body Inspector.




LUKE: You know, I hear Trump is one of those too.


POLL MONITOR: Well, ya know, speakin’ of FBI, I hear your crooked candidate’s e-mail case was reopened!

KIMBERLY: That’s not what happened, but whatever, I’m not gonna argue with you.


RYAN: Basically, what happened is James Comey was bored by how well Clinton was doing, so he decided to make it interesting by risking the nuclear destruction of the entire human species.


LUKE: It’ll be a fun night tonight.


(Cut to Ryan entering voting booth. He closes the curtain behind him, and enters the code for his machine. Then he goes to the ballot. He sees, under President and Vice President, the tickets in this order: “Hillary Clinton/Tim Kaine”, then “Donald J. Trump/Mike Pence”, then “Gary Johnson/William Weld” and “Jill Stein/Ajamu Baraka” and “Roque De La Fuente/Michael Steinberg” and finally “Gloria Estela La Riva/Eugene Puryear”. Ryan stares blankly at the ballot for forty-five full seconds)


RYAN: Fuck. (Ryan selects Hilary Clinton/Time Kaine. He then votes Patrick Leahy for Senate, over Scott Milne, Ryan votes Peter Welch for Congress, Ryan votes Sue Minter for Governor, David Zuckerman for Lieutenant Governor, TJ Donovan for Attorney General, Jim Condos for Secretary Of State, Irville Satch for Mayor of Hansbay and Ethan Donahue for City Council, place 4. Ryan submits his ballot, and walks out of the booth) Fuck this shit.


(Ryan walks towards the gym’s exit, and an older man hands him an “I Voted” sticker, but he just takes it and throws it on the ground. Cut to Ethan in his voting booth. He’s quietly sobbing)


ETHAN: ….Nooo…. (Ethan votes for Hillary Clinton/Tim Kaine for President and Vice President, and then votes Republican for every other office, except when he votes for Irville Satch for Mayor and himself for city council, place 4. Ethan shakes his head and exits the voting booth to see Anella) I just voted for myself, and yet, I still feel miserable.


ANELLA: I just voted for Jill Stein, so I feel pretty good.


ETHAN: Christ, Anella, you’re just helping Trump!

(Ethan and Anella walk out of the gym)


ANELLA: In Vermont?!


ETHAN: Okay, probably not, but it’s the principle of the thing! This race is super close now, Trump has a good chance of winning! And if he wins, Canada will certainly not be a safe haven, because nuclear bombs can do some pretty widespread damage.


ANELLA: Calm down, Hillary’s probably still gonna win.


ETHAN: But you don’t understand, Anella. Hold on, let me put it to you in a way you millennial Hamilton fans will understand. (Ethan starts singing) It’s a horrible morning, in the United Staaaaates! It sure hasn’t been boring, and it’s Election Daaaaay!

(Ethan and Anella exit the gym, and Ethan turns to Kimberly who is wearing an “I Voted” sticker)


KIMBERLY: You can for the one that is orange, or you can vote for Hill-a-RAAAAY-


(Ryan runs over)


RYAN: Either way, TRUST ME, you’re going to PAAAAY!


KIMBERLY: Now hold on a second-


RYAN: DON’T EVEN START WITH MEEEEE! (Ryan jumps on top of a car) I voted for Bernie, of that vote I can be proud, but I just voted for Hillary and that is a dark cloud!

(Ethan jumps on top of a nearby car)


ETHAN: She’s just as socialist as Bernie, and so are all Democrats!

RYAN: Yeah, she’s socialist, like the bank, Goldman, Marx and Sachs!


(Kimberly jumps on top of another nearby car)


KIMBERLY: You guys are unfair, she’s progressive as all Hell!


RYAN: She’ll be liberal, as long as the poor pay her weeeeelll!!!


(The poll monitor from earlier comes over)




(Ryan punches the poll monitor)


RYAN: It’s a horrific morning, in the United Staaaaates! It hasn’t been boring, and it’s Election Daaaaay!


(Cut to Madeline and Peter jaunting down the sidewalk in Rhode Island)


MADELINE: You can vote for the one that is abhorrent-


PETER: Or you can vote for KILLA-RAAAAAAY!!!


MADELINE: Either way, trust me, YOU’RE GOING TO PAAAAAY!

PETER: No! MEXICO’S gonna pay!



(Madeline skips away, and Peter chases after her. Cut to Alan waking up in bed)


ALAN: It’s a terrible morning, in the United Staaaates! This Hell I’ve been touring, has led to ELECTION DAAAAY! (Alan jumps out of bed and puts on a Bulls Hat, as he starts walking towards the door) As you know, I’m a negro, so it’s safe to saaaaaay- (Alan pulls up his blinds to reveal flames outside) that I’m living in Hell, see, and I’ll be shot on the street todaaaaaay!


(Alan leaves his room and sits down at a table as his mom pours him a bowl of cereal)


LESLIE: You know that Trump wants a cop to shoot you, so vote for Hill-a-raaaaay-


ALAN: But maybe I deserve it, since I’m super predator-aaaaaay!!


(Cut to Jacob and Renzi on patrol in Afghanistan)


JACOB: It’s a beautiful evening, in Afghanistaaaaaan! It’s hot as Hell, boy, and I’m getting a healthy taaaaaan! I sent in my ballot yesterday, and man, oh, maaaaan! If Trump is my commander-in-chief, boy, I’m going to IRAAAAAAAN!


(Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly, Luke, Mayor Alexander, Irville Satch, Councilman Deters, Anella, Amy Satch, Brennan Sanford, Michael Bingaman, Eric Sullivan, Judge Sullivan, Fiona Cadbury, Patrick White and numerous other Hansbay Residents marching down Hansbay’s Main Street)




(Ethan holds Anella up)


ANELLA: We all knoooow, the enormous stakes!!!! And we all know, Hillary’s enormously faaaaake! But what most of us don’t know, is there’s a better waaaay, vote for Jill Stein, and reject the corporate part-aaaaays-



(Ethan puts Anella down. Cut to Rob sitting in a club in California smoking a cigar, surrounded by women)


ROB: It’s a seventy-seven-degree morning, in Cali-for-ni-AAAA!!! I voted for Don Trump, because it’s Election Daaaaay! I’m on reality TV, so he appeals to meeeeeeee!!!! I trust he’ll take this nation, and grab it by the PUSS-AAAAAAAY!!! (A waitress hands him a cocktail, and he stops singing) Thank you, sweetheart. I voted for Donald Trump because he’ll crush ISIS. And we must do everything we can to stop these terrorist killers. Now watch me move in on this chick very heavily. (Rob turns to the woman) Hey girl.




ROB: You want to go furniture shopping?


(Cut to a dark room. A spotlight shines down, and Ryan steps into it for a solo performance)


RYAN: (Singing) Heeeeeere is the thiiiiing. This election has crushed my dreaaaaaams. I thought I might get Bernie, but instead I get more of the same. Either that or I’ll get a man so insane that he’ll fire down nuclear rain, incinerating civilization in a torrent of hubris and shame. President Obama has been so disappointing and tame, Mexico won’t be the buyer, MY generation must pay. We’ll stumble into the next four to eight years, jobless, indebted and lame. If we don’t vote next time around, we’ll have to play the same game. That game is, as is appropriate, a game of Russian Roulette. Take a chance on a second cold war, or be enveloped in nuclear flames? But just in case you were mistaken… (The lights go up behind Ryan, and we see Depraved Hallway Fern, Chance on drums, Michael on bass, Oleander on lead guitar. They start playing as Ryan screams into a microphone) THEY’RE. NOT. THE. FUCKING. SAME. (They start jamming as Ryan screams) TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE NOT THE SAME. TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE NOT THE SAME. TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE NOT THE SAAAAAME!!!! CLINTON WANTS FREE COLLEGE TUITION, TRUMP WANTS NO PART OF THAT DREAM! EVEN THOUGH TRUMP WAS GIVEN EVERYTHING FOR FREE, HE DOESN’T WANT YOU GOING TO WHARTON UNLESS YOU’RE AS RICH AS THE D!!! TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE NOT THE SAAAAAAAME!!! TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE NOT THE SAAAAAAAAAME!!! TRUMP BELIEVES GLOBAL WARMING’S A HOAAAAAX!!! CLINTON BELIEVES WE’RE GOING TO ROAAAAST!!!! HOW CAN TRUMP HANDLE THAT IF HE CAN’T EVEN HANDLE A ROAAAASTT!? ON COMEDY CENTRAL HE WHINED, DON’T MAKE FUN OF MY MONEY, HOOOOOST!!! TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE NOT THE SAAAAAME! TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE NOT THE SAAAAAAAME!!! TRUMP AND CLINTON ARE, NOT! THE! FUCKING! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEEE!!!!!!


(The band breaks down, and the song ends, as the lights go down. Cut to Ethan and Fiona standing outside Hansbay Middle School. Ethan is daydreaming)



(Ethan looks at Fiona)


ETHAN: What’s up?


FIONA: You’ve been staring into space for like four minutes!

ETHAN: Yeah, sorry, I was thinking up a show tune. Man, becoming a Democrat has made me really gay!


FIONA: Let’s go home.


ETHAN: Alright.


(Ethan and Fiona get into Ethan’s car. Pan over to Ryan and Terrence walking towards Ryan’s car. Quinn Porter, reporter for Hansbay News, walks over with a microphone and camera crew)


QUINN: Here we are, accosting two young voters walking from the polls on this election day.


RYAN: Ugh, I don’t want to be on local news.


QUINN: Why did you take a break from smoking weed and playing video games to come out and vote today, young man?


(Quinn puts the microphone in his face)


RYAN: I would be more offended by that if that wasn’t what I was doing.


TERRENCE: We’re with her.


RYAN: I’m not. I just voted for her.


TERRENCE: I can’t wait for a woman to be President. Did you know we’ve never had one?


QUINN: Yes, yes I did.


RYAN: We’ve had plenty of racists as President though, so, we don’t need to make that milestone again.


QUINN: Well, thank you two very much for your time.


RYAN: Bye.


(Ryan and Terrence quickly walk away, as Quinn turns to the camera)

QUINN: Quite a busy election day here in Chittenden county. Vermont is widely expected to go to the Democratic nominee, but the Mayoral election in Hansbay is a much closer call. Polls show Irville Satch is about two points behind his Republican opponent, Mayor Evan Alexander. And polls show Ethan Donahue in a virtual tie with Councilman Greg Deters in Hansbay’s city council race. On the gubernatorial side, Lieutenant Governor Phil Scott is leading Democrat Sue Minter by five points. Back to you in the studio, Richard.


(Cut to Richard Stovall in the studio. An “Election Day In America 2016” graphic is behind him)


RICHARD: Thank you, Quinn. We’ll stay here all night as the results pour in. I even have- (Richard reaches under his desk and pulls out a bottle of pills) Adderall to keep me awake and focused. (Richard puts away the Adderall and turns towards another camera. The graphic behind him changes to “Addiction IN America”) But before we go back to election news, our very own Steven Parsons filed a report on the horrors of prescription drug addiction in America. Take a look.


