Show Me Your Soul

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 20 (v.1) - Healing

Submitted: February 03, 2017

Reads: 407

Comments: 2

A A A | A A A

Submitted: February 03, 2017

A A A

A A A

 

~ Healing ~

 

CECILY

 

My eyelids felt heavy when the morning light flickered around my face. I went to the bathroom with heavy limbs and a dry throat. My eyes were still bloodshot and rimmed with dark circles. I looked beyond exhausted.

I decided to take a long bath. Now I looked half as bad as before.

Putting on my comfy yoga pants and my favorite t-shirt, I didn’t want to do anything but paint.

But as soon as my fingers wrapped around the pencil, I just kept staring at the blank canvas. My mind was just as blank as the white sheet.

I had no idea what I wanted to paint. No image crossed my mind, no colors.

Nothing.

Seconds passed. And then minutes. Marlene knocked at my door and asked if everything was okay. I nodded, finally turning my eyes away from the canvas.

“I’m hungry”, she said, dragging me to the kitchen.

“Me, too”, I lied as I opened the fridge.

“Did someone come last night?”, Marlene asked, pouring milk into her cereals. “I think I heard some noises.”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek.

“Um… yeah, my– a frie–…” I cleared my throat. “Someone from college came by. Did… did we wake you up?”

She shook her head and kept eating her cereals.

I stared at the fruit basket on the table but couldn’t bring myself to stomach anything.

My goal to regain some strength during the weekend failed.

I was feeling nothing but mere exhaustion. And nothing worked. Yoga, painting, reading – I couldn’t clear my head.

My mind kept replaying our conversation, each word he had said cutting my throat once more.

Even if he’d apologize to me, it wouldn’t fix the deeper problems we had than just the insult he hurled at me.

Maybe he was right.

Maybe I had trust issues.

So what?

After all, my trust had been betrayed badly. By the man I had loved the most – my father.

He didn’t have to open old wounds again. To insult my family. Hurt my feelings.

I know he had been betrayed, too. His brother slept with his fiancée – girlfriend – whatever. But I didn’t use his painful past against him like he did to me.

How could he ask me to trust him when all he did was being so damn mysterious?

If you want to be together with me, then you have to accept the fact that there are things I won’t tell you.

No, I could not accept that. And he wouldn’t, either.

How could I even expect this to work? A relationship with no trust. With him keeping secrets from me. For whatever reason he had.

I should’ve know better.

And yet, I let him crawl into my heart; slowly and entirely. I didn’t know when exactly I had fallen for him. But I’d fallen hard.

He didn’t text me. The whole weekend.

I thought he would apologize. Or say something. Anything.

I wished I could forget him as easily as he seemed to be getting over me.

 

My alarm rang and I mechanically got ready for college. I woke Marlene and prepared her breakfast before I grabbed my bag in the living room. Suddenly, I noticed some glasses on the table. Ace’s glasses. 

I had forgotten he had left them here. Reluctantly, I put them in my bag. The mere fact that I was holding something as casual as his glasses ached my heart. A part of his belonging was in my bag and I couldn’t wait to get rid of it.

I locked our front door when Marlene said, “Cecily, I think there’s someone waiting for you.”

I turned around, following her gaze. A familiar car was at the other side of the street, but I was focused on him as he made his way to me.

He had got to be kidding me.

I wanted to run but my brain had lost control over my legs.

“Cec–”

My brain got back to work. I grabbed Marlene’s hand and made my way to the garage. Of course, Ace followed me. “Cec, wait.”

“Marlene, get in the car”, I said and gave her the keys.

“Cec, I want to–”

“Get lost”, I snapped as soon as Marlene walked to the garage and got inside.

I needed to stay calm. My voice was already on the edge and I didn’t want to yell in front of Marlene.

“Hear me out. Please”, he added.

“You have some nerves–”

“I’m sorry”, he cut in, the words heavy on his lips. “I am sorry I said those things about your father. I know I shouldn’t have said that.”

“This doesn’t change anything”, I hissed.  

“I know”, he said.

I laughed humorlessly. “You have got to be kidding me”, I challenged. “Don’t tell me you came all the way to apologize. Wow, Ace. I’m impressed.”

My lips were a hard line when I took a step closer to him “Where were you when I stood here on the driveway?”

He barely cringed.

“Where was your apology the day after? Or yesterday? Or a message that your sorry? Or a phone call?”

I didn’t realize that I punched his chest with every question. He didn’t flinch. At least he had the decency to just stand there like a punching bag.

“I wanted to drive back to your house”, he admitted. “But I was pretty sure you wouldn’t have spoken to me. Or listen to me.”

I scowled at him. He was right. I wouldn’t have listened.

But he should’ve tried.

“You know what I wanted? I wanted you to trust me!”, I snarled, words pouring uncontrollably from my mouth. Emotion after emotion stumbled in my mind and everything came out.

“I wanted you to tell me the truth. I wanted you to say you’re truly sorry, not only for insulting my family. I wanted you to apologize for keeping secrets from me! But you don’t understand that. You don’t understand anything about me.”

He closed his eyes in frustration.

