my thoughts exactly

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  No Houses

Submitted: January 14, 2017

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Submitted: January 14, 2017

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My conclusion (unread letter to kelebogile phoshoko)

 

Hey, a few seconds ago I had this essay I planned to write down for you, but now all of a sudden my mind is blank, at least for the introduction, My name… that you already know by now, any ways that’s not really important. Thing is for the past few weeks I have been putting my life on hold, I haven’t really been coping that well, I barely sleep and when I do I always end up waking up early, I can’t stop thinking, like my mind is all over the place because for the first time in my entire life I can’t find a way or maybe two, to fix things between us. I worry a lot about you more than I shouldn’t – on the day your matric results were coming out I was nervous like I was the one getting those results, I felt like I was the one who was in high school doing my final year, believe me I am still puzzled by it now, look this is not one of those letters where a guy is sincerely trying to win back the woman he loves with nice words, this is the truth about me so you can understand why I came up with this conclusion you will later on read, that’s if you are still reading this. In my mind I have this amazing thought that you are my soul mate, I tried to move on but in the end I just realize how much I love you, my love for you is far greater than I anticipated I mean just picture me sitting down on the floor with my arse on a concrete floor, cold as fuck, my hands on my head, tears and snorting like a little baby thinking to myself “how did I end up looking this ridiculous”. The truth is I looked up to you, sounds weird ne? I am the older one and yet here I am looking up to the younger version of someone who has a lot in common with me, in my heart I believed you are destined for greatness, I still do and it never really did occur to me that you are truly someone I will never become. I can spend the whole day apologizing to you about everything I put you through, I can spin the story however I want and find way to convince you otherwise but I can’t this time, apologizing to you now would be an insult to your intellect. Every time I close my eyes I see your face, I can’t help it, but I always see your face, I always think of you and how I fucked up your years and even though you say you don’t hate me for any of that I know that’s not true, maybe not yet but soon it will kick in and well everything will make sense. I spent most of my life telling myself I will never love again until you showed up and well we both know how that ended, but I loved once more and I still do. Most of the time when I meet new woman I just look at the face and if the face impresses me then I just do my thing and try by all means to get things done, I once spent an entire hour looking at someone and lying to her of how much I loved her, but that was never the case, I just said those things to convince myself that I was over you and when it finally hit me I realized I wasted 3 days trying to build a relationship with someone I could never love then I wondered what would have happened had we slept together and for some reasons it happened that she fell pregnant with my child, would I be able to look my child in the eyes and told him or her that I never loved his or her mother? Would I be able to live with myself knowing I am connected to a woman I never loved?. My heart is as empty as it is now and it’s as full as it gets when I am with you, I can’t change how I feel about you, neither will finding any woman out there, I don’t care how hot they may look or how successful they may be but I honestly don’t think I can move past you. You said you don’t feel anything for me anymore and a part of me wanted to believe it until I got home and received your message, that message was enough to convince me otherwise, only someone who truly cares would feel the need to send that message and if not little then I know you still feel something. Don’t worry though I am not against you being with someone else, I might not like it but that’s how things are now and I can’t help the fact that you love him, you should love him and I am happy for you. I just want to sleep at night, I seriously need to sleep at night and the only way to do that is if I cut you out of my life for good but I can’t because I still love you and every day I feel like I can change your thoughts about me so you can take me back in but I would still hurt you and you would still hate me because you would also be in love with me in such a way that you can’t escape from me, believe me I want you so bad that everything we have put each other through at this point doesn’t matter, I don’t care about what you did to me I don’t care about what I did to all I want is for you to just come back home, that’s it. Thing is I will always hurt you and you will always hurt me, obviously we would but we are not perfect, the question was whether or not we were perfect for each other. I meant what I said when I was with you, some of us are not meant to love because we just don’t know how to avoid hurting the people we claim to love. My love for you will never end, you will always be the one and only for me, you are my soul mate and you are everything I ever wanted I was just too blind to see it then but now it’s far too late and this feeling of hopelessness will forever torment me. When you wanted to be friends with me I wanted to be your friend, my pride wouldn’t let me because I was afraid of losing you again as a friend; I have many problems, most of which include depression, attachment disorder and more nasty staff that follow, I never told you about this because I didn’t think much of it then, it’s funny I am so good at reading other people’s problems that I can’t even sort mine out. Here I am now looking all stupid and all and I find myself in this tight spot where I can’t even think of a way forward for myself. For the next few months I will be trying to fix my life, I am not sure how long it will take me to figure things out but I really wish you would be by my side, I really want to believe that you are happy and I know it seems desperate but I really do love you and I hope things work out for you. You might be able to cope while we are not together anymore but I can’t, every time you call or text me I just feel like you are giving me a chance to try again with you, I feel like you want a relationship and I feel like you want the same thing I do, I know it sounds foolish but deep down I still want you, a lot in fact that sometimes it even scares me whenever I just come across your name. I honestly don’t know what to do, I have been asking myself what I would do if you wanted to try again and the only answer I came up with was “I really need you back into my life so please let’s just throw our pride aside and go on like we always did” that’s how much I want you. But we both want different things, you are in a relationship and I don’t want to move on because I am still hung up to you. Am I part of your future? Will we ever be together again? Do you still love me? Do I have a chance with you? Will we ever go back to how we were? Do you really not feel anything anymore? Why do you still keep in touch with me? Why did you send me that message on the 26th?  Those are the kind of questions I need answers for because I really need to make decisions on my own so I can find closure, I need to know so I can find a way to carry on, I need to know how you feel and I need to understand where you are coming from. The only conclusion I have are those questions, I am asking you to please answer them for me.

 


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