Dear Lillian

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This story takes place in the mind of a little girl named Lillian, it will takes you on her journey of abandonment and how her innocence is lost to the cruelty of life.

Submitted: November 20, 2016

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Submitted: November 19, 2016

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Twisting the handle, I urged the door inwards. My eyes scanned the surroundings as I entered my mother’s room. As I walked further into the room, I realized that my mother wasn’t in bed, or even in the room.

Well that’s odd, she’s never up before nine. As I moved towards the nightstand, I caught a glimpse of the closet. My ears thundered with the sound of my heart as I stared into the desolated closet.

 

Have you ever felt that one moment in your life, when your whole world just stops, where everything you’ve ever known is suddenly just wisps in the wind? I never expected that anything could go wrong on a beautiful morning, with the first rays of dawn shining brightly upon your face, those white puffy clouds that seem to be too soft to be true floating lazily through the sky. It’s not as if life was perfect. We all had our problems, but we always had a choice as to how we solved them. My mother chose hers, it just happened that I wasn’t a part of her solution.

Morning had always been my favourite part of the day. I always loved taking a walk to witness how everything seemed to wake up alongside the sun.

There she goes leaving the door open. Again.

 I slipped through the door anxious to get to my room before my mother awoke. Not that she would notice that I left in the first place.

I didn’t blame her though, really I don’t. It’s not her fault she got stuck with the responsibility of raising a child all on her own. An unwelcomed chill greeted me as I took off my shoes, as if my house was foreboding me as to what was to come. That’s when I spotted them. My Mother’s tattered, red leather high heeled shoes.

I haven’t seen these in a long, long time. Not since, that day. My spirits lifted, it’s been such a long time since Mother showed any interests from her life before.

A memory had flashed in my mind. I was twirling around in the garden my hair flying as the wind blew, and my Mother’s laughter floated around, a gentle caress as she danced beside me… My Father watched from the window with a smile stretched across his face… It had been such a long time, I’d nearly forgotten.

I headed towards the kitchen to whip up an early breakfast and start to brew the coffee. As I walked down the hallway, the pale white walls seemed to mock me with their bareness.

Where did all the pictures go? I picked up my pace as I rounded the corner almost sprinting in my hurry to reach the kitchen. Upon reaching the door I paused, and looked at the dark oak door with a mixture of apprehension and hope. I noticed a soft light slipping through the cracks from under the door. I slowly pushed forward.

Light yellow walls accented with creamy white baseboard greeted my eyes with a soft, happy glow. The grandfather clock sat ticking quietly in the corner like a long lost friend, and upon the ancient oak table that sat in the center, were the missing pictures from the hallway. As I walked towards the table, I realized that it wasn’t just the pictures from the hallway that were scattered over the tabletop.

She must’ve been in one of her moods last night. At least she got up from her bed. That’s a good sign. The earlier hope of seeing my mother’s heels slowly dissipated as the reality of the situation started to take root. She’s still trying to hold onto the past… hasn’t she realized it’s hopeless to hold onto it like this.

I started to shift through the photos, and the memories flittered past my mind as I looked at the long forgotten pictures. A weathered old looking scrapbook had caught my attention.

How odd… I’ve never seen this one before. I slid my hand tenderly across the smooth, worn leather as I slowly unwound the string that held the book together.

As I opened the scrapbook a blaring alarm went off causing me to knock the book to the floor. Turning around, I left the kitchen to turn off the vexatious alarm. I don’t even know why she still uses that stupid alarm, not like she gets up after hitting the snooze button.

Quickly I walked towards my mother’s room, about halfway my palms start to sweat, and I got slightly lightheaded. Why is it still ringing, she should have turned it off by now. Hesitantly I closed the distance to my mother’s room. Upon reaching the room, I pressed body tight against the door.

Please, please be alright.

Sound slowly bled away with every thundering echo of my heartbeat. As I stared at the appalling sight of the bare closet. The sound of the alarm clock started to sound farther away. With every beat of my heart it was as if I was falling a great distance.

She left.

No, she couldn’t of left, she just went for a walk. That’s all. Leaving the room slowly I head towards the kitchen without looking back. I’ll just make a cup of coffee, and when she gets back from her walk I’ll make her favourite breakfast, blueberry pancakes!

Running back to the kitchen eager to start on breakfast, my footsteps falter slightly. Mother never goes for walks. Tears threaten to fall as I push myself to walk to the kitchen. Maybe she is just getting some air; she’s been inside for so long. That has to be it!

Taking a boisterous step I smile for real for the first time in years. She’s finally trying to get better.

