The Donahues Episode 260

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
As 2017 begins, Ryan increasingly fears becoming like his father. Renee calls upon Ethan to babysit his grandson Kyle, and Ethan becomes introspective about his parenting skills. Madeline develops a crush on a new employee at the cryotherapy clinic, but nobody can understand why

Submitted: January 09, 2017

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Submitted: January 09, 2017

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THE DONAHUES

 

“BEGOTTEN”

 

TV-MA DLSV

 

“This is the trick. Forget a terrible year. That we can break the laws, until it gets weird”

  • James Murphy

 

(We start with Ryan, Michael and Oleander sitting in Michael’s apartment. A bottle of Champagne is sitting on the table before them as they watch New Year’s celebrations on TV. Some balloons reading “2017” and others reading “Fucking End, 2016, My God” are floating around)

 

RYAN: 2016 has only two more hours with which to torture us.

 

OLEANDER: I don’t know why people are so excited for 2016 to end. As if 2017 is going to be any better. Donald Trump actually BECOMES President in 2017! Sounds like 2017 is going to be much worse.

 

RYAN: Well, even if that’s true, the way Trump is talking about nuclear weapons, 2017 might be merciful and end early.

 

MICHAEL: He’s just beating his chest.

 

RYAN: Unfortunately, I think you’re right.

 

OLEANDER: 2016 just took George Michael, Carrie Fisher, and even our beautiful friend Chance.

 

(Ryan nods and takes out three champagne flutes. Ryan pours cough syrup into his flute, and pours champagne into Oleander and Michael’s cups)

 

OLEANDER: Could I have gasoline in my mine?

 

RYAN: I’m cutting you off.

 

(Ryan pushes the champagne towards Oleander)

 

OLEANDER: We still don’t know what happened to Chance.

 

RYAN: Doesn’t mean we should huff gasoline out of a champagne flute!
 

OLEANDER: YOU’RE DRINKING COUGH SYRUP!

 

RYAN: I’M SAD, OKAY!??!

 

MICHAEL: You guys are literal junkies. I, on the other hand, cope by neglecting all my responsibilities.

 

RYAN: Cope with Chance’s death or just-

 

MICHAEL: I cope with life in general that way.

 

RYAN: Got it.

 

OLEANDER: Where’s your boyfriend, by the way?

 

RYAN: We broke up a few weeks ago.

 

OLEANDER: What?! C’mon brother, you can’t let everyone go! You break up with everybody!

 

RYAN: We decided it was for the best. For now.

MICHAEL: Have you seen him lately?

 

RYAN: No. I haven’t. You know my threesome agreement with Zach and Terrence?

 

MICHAEL: Unfortunately, I do.

 

RYAN: Well, I feel weird about doing it now for a few reasons. First off, I’m not dating Terrence anymore, and secondly, my dad has the same agreement with his girlfriend and ex-wife.

 

OLEANDER: Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

 

RYAN: Yeah.

 

OLEANDER: How do you know that!?

 

RYAN: At Christmas, his ex-wife basically told us. My Aunt Kaley also told me on the phone that Scrooge was pro-choice. It was a revelatory day.

 

OLEANDER: But you’re making money off it, right?
 

MICHAEL: Dude, his dad is doing it. Plus, it’s gay shit.

 

OLEANDER: Why do you act like you’re against gay shit? You’re bi!
 

MICHAEL: Not anymore.

 

OLEANDER: I’m just saying, I once screwed an old man in the rain for fifty bucks. Money makes the world go ‘round.

 

OLEANDER: Ugh.

 

RYAN: I know, the money’s great, but I’m just gonna have to see how it feels when I get back to Plattsburgh. Whether I wanna keep doing it, or find a job at the school’s book store or something-ugh. God forbid.

 

(Cut to Madeline and Peter sitting at the dinner table in Madeline’s apartment with the Rizzolis. Madeline is opening a bottle of champagne. Peter is wearing 2017 novelty glasses and a red hat that says “MAKE 2016 END ALREADY”. Madeline opens the bottle)

 

MADELINE: Finally.

 

(Myra takes out two champagne flutes and places them on the table)

 

MYRA: Go ahead and pour.

 

(Madeline pours champagne into Mr. and Mrs. Rizzoli’s flutes)

 

MR. RIZZOLI: I’ve always thought champagne is the corn bread of alcohol.

 

PETER: I agree. It’s so dull.

 

MADELINE: Do you want me to pour it out?

 

MYRA: No! Forgive my husband, being in the marijuana business, he forgets his manners on the reg.

 

MR. RIZZOLI: And my wife, being in the marijuana business, learns terms like that.

 

MYRA: It’s pretty lit.

 

PETER: Myra, you’re honestly the most lit woman I know.

 

MYRA: Thank you, Peter. I’ve enjoyed working with you.

 

PETER: I’ve enjoyed getting high on the company’s supply.

 

MR. RIZZOLI: You don’t really do that, do you?

 

(Peter laughs uncomfortably)

 

PETER: No, ‘course not.

 

(Peter takes off his novelty glasses and starts pouring champagne for himself in his own flute)

 

MADELINE: Is the medical marijuana business good this year?

 

MR. RIZZOLI: Oh yeah, it’s been great. There are so many people with aching feet in Providence, it’s crazy profitable.

 

PETER: But once Trump becomes President, Jeff Sessions is going to start raiding dispensaries again.

 

MR. RIZZOLI: Yeah. We might need to go underground again.

 

MADELINE: No! I don’t want Peter working in an illegal operation.

 

PETER: I’d be okay with it. (Peter takes out a pack of cigarettes and pulls a cigarette from it) As long as we can literally work underground. I want to be in one of those labs like in Breaking Bad. And I also read an article about how mole people are real, and I want to look into that.

