Late night/former dreams mixed Thoughts

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Late night thoughts. The shit I can't put to rest. Just a little taste of the non-stop jungle in my head.

Submitted: December 21, 2016

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Submitted: December 20, 2016

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Idk something ain't right. Something deep down within me just doesn't sit right. I'm uneasy, I'm shaking, heart rate 106?!,...... scared and don't know why, or 'of what' for that matter. Why am I always running??? Why am I killing, or keep witnessing killings. It's weird. And it's so hard to explain bcz those that don't experience it ever, or if they have, not as much. It becomes dreadful. I don't wanna know what imma have to run from next. And what could that mean in my real life. What am I subconsciously running from??? My angel asked me tonight "what's bothering you?" And do you know how stupid I felt when I was unable to give him an answer? Very. Sometimes I just wish I had wings to fly, fly away from worry and pain. Fly away from drama and those little human shaped demons that try to ruin the bond between a mighty king and his queen. The queen knows she has nothing to fear, but yet, fear seems to engulf her unwillingly. She tries to fight it. With positive thoughts. Positive self talk/assurance. Nothing works and she can't escape. I am happy. I truly am. With everything in my life. Everything is falling into place . Amazing, loyal, wonderfully indescribable, man of my wildest dreams. A job in line. Making ammends with family. Growing up. Now that's a big one. Something we all were in such a hurry to do. Do I regret it? No. Would I have done things differently, definitely. But I am also glad I fucked up. It gives me the knowledge I have now. Daniel. That name is very precious to me. Even more so after the recent/not-so-recent events that occurred. I try to walk a tightrope and not fuck up, and even though he has reasurred me he's not going nowhere over stupid little shit, I still try to take every word and every action in my life since then cautiously, very cautiously. There are certain random moments (probably just in my head) where I feel as if I have almost irritated him too much, or all the little shits gonna build up and he's just gonna pop one day and he's gonna say 'fuck it' and I'd never see him again. But if I see that dolled up demon near him, that will be too much for me. I'm not sure what that means for me rn, but I will lose my mind. I already did once, if he would've never came back, I would've never been the same again. I'm surprised I'm still the same now, but if you think about it, I'm really not. These and so many other thoughts have crossed my mind for hours at a time throughout the entire day along with other shit just as stressful, but mostly at night. As I lay in bed thinking these things, silent tears roll down the sides of my face and trickling down my neck. I have learned to silence them, as so not to irritate my love. He doesn't like it when I cry. It always seems to make him mad which makes me more upset and makes it harder for me told hold back more and stop. I just want him to always be happy. I want to give him everything he wants and so much more. He deserves so much. I really don't see what he sees in me. I don't see it. He doesn't like it when I say that either. But I can't express what he means to me. Words aren't powerful enough. But my heart's not right. I long for his touch, he's just not a really touchy person. I miss it. There was so much of it in the beginning and I look at that, yet look back only earlier today. I hardly got to love him, hug him, kiss him, just be with him. I can't explain, and I swear on everything I love that I'm not exaggerating when I say this, when I think about today I can LITERALLY FEEL my heart ache. Not burn or hurt, but ache......... I feel like I'm too needy. That's another thing I'm afraid will drive him slowly away...... But Im not materialistically needy. I just want his love. His touch. Him whisper "I love you" in my ear as he kissed it as he used to.... I truly miss that so much it literally, physically, hurts. He shows me so much, I just need more.....That's sounds bad..... I want to just be able to stop these thoughts and just doze off, as he lovingly instructed me. But he really doesn't understand how much easier that is said, than done for me. I've been traumatized so many times in my life. It's not an excuse and I do not hold it as a crutch, but the fact is I can't get around it. It's always there. But there is one thing that has haunted me throughout my life, repetition. My worst enemy. It's like a bad omen just decided to say, "Ooh look at that one. Let's go ruin her life". Like wtf??? What did I ever do that was so horrible??? And no I'm not saying my life now is horrible. But it's the small shit too. Example: the dreams. It's a repetitive dream just different scenarios. I'm either killing, running, or both. Repetition is the devil.

There are some things, that no matter how many times you explain or how many details you use, you can not explain to one, a life like mine, and they fully understand. And it is the same for everyone; the only person who will ever FULLY understand the pain and LASTING effects of a life such as mine, are the victims themselves.

Yes I have moved on. I am happy with my life and everything in it and I do not dwell on the past. But sometimes, rather than others, it just hits a little harder and longer. But to wrap this up, I've learned something in my life: There is evil, to every good Yet there is good, to every evil And also every cloud has a silver lining. So maybe, and hopefully I will figure out what the silver lining is to this dark cloud that hovers above me just waiting to reek havoc on my world.


© Copyright 2017 Caroline Gates. All rights reserved.

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