“I am not a mind reader. How am I supposed to–” He stopped, opening his eyes.

“Forgive me”, he said after a long pause.

Two words.

Simple.

But… with a complicated answer.

“Please”, he added.

Part of me wanted to say It’s okay and bury my face into his neck.

But we would fight again. Because of our trust issues. Because of my wish to have a normal relationship instead of this… well, whatever it was what he wanted.

Through all my thoughts, there was one part within me, the biggest part, that wanted peace.

I wanted my old life back. Boring. But happy. My old, boring, happy self that stuck her nose into books, or painted for hours and enjoyed going for a run to the beach.

I took a deep breath.

“I forgive you.”

When he took a step closer, I stepped back.
“But I won’t spend time with you anymore.” My voice was dead. “I need healing. And I won’t get any if you’re around me.”

I had to get away from him.

Not waiting for an answer, I turned around and headed to the car. My hands were shaking when I drove past him. I caught a look at him and if he was feeling anything he didn’t show it.

His face was blank. No emotions.

“Is he your boyfriend?”, Marlene asked once we were on the road.

I wanted to laugh. He wasn’t my boyfriend and probably never would be, yet we were acting like a couple.

“No, he’s not my boyfriend”, I said harshly.  

 

The next days passed without me seeing him. We had different schedules, different courses and I was grateful for it.

Ruby and Cassy exchanged worried glances at me when they saw my horror-movie like face but I dismissed them with lying about some allergy.

I should tell them. I knew I should tell someone, but I couldn’t right now. I wouldn’t even know what to say. We didn’t even break up. I couldn’t even say that we weren’t dating anymore.

At the end of another exhausting day, I headed to the changing rooms, when I spotted Aro. He turned his dark eyes to me and gave me a warm smile.

A warm smile? Subtly, I looked to my side to check if he was really looking at me.

“Hey”, he greeted, taking a few steps to me. He looked as usual in his denim jacket and neatly combed hair.

“Hi”, I answered, feeling a little uncomfortable with his stare.

“Jeez. You look awful”, he said, tilting his head. So much to having a polite conversation with Aro.

“Thanks”, I mumbled, already annoyed.

“Had a rough day?”

“Err, I didn’t sleep very much”, I replied and rubbed my eyes, pretending to feel tired.

Scary, that he noticed that and even looked… concerned?

He put his hand on my shoulder, a tender warmth coming from his hand. His look was intense, different from all his cockiness.

“No, really. Everything okay? You look a little gloomy these past days.”

I smiled. “What? No, everything’s fine with me”, I chirped, my voice betraying me. My hand slipped into my purse and I fumbled for my keys. But my fingers touched something else.

Ace’s glasses.

I had totally forgotten to give him this back. If I wasn’t so damn pathetic right now, I would’ve wondered why he didn’t ask me to give them back to him.

I pulled them out of my purse.

“Aro, can you give this to Ace?” I handed them to him and felt the burn stinging my eyes.

Dammit, those are just his glasses and not his kidneys, why was I getting so sentimental?

He looked surprised. “Sure.”

I nodded and tried to walk past him as I felt the tears rising to the corner of my eyes, but Aro blocked my way. “What’s going on, Cecily?”

I couldn’t hold it anymore.

I started crying. I tried to stop, but the pain and feeling overwhelmed me and were too great. I’ve never ever cried inside the clinic. Never.

And yet I was standing here, crying like a stupid, little child over a guy in front of another guy who probably hated me and couldn’t care less if I cried or not.

But then he did something I’d never imagined Aro would do: He hugged me.

I buried my face in his t-shirt and let the tears run down my face.

I sobbed and mumbled some apologies when I saw some wet spots on his t-shirt.

He chuckled softly. “Don’t worry, it will dry”, he said and wiped my tears with his thumbs.

I rubbed my eyes before breaking this awkward hug.

“Thanks”, I sniffed and wished the ground would open and swallow me up.

He scratched his head, clearly not knowing how to handle this weird situation either. “Do you… do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. Talking about it wouldn’t help me the bit.

He looked relieved. “You have some plans? We could grab a bite if you want.”

He gave me his typical askew smile and I was left speechless.

“Okay, then let me walk you to your car.”

I shook my head. “I didn’t come by car.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Okay. I can drive you home.”

“I-I don’t know if–”

“I won’t ask any questions, I promise.”

He smiled. And I actually believe him. Aro was mostly interested in… himself, so he wouldn’t dig deeper because he simply didn’t care.

“Okay.”

I needed a distraction. Even if it’d be listening to some Aro-madness.

 

He waited for me in front of his car when I finished changing into my normal clothes. Politely, he opened the front passenger’s door and closed it after I climbed in. Probably, it was more out of pity. Knowing that he had seen me like that only increased that feeling of shame.

He started the engine and we drove while his usually loud, rap music was playing quietly in the background.

We were quiet for a while, until he broke the silence. “You still don’t wanna grab a bite?”, he asked again.

I blinked at him several times but decided to shake my head. I wasn’t feeling hungry.

“Okay, then some other day? When you’re feeling… better?”

