I awake today from what I believed to be a bad dream but it was more like a vision from my higher power. It was showing me that you can’t trade one addiction for another. I am fresh out of rehab. I literally was discharged yesterday. I could blame it on the sleeping medications that they are prescribing me but if I am going to be honest with myself I have not had a dream of this capacity for well over two weeks now.
In the dream, I am sleeping in the bed that I am in real life actually sleeping on when I keep getting text messages and phone calls. The interruptions eventually wake me up and I answer the phone and it is the voice of someone that I had liked and was hoping would reach out to me some time or another. The voice starts off by saying “do you know who this is?’ I responded yes. I believe deep down inside it was my lustfulness that answered that question. I wonder what kind of response I would have gotten if I would have said no…. well too late for that unfortunately.
Somehow, I end up being picked up by a chauffeur and he is driving me to a destination. Now that I think about it more and more it does seem more divine than anything. I wish I would have realized it sooner. So, I am in the car and I am pretty sure that since I responded with lust instead of faith that the driver was the devil. I keep remembering the menacing grin and him telling me that we are almost there and laughing hysterically driving an all-black Bentley, like come on does that seem like a humble thing to drive at all?
I suddenly feel this aching in my stomach. Like something is trying to pull me back to reality. I was trying to get in touch with the person that the “devil” was supposed to be taking me to see and they were not answering the phone. I felt something was wrong. I am not quite sure what would have happened if I the dream kept on going but when I came to my senses I was sitting on the edge of my bed when I woke up from my dream with my hand to my right ear talking on an imaginary phone.
It was a very scary feeling and I had to take a double look at my hand to make sure there was no actual phone there. I found my phone and checked my call logs and there were no calls or text aside from the ones that I made from the night before. My head started to spin and I started to have heart palpitations. I was very afraid and the only coping tool that I could think of at the time was to jump out of bed run out in the freezing cold in my basketball shorts and have a cigarette so I could process this correctly.
What I learned from this is the moment you allow your secondary desires trump what you know what your heart needs the most which in my case is to focus on my sobriety…. You will fail. You can’t have it both ways. Do one thing at a time. Yes, it may be difficult and lonely at times because everyone else is not doing it. But I’m not doing this for everyone else I’m doing it for myself. I hope this story helps someone that is struggling with either peer pressure or self-reassurance issues. Do what’s right! You can NEVER go wrong doing that.
Muneer Gonsalves 12-31-16
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