 

(Peter puts the cigarette in his mouth and takes out a cheap lighter to light it. He inhales and exhales the smoke)

 

MADELINE: Haven’t you heard about the fake news hysteria? Stop reading Facebook.

 

PETER: All fake news is real, the mainstream media is trying to distract you.

 

MR. RIZZOLI: How are things at the Cryotherapy place?

 

MADELINE: Things are great. One of the customers gave me a tip the other day. I’ve never gotten a tip from anybody, even when I delivered pizzas.

 

(Peter takes a drag)

 

PETER: Have you hired a new assistant yet?

 

MADELINE: Yeah, I did. It’s interesting he has this-

 

(Mr. Rizzoli is looking at his watch)

 

MR. RIZZOLI: Shit, we’re gonna miss the ball drop. Quick, turn on the TV.

 

(They all get up and walk over to the living room and sit down. Madeline turns the TV on. NBC is in the middle of their countdown)

 

MADELINE, MYRA, MR. RIZZOLI AND PETER: EIGHTEEN! SEVENTEEN! SIXTEEN!

 

(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Anella counting down in a bar. There are a ton of other people around, wearing New Year’s Hats and Novelty glasses. Anella and Ethan look annoyed, but Fiona looks very excited)

 

ETHAN, FIONA AND ANELLA: FIFTEEN! FOURTEEN! THIRTEEN! TWELVE! ELEVEN!

 

(Cut to Jacob standing in the desert looking offscreen while General MaGarthur writes on a notepad behind him)

 

JACOB: Ten, nine, eight-

 

GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Which is it, Donahue, ten, nine or eight bodies?

 

JACOB: It’s hard to tell, because some of them are on top of each other.

 

(Cut to Renee sitting at home with Kyle, who is now one and a half)

 

RENEE AND KYLE: Seven, six, five-

 

(Cut to Kimberly and Luke sitting at an outdoor restaurant in Hansbay Town Center, holding glasses of wine, while watching the outdoor TV, as many people are doing)

 

KIMBERLY AND LUKE: Four, three, Two-

 

(Cut to Ryan, Michael and Oleander in Michael’s apartment, watching the coverage)

 

RYAN, MICHAEL AND OLEANDER: ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

 

(Ryan takes out a 2016 Calendar)

 

RYAN: Fuck off and die, 2016!

 

(Ryan lights the calendar on fire with his lighter)

 

MICHAEL: Why do you have a lighter?

 

RYAN: I developed some bad habits during my three straight days in that club.

 

MICHAEL: You’re such an edge lord.

 

(Cut to Madeline walking into the Cryotherapy Center on Monday morning. She turns on the lights, goes behind the desk, and changes her flip calendar from December 23, 2016 to January 2, 2017. She sets down her bag and turns on her computer. She sighs)

 

MADELINE: Come on, hurry up.

 

(An average-looking brown-haired guy in his late twenties walks over to Madeline’s counter)

 

GUY: Happy New Year, Maddie.

 

(Madeline’s eyes light up)

 

MADELINE: Hey Bryan, Happy New Year!
 

BRYAN: Where were you last night? I had a New Year’s Party at the Ping Pong.

 

MADELINE: Oh, yeah, I couldn’t make it, Peter wanted to have it at our apartment with the Rizzolis. Plus, it was our anniversary, we met on New Year’s Eve last year. Under a very bizarre set of circumstances.

 

BRYAN: Oh, neat. Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself. At my thing, we had free pizza and trivia.

 

MADELINE: That sounds so awesome. Did you get any questions right?

 

BRYAN: Not one.

 

 

MADELINE: Awesome!

 

BRYAN: My stomach hurts from how much pizza I ate, honestly.

 

MADELINE: That’s so cool, how much did you eat?

 

BRYAN: Like, two boxes at least.

 

MADELINE: That’s crazy. Is that a record?

 

BRYAN: For me? Far from it.

 

MADELINE: Awesome.

 

BRYAN: Are we still having that start of the year meeting at 12?

 

MADELINE: Yes.

 

BRYAN: Goddamnit.

 

MADELINE: See ya then!!

 

BRYAN: See ya.

 

(Bryan walks away, revealing that he has a prosthetic leg. Madeline smiles, seemingly smitten. A female co-worker walks over to Madeline)

 

FEMALE CO-WORKER: What are you smiling about?

 

MADELINE: What do you mean, Sophie? He’s funny.

 

SOPHIE: No, he’s not. He’s just a weird, greasy, weirdo. Have you seen his car? He hasn’t cleaned it out since the Bush administration.

 

MADELINE: I think he’s charming.

 

SOPHIE: Girl. I know your eyes are blinking, but all I can see are two vaginas blinking.

 

MADELINE: Please, Sophie, I have a boyfriend.

 

SOPHIE: It’s fine to have a back-up plan. I have a back-up plan for my current boyfriend, and a back-up plan for my back-up plan. At this rate, I have relationships lined up for the next five years, complete with break-up speeches and restaurant reservations where said break-ups will take place.

 

MADELINE: Huh. I guess there’s nothing wrong with scoping out replacements. It’s just pragmatic.

 

SOPHIE: But honestly, honey, you are out of his league. I saw him eating Cheetos in the bathroom the other day.

 

MADELINE: That’s quirky.

 

SOPHIE: It’s just weird and gross, what is wrong with you?

 

MADELINE: I’ll see you at the noon meeting, Sophie.

 

(Sophie sighs)

 

SOPHIE: See ya then.

 

(Cut to the strategy meeting, in the conference room. “2017 STRATEGY MEETING” is written on the white board behind Madeline, who is leading the meeting. Bryan, Sophie and three other employees are sitting around the table)

 

MADELINE: Happy New Year, you guys. This is going to, hopefully be, a better year than 2016.

 

SOPHIE: Something tells me that’s unlikely.

