Fang and The Bailiff

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A shorty story about a young man in crisis.

Submitted: December 05, 2016

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Submitted: December 05, 2016

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Fang and The Bailiff.

The Police were looking for Jamie and he was scared. He had never been arrested before and had a morbid fear of being handcuffed. This fear stemmed from a film he had seen as a child called Serpico, where the Police had handcuffed a man with his hands behind his back, then kicked him in the balls.

In order to cope with what he knew was an irrational fear, he said out aloud “if the Police kicked you in the balls while you were handcuffed there would be no crime.”

Jamie did not realize that his thoughts had turned into words and a woman sitting next to him on the train gave him a side long glance, and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. He gave her a reassuring smile. For Jamie, this incident was a light bulb moment and he remembered from the past, whenever he spoke his problems out aloud it gave him greater clarity. He decided then and there, that he would talk the whole thing through with his uncle. He switched trains and an hour later he was outside his uncle’s house in Croydon.

Jamie loved his Uncle and since he was a child they had a close relationship. He felt he could talk to his uncle about anything, in a way he could not do with his Dad, and over the years he had called upon his Uncle advice to help steer him through many heart breaks and setbacks. His uncle Jem was a problem solver and prided himself on his detached non emotional thinking. In many ways, Jamie wished he could be more like his Uncle and not be a slave to his emotions. Jem had always been able to help in the past, but this time Jamie had his doubts.

They hugged warmly at the front door and his uncle led him into his spacious and plush living room.

They sat opposite each other, in comfortable high backed Victorian arm chairs. Jem’s wife came in carrying two glasses of sparkling Calvados for them. She placed the apple wine on the coffee table, kissed Jamie on the forehead and left. Jamie and his Uncle had not seen each other for two months and they spent ten minutes exchanging family news and polite banter. His Uncle stood up and walked over to the patio doors and stood looking out at his beautiful garden, with his back turned to Jamie. Jamie was relieved to be free of his direct and steady gaze, his Uncle sometimes gave him the uncomfortable feeling that he knew or guessed much of what he was thinking.

Without turning round his Uncle said

“Jamie are you ok? You seem a little tense.”

“Uncle, sometimes you scare me, how did you know? Or am I crap at hiding my feelings?

Jem turned round and sat back down opposite Jamie. He tilted his head back staring up at the ceiling and put the tips of his fingers together.

“Trying to hard perhaps and you don’t need to hide your feelings, what’s the matter?”

Jamie gave a deep sigh.

“The whole thing stemmed from a parking ticket, which I completely forgot about.”

“Are you sure you didn’t ignore the ticket?”

“I just kept on putting off dealing with it, and over 6 months it went from £50 to £525 including bailiff charges. Anyway yesterday morning, two bailiffs turn up at my front door. I have never dealt with a Bailiff in my life but  these were two of the most horrible people I have ever met, cold stone faced bullies .They made me so angry ,I offered to give them a cheque, NO,I offered them part payment, NO. They demanded I pay the full amount in cash or debit card, there and then. Up until that point there had been no shouting or excitement and fang stood behind the door and did not bark. They had no idea he was there.”

“Mmm,I wondered when the hound of the Baskervilles would make an appearance.”

“It wasn’t the dogs fault, I told them I have to go to work I can’t deal with this now, the one that did all the talking put his foot in the door to stop me shutting it, and forced me backwards, that was the last straw, I whistled to Fang and he was on him in a flash, typical of these people his mate ran off and left him to negotiate the direct debit with Fang. He started screaming like a wild animal and Fang was all over him like an anxious lover. I was so angry, I felt like screaming “eat him Fang” but I didn’t ,I whistled to Fang  he went back in the house. Piece of filth, sat there blubbering like a baby feeling sorry for himself, just because he had a good savaging. I said to him you think your smart bullying poor people out of what little they have, but Fang does not like it he’s a Socialist. I kicked him in the ribs and he screamed that he was going to call the Police and I said to him, “Fang is not over keen on the Police, they make him feel insecure.”

“Any way my next door neighbour opened her front door. Do you remember Doreen the Pensioner?”

“I do actually, you used to go in and talk to her when her husband died.”

“Well when Doreen came out the Bailiff was sitting on the ground with his back against the wall sobbing he  started begging her to call the Police, but she seemed a bit strange and not like her normal bubbly self, she had a blank look on her face and she was carrying this old fashioned commode. She stared at him for a while then she said,

 “You’re a Bailiff aren’t you, yes, I recognize the type, you used to hound my poor Albert when he was alive, you never gave him a chance, your scum that’s what you are .Call the Police, we should be calling them for you, what I saw was you and your mate attacking Jamie, and Fang trying to defend him. She was hysterical. With that she emptied the contents of the commode over his head as he grovelled. It turned out to be urine.”

“I was shocked; she tried to hit him on the head with the commode i had to pull her away.”

“I managed to drag her into her flat and when I came out the Bailiff had gone.”

“Where is Fang now?” said Jem.

“I left him in the flat.”

At that moment, Jamie’s mobile rang.

“Uncle it’s my next door neighbour Doreen, I have just got this horrible feeling. Can you talk to her?”

Jem took the phone and spoke with Doreen.

“Not good news Jamie, The Police have been to the flat looking for you, they tried to detain Fang but he went  berserk, bit a Policeman and was shot dead.”

Jamie’s eyes filled with tears he began crying. His uncle stood beside him and put a consoling hand on his shoulder.

“God! Fangs dead and that awful Bailiff is still alive, it’s so unfair” Jamie said.

“The world is not fair place, and it never has been ,but we have to operate from a platform of what is, not how we would like things to be but at this moment just try to remember the companionship and good times you had with Fang and nothing else.”

They sat for a while in reflective silence.

It was Jamie that broke the silence.

“What do I do now?”

“Jamie I am your uncle and I love you, in fact you are the son I never had but I can’t always set things to right for you. What have you learnt from this?”

“In future If I open the front door to my creditors and I don’t have their money, I’ll be wearing panty hose, a massive strap on dildo and carrying a rusty garden rake, and I’ll invite them in so that we can discuss the outstanding debt.”

His Uncle laughed, patted Jamie on the shoulder and poured them both another glass of sparkling Calvados.

“Will you come with me to the station I don’t want them to hand cuff me and kick me in the balls.”


© Copyright 2018 Clyde West. All rights reserved.

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