Mixed Thought

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This short story is about a girl, her knowledge, her thought, her voice, idea about herself and the world to her. A girl living in the darkness show her opinion about her life and others. (Please don't feel offended in any way)

Submitted: December 23, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 23, 2016



The sky starts to turn dark as I walked out from the store, I glance upon the sky and see a grumpy nimbostratus coming from the west, the sunlight slowly disappears behind the cloud. The street was so peaceful before but now everyone running and shouting, the people in front of me quickly disappear from my sight. “I guess no one knew today going to rain,” sigh. The sky gets darker as the nimbostratus approach. The air start to change its pattern, the wind start to make a loud noise; it starts to swirl the dry leaves on the ground like a tornado ready to blow away the world. A drop of water break through the crazy wind and land on my nose as it slide down and touch my lip as it drops down to the ground; I can feel the acid water freezing up my lip. I couldn’t feel it anymore as my breathing start to get harder, my face start to get cold; drop by drop do it land on my clothes. 

Through the dark alley across the street, I can see the rain increasing rapidly. When I look up at the sky, I couldn’t see the rain, all I can see is just a clear white sky as the rain is invisible but I can feel it land on my face. Something caught my eye, not far away there an old man picking up cans from the garbage bin from the street. It’s raining, shouldn’t he find a place to get himself warm up… but I guess it is needed to seek money for survival, to survive in this cruel world his own kind created, no matter what happen to the world he needs to look for the tiny hope of surviving. He might have family that he needs to provide food for, he might have children waiting for him. His clothes are ripe and full of holes…. he must be freezing by now but in the end being in the rain can kill him if he stays here any longer. I wonder how he had lived his life till now, the way he dresses and the way he trying to survive make me rethink about my life as how harsh his life must have been. 

The differences between humans is great, human don’t want to help other as they try their best to earn money for themselves and their family, they wouldn’t give a stranger money that they work so hard for but at the same time human beg other for money making themselves look like they are in need of help while they aren’t trying to climb back up and just living off the flow. The kind of human that actually help is the kind that feel sorry for you in either fake or real feeling or looking down on you or just want to catch some attention by showing off they are helping a poor man while you people are just sitting back or just in a good mood and willing to flash out a few buck that they can easily earn back unlike someone that just sit on the street waiting for someone to give them money in hope of the people passing by feeling sorry but in the end us human are the same in human nature. There are even some that use little children as bait to earn some cash for themselves but you won’t ever know do they actually need it or actually use it for other. What you see and know will not always be the truth because lies are within the truth.

I shake my head to get the thought out of my head and slowly walk toward him, stepping onto the water created by the heavy fall. I approach him but he didn’t notice me, he was too focus. I gently touch him on his shoulder and he quickly turns around with a surprised look, I can tell from his eye he is scared, he is afraid of me. I open my mouth ready to speak but he quickly jumps up and runs away screaming in fear. A drop of water fall from my eye, I couldn’t tell was it my tear or was it just the rain. “Was there a need to scream,” I whisper. He must have run far, he was out of sight. I notice he left the pack of cans behind, I guess he going to come back for it. The wind blow open the plastic bag just in the right timing, I kneel down and put in a few buck in it. There no need to be sad over him but he needs it unlike me.

I open my umbrella and walk out from the dark alley. I can hear the rain dripping hard onto the umbrella, as I cross the street the side light collapse onto the ground in front of me making me jump back. A tiny drop of rain land on my pinky making my blood boiled. There was a huge building around the corner, I walk toward there to escape from the rain as I don’t like it. I guess the rain won’t be stopping anytime sooner. The door of the building slide open, I step my foot in just to find plenty of humans is hiding here from the rain as well but I guess since it a huge building a lot of people would come here. I should have thought it sooner, how could I have thought simile them but I guess this show I’m just a human. They all look at me, staring at me with those hateful eyes of their, I can sense their eyesight all over me. I look at my surrounding and I feel like something going to happen. The smell around me makes my heart hurt.

In their eyes I’m not human, I’m just nobody. I know in this world no one will like me, and I won't like anyone. The world is so vast and big but no one accepts me, they are all disgusted by me, I’m just a lowly insect in a human form in their eyes. No one is by my side, I’m all alone in this world. I walked through the dark hallway, dark like my soul full of sadness the world has brought to me. If only I could die. If only I was never born. If only my knowledge was never developed, I could have been as innocent as those kid with a shining future in them living a normal life. This thought makes my heart pound hurtfully.

The scarf around my neck start to sufficient me, I couldn’t breathe, and it’s choking me. I continue walking deep inside the building showing no pain on my face. I show no feeling to human, when I'mm hurt no one notice even when I show it, I’m just an emotionless doll on the chance of death at any point as death is all around us in all different kind of shape. What I hope is for death to come to me already, to end the life that started. People say “kill me now” or “I want to die” but do they really want to die; they count life as a joke whereas the one that wants to die can’t die but the one joking about it die easily as they take life too easily. The one that keeps saying I want to die but still alive just indicated something is holding them back. What could it be? Are they scared of death after all? Or they just can’t let go of something? Could that be family, lover or the internet! Hahaha! How foolish can human be? The real reason they still aren’t dead yet is it not their time of death. How can some people suicide but end up surviving, death doesn't want them because there something in life that needs them to do. Life is a gamble where you could lose everything in one second and gain a whole much the next second but with a prize to pay; everything has a prize you got to pay even if you thought there is none. Even luck have a prize, you don’t just gain it and lose it in one night. Life have it pattern, life has its way it does things that human need to realize it.