 

MADELINE: In the meantime, though, we need ideas to expand our business’ reach in 2017. No bad ideas, just say them.

 

SOPHIE: I was thinking, the high school is just down the street, why don’t we advertise how our cryotherapy is available to seventeen year olds as long as they have parental consent? If they knew that, maybe we would get more business. We could put flyers on posts near the High School, or advertise on social media.

 

MADELINE: I like where your head’s at, but High School was hard enough for me, I don’t want to relive it.

 

SOPHIE: What?

 

MADELINE: Anyone else?

 

BRYAN: Yeah, I got something.

 

MADELINE: Ooh, what is it?

 

BRYAN: How about we should let customers keep the pens when they sign their receipts. Makes ‘em feel welcome.

 

SOPHIE: That would just drain our budget-

 

MADELINE: I love it. The promotion can be called “Just Take It”! Great idea, Bryan.

 

BRYAN: Thanks.

 

(Bryan lean back in his chair)

 

SOPHIE: So we’re doing that?
 

MADELINE: Yep!
 

(Madeline gets up and writes “GOOD IDEAS” and under that, writes “Just Take It”. She then writes “bad ideas” and puts “reliving high school” under it)

 

SOPHIE: Is that necessary?

 

(Madeline turns to the table)

 

MADELINE: Okay, any more ideas? It can’t just be Bryan and Sophie coming up with all the ideas.

 

EMPLOYEE: I was thinking-

 

BRYAN: Ooh! I got another idea!
 

MADELINE: YES! Bryan, go ahead.

 

(The employee furrows his brow)

 

BRYAN: The women in this office could wear perfume, so the customers feel less uncomfortable around them and their odor.

 

SOPHIE: What?! Come on!

 

MADELINE: I 100% agree. Ladies, we are not exempt from hygiene standards!

 

SOPHIE: Bryan always smells like ravioli!

 

MADELINE: I love ravioli, personally.

 

BRYAN: Who doesn’t?

 

(Cut to Renee holding Kyle, who is now one and a half years old, while speaking with Jacob over Skype. Jacob is in his bed at base)

 

RENEE: Say hi to daddy, Kyle.

 

KYLE: Hi daddy!
 

JACOB: Hey Kyle!

 

KYLE: Where are you, daddy?

 

JACOB: I’m in war, kiddo.

 

KYLE: What?

 

RENEE: Don’t worry about that, Kyle. Daddy’s not in war, he’s in, a laser tag.

 

JACOB: You’re gonna confuse him!

 

KYLE: Come home!
 

JACOB: I can’t, buddy. I’m in war.

 

RENEE: Laser war.

 

JACOB: REAL war.

 

KYLE: I don’t get it.

 

JACOB: I’ll be back next month, son. My tour will be up by then, unless it’s extended. I love you, okay?

 

KYLE: Are you a computer?

 

RENEE: No, sweetheart, your daddy’s a person.

 

JACOB: I’ll see you soon enough, Ky-Ky! Love you.

 

RENEE: Say goodbye to your daddy, Kyle.

 

KYLE: Bye bye computer!
 

JACOB: Bye buddy! Love you, Renee. Happy New Year.

 

RENEE: Love you too, Jacob. Happy New Year.

 

(Renee blows a kiss to Jacob. Jacob hangs up. Renee closes her laptop and sighs. She holds Kyle in her arms)

 

RENEE: I’m so glad I’m going out tonight. I’ve felt so cooped up in this place, baby.

 

KYLE: Mama.

 

RENEE: I’ve had no time for Wednesday Church, even. And forget daily church bake sales.

 

KYLE: Cookies.

 

RENEE: Good, Kyle, cookies. When is the babysitter gonna get here? (Renee’s phone rings, and she answers it) Patricia?

 

PATRICIA: (On the phone) Heyyy. This is Patricia.

 

RENEE: Are you on your way?

 

PATRICIA: I’m not coming, because I forgot this was happening and my boyfriend wants to go see Rogue One.

 

RENEE: What the heck? You can’t just skip out on the last minute because you don’t feel like it!
 

PATRICIA: I know, it’s a cunt move. I totally get it if you only pay me half of what I’m owed.

 

RENEE: I’m not paying you anything, you’re not babysitting at all!

 

PATRICIA: Wow. And I’M the cunt.

 

RENEE: I never called you a cunt- (Patricia hangs up) okay, yeah. She hangs up on ME. Makes sense. Dang it. (Renee sighs) Now who’s gonna babysit you?

 

KYLE: Daddy.

 

RENEE: No, your father’s in the laser war on the moon, sweetie. Wait. What about grandpa?

 

KYLE: Grandpa!

 

RENEE: Perfect, I’ll call Grandpa.

 

(Cut to Ethan, Greg Deters, Mayor-elect Satch and Mayor Alexander in a meeting room at City Hall)

 

ETHAN: Happy New Year, guys, although you two are my enemies who fought me and have lost so bad that you don’t know what to do. Sad!

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Very good, Councilman-elect Donahue. Councilman Deters will fill you in on the moving schedule for his office.

 

COUNCILMAN DETERS: I just have to take the framed picture of my son and the lubricant in my desk drawer, and I’ll be moved out. (They squint at him) Those two things are unrelated, trust me!
 

ETHAN: I wasn’t implying they were- (Ethan gets a call) hold on. (Ethan checks his phone to see its Rene) Oh shit, this might be important, let me take this.

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Donahue, I told you, put your phone in the bucket outside!
 

ETHAN: You’re so paranoid, Jesus. (Ethan walks out of the room and into the hallway as he answers the phone. A bucket of phones is next to the door) Renee, what’s going on?

 

RENEE: I need you to babysit your grandson tonight, is that okay?

 

ETHAN: Why can’t you?

 

RENEE: Why can’t I babysit my own child?

 

ETHAN: Dumb question, fair enough.

