Akin to humanity

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: December 29, 2016

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Submitted: December 29, 2016




I lie to her, I have no choice it is what we do for the people we love. I tell her I still want her not knowing why I keep digging deeper into this hole.
The truth is I’ve grown tired of her, looking at her, touching her skin, I watch her deteriorate slowly, and I'm repulsed by her mortality her 28’th birthday ticks by like a clock ticking to its count down, counting down to the end or in my case to the day I no longer have to feign love. The ring on my finger, the ring she placed so long ago carries the weight of my deceit.
When I meet her it’s like an atom bomb explodes in my mind, in my space.  She can’t be more than 17 but I’m instantly captivated.
Janey is 34 and aging more noticeably every day.
Her name is Autumn, we laugh at the irony, she was born in Florida the only place where autumn doesn’t exist. The first time we kiss every molecule in my body demands more.
Janey bombards me with questions when I get home, I understood, it was her human response to an absent and neglectful situation. I had been mentally gone for years, just putting in just enough effort for her to register it as a relationship, but she couldn't ignore the physical absence, It was  true, I haven't been home for days.
 I suddenly saw no need to lie and the subtle lines that crisscrossed her tired face like streets on a map were quickly filled with wet drops of all the pain I caused. I told her about Autumn and she cursed my very existence. Her words were sharp and flat as she threw clothes into a suit case I couldn’t help but stare. I was so shocked at what she had become a shadow a distorted memory of a woman I used to love.
She slammed the door a last cry of protest before she walked out of my life forever, we both knew I wouldn’t follow but still she put it out there for me to silently reject.
A photo fell from the wall an enlarged photo of our first date, we went to a street fair and a stranger offered to immortalize this day with a photo
Janie stood beside me body angled towards mine her long hair blowing in the wind behind us, and me untouched by time looking at her hands clasped around my arm.
Autumn was waiting for me in the door way when I arrived to her home. She told me her mother wasn’t home and wouldn’t be for the rest of the week.
We made love that night her virginity breaking against my skin lubricated her first sexual experience. She moaned softly into my collar bone but never once complained. When we finished I couldn’t help but feel elated, but also something else something terrible a thought so 
As she slipped into a pink robe I couldn’t help but think of Janey and remember she used to be this way once too all pink and new the realization that more than age had happened to Janey stole my breath and with my head spinning I had to sit down. I had happened to her, I had caused her downfall.
I should have ran, I should have known I was the poison to those in this world that like I was no longer like, but I didn’t. I'm selfish
6 years later autumn gives me a look that pure janey. Although she has changed some she hasn’t aged a day since we met. It was a comfort to know what she was strong and could keep up with me. I did miss her blonde hair though it lit up around her small face and made her look ethereal and angelic. 
She was feeling moody one day last April she chopped her hair to her shoulders and dyed it chocolate brown, its grown out some and her blonde peaks through, but I know she'll dye it, much to my display, she's not the girl I met all those years ago.
These days I think of Janey how thoughtful she was and how she gave me any and everything I ever wanted to the point where she gave when she gave longer had.
She the hated the cracks and she tried to fill then as quickly as she could hoping I wouldn’t see.
But I did, I always did.
I took advantage of her kindness and her willingness to love.
Autumn was beautiful, selfish and completely unaware of what was going on around her practically a force of nature.  Qualities I valued in nature but hated in my apartment.
When Janey died of cancer she was 42 and I did not attend the funeral. I knew deep down she wouldn’t have wanted me there her hate and malcontent for me only grew with her sickness. I honored her memory the only way I knew how. I drank alone and played the songs of her youth to guide her to the beyond I was sure I’d never reach.
Autumns says she wants a baby, she tells me about their small hands and infinite trust and love for those who care for them. As she bends over to pick up an egg carton from the floor I can’t help but look at her. Her body is the perfect hourglass and although she doesn’t watch what she eats or exercises she’s maintained this figure.
I feel a tug of pride but also of fear because I know she won’t look this way forever and I fear the day she is no longer perfect and subsequently the day I’m will no longer be interested, but for now she is still young and beautiful and as I swell I will focus on giving her what she wants because I know there is an expiration date stamped on this love and a child should be a suitable gift to give someone I had loved so.



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