I was born to this world to not be loved. The scarf continues to make me feel uncomfortable, it continues making me feel like I’m being choked; I quickly loosen the scarf up but the feeling was still there in my throat. I was suffering trying to fight off the hateful feeling building up on my neck, I really don’t like the smell of the air around this building. I remove my hair from the scarf as it lightens up the suffocation. I lay down next to the wall, breathing heavily trying to catch my breath. When one is alone their true natural will be shown, every human has a mask on outside their home, a completely different person that you won’t know about unless you catch them in their weakest moment of life. A mask can’t be broke unless an event happens that changed their lifestyle, a mask is something build from the young age of child and it will break when one life’s change as the mask is only used for their old lives. Will a new mask appear? It is hard to rebuild a mask that is once broken, the only way is to develop a new mask, a new lie. The mask I had on was broken that year when I step upon a new world that change my life; I try to rebuild the mask but it was never successful. I try leaving this fate but it didn’t completely work, life is needed to change that is why we human change all the time even I a cold-blooded human become warm once in a while.

A sudden noise breaks the silent of the dark. The noise got louder as I sit there waiting for what to approach. I suddenly recognize the noise, it's the sound of a footstep and it's approaching slowly. "What are you doing here," a voice suddenly pop out, a woman appear from the darkness of the hallway. "What is behind you?" she asked again but I still didn’t reply as I don’t know what she saying. She approaches closer to me and slowly put her hand on the wall. I was surprised it could be open but this lady was rude, she didn’t care about my location and open the door and hurtfully push me aside but I guess I was the rude one to not reply. A cool air flows out the open space and freezes the surrounding. I glance up at her face, she was having a shocking expression. She quickly throws herself out of the door and starts running back to the dark hallway. After a while, the sound of her footstep disappears leaving the space silent as it was. I get up and push the door shut without looking what in it. No wonder it was so cold, inside the wall was actually a freezer, the coldness, and the smell gave it off but I wonder what could have been in it. Curiosity is very strong in a human, we always want to know what in it or what they talking about.

My heart hurt again, it is so painful; I feel like crying but I couldn’t let myself to, I quickly blink away the water in my eye but my heart still hurt so badly. Nobody even appreciates what I do, none actually cared about me even when I care about them, showing them I care but what they show to me is no concern. They don’t even know how I have lived my life, what they know is just the mask of me. My kindness toward them might have been fake but they won’t even know it, but showing me nothing is even harsher than a fake kindness. Something is always better than nothing. My eye starts to get more watery, I try blinking them away but a drop roll down a bit but I quickly wipe it away. My heart feels like it’s breaking into pieces, it hurt so badly. Everyone always lies, it is painful; it not possible to trust someone, even when you don’t you will still tell them or show them something you never told anyone but would this actually count as trust? Everyone do something that they don’t want other to do to them, it is just a human nature to want something but don’t want something bad to happen to them. You don’t want other to hurt you in any way but you will be doing it to someone else because you don’t want it to happen to yourself; humanly is always selfish.

I feel like my life is ending soon; I just wish I can lose my memory and restart my life. I curl up in a ball laying my head down on my arm. My life was already not mine no matter how I think it belongs to me. I can’t beat fate, I can’t beat the world. I just wish everything could just stop. Should I just let my life to be control? The freedom I’m looking for will never come. The life I had might not have belonged to me. The puzzle can’t be solved. The sadness of life just wouldn’t go away. Time is limited, it better to just do what you want before the time come. Life always comes and go, everything just disappears one day no matter how long they had live, thousands or millions of year the life will still end just like the life that went extinct in the world. When we die the world will change but do human really get to be reborn after death? I believe when you die you will get to experience the real truth of the world.

I start to feel tired, I make myself get up on my feet. I sure not in a good mood because of the rain but there no need to continue sitting here. Touching the wall as it lead me to the outside from the darkness. A peak of light shines through my eye making me feel like throwing up. The people at the entrance not there anymore. I m all alone. The door slide open when I approach it, a glaze of wind blow right at me; the wind feels so magical. The rain is still falling but I can't feel the pain anymore. I walk out to the open and continue walking, unsure of the destination.

A woman pops out from the corner holding a half dead child, the face is already burned to the point you can't see the feature anymore. "HELP," shout the woman. "HELP HIM, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!" she cries. She knees down in front of me, putting her child in front of her, she bows her head down on the child crying for my help. "Please child, save him," she politely speaks. 

I look down at her, staring at her situation. "I can't save him." I walk to the side of her and walk away. "He dead."

"NO! He not dead yet, he still breathing. Please, child o...."

The sound of the rain overpower her last message to me, I didn't hear her but I can guess what she says. The sound of the rain drop, I could hear the woman crying mix into the rain. "There's a building around the corner, put him into the coldness place and he shall live."

How nice to receive a mother love. Thinking back, will my mother do that for me if I was at the point of dying. Even now I don't know if she ever did love me, did she give birth to me without any love? A love from a mother can really change a lot of things. It is the parent fault to make a child end up in the darkness if they actually love you and care for you, human wouldn't want to die so much but then again there are also other causes.

I wonder am I crazy? I know I’m crazy because, I am crazy, but do the things I think crazy too. It just the inner feeling of human of people that went through sadness, people who live on the bright side will never understand the feeling the people living in the dark side, you will just think I’m retarded. This not even everything yet but the time coming up soon.

Thunderstrike the sky, startling me; my heart skips a beat. I don’t even know how long have past. My body start to get tired, my mind starts to shut down as I slowly fall onto the ground, everything become silent as my mind become totally blank… 

When I open my eye, all I see is the brightness, the light shining into my eye.

© Copyright 2018 kirarin. All rights reserved.

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