 

RENEE: I’m going out with friends tonight. It’s about time you get involved in your grandson’s life anyway, Mr. Donahue.

 

ETHAN: You’re right. You’re right. I’ll cancel my visit to Sarandon’s grave and babysit Kyle.

 

RENEE: Cool. Come over at 7. I’ll be back at 1am, probably.

 

ETHAN: Great. Bye-bye.

 

RENEE: God bless!

 

(Renee hangs up. Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: Poor Brian. I’ll visit you someday, buddy.

 

(Cut to Ethan knocking on the door of Renee’s apartment. Renee opens up, wearing a dress and carrying a purse)

 

RENEE: Hey Mr. Donahue!
 

ETHAN: Hi, Renee.

 

(They hug, and then detach)

 

RENEE: Just remember to feed him in an hour, give him water, read Genesis cover to cover for him, and then maybe put on a little Netflix for him.

 

ETHAN: Like, what, Black Mirror?

 

RENEE: Like Baby Genius, Mr. Donahue.

 

ETHAN: Of course.

 

RENEE: Have fun! Play with the little guy too.

 

ETHAN: Where is he?

 

RENEE: In his crib right now.

 

ETHAN: Okay.

 

(Renee walks out, and Ethan walks in)

 

RENEE: See ya!
 

ETHAN: Bye. (Ethan closes the door. Ethan walks over to Kyle’s crib, and sees Kyle relaxing there, wide awake) Hey, buddy. It’s your grandpa. (Kyle starts crying) Aggggh. Those piercing cries bring me brutal flashbacks to when Ryan was a baby. He cried almost non-stop until he was eight.

 

(Cut to Ryan sitting in a theatre room, watching Begotten, a surreal, silent horror film from the early 1990s. He is watching the scene where God is disemboweling himself. God is depicted as a figure in a bloody white sheet sitting on a throne. Ominous music plays in the background. Ryan is eating Junior Mints as he watches it. Zach walks in)

 

ZACH: So, you found my horror collection, huh?

 

(Zach walks over and sits down next to Ryan)

 

RYAN: No, I brought this here, you have this movie?

 

ZACH: No, I do not. Sorry, I thought this was Blair Witch, what the fuck is this?

 

RYAN: It’s called Begotten. It’s a silent film where God disembowels himself.

 

ZACH: Oh my God, it’s so unpleasant to watch.

 

RYAN: I know. I feel physically sick watching it. It’s great.

 

(Ryan eats another Junior Mint. Zach covers his eyes)

 

ZACH: My God, when is Terrence gonna be here?

 

RYAN: Should be soon.

 

(Terrence runs in and runs towards Ryan, smiling. Ryan gets up and is hugged by Terrence, as they spin around)

 

TERRENCE: Heyyyy, emo trash!
 

RYAN: I missed you, man.

 

TERRENCE: I missed you too. (Terrence lets go of Ryan) Is this the footage from your nightmare last night?

 

RYAN: I wish. Let’s go get ready for uh, this business transaction.

 

TERRENCE: Alright.

 

(Terrence turns to Zach)

 

ZACH: Hi, Terry.

 

TERRENCE: Good to see you again, Zach.

 

(Terrence and Zach shake hands)

 

RYAN: Very business-like, good, good. Can we go downstairs and get this over with now?

 

ZACH: C’mon, I think I deserve a little bit of cat & mouse.

 

RYAN: Cat and mouse?

 

ZACH: Yeah, I even have cheese. (Zach takes out a block of swiss cheese) Let’s tease this thing out.

 

TERRENCE: Do you have a giant mouse trap?

 

ZACH: Yeah.

 

RYAN: Really?!

 

ZACH: I’m rich and lonely, why not?

 

RYAN: Alright, I just personally want to make this quick.

 

ZACH: Well, that’s just no fun.

 

(Zach sits down and crosses his arms)

 

RYAN: Jesus, fine, we’ll do a regular length in-out, God, you child.

 

(Zach stands up, giddy)

 

ZACH: Yay!

 

(Ryan, Zach and Terrence head out of the room. Cut to Ryan, Zach and Terrence having sex. Terrence is taking Zach from behind as Ryan takes Terrence from behind)

 

TERRENCE: OHH! OHH! (Ryan looks uncomfortable) Oh, fuck me, Mr. Donahue! OH, FUCK ME, MR. DONAHUE!!

 

RYAN: Don’t call me that.

 

ZACH: Is the caboose talking?!

 

TERRENCE: I think that’s Thomas’ job!

 

RYAN: Can we just go back to the mouse & cheese thing!?

 

TERRENCE: No, Mr. Donahue, we CAN’T! OHHH!

 

RYAN: O-okay, I just-

 

(Terrence turns his head around and he suddenly has the face of Fiona)

 

FIONA: Are you okay!?

 

RYAN: AHHH!!!

 

(Ryan blinks a couple times and Terrence’s face goes back to normal)

 

TERRENCE: What!?

 

RYAN: Sorry, I just- I can’t- I have to-  bye.

 

(Ryan pulls out and wonders over to his pants and starts putting them on)

 

ZACH: Hey, I’m paying you for the full hour!
 

TERRENCE: Yeah, and now I’m just having butt sex with my ex. You made this weird!
 

(Ryan puts on his shirt)

 

RYAN: Yeah, because it was SO NORMAL!!

 

(Ryan runs out of the room. Terrence pulls out of Zach)

 

TERRENCE: What the hell is wrong with him?!

 

ZACH: I don’t know, but he better come back. My back hurts and I need an ice packy.

 

TERRENCE: You really are a child.

 

ZACH: Well, now I know why we broke up!
 