Grabbing the container of coffee from the pantry I make my way into the kitchen. After setting the coffee on the countertop I notice that a white envelope is on the floor beside the old leather scrapbook. Bending down, I gingerly pick up the old book and letter, my breath hitching slightly.

The letter is for me. My hands shook as I slowly open the letter. Taking the cream coloured paper I let the envelop flutter to the table.

Dear Lillian,

This was never an easy path, but I had to do this, it was the only way. I need you to understand that I did everything I could, but I just can’t do it anymore. That place, all it does is remind me of what I lost. Especially you. Everything about you reminds me of him. Looking at you hurts so much I was glad when you went on your walks, to school, anywhere but here.

My heart breaks, shattering into thousands of pieces. All the hope I felt earlier disappears as despair and agony bloom in my chest.

I stayed as long as I could, but it’s just not worth it, my life is miserable sitting at home all day dreading the return of my daughter. It was pathetic. I hated the person I’d become and so I did what anyone would of done. I moved on with my life. I ask that you do the same. I love you Lillian, you know that right? I just want what’s best for the both of us, and leaving you is what’s best. For the both of us.

Love, Mom

My world became blurry as the letter slips from my limp fingers.

She left. She really left. My world darkens as the weight of reality crashes down on my shoulders.

I’m not sure how much time has come to pass, but day turned to night, and night to day.

A knock sounded at my door, a sliver of hope flares in my chest, but withers just as quickly. She isn’t coming back.

I drag my feet to the front door. Please, please, please. Oomph.

I lay where I fell trying to catch my breath. Sitting up I looked at what I’d tripped over.

My mother’s red heels.

The knock came again.

“I haven’t got all day”. 

Maisy. Climbing to my knees I twist the handle.

 “There you are! What was taking you so long, all the good seats are going to be taken!”

A sharp stab of resentment pieces my heart from seeing Maisy’s parents sitting in the car.

“What’s wrong with you?”

My Mother just left me.

“Nothing, I just forgot we were going to the movies today.”

Maisy peers into my eyes and gives me a look. Tears prickle by the corner of my eyes, and a sob brakes through my silent battle. “I… my… I don’t...” The sound of doors opening rang in my ears as my world spun, my knees buckle as I fall for what seems like years.

 My world blinks out of existence.

When my eyes open the worried faces of Maisy’s parents swim in front of me.

The dam brakes, as the years of anguish pour out of me. “My mom… she’s gone. She’s actually gone.” I break inside as tears fill their eyes. Their arms enveloped me holding me together as my world crumbles.

Twisting the handle, I urged the door inwards. My eyes scanned the surroundings as I entered my mother’s room. As I walked further into the room, I realized that my mother wasn’t in bed, or even in the room.

Well that’s odd, she’s never up before nine. As I moved towards the nightstand, I caught a glimpse of the closet. My ears thundered with the sound of my heart as I stared into the desolated closet.

 

Have you ever felt that one moment in your life, when your whole world just stops, where everything you’ve ever known is suddenly just wisps in the wind? I never expected that anything could go wrong on a beautiful morning, with the first rays of dawn shining brightly upon your face, those white puffy clouds that seem to be too soft to be true floating lazily through the sky. It’s not as if life was perfect. We all had our problems, but we always had a choice as to how we solved them. My mother chose hers, it just happened that I wasn’t a part of her solution.

Morning had always been my favourite part of the day. I always loved taking a walk to witness how everything seemed to wake up alongside the sun.

There she goes leaving the door open. Again.

 I slipped through the door anxious to get to my room before my mother awoke. Not that she would notice that I left in the first place.

I didn’t blame her though, really I don’t. It’s not her fault she got stuck with the responsibility of raising a child all on her own. An unwelcomed chill greeted me as I took off my shoes, as if my house was foreboding me as to what was to come. That’s when I spotted them. My Mother’s tattered, red leather high heeled shoes.

I haven’t seen these in a long, long time. Not since, that day. My spirits lifted, it’s been such a long time since Mother showed any interests from her life before.

A memory had flashed in my mind. I was twirling around in the garden my hair flying as the wind blew, and my Mother’s laughter floated around, a gentle caress as she danced beside me… My Father watched from the window with a smile stretched across his face… It had been such a long time, I’d nearly forgotten.

I headed towards the kitchen to whip up an early breakfast and start to brew the coffee. As I walked down the hallway, the pale white walls seemed to mock me with their bareness.

Where did all the pictures go? I picked up my pace as I rounded the corner almost sprinting in my hurry to reach the kitchen. Upon reaching the door I paused, and looked at the dark oak door with a mixture of apprehension and hope. I noticed a soft light slipping through the cracks from under the door. I slowly pushed forward.

