Dear my shitty self

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Well basically is about the state of my shitty life

Submitted: December 13, 2016

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Submitted: December 13, 2016



Dear my shitty self!



Why do I put myself in this position? Why? You know, you just gonna keep hurting yourself over and over. And now this had gone too far and I cannot stop myself from doing this. I have hurt people around myself, the people you care for and the people who care you. I have keep thinking over and over and over, I need to stop this... This, that I kept doing it. I think about it all the, this guilt, this thing. I feel sad and unhappy every time I give it a thought, a thought that said "STOP THIS! STOP RIGHT NOW! PLEASE STOP"  
But then, when it come to it, I just loose my mind, is like I don't even know myself anymore! I feel even more happy and feeling even more alive, this little pieces of happiness, is like I'm attract to this chaos. This thing, is like a drop of a hundred candy, you know, is time to stop, but you can't resist it temptation, it keep pulling me back to this..... This thing. 
I want to stop, but I don't know how to stop myself. I will stop, when this thing also stop. But when I see this thing again, I just loose my shit all over, so is like back to the begging sentence. You see, do you see? This is what I'm doing to myself. How do I do this, how do I stop this, what should I do?



You know when people have broken heart and they understand love music better? Well at first I don't, actually even I still don't. But what do I understand is some of the song I can feel it and understand it, I mean, I know what it meant. But there are not broken heart song, because I'm not heart broke. Well.... How should I put this.... For example sentence from song "I wanna look good for you", "I want you to be proud of me". I do, I wanna look good for him, I wanna make myself better, every time he said you look good. I'm just so happy, I want you to be proud of me, I just want him to know, I did all of this for him, but he doesn't know that. Another example "I want you to hold me closer", "can't keep my hand to myself" and many more song that is sort of about being with a special person, man oh man, they do hit the spot!

Another thing is when they said "you just so happy to see that person" but on a special way. I now understand this as well. Everyday I'm just so happy even more happier to go to work, because I know he gonna be there. All day I will try to make an excuse just to walk near him or go talk to him. No matter how shitty the day is, how upset I am or how busy I am, when I see him, I just feel so much better and happier. Through put the day, I hate the most is finishing work and when he said goodbye and day off, I know, it too crazy, too much, but I can't control myself. When I'm home, I still keep thinking about this person, I'm even more out of control!! 

OH! Just a warning this is not really a love story! Is more of.... Well.... I just wanna express what I'm going through. I couldn't tell anyone, so...... I'm writing it out. Oh and sorry for shitty writing. 


Well let go back to the beginning...... I was born on Thursday of the, wait that too far back, let start with basic. I have work at this cafe for almost 2year, I'm a barista, basic barista, nothing cool about me, I don't even fit the word cool, more like..... Cute, Haha and I was fat more like chubby, well even now still chubby (but I have lost 10kg). Ok so I'm a barista and he a chef, now you see the different? That why always make excuse to go see him in kitchen. But he also come outside from time to time. He is 4yrs older than me, but im taller than him, his look is normal, but he is my types of guy. His personality is really nice, only to the people he like dor, well aren't we all? My personality? Well im pretty always happy, I get angry or annoyed from time to time, in pissy mood when period come, other than that always happy and hype. I want to make everyone feel good and happy when they work, so we can get a good day out of that. But there is always one person, this person can bring the whole team down. You will see dark cloud or aura around this person, which I can't really do anything about it, so let it be. We always check out girl boob or butt, checking out hot chick or hot guy. My daily routine, wake up, go to work, finish work, go to yoga and go home. I'm quite a lazy person, I don't work out and I don't have motivation at all. I keep on saying I need to lose weight, need to be on diet, but never. Until I have this feeling inside me, is the feeling I want hiw to like me back, I want to make myself better, better just for him! 
Alright let get to the point! Our relationship strat out as co worker, as we know and work more together, that relationship  build up as he see me as a little sister, but then it all started to change. We become closer, I start giving him a boob huge, to make him happy, but that was nothing is all innocent no feeling of liking. But as it go on, I start to have feeling and it getting obvious, he started to know my feeling. One day, he accidentally elbow my boob and I said "ow, it hurt, if you wanna touch my boob, don't hit it, just grab it" I was just joking than, but he actually grabbed my boob, I was shock, but at the same time happy, I guess. From that day on, if there are chances he will grab my boob and I like it, but as is go on, the grabbing, the touching, the huge it get stronger and more sexually. We both know our feeling. 

I know what you reader think, what the heck! This is a love story and seem like is all going well. Well let me tell you is not!


Last week, we went too far with fooling around. We finally did it, we had sex! And it feel so good, so good that I feel so miserable at the same time. That right, I haven't let you guy know about this yet. I'm already married and he married with 2 kid, now you know why I can't tell anyone! I know this sort of thing happen everywhere, cheating, but for me is so different, I love my husband but at the same time I love this other guy as well, I never done this with anyone else. And he love his family too, he didn't want to do this, but it happen. Before the fooling, I confess to him, "I don't know why, but I think I like you, that why I can't  stop playing around with" he said is ok to play, but we know our limit. Big questions what is the limit? After the confession I try to avoid him, but he keep coming and play around with me, is like he giving me hope and I just lose my shit. And now I have regret, regret for everything, regret for my love. And I think he have regret as well, Coz after the fooling is like he trying to back away from and it make me very sad. Then when I thought that I should stop having this feeling, he come and give me hope. What is the meaning of this? So confused with myself!

As the day go on and our life continue 


Sorry guy, this bring back to the beginning again the confession part. Now everyday my life is like that. Is like, I love to torture myself. And still don't know what to do, I want to stop, but I couldn't. And I know one day karma will come running back and hit me hard. 
Our life go on, the world is still yet spinning, the moon still shine and sun still hot. You all properly don't really give a shit, hey I know I wouldn't if I was reading the other story or maybe someone will give a Fuck, who know. All I want to say I have said it. Oh I know maybe some people who is like to be right and hate wrong will properly criticism me and said you shouldn't done that, but what these people don't know is. They don't understand until it happen to them. If it does happen, you know, shit just got real. Anyhow I just want to thank, you guy for reading, taking your precious time to read my shitty life story. I still don't know what to do with my life. 

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