(Cut to Ryan running outside, wearing a jacket. He runs into the middle of the cul-de-sac. He starts breathing heavily)

 

RYAN: You’re nothing like your dad, just calm down. Do something your dad would never do, like, like, drugs! (Ryan takes out a baggie of LSD and puts it on his tongue. He lets it rest there. He sees a nearby forest. He walks into it an sits on a tree stump) Awww…nature. (A squirrel walks over and picks up a nut) Hey there, guy. You know, it’s already Winter, so you’re a bit too late to store nuts, but, you know what, I like you anyway. Come on over here, champ. (The squirrel scurries away) Ah. Okay. I’m used to it. (Ryan looks around) Wait a minute. Oh no. Dad did this. Dad did this seven months ago! He did acid and scurried into the woods, for like a week! (Ryan stands up, and runs back into the cul-de-sac) This is so fucked! That’s it. I’m having a crisis. So I know what to do.

 

(Ryan runs to his car and gets in. Cut to Madeline sitting behind the receptionist’s desk, speaking with a customer, who is signing a receipt)

 

MADELINE: Remember, you can keep that pen, courtesy of us.

 

CUSTOMER: Oh. Thank you.

 

MADELINE: Just Take It!

 

(Bryan walks over)

 

BRYAN: Trademark on that!
 

(The customer furrows her brow, nods, and then leaves. Madeline high-fives Bryan)

 

MADELINE: Huge success.

 

BRYAN: I know. The homeless guys on this block love it, they’re just taking the pens and selling them for crack money.

 

MADELINE: That sounds like supporting the local economy to me!
 

BRYAN: Sure does. Alright, I’m gonna play League of Legends and drink a ton of Sunny D over in the corner.

 

MADELINE: Sounds good, I’ll let you know if you need to do work.

 

BRYAN: Doubt it!

 

(Bryan chuckles, Madeline laughs)

 

MADELINE: You’re so funny. (Bryan walks away. Madeline gets a phone call and answers it) What’s up, babe?

 

PETER: (On the phone) Hey, I gotta stay really late tonight.

 

MADELINE: Really?!

 

PETER: Yeah, I know, right? I’ve never even stuck around until five, I always leave early. But, unfortunately, the Rizzolis and I are writing a whole new budget from scratch.

 

MADELINE: Why?

 

PETER: These homeless guys kept coming in and stealing pens today! I think they were emboldened by something, honestly.

 

MADELINE: Eek.

 

PETER: So our budget problems just got worse as a result of having to replace all those office supplies.

 

MADELINE: Okay. Well, will I be awake when you get back?

 

PETER: Probably not.

 

MADELINE: I’ll see you in the morning then.

 

PETER: See you then.

 

MADELINE: Wait a minute!
 

PETER: What?

 

MADELINE: You were gonna finally install anti-virus software on my laptop today!

 

PETER: Can’t you figure it out, Maddie? Put in the anti-virus and I’ll install the anti-spying software later. It’s actually more like hardware. It’s just a piece of tape you put over your webcam lens.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, that’s fine, I guess I’ll figure it out.

 

PETER: Alright, bye.

 

(Madeline hangs up, looking disappointed. She then looks over to Bryan, who is sitting in the waiting area, in the corner, on his laptop, wearing headphones and chugging Sunny D while a patient sits a few feet away from him, looking disgusted)

 

MADELINE: Huh.

 

(Madeline waves her hand to get Bryan’s attention. Bryan puts down the Sunny D, takes off his headphones, and looks over at Madeline)

 

BRYAN: S’up?

 

MADELINE: …Do you know anything about anti-virus software?

 

(Cut to Madeline and Bryan entering Madeline’s apartment. Bryan walks over to Madeline’s laptop, which is an HP)

 

BRYAN: Is this your laptop?

 

MADELINE: Yes.

 

(Madeline closes the door and takes off her coat. Bryan takes off his coat and throws it haphazardly on the ground)

 

BRYAN: I just didn’t know you were an HP cuck.

 

MADELINE: Well, I guess I am.

 

(Madeline laughs)

 

BRYAN: It’s fine, you probably didn’t think too much about it.

 

(Bryan opens her laptop and sits on the couch. Madeline sits next to him)

 

MADELINE: Yeah, I probably didn’t.

 

BRYAN: What’s your password?

 

MADELINE: Call Me Maybe. I’ve had this laptop for like four years.

 

(Bryan types that in, and goes online to download anti-virus software)

 

BRYAN: The trick is to unzip it. This is high-end anti-virus software, so we need to download an unzipping agent.

 

MADELINE: Download whatever you want. (Madeline smiles. A pop-up comes up on Maddie’s screen for erectile dysfunction pills) Oh, sorry-

 

(Madeline and Bryan both touch the keypad at the same time, causing their hands to be on top of one another. They look at each other)

 

BRYAN: …It looks like you already have adware.

 

MADELINE: You’re so irresistible right now.

 

(Madeline starts making out with Bryan. Cut to Madeline and Bryan walking into Madeline’s bedroom. Bryan is taking his shirt off, as is Madeline, who then jumps on the bed)

 

BRYAN: Hold on.

 

(Bryan throws his shirt aside, as Madeline takes her bra off. Bryan takes off his shorts, and takes the shoe off of his real foot. Then he sits on the bed, and removes his prosthetic leg and throws it aside. Madeline furrows her brow)

 

MADELINE: Wait, what?

 

BRYAN: What?

 

MADELINE: Why do you have to take off the leg?

 

BRYAN: Because I have no control over it? It just gets in the way.

 

(Bryan wiggles out of his underwear)

 

MADELINE: But it doesn’t hurt, does it?

 

BRYAN: It might. If it, you know, gets caught up in everything. Plus, I’m half-convinced it has a mind of its own. It might go Oscar Pistorius on your ass if we aren’t careful.

 

MADELINE: …Okay. Fine, let’s do it.