(Cut to Ethan, Anella, Micah, Nelson and other staffers sitting in a bar they rented out. Signs reading “DONAHUE 2016”, “HILLARY 2016”, “SATCH 2016” and “MINTER 2016” are hanging in the bar as they watch election results on the big screen television)


ETHAN: Polls just closed in Ohio. Too close to call.


NELSON: She’s not gonna win Ohio. They’re one of the few states where the population has actually gotten whiter.


ETHAN: That’s fine, she doesn’t need Ohio. As long as she holds Pennsylvania, Virginia and Colorado she’s got this. Barkeep! (The bartender comes over with a cigar in his mouth. He’s unshaven and nasty looking) I’m nervous as fuck, one whiskey sour please!

BARKEEP: Coming right up. (The barkeep takes out a cup and starts making the drink) What is all this for, anyway?


ETHAN: The election. We rented out the bar to watch the election.


BARKEEP: The what?


ANELLA: The Presidential Election. You must have heard of it.


BARKEEP: Oh, I don’t pay attention to that stuff. Can we put ESPN back on?




(The barkeep serves Ethan his drink and walks off muttering)


ETHAN: God, I fear for this country.


(Cut to the TV)


RICHARD STOVALL: Hansbay News projects that Hillary Clinton has won- (Cut to a graphic showing a picture of Hillary Clinton next a picture of Vermont, with a check mark) the state of Vermont. (Everyone in the bar cheers and applauds) She has won Bernie Sanders’ home state. Many write-in votes are coming in for Bernie Sanders as well.


ANELLA: Here comes Bernie! Maybe he can win this thing after all!

ETHAN: Anella, don’t do that to yourself.


ANELLA: Don’t worry, even if Hillary wins, there’s an obscure rule that could allow Bernie Sanders to take office as President, so I’m not sweating it.


ETHAN: Stop reading fake news on Facebook, please!


RICHARD STOVALL: There’s more news out of Florida, Hillary Clinton has gained a two-point lead over Donald Trump in the sunshine state. (The bar goes wild) Meanwhile, Satch is two points ahead of Alexander in the Mayoral race- (The bar goes wild again) and Donahue is three points behind Deters in the City Council race.


(The bar goes “awwwww”)


ETHAN: Goddamnit.


NELSON: Don’t worry, Ethan, we can recover.


ETHAN: Three points worth of recovery? We’re gonna need a miracle.


(Cut to a polling place. Several old people are sitting behind a table in a gym, and are checking people in as they come in to vote)


POLL WORKER: Here’s the booth you need to go to. (The poll worker gives the voter a piece of paper) Do you know morse code?


POLL WORKER 2: No, Julia, it’s just a paper ballot.


JULIA: Oh. My apologies.


VOTER: Thank you.


(Voter walks towards a voting booth)


JULIA: When I first voted, you needed to know Morse code to get the darn machine working.


POLL WORKER 2: Remember when I took your virginity in a voting booth, Julia?


JULIA: Oh, how I do. That’s how I accidentally voted for Kennedy. That alone decided the election.


(Fiona walks over to the poll workers dressed as a janitor)


FIONA: Hey there, I’m Herman.


JULIA: Are you here to vote?


FIONA: No, I’m here to clean up once the polls close.


JULIA: Oh, gosh, they’re about to close aren’t they?


FIONA: Yeah, it’s 6:59 PM.


JULIA: Well, darn. (Julia puts up a sign that reads “CLOSED”) Sorry, voters.


(The voters sigh and walk away)


FIONA: So yeah, I need a broom. Can you hand me the key to the broom closet?


JULIA: Sure, let me just put my glasses on… (Julia takes out a ring of keys and feels around the table for her glasses) Where are those darn things?


FIONA: Don’t worry, let me see it.


(Fiona takes the ring of keys)


JULIA: Well, okay, it’s the small, silver one.


FIONA: I’ll figure it out. (Fiona notices an incredibly small pair of glasses sitting on the table. She picks them up) My god, those lenses are microscopic.


JULIA: What’s that, young man?


FIONA: Nothing. I’ll be right back. (Fiona walks away. Cut to a room labeled “BALLOTS”. Fiona starts trying keys to get into the room. She fails on the first three, but then finally one works) Yes! (Fiona comes in and closes the door behind her. She turns on the lights to see a ton of boxes of ballots labeled “VERMONT STATE DEPARTMENT- DEPT. OF ELECTIONS”) Perfect. (Fiona opens the box and sees a ton of ballots. She starts sifting through them, and sees a few that are votes for Ethan Donahue for Mayor. She throws those in a pile. She puts the votes for Greg Deters back in the box. She pulls out a ballot that shows someone wrote in “Bernie Sanders” for city council) Someone wrote in “Bernie Sanders” for city council? (Fiona shakes her head) I’m taking that one just because it’s obnoxious.


(Fiona throws the ballot in the pile. Cut to Ryan, Terrence, Eric, Brennan and Michael sitting in Michael’s apartment, watching the election results. Michael is lighting a bowl)


RYAN: Look at that lead she has in Ohio. If she keeps that up, this is over.


(Michael takes a hit, and exhales smoke)


MICHAEL: She’s falling behind in Florida though.


(Michael hands the bowl to Terrence)


TERRENCE: Can I, Ryan?


RYAN: You may.




(Terrence takes a hit)


ERIC: Why did you ask for permission?


TERRENCE: I must obey so I can get a reward later.


ERIC: Do you guys have to act out your fetishes in public?


RYAN: My fetish is negative attention; I don’t know what you’re on about.


