Mental

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
I'm normal. I feel normal. I look normal. I think I'm normal. People think I'm normal. Yet, why is it that my family thinks I'm crazy?

Submitted: December 30, 2016

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Submitted: December 30, 2016

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Have you ever thought about your purpose in life? I bet you did (if you’re over 20). Most teenagers go through this “phase” where they think about the reason they were given life by their parents, by God, or by accident. If you say you’ve never thought about this at least once in your lifetime--geez, stop lying to yourself.

What’s the meaning of life? What will you contribute to this world? What will I contribute to this world? This is a joke. I can’t even make my family believe I’m more or less normal (can’t even believe I’m smart). My parents can’t seem to figure out why I do well in school. I do phenomenally at school and I never miss an honor roll. I play the violin and the piano and I’ve won quite a few titles. Plus, I’ve participated in martial arts competitions and tournaments and won two silver medals. Everyone around me thinks I’m better than normal. I, at least, want to think I’m normal. I want to think I have a loving family. I want to think everyone loves me. I want to think that I’m best at what I do and I can do better than anyone else in anything I do. This is what I wish. It’ll never come true.

My family thinks I’m mental. They think I’m crazy. They think it’s only proper to throw me into a mental hospital and rot in there forever. What. A. Joke. I can’t believe they think that’ll work on me. No one will believe them. If they ever do, people will think they’re crazy. Only reason they don’t do it.

I believe I’m better than normal. Maybe that’s the reason I think I am superior over everyone else. Once, when my grandpa was alive, he told my mom, “that lad will think himself smarter than a university professor!” This was when I was seven. Honestly, sometimes I think that I am better than my professor. Some are just crazy. Crazier than me. Some are just plain stupid. I can’t believe they became professors. Back to my point, it is true that I’m highly self-conscious in a way that makes me best in anything and everything and selfish. I admit, I am quite selfish. I mean, I bet there isn’t one person in this world who isn’t selfish for at least one thing or person in this world. Is it too much to ask to be left alone and do my thing? Apparently so.

How to explain this.. I have priorities. Well, everyone does. However it’s a bit of a problem in my family because unfortunately, my family is very traditional. I may even say it’s very “old-style” and not “modern”. My parents believe in sex after marriage, arranged marriages, no alcohol, no drugs, no smoking, etc. Not that I have a problem with this. It’s just that, you know, today’s generation and propaganda. It seeps into everyone’s daily life. Everyone around me is “liberal” and it gets on my nerve. Well, funny that I say this because I guess I’m “liberal” in my family in the sense that I don’t always follow their rules; on the contrary, I oppose it to the point where they explode and I get in trouble. I’m used to getting in trouble now and I’m a child that my parents gave up on. Too bad I have to live with them for the rest of my life even though I can never understand human psychology. I mean, it’s funny. I took psychology in high school and in college and got an A for both. I understand the fundamental concepts and ideas but I just can’t place a finger on the thought I have for my family. I can pretty much understand what today’s generation is thinking because they’re stupid. And easily swayed. Proof is on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, you get my point.

I think it’s a matter of personality. My family is “pure”. I’m “dirty”. I just can’t seem to take in words as they mean. I seem to twist the words told to me and conjure up images that harm me. So, as a result, I put up a defensive stance where I always say, “I didn’t do it!” or “No, I didn’t do it!” or “I DIDN’T DO IT!”. Yeah, something like that. It’s always about me. It’s probably because I’m selfish right? I’m greedy, selfish, dirty, disgusting, a monster, a slut, and a whore (which is really funny that I get called this because I don’t sleep around).

Tell me, what do you think is the problem here? Why do I think I’m always the victim? It seems like I always victimize myself. Mental illness? Instability? I don’t know--but one thing is true. I can act like I’m not what I am. I’m quite an actor myself. No one, except the ones I live with, seem to know what I really am. I believe this is what you call “the wolf in sheep skin”. Lol, I’ve made my parents seem crazy, when they’re not, and I am.

I like being superior. Did I mention that? The feeling of others knowing their inferiority in my presence is delicious. What to do?

I guess I will have to be alone forever. Forever alone within my family. Not forever alone in real life. My thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and ideals are not parallel with my family. I am stained. I am dirty. I need to be cleansed, but it is impossible. This is my life. I cannot change it. This is why I will end up in hell and die pitch black and blood red.

Learn the values and love of your family--learn from my failures. Mental illness is an illness. “It can be fixed,” the doctors say. A joke, 100%. It cannot be fixed. It will plague you till the day you die. It will plague me till the day I die. The love of family? Nonexisting. No one understands me. It’s fine; I have no plans to understand them either. Till the day I die, I will try to change, with no hope. Till the day I die, I will be myself and slowly or quickly die. I hope I die soon. I wonder how I will die? Will I drown? Get hit by a car? Fall off a roof? Get a heart attack? Stabbed in the heart? Hit in the head? There are just too many ways to die but I hope it looks like an accident. There are many ways to stage a death. Just be an actor. Like me.


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