 

(Bryan starts having sex with Madeline, but Madeline does not look that into it. Cut to Ethan and Kyle sitting on the couch in Renee’s apartment)

 

ETHAN: So, what do you like to do for fun, Kyle?

 

KYLE: Who are you?

 

(Kyle giggles)

 

ETHAN: I’m your grandpa, buddy. I’ve explained that a couple times.

 

KYLE: Where is my daddy?

 

ETHAN: He’s in...a far off land.

 

KYLE: Narnia?

 

ETHAN: …Yeah.

 

KYLE: Can we watch TV?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, okay.

 

(Ethan reaches for the remote)

 

KYLE: I want scary movies.

 

(Ethan’s eyes widen. We flash back to February 1997. 31-year old Ethan and one-and-a-half-year-old Ryan are sitting on the couch)

 

RYAN: How did mommy make bro and sis?

 

ETHAN: Uhh, I don’t really know, about that, how about we watch TV. (Ethan turns on the TV, some station is showing Hellraiser: Bloodline) There, watch that. Daddy’s gonna take a nap, don’t bother him unless it’s an emergency.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

(Ethan lies down, as Ryan watches Hellraiser: Bloodline, one of the more violent scenes from that movie. Ryan smiles. Cut back to Ethan and Kyle in 2017)

 

ETHAN: Oh my God. Of course. That’s why he’s so screwed up.

 

KYLE: Who?

 

ETHAN: We’re not watching TV, Kyle, sorry.

 

(Ethan throws the remote in the trash. Kyle starts crying)

 

KYLE: I WANTED TO WATCH TV!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(Ethan picks up Kyle)

 

ETHAN: I’m sorry, Kyle, this is for your own good. (Kyle continues to cry, as Ethan bounces Kyle on his knee) Shhhhh. I’m gonna read you a book. (Ethan stands up and walks over to a small book shelf near a window. He reaches in and takes out the book “Goodnight Moon”) God, I hate this thing. (Ethan puts it back. He then pulls out a Bearenstain Bears book) Look at this one, Kyle. This one’s about Jewish bears. (Ethan opens the book and begins to read it) This one’s called “Papa Bear Finds Strange Berries In The Woods”. Interesting title.

 

(Cut to an animated sequence, where Papa Bear is in his home office, on the phone)

 

PAPA BEAR: Oh my God…did it get another one? Geez. What’s his name?

 

(Brother Bear comes in)

 

BROTHER BEAR: Dad!
 

PAPA BEAR: Just get his body out of the trap and notify next of kin. I have to go. (Papa bear hangs up) What’s going on, son?

 

BROTHER BEAR: Dad, I’m bored! Can we go knock a bee hive out of a tree together?

 

PAPA BEAR: I’m sorry, son- (Papa bear stands up) I have to go help Mayor Bear address the bear trap problem in the forest. Go play with Sister Bear.

 

BROTHER BEAR: But Sister Bear is sitting in a tree with Across-The-Street-Bear!
 

PAPA BEAR: Why did the neighbors name him that?
 

BROTHER BEAR: I don’t know, it doesn’t really make sense from their perspective. But then again, you named me “Brother Bear” even though I’m your son.

 

PAPA BEAR: Whatever. I just can’t, son. I’m too busy. Entertain yourself and I’ll be back later.

 

(Papa Bear grabs a hat and suitcase and walks out the door)

 

ETHAN: (Narrating) So Papa Bear went to help Mayor Bear remove the bear traps in the forest. But Brother Bear stayed behind, and had to figure out what the heck to do with all his free time. So he also went to the forest. (Cut to Brother Bear walking in the forest) He went on a walk to clear his mind. And clear it, he did.

 

(Brother Bear walks up to a bush full of berries)

 

BROTHER BEAR: I wonder what these taste like. (Brother Bear eats some off the berries. His eyes quickly fill with rainbow colors and he starts stumbling around) Ohh, maaaan!
 

ETHAN: (Narrating) Brother Bear began to get dizzy, and started seeing colors.

 

BROTHER BEAR: Is that Bear Jesus scurrying up a tree?

 

ETHAN: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Papa Bear was removing bear corpses from traps. Jesus, they wrote this for kids?

 

(Cut to Papa Bear and Mayor Bear, which is a bear wearing a necktie, removing a bear corpse from a trap. Papa Bear sets it aside)

 

MAYOR BEAR: How many is that?

 

PAPA BEAR: Fifteen, sir. (Papa Bear wipes his brow with his paw) I’m so exhausted, Mayor Bear, and I don’t see what this is supposed to do for me!
 

MAYOR BEAR: Don’t be silly, Papa Bear. If you do this for enough years, you may have my job someday!

 

PAPA BEAR: Okay, but, could you at least help out?

 

MAYOR BEAR: I’d love to. But I’m going to sleep under that shady tree over there like the lazy oaf I am!
 

(Mayor Bear jaunts over to a tree and lays down underneath it)

 

ETHAN: (Narrating) These books spoon-feed a little bit too much. Anyway, in the distance, Papa Bear saw Brother Bear eating weird berries, and he immediately became concerned.

 

(Papa Bear looks over and sees Brother Bear eating berries. He looks concerned)

 

PAPA BEAR: …The heck? Brother Bear! What are you doing?! (Brother Bear looks behind him, panics, and runs away. Papa Bear runs over, but sees Brother Bear has run too far. Papa Bear sighs. He looks over and sees a bear corpse with its paw caught in a bear trap nearby. Papa Bear huffs and puffs. He then looks at the berries, squints and then shrugs) Couldn’t hurt. (Papa Bear eats some of the berries. His eyes begin filling with colors and he smiles widely) Oooh! This feels cool!!!

 

(Papa Bear skips away)

 

ETHAN: (Narrating) As Papa Bear’s eyes flooded with multi-colored ocular fluid, he skipped away and collected eighteen more bear corpses and took home even more berries.