RICHARD STOVALL: (Audio only) Look at that, Donald Trump has taken the lead in Ohio.


RYAN: Shit.


RICHARD: (Audio only) And Hillary Clinton is up one point in Texas.


RYAN: Okay, sure, have Ohio.


(Cut to Zach sitting alone in his mansion, with CNN’s election coverage on in the background. He is drinking a fruity cocktail, and browsing YouTube)


WOLF BLITZER: Look at that, Secretary Clinton has an impressive lead in North Carolina, six points.


ZACH: God, I miss Ryan…I miss the way that ten foot pole he holds feels against my crotch- OH! No one should touch me. I’m so worthless. I wonder what would happen if I looked him up. (Zach looks up “Ryan Donahue” on Google. The results are for other Ryan Donahues) Damnit. These are just dentists and lawyers named Ryan Donahue…and I guess one serial killer from Montreal. Who is also a dentist. Well, anyway, how about… (Zach types in “Ryan Donahue Vermont” and a bunch of results for Depraved Hallway Fern and stuff come up, but there is also a YouTube video result for Ryan’s interview from earlier, on local news, where he is seen next to Terrence) Wait, what?!


(Zach clicks on the video and sees Quinn Porter holding a microphone)


QUINN: Hansbay Citizens are heading to the polls to cast their ballots today. Even some young people have gotten off their asses. (Quinn walks over to Ryan and Terrence) Here we are, accosting two young voters walking from the polls on this election day.


RYAN: Ugh, I don’t want to be on local news.


QUINN: Why did you take a break from smoking weed and playing video games to come out and vote today, young man?


(Zach is so angry that he slams his laptop closed)




WOLF BLITZER: That’s weird. Trump leads by seven in Virginia.


(Zach throws a remote control at the television, breaking it. Zach runs into the next room. Cut to Afghanistan, where Jacob and Private Renzi, along with other American soldiers, are watching the election results in the TV room on their base. It is about seven in the morning where they are)


JACOB: Trump shouldn’t be up by seven in Virginia, that makes no sense.


PRIVATE RENZI: There’s probably just a few counties that haven’t come in.


JACOB: Shit, Clinton’s lead in North Carolina just shrank to one point. Give me a cigarette.


PRIVATE RENZI: You don’t smoke.



PRIVATE RENZI: Calm down! Trump’s not gonna win, these are just early results.

JACOB: What if Trump, as your Commander-in-Chief, orders you to kill the innocent families of terrorists?


PRIVATE RENZI: That would suck.


JACOB: But you’d do it?


PRIVATE RENZI: Yeah, but it’d really blow.


JACOB: Then why would you do it?!


PRIVATE RENZI: I mean. He told me to. Just, whatever, it doesn’t matter, Trump’s not gonna win.


JACOB: God, I hope not. I just can’t wait for them to call it for Clinton so we can get back to searching for Sheila.


PRIVATE RENZI: I swear to God, I’d make Trump President if it meant we could stop searching for her. I’d give him two terms.


JACOB: The fuck is wrong with you?


PRIVATE RENZI: I can’t stand that bitch!

(One of the soldiers holds up his hand)


SOLDIER: I know, Hillary’s the worst, right?


PRIVATE RENZI: That’s not what I was-


SOLDIER: Five was offered, you gotta take it, my man.


PRIVATE RENZI: Okay, fine.


(Private Renzi slaps his hand)

JACOB: Not okay.


PRIVATE RENZI: Gotta keep up appearances, my man, I don’t know what you want from me.


(Cut to Ryan, Michael, Eric, Terrence and Brennan in Michael’s apartment. Ryan is standing up, chewing his nails, while watching the TV. Michael is smoking marijuana)


RICHARD STOVALL: Currently, Trump is ahead in Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia and Florida. Clinton is up by four points in Michigan.


RYAN: Jesus, why is he still up in Virginia? And only FOUR POINTS up in Michigan!? I’m getting nervous, guys, I’m not joking.


MICHAEL: Dude, why? They’re the same.


RYAN: That is so lazy.


MICHAEL: They’re both against the Iran deal!

RYAN: That’s literally not true!

MICHAEL: Did you know Hillary called Bernie Sanders supporters a “bucket of idiots”?


RYAN: That’s untrue, that was a fake news story that just ripped off the “basket of deplorables” story!

BRENNAN: What about the story where she called Stein supporters a “satchel of rubes”?


RYAN: Terrence, please hold me.


(Terrence gets up and holds Ryan as they sit on the ground)

TERRENCE: It’s gonna be okay.


RYAN: Thanks.


TERRENCE: Unless Trump wins, in which case, no.


RYAN: Fuck. (Ryan gets a call. He checks his phone to see its Zach) I have literally never been happier to see Zach is calling me. (Ryan stands up and walks out of the apartment, into the hallway, to answer the phone) Hey, are you okay?


ZACH: (On the phone) No, I’m NOT.


RYAN: Don’t worry, she can pull back ahead in Virginia.


ZACH: No, I’m not-wait, she’s behind in Virginia? Whatever, just listen! Why are you with Terrence?


(Ryan’s face turns to horror)


RYAN: …What?

ZACH: I know you’re with Terrence. I saw a clip of you guys from the local news.


RYAN: …In Plattsburgh!?


ZACH: I saw it online! You can’t hide from me, Donahue!

RYAN: Zach, listen-




RYAN: ZACH! SILENCE! Listen to me speak.


ZACH: …Go ahead.


RYAN: This arrangement we have…it’s not romantic. Right?


ZACH: …Right.


RYAN: Then I see no reason I can’t screw anyone I want.


