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I daily struggle in my life, and millions of others.

Submitted: January 08, 2017

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Submitted: January 08, 2017

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  I lay awake at night dreaming of you.  Just one more, it won't hurt, how could it?  Everything we've been through.  The good days, the bad days, the normal days.  You were there for everything.  I think about you everyday.  I can still taste you, smell you, feel you.  I salirivate at the thought of just one more.  We can relive the glory days!  Oh how sweet it would be.

  But I forget about those bad days.  How dark they were.  The isolation, the lies, the stealing.  The mess, the absolute disaster that was my life.  The smell.  Oh the smell!  The wretched stench of myself, my car, my room.  Animalistic.  My body decaying with each day.  My teeth rotting, my nose disintegrating, my skin graying.  Taking another step down into my grave one gram at a time.  The loneliness, the crippling, debilitating loneliness.  The pure misery of screaming with know one to hear.  Wanting it to end but being to scared to stop.  

  I've never opened myself up to another human being.  You were the only one I told my secrets too.  My one true confidant. The only one I could truly confide in.  But at what cost?

  I miss you.  Yet I hate you.  I feel like ripping myself apart, but that's what you want isn't it?  I feel the walls closing in.  It's like a morbid game where death is the inevitable winner.  

  But just when I feel like dying, I hear this tiny voice in my head.  It is microscopic, tinier than an atom.  But it reverberates around the walls of my skull.  It tells me to keep fighting, to claw, to kick, scratch, bite, punch, scream.  To continue fighting against the demons that I silently carry inside my soul.  So I fight, I don't know what else to do.  You're a son of a bitch.  But I love you. But I hate you.  So I fight.  Just for today I keep fighting.  With every fiber of my being.  


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