 

(Cut to Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Brother Bear sitting around the breakfast table. They are all eating porridge)

 

PAPA BEAR: This porridge is just right. Thanks, honey.

 

MAMA BEAR: No problem.

 

BROTHER BEAR: This porridge is garbage.

 

PAPA BEAR: What is wrong with you, Brother Bear? Why do you always have a negative attitude? This porridge is just right!
 

BROTHER BEAR: We’re not even the bears from Goldilocks, you know.

 

PAPA BEAR: Go to your room!

 

BROTHER BEAR: Fine!
 

(Brother Bear storms out of the room)

 

MAMA BEAR: I’ll go talk to him!
 

(Mama Bear runs after him. Papa Bear growls and walks over to a drawer. He opens it and takes a handful of berries out of it. He shoves them in his mouth. He then turns to see Brother Bear and Mama Bear standing in the doorway)

 

PAPA BEAR: I thought I told you to go to your room!
 

BROTHER BEAR: …Where did you learn to eat that stuff? Huh? How do you even know about that stuff?

 

(Papa Bear grimaces)

 

PAPA BEAR: FROM YOU, OKAY?! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!!

 

(Papa Bear takes a handful of berries and shoves them in his mouth, and then sprints out the back door)

 

MAMA BEAR: HONEY, COME BACK!

 

ETHAN: (Narrating) So then, Papa Bear went for a walk in the woods to clear his mind.

 

(Cut to Papa Bear walking in the woods, his eyes filled with colors, and wearing a big smile)

 

PAPA BEAR: I feel every breeze with every cell in my body.

 

ETHAN: (Narrating) Suddenly, Papa Bear sees some more berries.

 

PAPA BEAR: Oh, yes, come to daddy! (Papa Bear runs offscreen. We hear a click. We pan over to see Papa Bear has had his paw caught in a bear trap near a blueberry bush) Oh no!! BROTHER BEAR!!!! BROTHER BEAR!!!!!

 

(Cut to Ethan reading the book to Kyle, who is now asleep on Ethan’s knee)

 

ETHAN: Jesus, this one is dark. (Ethan closes the book, and rubs Kyle’s head) Well, at least you were to asleep to be scarred by it. I just can’t believe Papa Bear would…oh my God. (Cut to Ethan putting Kyle down in his crib. Ethan kisses Kyle’s forehead and tucks him in. Ethan then leaves the room and closes the door) The acid trip in the forest. The alcoholism. I learned it all from Ryan. So I need to learn how he deals with it.

 

(Cut to Ryan frantically knocking on someone’s apartment door. Catherine answers the door)

 

CATHERINE: Ryan, what the hell are you doing!?

 

RYAN: I need to see you right now.

 

CATHERINE: Jesus, it’s 2017, you can send me a text.

 

(Ryan comes in, and Catherine closes the door)

 

RYAN: I’m your ex, there’s no guarantee you would answer.

 

CATHERINE: And there’s a guarantee that I’d let you into my apartment?

 

RYAN: Yeah, because I would cry until you did.

 

CATHERINE: Oh my God, just sit down. (Ryan sits down. Catherine sits down on a yoga mat) You know, I was trying to meditate.

 

RYAN: I’m sorry. I should let you know, I’m on a little bit of acid right now.

 

CATHERINE: And you drove here?

 

RYAN: Yeah.

 

CATHERINE: Cool. Go ahead with your existential crisis or whatever.

 

RYAN: I’m becoming like my father!
 

CATHERINE: Oh, shit, you scared me. I thought you were gonna say “I’m becoming like you” for a second. Dodged that bullet.

 

RYAN: I’d much rather be like you than like my dad, trust me!
 

CATHERINE: You wouldn’t. No one should want to be me.

 

RYAN: Can we take the focus off your self-loathing for one second and focus on my bullshit?

 

CATHERINE: See? That’s another thing I self-loath about, I focus too much on my self-loathing. See? I’m still doing it. Alright, go ahead.

 

RYAN: I recently found out that my dad has a threesome agreement with his girlfriend and ex-wife.

 

CATHERINE: Ew! How?!

 

RYAN: That’s not important. But it freaked me out because I have a threesome agreement with my ex-boyfriend and sugar daddy.

 

CATHERINE: EW! WHY?!

 

RYAN: Because I needed money.

 

CATHERINE: No, I mean why are you telling me this?

 

RYAN: Because…you’ve never been judgmental.

 

CATHERINE: Yeah, because I’m in no place to judge anybody. Even though I do all the time. God, I suck. The point is, why are you telling your ex-girlfriend this?

 

RYAN: …Because you’re not involved. I can’t talk to my dad about this, I can’t talk to Zach or Terrence about it, my friends back home don’t care about me, and my mom is always busy at some shrimp fundraiser every time I try to call her.

 

CATHERINE: Also, it’d be weird to talk to your mom about your orgy agreement.

 

RYAN: That too.

 

CATHERINE: …How else are you becoming like your dad?

 

RYAN: I mean, I’m an alcoholic like him. I go through relationships like tissues just like him. He was married to Fiona for three months, and is now dating some hippie chick, who, now that I’m thinking about it, is a lot like you.

 

CATHERINE: …And why are you so afraid of becoming like your dad? I mean, look at me. All my dad does is build fallout shelters and stock up on canned foods, and honestly, as of late, he looks like a genius. I’d be proud to be like him.

 

RYAN: I know. But I’ve always rebelled against my dad. And for good reason! He leads a terrible life, he’s corrupt, he’s a cheater, a hypocrite and a drunk. I can’t stomach becoming like him.

 

CATHERINE: Most people become like their parents, Ryan.

 

RYAN: But I’m supposed to be different! Did you know I swore off men for six months one time because my dad tried on a pinky ring?!