ZACH: He’s not just anyone. If you were interested, why didn’t you tell me? You obviously kept it from me!

RYAN: I’m not gonna explain myself! I’m a contractor for you! I’ll clock in on Thursday morning, and then clock out before my 12:30 class! Keep the checks coming! I’m thinking about taking a cruise to Canada with my boyfriend Terrence! (Ryan hangs up and runs inside) Could this day get any worse?!


TERRENCE: Trump just took the lead in Michigan.


(Ryan looks stunned. Ryan then goes into the kitchen and breaks out a bottle of Whiskey and starts chugging it. Cut to Kimberly and Luke sitting in the living room at the Donahue household. There’s a banner hanging that says “STRONGER TOGETHER” and signs that say “I’M WITH HER”. They both look nervous as hell)


LUKE: Maybe Obama can grant Cuba statehood and save this thing.


KIMBERLY: Jesus, there has to be some counties in Florida that haven’t come in yet!

LUKE: He has a two-point lead!




(Kimberly starts crying. Luke rubs her back)


LUKE: Shhhhh.


(Cut to Ethan, Anella, Nelson and Micah, along with other campaign officials, in the bar. They all look anxious as they watch the returns, being delivered by Richard Stovall and Quinn Porter on television. Stovall has his sleeves rolled up and his tie loosened. Quinn is smoking a cigarette. She ashes it into an ash tray. Richard rubs his temple)


RICHARD: Quinn. How are things looking in Ohio?


(Quinn takes a drag and exhales the smoke)


QUINN: Hansbay 5 News projects Donald Trump has won the state of Ohio.


(The crowd in the bar throw up their hands and groan)


RICHARD: But, Hansbay 5 News also projects that Hillary Clinton has won the state of Virginia.


(The crowd in the bar cheers)


QUINN: Temper your excitement, Hillary supporters. Hansbay 5 News projects Donald Trump has won the state of Florida.


(The crowd groans and boos)


ETHAN: I swear, this election is like taking a bunch of uppers and downers all at the same time.


(Cut to Ryan and Terrence half-naked on the floor of Michael’s apartment. A bottle of whiskey is lying nearby)


TERRENCE: Do you want to take a bunch of uppers and downers all at the same time?


RYAN: Fuck yes I do.


(Cut back to the bar)


ANELLA: It’s almost as if “I’m With Her” isn’t a message.


ETHAN: Jesus, I know.


(Cut back to Richard and Quinn)


QUINN: Is there any news in local races?


RICHARD: Yes, Hansbay 5 News can project that Phil Scott has defeated Sue Minter, Republican Phil Scott has been elected Governor of Vermont.


ETHAN: WOO! I mean, boooo.


(Ethan looks around nervously)


RICHARD: Patrick Leahy was re-elected to his Senate seat, we projected that earlier, and in the Hansbay city council race, it looks like Ethan Donahue is still one point behind Greg Deters.


(The bar groans)


ETHAN: I’d love to have some good news tonight.


RICHARD: However, we do have a major projection on the Hansbay Mayoral race. Quinn?


QUINN: Yes, Hansbay 5 News projects Irville Satch has been elected Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont.


(A graphic puts a check mark next to Irville Satch’s name and picture. A smattering of applause comes from the bar)


ETHAN: Who cares.


(Cut to Irville and Amy Satch in the Blumenthal household, surrounded by campaign operatives. Irville and Amy are holding McCafes)


IRVILLE: Oh my GAAAAD! Amy! I’m gonna be the Mayor!

AMY: I wanna have sex with you, Irvy!



(Irville and Amy start nodding, smiling and staring at each other. The campaign operatives look creeped out. Cut to Sarah and Michelle sitting in their dorm room in Amherst, Massachusetts, watching election coverage. Sarah is on her laptop while Michelle is watching CNN’s coverage of the election)


MICHELLE: Christ. It is not looking good in Wisconsin. (Sarah starts crying. Michelle looks over at her) Whoa, Sarah, calm down, she could still turn it around. (Sarah turns her laptop around to reveal an article from Hansbay News Five’s website that reads “IRVILLE SATCH ELECTED MAYOR OF HANSBAY” accompanied by a picture of him smiling. Sarah keeps crying) I’m so sorry, Sarah.


(Michelle goes over and holds Sarah. Cut to Ethan sitting in a corner booth at the bar. Anella is sitting next to him, and is resting her head on his shoulder. Ethan has a pint of beer in front of him)


ETHAN: I think I’ve lost. And I think Hillary has too.


ANELLA: I think so too, bae.


ETHAN: What am I gonna do? I worked for so hard for this.


ANELLA: You just keep going. You never give up. I mean, you never have.


ETHAN: …What do you mean?


ANELLA: I mean- (Anella looks Ethan in the eyes) you got knocked down by a corruption trial, and then a theft accusation that made you flee to Russia. God’s sake, you’ve been knocked down more than anyone ever, except for Hillary Clinton.


ETHAN: Right.


ANELLA: But you always got right back up. You ran for city council in the same town where you once went on trial for corruption. And you’re only gonna lose by a point? That’s incredible, babe.


(Ethan breathes in heavily and sighs)


ETHAN: That’s true. But that little monster of ambition in me tells me it’s not enough. It also tells me to kill my father sometimes. I only hear it when I close my eyes to sleep at night.


ANELLA: Babe, look at me. (Ethan looks at Anella) Don’t listen to it. You’ll let it control you if you listen to it. I had ambition once. But I suffocated it once I joined a touring drum circle. And now I’m happier than I’ve ever been.


ETHAN: …So if I just let go of everything, and live simply, I can be happy?


