That Night

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: November 28, 2016

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Submitted: November 28, 2016

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It´s 1 a.m. when I finally arrive home. For the past week now I have spent the night with you, unable to leave your embrace. I don´t know quite what it is about you that makes me feel this way, but I know that I never want it to go away. At first you were afraid, and I understand. I don´t think many people we know would understand this - that it is possible for two boys to say ¨I love you¨ to each other and mean it. I think, though, that as long as we know what we mean to each other, it will be okay. For the first time tonight, our bodies have touched. I never thought that something could be so... beyond words. I never thought that a moment in time could be so special that I would carry it with me for the rest of my life. I never thought that I could be so in love with anyone. You have brightened my world. And this I will never forget. I reach the door. Unlocking it, a familiar odor fills the air, burning my nostrils. Alcohol. My father has been drinking again. This is nothing new. My father had been drinking for as long as I can remember. I don´t know or understand why. All it has ever done is tear my family apart, opening new wounds, deepening old ones. I take off my shoes and place my dress shirt on the chair. I would make some dinner, but it is late and I want to go to bed. I silently creep up the stairs, trying desperately to avoid waking my father. Unfortunately, I don´t try hard enough, and he stirs when I reach the top of the landing. Instantly, he begins yelling, speech slurred by the poison flowing in his blood. ¨Where have you been! It´s one in the morning! Probably out with that faggot friend of yours again!¨ I don´t know why, but something inside me snaps this time. I have always been able to insulate myself from the homophobia, from the gay bashing, from the hatred. But not this time. Not this day. The moments with you still linger in my mind, still hold in my memory. They, those moments, will not allow this. Will not allow something so beautiful to be tarnished by something this disgusting. My mouth opens before I can stop myself. ¨Don´t ever call him that. Ever. Don´t ever say things like that again. You don´t even realize what he means to me, do you?¨ My mother is awake now. She realizes what I have just said. She just stares at me from the bed. My father breaks the silence, his voice booming. ¨You´re one, too, then. Another queer.¨ A tear slides down my cheek as I run back down the stairs and grab my car keys. I should´ve known something like this would happen. That I couldn´t hide it from my parents forever. That sooner or later I would slip up. I´m at your house before I realize I have no shoes on. I dial your number on my cell phone and get no answer. I should have known you would be sleeping by now. I leave a message as I continue on to a friends house. As I park my car, I fall apart. Hot tears stream down my face, soaking my shirt. It is an hour before the sobs subside. Andy lets me sleep on the couch for the night. Even if my father is gone, I can´t go home again tonight. I can´t face those stairs again tonight. Being so up, then quickly dragged down. I´m starting to drift to sleep when the phone rings. I tell you everything. You tell me everything will be okay. I wish I could believe you, but right now I´m not so sure. We spend the next two nights together, you doing your best to comfort and reassure me. I still don´t go home. I talk to my mom briefly on the phone. She tells me all I need to know. ¨It´s going to take your father some time.¨ It´s three days before I realize that I can´t avoid my life because someone can´t accept who I am. I resolve. I talk to you quickly for reassurance, then step through the door. My father stares at me from across the room. We say nothing to each other for some time. I break the silence. ¨It´s who I am. I really don´t care if you like it or not, it´s who I am. I´m not going to change for anyone, and I´m not going to stop being me to make someone else feel better about themselves. If you can´t deal with it, that´s just too bad.¨ He says nothing, just continues to stare. Finally he stands and goes to the kitchen. I hear pans banging around, followed by the sound of butter sizzling. He has started to cook dinner. It takes me a moment to realize the hard part is past. It will be some time before I can have a real conversation about it, but for now they will let me be. A week later you break my heart. You do it gently, but you don´t do it in person. At first I don´t understand why you do it. How can you say you love me and mean it? How can we share a moment like we have shared, and then in the next throw it all to the wind? It takes me time, but I finally understand. You are not yet ready to face what I have. You are not ready to show the world who you really are yet. In all fairness, I wasn´t either. But for some reason you have chosen to take this road alone, and there is nothing I can do to change your mind. I move on slowly, to other crushes, other relationships, other heart breaks. But I will never forget you.

 


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