 

CATHERINE: But you were a teenager! Now you’re an adult. You have to accept who you are at a certain point.

 

RYAN: Doesn’t that go for you to?

 

CATHERINE: Yes, it does. And I haven’t even come close. That’s why I’m in no place to be dispensing life advice, Ryan. I’m a thirty-year old who works at a Whole Foods.

 

RYAN: What happened to the library?

 

CATHERINE: I got fired for sleeping on a shelf in the DVD section. I really thought no one would go back there.

 

RYAN: Huh.

 

CATHERINE: …Think about it, Ryan. You said your dad is a “cheater, hypocrite and a drunk”. How many of those things were you already before your dad was?

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: You’re right. I was a drunk and a cheater before he was.

 

CATHERINE: And you knew me before he knew Anella to boot, right?

 

RYAN: Yeah. How do you know about Anella?

 

CATHERINE: I follow your dad’s Instagram.

 

RYAN: He has one of those?

 

CATHERINE: For your sake, I’ll say “no”.

 

(Ryan smirks)

 

RYAN: …This is why I miss you. You put things in perspective.

 

CATHERINE: Well. I try. I mean, when our President-elect is acting like he’s in a campy, overdone version of The Manchurian Candidate and is tweeting insults at everyone who dares slight him, it’s good to put your own problems in perspective.

 

RYAN: Yeah. Not to mention when my sister Madeline will soon lose her health insurance thanks to the ass-clown Republicans on Capitol Hill, it’s nice to focus on something not AS horrible.

 

CATHERINE: Yeah.

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: …I think we should get back together.

 

CATHERINE: …Oh, Ryan. (Catherine looks in Ryan’s eyes) …I agree.

 

(Ryan and Catherine start making out. Cut to later that night. Ryan, wearing only his underwear, walks out onto Catherine’s balcony with an unlit cigarette in his hand. He takes out his lighter and lights it. He exhales the smoke as he calls someone)

 

ETHAN: (On the phone) Hello?

 

RYAN: Hey dad. You called?

 

ETHAN: Yeah. I…I wanted to apologize to you.

 

RYAN: …For what?

 

ETHAN: For not being an attentive father.

 

RYAN: Oh. Well. It’s about time.

 

(Ryan takes a drag)

 

ETHAN: I expected at least a little bit of resistance there.

 

RYAN: No, I appreciate this call.

 

ETHAN: Well. Good. I really wanna get to know you better. Because I feel like I’ve failed at that, as a father.

 

RYAN: You have. But I’m willing to give you a second chance.

 

(Cut to Ethan speaking on the phone, sitting on the couch in Renee’s apartment. He’s tearing up)

 

ETHAN: ...I’m glad, son. I just have some questions. Because, I’m usually too embarrassed to admit this, but…I’m still an alcoholic. I stopped going to AA months ago. How do you- how do you deal with that, you’ve been to rehab a couple times, right?

 

RYAN: (On the phone) …Dad. I am the last person you want to ask for advice on this issue.

 

ETHAN: …Really? I thought you’ve been getting better-

 

RYAN: Recently, I took up cocaine and, get this, cigarettes. Yeah, I took up smoking at twenty-one. I’m not even thirteen behind a school gymnasium. I’m just a twenty-one-year-old moron who never learns his lesson. Oh, and I get paid to have three-ways with my sugar daddy and ex-boyfriend on a regular basis. How are you enjoying getting to know me?

 

(Ryan takes a drag)

 

ETHAN: …Wow. Normally I’d start yelling at you right now. But…I just don’t feel like I’m in any place to do that.

 

RYAN: See? That’s exactly what I’ve always wanted from you. Honest, non-judgmental communication. Also, a private debit account you deposit untraceable money into.

 

ETHAN: Yeah, well, you’re only getting the first one.

 

(Ryan takes a drag)
 

RYAN: Understood.

 

ETHAN: …I’m getting sworn in as a city councilman in a few weeks. I want you to be there. And we can get lunch afterwards and begin this process.

 

RYAN: Sounds good, dad. Love you.

 

ETHAN: Love you.

 

(Cut to Ryan on the balcony. He hangs up the phone and takes a drag on his cigarette, as Catherine in a bra and panties comes out onto the balcony and starts kissing his neck. Cut to Madeline watching Meryl Streep’s speech at the Golden Globes on her TV in the apartment)

 

MERYL STREEP: It was that moment, when the person asking to sit, in the most respect seat in our country, imitated a disabled reporter. Someone he outranked in privilege, power, and the capacity to fight back. It, uh, it kind of broke my heart, when I saw it, and I still can’t get it out of my head because it wasn’t in a movie. It was real life.

 

(Madeline turns the TV off and just shakes her head)

 

MADELINE: …It was just that fucking prosthetic leg….

 

(Peter comes in, beaming)

 

PETER: Maddie!
 

MADELINE: What’s up, babe?

 

PETER: You know earlier this week when I worked overtime?

 

MADELINE: Yeah?

 

PETER: Well, I just got a call from Mr. Rizzoli! He’s promoted me to assistant manager!

 

MADELINE: Oh, that’s great, babe!
 

(Madeline stands up, and then hugs and kisses him)

 

PETER: Thanks!

 

(Madeline lets go)

 

MADELINE: How much does it pay?

 

PETER: Enough to where we can have more financial security! Maybe even buy a house. Have some kids running around, who knows?

 

MADELINE: Oh, wow.

 

PETER: This promotion inspired me. I want to be around for a long time, Maddie. I feel like I’m actually making something of my life for the first time ever. So I want to save that life.  (Peter takes out his pack of cigarettes) I’m quitting tobacco.

 

(Peter walks out onto the balcony and throws the pack off. He then comes back in and closes the sliding door)

 

MADELINE: Okay, you’re quitting, wow! Good! (Pause, and then Madeline squints) Are you sure you want to, though?

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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