ANELLA: You can, babe. You really can.


ETHAN: …Okay. We might want to live in Canada the next four years anyway, so let’s try it. (Anella giggles and kisses Ethan) Oh, look, it’s Mayor Alexander’s concession, I want to see this shit.


(Ethan and Anella turn toward the TV to see Mayor Alexander standing behind a podium outside the Mayor’s office. Conan is standing behind him. As cameras flash)


MAYOR ALEXANDER: Uh, hey guys. I just got off the phone with, uh, Mayor-elect Irville Satch, and I congratulated him on conspiring with the universe to destroy me. And I wish him all the luck in the world in destroying an ungrateful city.


ETHAN: He is such an ass.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: I’ll tell you one thing. You won’t have Evan Alexander to kick around anymore.


(Mayor Alexander flips off the press. Mayor Alexander walks away)


ANELLA: I wonder why his wife left him.


(Ethan laughs. Cut to Richard and Quinn)


QUINN: Okay, that was obnoxious, anyway, we have another major projection in our local races.


RICHARD: Hansbay 5 News projects Greg Deters has been re-elected to the Hansbay City Council.


(The bar groans, moans and yells)


ETHAN: Goddamnit.


(Ethan stands up and walks over to Nelson. Anella follows close behind)


NELSON: I’m so sorry, Ethan.


ETHAN: The loss is all mine. You guys tried. Honestly, it’s not the biggest thing I’m upset about tonight.


NELSON: Are you sure?


ETHAN: No, I’m not sure.


(Ethan and Nelson hug. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Eric, Terrence and Brennan watching John Podesta speak on television in Michael’s apartment. Ryan is half-naked; Terrence is wearing underwear while sitting in his lap. A half-empty bottle of Whiskey is sitting nearby, and they look glassy-eyed)


JOHN PODESTA: Well, folks. I know you’ve been here a long, time. And it’s been a long night. And it’s been a long, ca-uh, campaign. But I could say, uh, we could wait a little longer, can’t we?






BRENNAN: Incorrect.




JOHN PODESTA: They’re still counting votes! And every vote, should count. (Cheering) Several states are too close to call. So we’re not gonna have anything more to say, tonight.




TERRENCE: Just mute him.


(Michael mutes him)


ERIC: Okay, now keep that TV muted for the next four years.




RYAN: You know I bought this- (Ryan takes out a bottle of champagne) in case Trump was defeated? Now I’m thinking I need this.


(Ryan takes out a bottle of Tide bleach)


BRENNAN: Bro, let me hit that.


(A knock is heard at the door. Michael stands up and sighs. He then walks over and opens it up to see Zach, who has bloodshot eyes)


MICHAEL: Can I help you?


ZACH: Is Ryan and Terrence here?


(Ryan and Terrence stand up)


RYAN: You can’t be serious.


(Ryan walks over to the door and sees Zach)


ZACH: What’s up?


RYAN: You drove here? Seriously? How did you even know I was here?!


ZACH: I called your mom and asked where you were.


RYAN: Damnit, mom. You could’ve been a murderer. You might be, actually.


(Terrence walks over and stands behind Ryan)


ZACH: I’m not here to hurt you.


MICHAEL: I’m convinced.


ZACH: I wanted to say I’m sorry.


RYAN: For what?


ZACH: …For assuming that this meant something more than what it did.


RYAN: …You didn’t have to drive all the way here to say that. Especially since it seems like you took eight bars before you got here.


TERRENCE: Just get out of here, Zach.


(Zach puts his foot in the door)


ZACH: Please. Just…hear me out.


MICHAEL: You know, this is MY apartment.


RYAN: Shhh, Michael.


(Michael throws his hands in the air)


ZACH: Let’s be like our likely next President. Let’s make a deal.


(Ryan and Terrence furrow their brows and look at one another. Cut to Anella straightening Ethan’s tie in the bar. Nelson is sitting at the bar with a whiskey sour)


ANELLA: Go out there and be gracious, unlike Evan.


ETHAN: Trust me, Evan would’ve shit on Irville regardless of the result. Meanwhile, I can’t think of a single thing to compliment Greg Deters on.


NELSON: He has great taste in cartoon pussy.


(Ethan laughs)


ETHAN: Oh my God. (Ethan walks over to Nelson and shakes his hand) Thanks for everything, Nelson. I mean it.


NELSON: I wish I could’ve done more.


ETHAN: I don’t think there’s anything you could’ve done.


(Ethan pats Nelson on the back and Ethan and Anella walk out of the bar and get in a car. Nelson gets a phone call)


NELSON: Hello? (Ten seconds pass, but then Nelson shoots up off his seat) WHAT?!


(Cut to Ethan walking hand-in-hand with Anella up to a podium outside of Ethan’s apartment complex. Nelson pulls up in a car and slams the brakes in front of them, surprising Ethan and Anella)


ETHAN: The hell?!!?


(Nelson gets out of the car)




(Cut to Luke holding Kimberly, who is holding back tears as Wolf Blitzer speaks on CNN. There is a split screen with that and a view of Donald Trump’s headquarters, where Donald Trump has just taken the stage)


WOLF BLITZER: Right now, a historic moment, we can now project the winner of the Presidential race, CNN projects, Donald Trump wins the Presidency. The business tycoon and TV personality, capping his improbable, political journey with an astounding, upset victory.