The careful tone in his voice was startling me. Was this really Aro next to me?

This was just too funny.

I laughed drily. “Aro, you don’t have to be nice to me. In fact, it’s creeping me out. I know you hate me, so you can continue your usual mocking me.”

He looked at me as the stoplight turned red. “I don’t hate you”, he said quietly. His tone was still serious. After closing my jaw that popped open, he continued, “Really, I don’t hate you. In fact, I like you.”

Okay, now my jaw was back on the floor. I couldn’t help myself from laughing. I burst out into a laughter until tears came up. This time a happy tear. I rubbed my eye and looked at a grinning Aro.

“I’m going to have a hiccup if you keep saying funny things.”

“Why do you think I was joking? I like you. You’re funny. Your clumsiness and smartass answers are funny, and I mean really funny. Not wannabe funny. Just because I used to tease you sometimes doesn’t mean I hate you.”

That was literally the nicest thing Aro had ever said to me and I hadn’t a proper answer, except for a “Okay…”

“I’m serious, Jeez…”, he sighed and drove to our street. “Remember when we first met? You thought I was another person and started talking to me as if we’d known each other. That was funny. I thought it was some desperate flirt but once I noticed your clumsiness, I knew that was just… you.”

I was dumbfounded.

He remembered the first time we met? And so detailed?

“It’s that house there”, I mumbled when he drove into our driveway. He switched off the engine and turned his gaze to me.

“So, is that a yes?”, he asked.

“Huh?”

He rolled his eyes. “My offer. To grab a bite someday.”

Oh… True, he was being kind to me but I knew his real character. He could be mean, cruel even, and I already made the mistake once, I didn’t want to repeat it.

“Um… thanks for the offer Aro, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He frowned. “Is it because of Ace? You guys have broken up, right?”

“W-What? No, we haven’t… we were never a couple.”

I pinched my brows together.

“Did Ace tell you that? That we were a couple?”

But Aro shook his head. “No, I just assumed. Since you two hang out together a lot.”

“Used to”, I corrected. “We were just friends… but now we’re… I don’t know, just students.”

We hadn’t been friends, we never were. But I don’t think there is a definition for what we were. And I sure didn’t want to discuss it here with Aro.

“I see”, he mumbled and I didn’t know if he was talking to me or to himself.

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, he’s an ass”, he said and shrugged.

Nope, it didn’t make me feel better. It just left a pang in my stomach hearing someone insult him. I didn’t know why I still felt the urge to defend him – even though he was right, he was an ass.

“Don’t say that”, I whispered.

I guess, he didn’t hear me, because he continued, “Really, he’s often at those frat parties, almost every weekend. Always wasted and sitting with creepy, fucked-up guys. Oh, and he fucked Karen.”

What?

“Yeah, she told us. Poor thing. He just used her.” He shook his head in disgust. “He didn’t even talk to her afterwards and ignored her completely.”

I didn’t realize that I was cutting the blood flow in my fingers from clenching them. My heart stopped. It just stopped. I didn’t feel it skip or race or sink to my boots. I just couldn’t feel any heartbeat anymore.

“When was that?”, I whispered.

He rubbed his jaw, contemplating. “Don’t know. Recently.”

Oh yes. He had forgotten me pretty quickly.

I felt sick.

This car was getting smaller and I needed to get out of here.

I shrugged. “Who cares. He can do whatever he wants. I’m just happy that I don’t spend more time with him than necessary.”

When did I become such a great liar? I almost believed my own words.

“Mm…”, Aro said. “So that’s a yes.” He grinned.

I didn’t even know what he was talking about and I didn’t want to ask. I considered asking him what he and Ace did those past days, but suddenly I didn’t care anymore.

I got out, waving goodbye before watching him leave our yard.

 

I walked across the hallway with my thoughts hammering against my brain. It was silent – Marlene went to her ballet class.

The feeling of loneliness overcame me, slinking from every corner of my room.

I couldn’t cry anymore. I’d cried those last weeks more than in a year. I was tired of crying.

But I wanted to talk. I grabbed my phone and typed a message to Alex. I was having a bad conscious for disturbing her during her date with Paul. He was so excited and kept asking me questions about Alex’s favorite things and now I was ruining their romantic date.

I considered putting the phone aside and watch some rom com and order food, but I decided to be selfish.

I needed my best friend. I needed the one who understood me the most. I needed her.

 

Hey, I know U R on a date with Paul & I’m sorry 4 asking U this, but can U come 2 my place? I need U.

 

I pressed “send” and waited a bit before she replied: On my way.

 

She arrived and I threw my arms around her the moment I opened the door.

Paul waved his hand. “Okay, I’ll leave you two alone.”

I smiled, mouthing a thank you.

“Cecy, what is going on?”, Alex asked once we were in my room.

“I’m sorry for ruining your date. I’m so sorry–”

“Stop”, she said and hugged me. “You know I’m always there for you. Tell me what’s going on.”

I nodded and took a deep breath.

“We better sit down, Alex. It’s a long story.”

 

 

 

 


© Copyright 2018 Mirette Cordelia. All rights reserved.

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