Light yellow walls accented with creamy white baseboard greeted my eyes with a soft, happy glow. The grandfather clock sat ticking quietly in the corner like a long lost friend, and upon the ancient oak table that sat in the center, were the missing pictures from the hallway. As I walked towards the table, I realized that it wasn’t just the pictures from the hallway that were scattered over the tabletop.

She must’ve been in one of her moods last night. At least she got up from her bed. That’s a good sign. The earlier hope of seeing my mother’s heels slowly dissipated as the reality of the situation started to take root. She’s still trying to hold onto the past… hasn’t she realized it’s hopeless to hold onto it like this.

I started to shift through the photos, and the memories flittered past my mind as I looked at the long forgotten pictures. A weathered old looking scrapbook had caught my attention.

How odd… I’ve never seen this one before. I slid my hand tenderly across the smooth, worn leather as I slowly unwound the string that held the book together.

As I opened the scrapbook a blaring alarm went off causing me to knock the book to the floor. Turning around, I left the kitchen to turn off the vexatious alarm. I don’t even know why she still uses that stupid alarm, not like she gets up after hitting the snooze button.

Quickly I walked towards my mother’s room, about halfway my palms start to sweat, and I got slightly lightheaded. Why is it still ringing, she should have turned it off by now. Hesitantly I closed the distance to my mother’s room. Upon reaching the room, I pressed body tight against the door.

Please, please be alright.

Sound slowly bled away with every thundering echo of my heartbeat. As I stared at the appalling sight of the bare closet. The sound of the alarm clock started to sound farther away. With every beat of my heart it was as if I was falling a great distance.

She left.

No, she couldn’t of left, she just went for a walk. That’s all. Leaving the room slowly I head towards the kitchen without looking back. I’ll just make a cup of coffee, and when she gets back from her walk I’ll make her favourite breakfast, blueberry pancakes!

Running back to the kitchen eager to start on breakfast, my footsteps falter slightly. Mother never goes for walks. Tears threaten to fall as I push myself to walk to the kitchen. Maybe she is just getting some air; she’s been inside for so long. That has to be it!

Taking a boisterous step I smile for real for the first time in years. She’s finally trying to get better.

Grabbing the container of coffee from the pantry I make my way into the kitchen. After setting the coffee on the countertop I notice that a white envelope is on the floor beside the old leather scrapbook. Bending down, I gingerly pick up the old book and letter, my breath hitching slightly.

The letter is for me. My hands shook as I slowly open the letter. Taking the cream coloured paper I let the envelop flutter to the table.

 

Dear Lillian,

This was never an easy path, but I had to do this, it was the only way. I need you to understand that I did everything I could, but I just can’t do it anymore. That place, all it does is remind me of what I lost. Especially you. Everything about you reminds me of him. Looking at you hurts so much I was glad when you went on your walks, to school, anywhere but here.

My heart breaks, shattering into thousands of pieces. All the hope I felt earlier disappears as despair and agony bloom in my chest.

I stayed as long as I could, but it’s just not worth it, my life is miserable sitting at home all day dreading the return of my daughter. It was pathetic. I hated the person I’d become and so I did what anyone would of done. I moved on with my life. I ask that you do the same. I love you Lillian, you know that right? I just want what’s best for the both of us, and leaving you is what’s best. For the both of us.

Love, Mom

 

My world became blurry as the letter slips from my limp fingers.

She left. She really left. My world darkens as the weight of reality crashes down on my shoulders.

I’m not sure how much time has come to pass, but day turned to night, and night to day.

A knock sounded at my door, a sliver of hope flares in my chest, but withers just as quickly. She isn’t coming back.

I drag my feet to the front door. Please, please, please. Oomph.

I lay where I fell trying to catch my breath. Sitting up I looked at what I’d tripped over.

My mother’s red heels.

The knock came again.

“I haven’t got all day”. 

Maisy. Climbing to my knees I twist the handle.

 “There you are! What was taking you so long, all the good seats are going to be taken!”

A sharp stab of resentment pieces my heart from seeing Maisy’s parents sitting in the car.

“What’s wrong with you?”

My Mother just left me.

“Nothing, I just forgot we were going to the movies today.”

Maisy peers into my eyes and gives me a look. Tears prickle by the corner of my eyes, and a sob brakes through my silent battle. “I… my… I don’t...” The sound of doors opening rang in my ears as my world spun, my knees buckle as I fall for what seems like years.

 My world blinks out of existence.

When my eyes open the worried faces of Maisy’s parents swim in front of me.

The dam brakes, as the years of anguish pour out of me. “My mom… she’s gone. She’s actually gone.” I break inside as tears fill their eyes. Their arms enveloped me holding me together as my world crumbles.


© Copyright 2017 M.J. Lambert. All rights reserved.

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