(Kimberly moans with anguish as President-elect Trump and his wife and child Barron walk towards the podium. Luke sheds a single tear as the CNN headline reads “DONALD TRUMP ELECTED U.S. PRESIDENT”. Cut to Michael, Eric, Brennan, Ryan, Terrence and Zach watching CNN’s coverage of Trump’s victory. Ryan, Terrence and Zach are all holding one another)




WOLF BLITZER: Donald J. Trump, will become the 45th President of the United States, defeating Hillary Clinton in a campaign unlike anything we’ve seen in our lifetimes.


BRENNAN: I can’t believe it. Cheeto Jesus took it.


(Ryan furrows his brow and looks over at Brennan)


RYAN: Did you just call Trump “Cheeto Jesus”?


(Cut to Madeline and Peter sitting in their apartment in Warwick, Rhode Island. Madeline is using tissues to dry her tears while watching President-elect Trump make his victory speech with Barron Trump standing to his left and Vice President-elect Mike Pence standing to his right. Peter is rubbing her back)


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: I just received, a call from Secretary Clinton. (Cheers) She congratulated US, it’s about US! On our victory.


MADELINE: I can’t even, I don’t even know what to do, this guy is a fascist! America just elected a fascist President!

(Peter takes out a pack of cigarettes)


PETER: Sometimes the world has to be reminded how bad it can get so they can work to make life better.


(Peter puts a cigarette in his mouth)


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: Hillary has worked, very long, and very hard- (Peter lights it and inhales) over a long period of time. And we owe her, a major debt of gratitude for her service, to our country.


MADELINE: That doesn’t make me feel better.


PETER: What I said or what Trump said?


MADELINE: Either. Sure, we owe her a debt of gratitude, but SHE owes society a debt too! Lock her up! Lock her up! Fuck this asshole.


(Cut to Jacob and Private Renzi sitting stunned while watching President-elect Trump’s speech in the army base’s rec room. Many of the soldiers around them are excited)


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: I pledge, to every citizen of our land, that I will be President, for all Americans. And this is so, important to me.


(The soldiers around Jacob and Renzi applaud)


JACOB: All Americans?! Really?! Even the ones you insulted?!


PRIVATE RENZI: Especially the ones he’s insulted. (Renzi lights a cigarette, then inhales and exhales the smoke) He’ll be keeping an eye on them.


JACOB: You can’t smoke in here.


PRIVATE RENZI: Trump’s gonna be the President, there’s no rules anymore.


(Cut to Michelle and Sarah watching President-elect Trump’s speech in their dorm)


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: We have a great economic plan. We will double our growth. And have the strongest economy anywhere in the world. At the same time, we will get along with all other nations willing to get along with us.




SARAH: Well, Russia’s gonna be very willing now.


MICHELLE: Why does Barron Trump never look even remotely happy? He gets to live in the White House and he’s standing there like he got dragged to his uncle’s wedding.


(Cut to Ethan, Nelson and Anella watching President-elect Trump in the mostly empty bar they rented out)


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: But I’ll tell you, Reince, is really a star. And he is the hardest working guy. (People start cheering) And, in a certain way, I did this- Reince, come up here, where is Reince? Get over here, Reince. Boy, oh boy, oh boy. (Reince walks over to the President-elect’s podium) It’s about time you did this, Reince.


ETHAN: My God, he’s unbearable.


(Reince Priebus side-hugs Trump)


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: Huh? My God. Say a few words.


(Reince tries to get away)


REINCE: No, please.


PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP: Nah, come here. Say something.


(Reince Priebus reluctantly walks up to the microphone while the President-elect stands aside)


REINCE PRIEBUS: Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of the United States, DONALD TRUMP! (Priebus looks at Trump, who smiles) Thank you, it’s been an honor. (Priebus shakes Trump’s hand) Pleasure. Thank God.


(Priebus walks away as President-elect Trump retakes the podium)


ETHAN: I can’t believe what I’m even watching. What is this, Goodfellas?!


NELSON: (New York accent) Come over here, say somethin’ nice about me.


ETHAN: What is Reince Priebus gonna wake up to in bed tomorrow? Ugh, mute this dickhead.


(Nelson mutes the TV’s audio and Ethan turns to Nelson)


NELSON: So, there’s been a report of missing ballots. One of the poll workers noticed that some of the boxes were half empty, and the only ballots left were for Deters. Something is rotten in Denmark. Do you think it’s Russia?



NELSON: The Deters campaign?


ETHAN: No, they’re not smart enough to pull off something like this.


NELSON: Then who?


ETHAN: I know exactly who it was.


(Cut to Fiona sleeping in her bed. She is awoken by a loud knocking on her door. She shoots up, and shoots a glance towards the door to her bedroom. She jumps out of bed and walks through the door into her living room. She walks over to the front door and looks through the peephole to see nothing. She gets confused and opens the door and Ethan puts his foot in the door)



ETHAN: Hey Fiona.


FIONA: Hey loser.


(Ethan pushes the door all the way open, and Fiona steps back)


ETHAN: How are you?


FIONA: Just trying to sleep, like most people at 3:45 in the morning.


ETHAN: Were you fingering yourself to sleep, thinking of me?


FIONA: Yeah, that’s what I was doing, Ethan.


ETHAN: You stole my ballots.


FIONA: You’re drunk!



(Ethan walks into Fiona’s apartment and slams the door. Ethan walks into the living room)


FIONA: I didn’t steal ballots, why would I do that!?


(Ethan turns to Fiona)


ETHAN: Because you’re my ex-wife! And you’re a psychopath! Simple enough, right?!


FIONA: I seem to remember you have another ex-wife, maybe ask her.




(Ethan stumbles over to Fiona)


FIONA: Don’t intimidate me.


ETHAN: I’m not intimidating you. I’m just asking politely for the pieces of paper with my name on them.


