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A Man questions why he is here and his purpose, has God forsaken him?

Submitted: January 13, 2017

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Submitted: January 13, 2017





Today was an unforgettable day ;

 It's been a long time since the feeling of consumption, has wrapped its evil arms around my mind. An itch that I cannot scratch,  an evil possession; considerably  an undeniable understatement.


 As I write these lines I feel a demented, twisted, deadly force encompassing my soul. My fingers are moving but my mind will not relax. My eyes have become heavy, my breathing has slowed, my focus… Has been set on breaking others spirit. I feel that I have lost a part of myself temporarily, right now; I am dangerous.


Chapter 1: The History of a Man
 I am familiar with misery, and pain. Of all sorts. I've experienced the loss of my unborn child. I've allowed, the choices of a lost friend. I have been seconds from meeting death myself of my own will. I have provided comforting words while holding others as they've passed. I've been tortured both physically, and mentally. Yes, I have been beat, but I've also dished out beatings. I've been put through some demented situations, which of course may have been a contributing factor to this madness; Madness in my mind…


My faith is true, and legitimate. When i was a child i was taught a great deal of the bible. I gained an understanding of its premise. I have never denied its teachings. I am guilty of questioning, however; I used to participate a great deal in Church. Today, i will not. I have no specific reason, but it needs to be known that my Faith is True, and Strong. To question my Faith is to question God himself. Only God, and myself have the right to assume, or pass judgement upon my soul… in this world or the next.


Chapter 2: My Contract with God


Let us start with the experience.. Upon a Third serious attempt to remove myself from this earth, i was given the strangest feeling that i have ever felt. I cannot describe it as a glorious feeling, more like a lifeless, hopeless, but peaceful sensation. I felt as if i was completely alone, yet i was not alone. It was if Myself and something else… Were in a limitless space, together. Nobody else could be heard or seen. I have never felt this feeling on such a describable level since. I have however, felt the peaceful sensation, i can only describe this as being alone for miles with something not human but very much alive.


When i let my body fall i was sure that i had calculated everything to the letter. It is in my nature to be certain that everything goes the way i planned. It was effortless, my throat began to feel as if it was collapsing. I could feel the pressure in my eyes, ears, and in my skull. I was not afraid, i closed my eyes.. My mind is strong, i ignored the pain and pressure in my head. I let go, i gave no resistance. I remember going in and out of consciousness. I couldn't tell you how many times, to be honest. Then the sensation… I tried to believe that it was a human response, protecting my body, but i dismissed this very quickly. My lack of panic and clear thought, master of my own mind, had already ignored the fight or flight response.


My nose had began to bleed.. The sensation had not left me. I gasped, GO! Nothing but a raspy squel came from my mouth. Out again, i don't know what happened in this moment. I do not remember the physical world. I don't know if I had died or not. There was nobody around to ‘save’ me. Just a sensation… Some may argue that this sensation was a response? My heart was close to stopping i'm certain. It’s somewhat accurate that the time is 3 minutes, if breaking the spine fails. I had no concept of time, after the first minute.


Back to the sensation, i feel as if i had a talk with ‘something’; This ‘something’ gave me the insight that i was not allowed to move on yet. My third attempt, after learning from the first and second… Will fail? This is where the contract came to be. I should not have awoke, adrenaline had already kicked in and was stabilized. I should have went to sleep forever. There is no sense to what happened, but an understanding… That I was not allowed to go just yet… And it was very hard to accept, but i understood… This is my contract..


Chapter 3:The Forced Escape?


Pretty good with knots, yeah. Boy Scouts and Cub Scouts taught me so much about survival. As well as Fishing. I can tie a wicked Hangman’s Knot. It gets tight, and is not designed to release its prey. When i came to i had accepted, what i call the contract. I figured, after 4 months in intensive care units, because of two failed attempts which should have ended as expected. Something was not right about the situation at all. This was a very intense situation. I can remember falling around the room. Trying to pull the rope away, grabbing random objects and trying to force an opening. So i could take a breath. Nothing was working! 3 Minutes… are you sure? It felt like my head was about to explode, unlike anything i could relate to you. Still throwing myself around, i stumbled on a butter knife. Forcing the knife between my neck and the rope, up down up down, pain came back to my body. My hands bloody, from pulling and twisting the rope. My neck.. Blood was everywhere. I managed to cut thru with a rigid butterknife. Forced to the hospital again…


Chapter 4:What was the point?


I live my life as honest as i can. I do respectable deeds whenever i can. These deeds, are pure. I do not share who i am, i simply puzzle those who receive my grace. They never know who i am. I don’t feel much emotion anymore..


I cannot be terribly sad, or dramatically happy. Anger is dull, and Pain is tolerable. I honestly think that my life is meant to teach, endurance of pride.

I get treated different than most, i don't want to compare myself to an outcast. This isn't the case; It is more like, i am a servant to humanity. Like God has me here to learn that it is not important if i am to be shit on by everyone, because even if all my ideas are stolen and falsely credited. Or my work is claimed by another. It doesn't matter, because He is watching. And preparing judgement, making it clear that no simple prayer will allow passage. As Dirt, wet or dry, it is still biologically DIRT. A SIN is still a SIN. Hell will never be empty, that is for sure.


I feel like i am meant to endure, for no reason whatsoever. A sick lesson, i will admit. All of my skills, and knowledge. My nature to be helpful to others, so that they can go off with a smile, and not tired. Are in vain. I pray to God, i ask what am i meant to learn from this. Will you not release me? I am no Holy Man, and i am definitely not a Saint. I feel as if i will never be anything more than rags. This isn't a choice that i have made, more like a choice that was forced upon me. I’ve mastered many emotions, mastered how to contain them. Containment allows a clear insight, and response… Today i am struggling to remain clear. I don't know how much more i can tolerate.


I stand aside and listen to people claim my suggestions and ideas, and be praised. Moments later i am back in the dirt. I watch people stand around, talk for 5, 10, 20, but if i take 5 minutes it’s the end of the world.




Conclusion:The Next Time I Pray


15 years, i do not drink anymore. I do not do any drugs anymore. I’ve put my trust in you. I finally understand the contract. I have to repay you, that is the contract. I never took a second to think that anyone could ever owe anything to God. But no good deed goes unpunished, i'll embrace this statement.


 On this Day a Man is Godless, No backs have been turned ;

 And the mirror has not moved. His soul is in limbo

 Not even lucifer himself has any interest in his light;

Neither claimed nor Shunned, he moves until he cannot…

Alive but not, forever he walks on the glass in search of heaven..

 Until his last breath. - Stephen Williams

© Copyright 2018 Stephen Williams. All rights reserved.

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