FIONA: I don’t have them.


ETHAN: What do I have to do for you, Fiona? Please tell me, because I’ll do anything.


FIONA: …I liked the arrangement we had.


ETHAN: …You mean the marriage?


FIONA: No. The threesomes. I miss the threesomes most of all.


ETHAN: …So you just want me, you and Anella to screw sometimes?




ETHAN: …Yeah, I think we can do that.


FIONA: …Thank you.


ETHAN: …You don’t miss us at least a little bit?


FIONA: Don’t do this.


ETHAN: I’m just saying, we must’ve had something.


FIONA: You know our relationship was weird the entire time.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: …Let me see the ballots.


(Cut to Fiona putting a box of ballots onto her coffee table, with Ethan standing over them)


FIONA: Here they are.


ETHAN: Drop those off at Hansbay Middle School, and speed off. Don’t let them know your identity. They’ll count them, and we’ll see if it changes the outcome. Got it?


FIONA: Understood.


ETHAN: Good. And remember, our orgies must be secret.


FIONA: I understand that too. God, can you imagine Trump Tower right now? It would make Caligula blush.


ETHAN: I’m gonna head out.


(Ethan nods and walks towards the door. Cut to Fiona pulling up to Hansbay Middle School as “Oh Comely” by Neutral Milk Hotel begins playing. She throws the box of ballots at their stoop, and speeds away. Cut to Jacob and Private Renzi sitting in General MaGarthur’s office. A picture of President Obam, a picture of Vice President Biden and a picture of Defense Secretary Ash Carter are hanging on the wall behind him. General MaGarthur takes out a framed picture of Donald Trump and places it on his desk. Jacob gags. General MaGarthur shrugs. Cut to Renee fast asleep in her bed, holding Kyle Donahue in her hands. Kyle is also fast asleep. The camera pans down to see Renee’s legs are moving restlessly. Cut to Kimberly drinking coffee in the morning while looking at her iPad, which is on The Onion’s website. The headline is “Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President”. Luke sits down across from her and she shows him the headline. They laugh and then hold hands from across the table. Cut to Ryan, Terrence and Zach passed out on the floor of Michael’s apartment, half-naked and surrounded by bottles of alcohol and pill bottles. Cut to Ethan naked in bed with Anella and Fiona at his side. He is smiling. Cut to him waking up in bed, next to Anella, in the morning. Ethan rises and walks into the living room. Ethan turns on the local news as the song fades out. Richard Stovall and Quinn Porter are sitting at the news desk. They look tired)


RICHARD: Of course, the “big” news everyone is talking about is how that guy from Celebrity Apprentice will soon have nuclear weapons, but also, we’d like to call a city council race here in Hansbay.


QUINN: That’s right, due to some votes that were previously missing, we’d like to reverse last night’s call that Deters won re-election to city council.


ETHAN: Oh my God.


QUINN: Hansbay 5 News projects Ethan Donahue has been elected to Hansbay City Council, he has defeated Greg Deters.




(Anella comes in)


ANELLA: Did you win!?




(Ethan and Anella hug, and Ethan lifts Anella up. Cut to Mayor-elect Satch holding a press conference in front of Lake Champlain, with a press pool in front of him. Amy is standing behind him)


MAYOR-ELECT SATCH: We, as Hansbay citizens, Vermonters, Americans and citizens of the planet, woke up to a different world this morning. I woke up with the help of McCafe! (Mayor-elect Satch holds up a McCafe) “I Like That!” (He puts the cup down) The reason the world feels different today is because Donald Trump will be President in just over two months. But if you’re feelin’ down, just know that I’m here, as your Mayor, to fight for you! Regardless of who the President is! So if you don’t like that school recesses in Hansbay don’t have rat mazes so the children can learn about those beautiful creatures, then rest assured, change is coming to Hansbay!


(Smattering of applause. Cut to Ryan making coffee in Michael’s kitchen the morning after the election. Ryan looks like a mess, he has disheveled hair, is wearing athletic shorts and sunglasses as he waits for the Keurig to brew him a cup of coffee. Michael walks in)


MICHAEL: You’re an asshole.


RYAN: I know.


MICHAEL: You come in here, get drunk, get high and have a gay cuddle-fest because your preferred candidate didn’t win?


RYAN: Come on, it’s a little bit more significant than that.


MICHAEL: Whatever, just know this. You obviously have new friends. No need to bother us. Get those drunk twinks off my floor and get out.


(Michael walks into his bathroom as Ryan sighs)


RYAN: He’ll get over it. (Ryan walks over and shakes Terrence and Zach) Guys, wake up.


(Terrence and Zach mumble and sit up)


ZACH: God, I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach still.


RYAN: Get used to that. You guys want coffee?


TERRENCE: Could I get a caramel macchiato?


RYAN: Sure, we can go to Starbucks. We have to leave anyway.


ZACH: Ryan, if we’re going to Starbucks together, does that mean we’re…friends?


(Ryan licks his lips)


RYAN: Yes, Zach, we’re friends. Work friends.


(Zach smiles)


ZACH: I’ll take it.


TERRENCE: Let’s go.


(Terrence and Zach stand up. Cut to Ryan, Zach and Terrence walking into the parking lot outside Michael’s apartment building. It’s a sunny day)


RYAN: Look at that. President Obama was right. The sun did rise this morning.


(Ryan, Terrence and Zach get into Ryan’s car, which still has a “Bernie 2016” sticker on the back. As “Oh Comely” by Neutral Milk Hotel returns, Ryan’s car backs up, and then drives out of the parking lot and into the sunrise. Cut to black)









Submitted: November 19, 2016

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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